What would you say to a young man who said...


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What would you say to a young man (18ish) whom you love and who is an active, believing Latter-day Saint, who confided in you that he has no desire to date or get into relationships with women? He is worried that he will never get married because he has no desire to do so. He is heterosexual, but maintains that to this point, his closest friends have all been men, that he enjoys the company and conversation of men, and that he's worried that he doesn't really see himself having any great need of female companionship?

Hypothetically, of course.

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I say the same thing, (now at 24) though desire solitude vs being around men or women. But most people won't tell you if they generally dislike a certain gender, especially the opposite.

I have no real desire for companionship, I'm not homosexual, I just don't understand women, I feel dating useless and boring. I don't see a real benefit in it.

I could go on but, I donno, some things I would rather not share in large company

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It could be that he's asexual, not having any real attraction to either gender, in which case I suppose the advice for him would be the same we give to those who are homosexual members: if you do find a person of the opposite gender attractive and have a genuine desire to marry them, do so, but it would be unfair to try to force yourself to marry someone if you can't give them all of you.

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It could be that he's asexual, not having any real attraction to either gender, in which case I suppose the advice for him would be the same we give to those who are homosexual members: if you do find a person of the opposite gender attractive and have a genuine desire to marry them, do so, but it would be unfair to try to force yourself to marry someone if you can't give them all of you.

I've met plenty of asexual couples

mind you I don't think this individual is like me, but if he is, then I can offer more if need be

I understand feeling that way

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God grants us the desires of our hearts. Not always, of course. However, it is a common and legitimate practice to pray for them. So, rather than fret with this man about what he's not interested in, I'd encourage him to play to his strengths, figure out what he is interested in, and pursue it with godly determination. Marriage is an "all-in" commitment--so no sense in pushing someone towards it when they are disinterested.

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What would you say to a young man (18ish) whom you love and who is an active, believing Latter-day Saint, who confided in you that he has no desire to date or get into relationships with women?

I'd say "Excellent - I held out until 26 - why not see if you can beat my record?"

If the conversation is going well, I'd also let it be known that 'the right woman' coming along can change a man's total outlook on life. And while it's not guaranteed such a thing will happen to him, he might be well-advised to think about it a little so he's not totally taken by surprise should it happen.

Sounds like a young man worth knowing and loving to me.

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Finrock says: I don't have any problems with how you are feeling. If you are worried about it, I would suggest that you don't be. I think in the intervening years many things can change, including what you want and what you desire.

Whatever you do, do everything you can to be as close to God as possible. With the guidance of the Holy Ghost you can be led to all things needful for you in this life.

Regards,

Finrock

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One of Satan's greatest manipulative tools is planting within our brains the conception that once we recognize a problem, we must immediately Do Something™. In a lot of ways, it's the same problem that young gays run into.

Why does anything have to happen immediately? Give 'em time, let 'em get more comfortable in their own skin; keep learning and doing the Gospel and eventually the further light and knowledge will come.

Especially as an LDS male--the cold truth is that your hypothetical friend could take the next twenty or thirty years to make up his mind, and still have no problem finding a willing potential LDS mate when he finally gets around to making that a priority. (I don't recommend that course of action, but it's probably better than pushing him into something he's not ready for.)

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What would you say to a young man (18ish) whom you love and who is an active, believing Latter-day Saint, who confided in you that he has no desire to date or get into relationships with women? He is worried that he will never get married because he has no desire to do so. He is heterosexual, but maintains that to this point, his closest friends have all been men, that he enjoys the company and conversation of men, and that he's worried that he doesn't really see himself having any great need of female companionship?

Hypothetically, of course.

Ultimately if we lack a righteous desire (and being sealed to an eternal companion is a righteous desire) we need to seek after that desire, and in some situations we need to act even if we don't have a desire. Not that I'd suggest one get married simply because one is supposed to, but something like learning to appreciate female companionship may start with making the step, even in the lack of desire, of doing something like a double date or even the dreaded activity of hanging out.

Now this might just be the phrasing of the hypothetical, but I get the sense that this young man does not see a need for female companionship because he feels that male relationships fulfill the same need. While that may in a sense be true for non-romantic relationships it most certainly isn't the case with marriage. If such is the case, that he feels male companionship fulfills the needs of marriage, I might discuss the differences involved. Your wife is not simply your best bud with different anatomy.

Edited by Dravin
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In addition to the advice to give it some time, I'd wonder if maybe he needs his hormone levels checked.

just because someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with them

(as uncouth as that is, it's true for a lot of men, the lower sort but I was and sometimes fear, is still, one of those sorts)

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just because someone doesn't want to be in a relationship with a woman doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with them

(as uncouth as that is, it's true for a lot of men, the lower sort but I was and sometimes fear, is still, one of those sorts)

It may be uncouth, but it's also true. As our grandmothers warned our sisters--why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?

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It's also a little uncouth but true that sex is or can be a motivation for Gospel-living LDS guys to seek out marriage. They can't get the milk, so they have to go cow shopping. (Wow, just typing "cow shopping" unburied my tiny little inner feminist!)

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It's also a little uncouth but true that sex is or can be a motivation for Gospel-living LDS guys to seek out marriage. They can't get the milk, so they have to go cow shopping. (Wow, just typing "cow shopping" unburied my tiny little inner feminist!)

no, they shouldn't just go get the milk

anyone can.

makes the milk loose what makes it special (you know, all this talk about milk, I think I am going to go get a glass of milk, hopefully we don't have that awful 3.25% garbage)

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It sounds like this person you are speaking of might be having a difficult time. When someone feels like they are not normal especially at his age is not easy and can even be traumatic. My advice would be not what you say but, that you are there for them and let them know they have a heavenly father who loves them no matter what.

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That's what Dravin did.

Aaaaaand, Beefche wins the thread. Might as well close it now.

It sounds like this person you are speaking of might be having a difficult time. When someone feels like they are not normal especially at his age is not easy and can even be traumatic. My advice would be not what you say but, that you are there for them and let them know they have a heavenly father who loves them no matter what.

I agree so much with this. I'd like to believe that I'd act this way, rather than automatically jumping to advice/counsel-giving.

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I'm thinking he may just be a late bloomer. I know lots of young men who don't date before their missions, but date when they get home. My three brothers were late bloomers. Two of them married in their late 20's. One brother didn't marry until 50. (It wasn't for lack of trying. Girls just weren't interested in marrying him.)

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What would you say to a young man (18ish) whom you love and who is an active, believing Latter-day Saint, who confided in you that he has no desire to date or get into relationships with women? He is worried that he will never get married because he has no desire to do so. He is heterosexual, but maintains that to this point, his closest friends have all been men, that he enjoys the company and conversation of men, and that he's worried that he doesn't really see himself having any great need of female companionship?

Hypothetically, of course.

I think the advice about accepting him and not condemning him are great. Shame and guilt are not great motivators or useful when one is already feeling shame and guilt.

I also wonder if he has any relationship at all with women--mother, sisters, cousins, etc. Does he have problems with basic socializing? I wonder if he just isn't good at social situations and the thought of dating scares him since he has no concept of how to talk to a girl entails.

It sounds to me that although he is young, his heart is in the right place. He understands that marriage is part of God's plan, but sees how he doesn't desire it now. Perhaps he is in the place Alma has talked about in Alma 32--just to have the desire to desire. If he wants to have that desire, then perhaps guiding him in baby steps. First, look a woman in the eye--just that and with any woman. Then move on to saying hello.

Hypothetically speaking, good luck and I wish the best.

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I taught kiteboarding lessons to a wealthy attractive single guy in his late forty's who has no desire to be married and is very active in our ward. He attends with his mother.

I personally don't think there is anything too say. I think it's just important to accept these people and make sure to make them feel welcome and included.

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