Wife wants more kids, I'm done

[Eman]

Thanks all for your helpful insightful comments!

[Lakumi]

Since we're only getting one side of the story (and probably an underrepresentation of your own flaws and shortcomings) I'll let it be that you have bigger problems to sort out.

The only question I would ask related to children is this:

Does your wife want more children? Or does she want more babies?

Those aren't the same thing. I don't really have much love for newborn or infants. My younger daughter is just about to turn two years old, and it's only been in the last six months that I've really felt any interest or affinity for her other than "she's my offspring."

Your wife sounds like another mother I knew who wanted a very large family. Each time she had a baby, she would dote on the baby, but most of her public communication about the other children became frustrations and complaints. As far as I could tell, she loved having someone completely rely on her, but didn't care much for the stress and challenges of watching them develop their independence. The judgmental side of me wishes such people would stop having kids and play with dolls instead.

I have 14 ball jointed dolls:lol:

I could have all sorts of doll related hilarity.

Doll birthdays, doll graduations, doll mission calls, doll weddings, dolls who collect smaller dolls (who collect smaller dolls-dollception)

well the faerie ones wouldn't have birthdays or mission calls...heck you get what I mean lol

Edited October 30, 2013 by Lakumi

[Misshalfway]

Hi Eman.

Sounds like you are really frustrated and in a lot of pain. And it sounds like your wife is in a lot of pain too, although she may not know how to show it to you without using accusations, verbal attacks, and punishment. It sounds like it really hurts you to see her pain and that even though you can't feel good about having another child, you really do at your heart of hearts want to make her happy. Am I getting that right?

It's so hard to reach out to our partners when we are in pain. It's like our pain is competing to be the most important thing. And then we do stuff like blame and attack or stonewall and withdraw because we don't know what else to do....or we do but we aren't safe enough to soften with each other. For you, it sounds particularly difficult because your feelings aren't being heard or considered. And when you try to share them, you are judged and punished. This sounds like a very painful situation and I think you are very wise to hold on the question about having another child.

I'm wondering to if your wife is feeling so much pain that she is trying to use the baby to fill the hole. It's just a guess but when we aren't getting our attachment needs met in marriage, most of us go somewhere else for comfort. And having a baby and getting all that oxytocin (bonding hormone) tends to give us the sensation that we are loved and connected. Wondering if your wife is seeking this but doesn't know it. Chances are it's just easier to blame you than to really face or feel the pain, loneliness, etc. than tell you about it or risk letting you close enough to see it.

Good luck. I hope you find some therapy or that both of you soften enough to at least consider doing so.