Sister in law's wedding....


christyml
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I have written about my sister in law before, but now I'm really unsure of what to do.....

She is engaged and is getting sealed in a temple that is about 6 hours away from where we live. She is getting sealed on a Friday.

My husband has already made the decision to not go through with her. Sil wants my husband, our son, and me to be there anyway for pictures.

A few problems:

She is getting sealed at 10am with pictures to follow.

My husband works night shift, so if we planned to go, he'd only get 4 hours of sleep tops.

My husband would have to take Friday off, but then there is really no time off left over (he was recently in the hospital and had to use 3 days).

She has treated me worse than garbage since the day I met her (see my other post about my sister in law). I don't really think she deserves to have my husband, my son, or me there. I personally don't want to go. My husband does, which really hurts my feelings, but that's another story.

My mother in law suggested I sleep all day and then drive all night. Our son is 1 year old. I won't be sleeping the whole day.

My husband told my mother in law that we may not be going because of the expenses from the hospital stay. She didn't really say anything, just gave us (or me) a sort of dirty look....

I think everyone knows that I don't want to go, which is fine. They're all trying to be super nice to me, which is really annoying. Sil has done that before just to get her way. I let her have what she wanted and then she was back to talking about me behind my back, so I know her games....

Basically, what I'm asking is, what would you do? Would you go and suck it up, only to be talked about behind your back again? Or not go and show the in laws that I won't put up with their nastiness and rudeness anymore?

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Show up for the sealing and pictures, play nice for that amount of time, and head back home. Of course your husband wants to be there. For better or worse, they are his family. It would be a kind gesture as his wife to make the sacrifice for his sake.

Edited by Eowyn
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Talk to your husband about what he thinks. Are they close? Maybe he could go for pictures, and you could make an excuse and stay home with the baby? I have a terrible (future) sister-in-law, too, with similar behavior. My policy is to avoid her like the plague, but that only works because she's mostly estranged from my fiance anyway. Honestly, if I were in your situation I'd push for not going. You have ample reason not to go (finances, baby, work, past/current drama) and it sounds like your husband doesn't want to go, either. It really sounds to me like she just wants to put on a show for the pictures.

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Rise above.

Aka... Do the classy thing.

You don't like your husband's sister.

She doesn't like you.

That's okay.

You don't have to like each other.

HOWEVER, not liking someone isn't license to treat people badly, or to try and get others to treat them badly.

Which is what deliberately snubbing your SILs wedding is: treating the ENTIRE family badly.

It's a giant slap in the face to your husband, his sister, their parents, and their entire family.

It's also super selfish, as it makes something that is not about you whatsoever, entirely about you.

To the point of making it a contest between you and his family about which your husband is going to choose.

Don't do that.

That doesn't mean you have to hang out & be besties with them, heck, you don't have to see them at all (half my in laws I refused to share air with)... But attempting to cut your husband off from his family is abusive. (Also super insecure & untrusting.). Which I hope you're not.

Which means: don't try to convince him not to go, even if you don't.

It's NATURAL for him to want to go, even if its inconvienent, or he's not getting along very well with her right now. Because family, ideally, is THERE for one another. Unless one is cutting ones self off from abuse, family SHOULD be there for one another. Through bickering, political huffs, irritation, et cetera. Those get put aside, and we're there when we're needed. Milestone events like births, weddings, and funerals count as needed.

Now... Of this was schlepping off to go fix her screen door (aka something minor), or it was something that sacrifices your own family (like missing your own Christmas, or the expense means getting evicted)... Then my answer would be entirely different. But it's not minor, nor causing your family to sacrifice.

This is her WEDDING.

It's a big deal.

Both for her, and her family. Of which you are a part of.

Do you like her? No.

Is it convienent? No.

Is going the right thing to do? (If you can not cause a scene). Yes.

Note the caveat.

If you can't go and be mature... Don't.

Send your husband & child (also his child, her nephew, their parents grandchild), and don't throw a tantrum at her wedding (again, making something not about you, about you).

But if you can do the grown up thing; be classy & be present.

Q

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x2 on Eowyn and Quin.

Yep. Revenge may be sweet but bad is bad no matter the reason. You can't control what she does so she can be as bad as she wants to be and it's not something you can change. But, you can control what you do and doing bad because she is doing bad makes you... bad.

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I would do what is best for your family: that is, you, your husband, and your son. That is your priority in all things. Not your parents and siblings, not your husband's parents and siblings. They are all family, but not your immediate family.

If you choose not to go, don't offer reasons or excuses, and don't apologize for it. Simply say that you'd like to be able to be there, but unfortunately it's not in the cards for your family.

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I know He wouldn't put up with her nastiness.

Didn't He?

There's an old story about how, as a lawyer in Illinois, Abraham Lincoln saw his wife explode at a passing salesman who happened to spit on the family's freshly swept doorstep. After Mrs. Lincoln ran out of steam and went inside, the salesman angrily demanded a word with Lincoln to complain about his wife's temper. Lincoln replied something to the effect of "Sir, I've had to deal with that for years. Don't you think you can stand it for five minutes?"

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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I would do what is best for your family: that is, you, your husband, and your son. That is your priority in all things. Not your parents and siblings, not your husband's parents and siblings. They are all family, but not your immediate family.

If you choose not to go, don't offer reasons or excuses, and don't apologize for it. Simply say that you'd like to be able to be there, but unfortunately it's not in the cards for your family.

I agree, but I don't know what would be best for my son; go support someone who has constantly treated his mommy horribly (and sort of saying it's okay to do so), or to go and be the better person.

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I agree, but I don't know what would be best for my son; go support someone who has constantly treated his mommy horribly (and sort of saying it's okay to do so), or to go and be the better person.

No, it's not saying at all that it's okay to do so. If you tell your son how wonderful your sister-in-law is for saying those vile and terrible things then you're telling your son it is okay to do so.

But, not going to a wedding is telling your son, here's an important priesthood ordinance that relatives sealed to my father is undergoing and my mother believes it's not important enough to set aside grievances for. Sealings must be worth zero and forgiveness worth even less.

But of course, it all depends on what you teach your son about the world around him...

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Think of it as an opportunity to model Christ-like, sacrificial love to someone who is undeserving. Christ died on the cross for us even though we are sinners. That is amazing love! I know it is hard, but look at everyone Christ offers love to. You will be seen as the bigger person and your example may help you SIL change, just as Christ's love transforms us.

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You can maintain appropriate boundaries with someone for a day without severing your husband from important family events. If someone starts to be rude, excuse yourself and find something else to do. If you can't keep your mouth shut, simply say something like, "I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound as rude as it did." And while they think of a response, walk away.

You need to stop thinking of you and paying back your in-laws and start thinking of your husband. In doing that, you set an example for your son that spouses make small sacrifices for one another's happiness. You can do it for a day or half a day. I promise. And I have some of the worst in-laws ever, for 15 years today, so I know of what I speak.

Do it for your husband.

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You can maintain appropriate boundaries with someone for a day without severing your husband from important family events. If someone starts to be rude, excuse yourself and find something else to do. If you can't keep your mouth shut, simply say something like, "I'm sure you didn't mean that to sound as rude as it did." And while they think of a response, walk away.

You need to stop thinking of you and paying back your in-laws and start thinking of your husband. In doing that, you set an example for your son that spouses make small sacrifices for one another's happiness. You can do it for a day or half a day. I promise. And I have some of the worst in-laws ever, for 15 years today, so I know of what I speak.

Do it for your husband.

Happy Anniversary, Eowyn! 15 is a milestone!

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My suggestions in order of preference:

1. Go. It looks obvious if you just send your husband, even with your kid, and not attend. Put on a happy face, play nice, try not to draw much attention to yourself, and stew about it on the way home. The whole family will know you are avoiding your sister-in-law.

2. If you can't play nice, don't go. Say it wasn't possible for you, and send your husband and maybe even your boy.

3. If the situation is so toxic you can't bare to let your husband go, tell him of your feelings. THough I still think it right he support his family, he should put you first. Likewise, you should put his feelings first.

My brother's wedding happened to correspond with a huge spat between my husband and some of my family members. We were invited anyway. There were some uncomfortable moments, yes, and I almost regretted going. Almost. It was my brother's (wife's) day, not mine, not my husband's not my family members'.

I think it's best we went. I'm glad we did.

Edited by Backroads
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I'm thinking about this and I can't help but think.... How bad can she be on the day she qualifies to go inside the temple?

If God deems her worthy enough to enter, why wouldn't I think she's worthy of my husband's and my support on her wedding day?

Somehow I can't imagine toxic and temple in the same event.

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I'm thinking about this and I can't help but think.... How bad can she be on the day she qualifies to go inside the temple?

If God deems her worthy enough to enter, why wouldn't I think she's worthy of my husband's and my support on her wedding day?

Somehow I can't imagine toxic and temple in the same event.

I've never had a temple interview, but I asked my husband if they asked questions specifically about how you've treated others. He didn't remember that question, or anything similar to it. Plus, knowing her, she could very well lie about it anyway.

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I've never had a temple interview, but I asked my husband if they asked questions specifically about how you've treated others. He didn't remember that question, or anything similar to it. Plus, knowing her, she could very well lie about it anyway.

You seem a little obsessed with your sister-in-law's behavior and worthiness.

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I've never had a temple interview, but I asked my husband if they asked questions specifically about how you've treated others. He didn't remember that question, or anything similar to it. Plus, knowing her, she could very well lie about it anyway.

You didn't marry/got sealed in the temple?

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You seem a little obsessed with your sister-in-law's behavior and worthiness.

Could be, but everyone loves her, and never sees how horrible she truly is. After 3 years of being treated like crap, I think it'd be a little understandable that I'm possibly obsessed, hoping that someone will notice that she's not as great as everyone seems to think....

It probably stems from my ex-step-mother. She was a horrible person to me, and no one noticed except me. Then my dad committed suicide and suddenly things came to light and everyone finally saw her for what she was and finally realized I was right. Maybe, subconsciously, I don't want to lose someone else.

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