What will happen to him?

[rogermerril12]

dear fellow members,

I have a very important question I would like to ask for all of you out there and I know this isn't a website to give exact answers or receive revelation but I would like to get at least some kind of a clue for a friend of mine.

I have a friend that is very important to me. we have been friends since we were little but we I had noticed something wrong with him. I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he had fallen into a very terrible habit of viewing pornography. he said that he felt so bad and sick inside because of this habit. he literally cried for hours. I told him he needed to go talk to his bishop and he said he planned on doing that my friend just got home from a mission about eight months ago where he was known as a very valiant missionary. I just would like to get an idea of what might happen to him considering his membership in the church? I know none of you can give me a for sure answer and I understand that it is between him the bishop and god but I would greatly appreciate a general idea of what will happen to him. I won't tell him what any of you say because that isn't my place but I am worried sick about him and need a little resolution to this problem. he is so afraid he will be ex communicated. is that a possibility ? is it likely?

I greatly appreciate your input on the subject.

[skippy740]

What will happen to him?

He will feel the Spirit and the love of his Bishop for confessing. His Bishop will offer counsel and advice. Perhaps encourage him to attend a local LDS Sexual Addiction Group.

Excommunication? That's for the unrepentant, and (from what I understand) it takes a greater sin such as adultery.

Disfellowshipped (limited activity and restricted from the Sacrament for a time)? Possibly.

Allow him to feel the peace of knowing that he is confessing and addressing this with his local priesthood leader. That alone, will help him reduce the weight on his heart.

[NeuroTypical]

There are four levels of church discipline.

Excommunication

Disfellowshipping

Formal Probation

Informal Probation

The severity of the sin sometimes dictates, but what I'm hearing here is hardly cheating on a spouse or embezzlement or child molestation or murder.

Go tell your friend to pick up the phone and make the appointment with the bishop now.

[Vort]

We cannot say. He needs to talk with his bishop ASAP.

(For what it's worth: I have no bishopric-type leadership experience, only second-hand based on people I know and am close to. But I would say there is not a chance in a thousand that he gets excommunicated, and probably not a chance in fifty that he gets disfellowshipped. For his own protection, the bishop might take his temple recommend for a period of time, but even that is purely at the discretion of the bishop. Whatever he's fearing will happen, it is 99.999% sure to be much better than that.)

[derblitzenator]

From the 2010 general handbook of instructions for bishops and stake presidents:

A disciplinary council should not be held to discipline or threaten members who do not comply with Word of Wisdom, who are struggling with pornography or self-abuse, or whose transgressions consist of omissions, such as failure to pay tithing, inactivity in the Church, or inattention to Church duties.

[Lakumi]

From the 2010 general handbook of instructions for bishops and stake presidents:

A disciplinary council should not be held to discipline or threaten members who do not comply with Word of Wisdom, who are struggling with pornography or self-abuse, or whose transgressions consist of omissions, such as failure to pay tithing, inactivity in the Church, or inattention to Church duties.

how do you discipline someone who isn't coming to church?

[rogermerril12]

dear fellow board members,

so where does the severity of his sin fall. Is viewing pornography one of the more serious sins there are? can one truly overcome this urge/ addiction? thank you all so much for your comments. I really do appreciate all of the help you have all given

[Jane_Doe]

Pornography is a nasty addictive habit. Truly stopping it by oneself is EXTREMELY difficult and I would say only happens in <5% of cases. That's why a help network (including the bishop) exists: to make give support and greatly improve chances of successfully stopping. The sooner someone gets help, the less difficult it is to stop-- that's why people say "go right away".

I know it takes a mountain of humility for someone to admit they have a problem and need help. It is hard- there ain't anything easy about addiction. But acknowledging the problem is the first step to fixing it.

As to church discipline- I assure you that he is not the first RM to come to your bishop with porn problems. The fact that you haven't heard of any mass hysteria about such RM's is because such matters (and all discipline) are handled very privately: the purpose is NOT to publicly shame, but to AIDE in healing.

If he wants to work through this addiction, he will NOT be excommunicated- why would the Lord kick someone trying to heal out of His house? Worse thing I could see happening is your friend might be asked to not pass the sacrament for a few weeks and lose his temple recommend. Such things, known as "disfellowshipping", are to remind him of the sacrament's/temple's/atonement's importance, and are only temporary.

God (and the bishop) want your friend to Heal, to overcome this, and to be a righteous worker in His kingdom. Always remember that.

[rogermerril12]

So dear forum,

I have already posted once on this forum about my friend that has had a problem with pornography. He has only had this problem for about a month but he feels super bad about it! He returned from his mission about right months ago. He doesn't look at it all the time just every now and then. He recently just told me that he has been having a girl write him on Facebook and talk in a sort of sexual way. He says he never really adds to the conversation but he never tells her to stop talking about that stuff. I know none of you can give a definite answer but I would like to at least have an idea of how much of a repentance process he will need. I just would like to know the severity of the consequences he has committed. I would just kind of like to know a general idea. Like excommunication or informal probation formal probation disfellowship. Any advice or info would be greatly greatly appreciated. Thank you all!

[Guest]

That's between your friend and his bishop.

[Torostoros]

CHI 1 specifically instructs that disciplinary councils should not be held to discipline or threaten members struggling with pornography, word of wisdom, or self-abuse issues. It's right near the top of the "When a Disciplinary Council is Not Necessary" section in Chapter 6.

ALL types of formal church discipline (formal probation, disfellowshipment, and excommunication) require a disciplinary council.

[Tamrajh]

Thought I'd add my 2 cents.

I have gone through all the stages of discipline including being excommunicated. Twice.

In my experience there is not always a full council that helps make the decisions. Sometimes the Bishop is given the instruction right away from the Lord and will put it into play. Sometimes further meetings are required. As I recall, the Bishop is over the women, the Stake President is over the men so he should not be surprised if he is invited to speak with his Stake President. It is not necessarily the end of the road.

Additionally I would like to add some insight into the hell of being excommunicated and what it's really like.

1. It is scary and you feel alone. This is the time you need help and support so you don't go running into the arms of the devil. Just because someone has been excommunicated does not mean they are a bad person.

2. People make bad decisions. Some decisions are worse than others and need to be dealt with accordingly.

3. I know it sounds stupid but it really is not a punishment. It is to be used as a time for the person to really investigate who they are and what they believe in. It is not easy to come back to church when you feel like everyone knows what's happened and the embarrassment of not accepting the sacrament.

4. This is a time to learn humility, trust, love, peace, honesty and integrity. If used well the person will feel closer to the Lord than ever before. They will understand what the sacrament means, how the atonement effects us and helps us.

5. Even the simple things of being able to give a prayer or bear your testimony are withheld. There were many times I cried during sacrament or relief society because no one took the time to bear their testimonies and I really needed them to I came to understamd what it meant to have that privelege and what it could mean to others.

6. The experience of being rebaptized is more special than you will ever know. Having the full knowledge of the atonement, feeling the love of Heavenly Father, Christ, family and friends, and the bishopric.

7. The closeness I feel now to my Savior could not have been attained if I had not been excommunicated twice. It takes me a while to catch on but the second time took a lot longer and a lot more work. That's when I grew and when I began to grasp what the Church is really all about.

8. I don't know if you can come back after a third excommunication but if that's what someone needs in order to learn who they are and what the Atonement is, then so be it.

There is very little talk about excommunication other than it is feared more than giving a talk in stake conference. It hurts and it's supposed to but it can make the person stronger and their testiomony much better. It really is a way of love because it gives you the chance to feel His love.

One more thing. The person needs to forgive themselves. That is the hardest part but the Atonement covers that too. It really is necessary to love yourself in order to feel whole.

Tell your friend that what he's going through now is much worse than the meeting with the Bishop itself. He is in hell right now and the only way out is through the Bishop. Good luck.