Mission Pressure - A fathers perspective


Windseeker
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Our second counselor approaches my wife and me on separate occasions telling me that he and the Bishopric are fasting so that our son (19) will go on a mission. He would like our family to join the fast and then all of us meet with my son and encourage him to prepare to serve a mission in three months. The problem is that he will be going to college (church college) in two months. He approached my son last night and my son came home irritated at the whole thing.

I have to admit I'm irritated too. I served a mission, LOVED IT!, but I remember being his age and being quit rebellious, when people would mention serving a mission I would tell them it's none of their business.

Certainly I want my son to serve a mission, but I don't think this kind of pressure is necessary. I'm afraid it's going to come out like an drug intervention for a meth addict. My concern is that it could have the opposite affect.

Perhaps the spirit is far from me for me to feel this way. I just don't feel good about this. I honestly think he's pretty much made up his mind to serve a mission after a year of college. I'm getting ready to call the counselor and tell him we won't be participating.

The way I've handled it so far - I told my son that this counselor is well-meaning and perhaps we should indulge his effort, listen, smile and just continue as planned. His decision to serve the Lord is between him...and you guessed it...the Lord. He agreed and although it makes him uncomfortable he will bear with this seemingly overzealous counselor.

What do you guys think? Would you call it off, placate, or jump in the effort to get him to go now?

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Our second counselor approaches my wife and me on separate occasions telling me that he and the Bishopric are fasting so that our son (19) will go on a mission. He would like our family to join the fast and then all of us meet with my son and encourage him to prepare to serve a mission in three months. The problem is that he will be going to college (church college) in two months. He approached my son last night and my son came home irritated at the whole thing.

I have to admit I'm irritated too. I served a mission, LOVED IT!, but I remember being his age and being quit rebellious, when people would mention serving a mission I would tell them it's none of their business.

Certainly I want my son to serve a mission, but I don't think this kind of pressure is necessary. I'm afraid it's going to come out like an drug intervention for a meth addict. My concern is that it could have the opposite affect.

Perhaps the spirit is far from me for me to feel this way. I just don't feel good about this. I honestly think he's pretty much made up his mind to serve a mission after a year of college. I'm getting ready to call the counselor and tell him we won't be participating.

The way I've handled it so far - I told my son that this counselor is well-meaning and perhaps we should indulge his effort, listen, smile and just continue as planned. His decision to serve the Lord is between him...and you guessed it...the Lord. He agreed and although it makes him uncomfortable he will bear with this seemingly overzealous counselor.

What do you guys think? Would you call it off, placate, or jump in the effort to get him to go now?

I would kindly remind the counselor that the minimum age requirement for serving a mission is 18, but individuals may choose to enter the mission field as late as their mid-20's. It is the responsibility of each individual to prepare themself to serve at the time that they are prepared and feel inspired to serve. You may then inform your counselor that after discussing the matter, neither you, your wife, nor your son feel that now is the time for him to be serving and he will continue with his plans to attend school.

I would do that kindly once. And if he tried to intervene again, I would tell him, not so kindly, to buzz off.

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Our second counselor approaches my wife and me on separate occasions telling me that he and the Bishopric are fasting so that our son (19) will go on a mission. He would like our family to join the fast and then all of us meet with my son and encourage him to prepare to serve a mission in three months. The problem is that he will be going to college (church college) in two months. He approached my son last night and my son came home irritated at the whole thing.

I have to admit I'm irritated too. I served a mission, LOVED IT!, but I remember being his age and being quit rebellious, when people would mention serving a mission I would tell them it's none of their business.

Certainly I want my son to serve a mission, but I don't think this kind of pressure is necessary. I'm afraid it's going to come out like an drug intervention for a meth addict. My concern is that it could have the opposite affect.

Perhaps the spirit is far from me for me to feel this way. I just don't feel good about this. I honestly think he's pretty much made up his mind to serve a mission after a year of college. I'm getting ready to call the counselor and tell him we won't be participating.

The way I've handled it so far - I told my son that this counselor is well-meaning and perhaps we should indulge his effort, listen, smile and just continue as planned. His decision to serve the Lord is between him...and you guessed it...the Lord. He agreed and although it makes him uncomfortable he will bear with this seemingly overzealous counselor.

What do you guys think? Would you call it off, placate, or jump in the effort to get him to go now?

Or perhaps the Spirit is RIGHT THERE with you, and you're heeding Him.

I mean, really. What does your Bishop think will be more effective... Guilting, shaming, and pseudo-forcing by adults, or peer pressure from excited kids his own age prepping to go, and coming back (not to mention pretty girls making eyes at RMs), all at a church college?

Sheesh. Some people just can't seem to get it through their heads that not all action requires meddling. Sometimes, the best action to take is patience.

Q

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I am a convert. While I was an investigator, some people at church told me they were fasting so that I would make the right decision and get baptized. It made me extremely uncomfortable and actually delayed my baptism by many months.

If the bishopric wants to fast so that young people in the ward will make wise decisions as they choose colleges, work, or missions, I think that would be lovely. But making a fast specific to one person and to one course of action strikes me as improper.

If a member of the bishopric had said this to me, I would have smiled and replied, "Thank you so much for your suggestion. I'll give it all the attention it deserves."

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This situation with your son sounds EXACTLY like what I went through when I turned 19. The only difference, is that it was the Bishop, not the counselor. And my Bishop was a recently returned Mission President. And who do you think he had in his crosshair sights? ME.

It got to the point where my parents told him to back off, or they'll support me in choosing to be inactive.

I would propose a different idea. Instead of the ward 'fasting and praying' for him to have a desire to go... why not extend a calling to him? Let him go to work within the ward. I was called as the EQ Executive Secretary... and once I was ordained an Elder, I was the 2nd Counselor in the EQ Presidency. Being around these men, and participating in the "Government of the Affairs of the Kingdom" really helped me see that missionary service would be beneficial to my life.

I entered the mission field at age 21, and don't regret a thing. If I left earlier, I'm not sure I would've been in the right mindset for such service.

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I am a convert. While I was an investigator, some people at church told me they were fasting so that I would make the right decision and get baptized. It made me extremely uncomfortable and actually delayed my baptism by many months.

If the bishopric wants to fast so that young people in the ward will make wise decisions as they choose colleges, work, or missions, I think that would be lovely. But making a fast specific to one person and to one course of action strikes me as improper.

If a member of the bishopric had said this to me, I would have smiled and replied, "Thank you so much for your suggestion. I'll give it all the attention it deserves."

no one ever told me that, maybe they didn't want to come off too strong? I donno

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Our second counselor approaches my wife and me on separate occasions telling me that he and the Bishopric are fasting so that our son (19) will go on a mission. He would like our family to join the fast and then all of us meet with my son and encourage him to prepare to serve a mission in three months. The problem is that he will be going to college (church college) in two months. He approached my son last night and my son came home irritated at the whole thing.

I have to admit I'm irritated too. I served a mission, LOVED IT!, but I remember being his age and being quit rebellious, when people would mention serving a mission I would tell them it's none of their business.

Certainly I want my son to serve a mission, but I don't think this kind of pressure is necessary. I'm afraid it's going to come out like an drug intervention for a meth addict. My concern is that it could have the opposite affect.

Perhaps the spirit is far from me for me to feel this way. I just don't feel good about this. I honestly think he's pretty much made up his mind to serve a mission after a year of college. I'm getting ready to call the counselor and tell him we won't be participating.

The way I've handled it so far - I told my son that this counselor is well-meaning and perhaps we should indulge his effort, listen, smile and just continue as planned. His decision to serve the Lord is between him...and you guessed it...the Lord. He agreed and although it makes him uncomfortable he will bear with this seemingly overzealous counselor.

What do you guys think? Would you call it off, placate, or jump in the effort to get him to go now?

Fasting is a personal matter. The bishopric is allowed to fast for whatever reason they deem sufficient. Their notifying you of their fast was a mere courtesy. All you have to do is thank them for their efforts and go on your way.

I think you should continue supporting your son, and not mention anything more to him about the bishopric's fasts. The fast might indeed have some deep and important power to help, but not if used as a bludgeon.

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Fasting is a personal matter. The bishopric is allowed to fast for whatever reason they deem sufficient. Their notifying you of their fast was a mere courtesy. All you have to do is thank them for their efforts and go on your way.

I think you should continue supporting your son, and not mention anything more to him about the bishopric's fasts. The fast might indeed have some deep and important power to help, but not if used as a bludgeon.

I never discussed it with my son after my wife was approached and then later when I was approached. Both times they mentioned they wanted to meet this Sunday, the Bishopric and my Family (including my son) so we can all discuss my son preparing to serve a mission. It was only after my son came home irritated after our ward Trunk-or-Treat that we discussed it.

I guess he told my son what "we" were all doing.

I told my son that we should be patient because the Bishopric means well. The counselor is new and Brazilian (culture perhaps?).

After reading these posts I discussed it with my wife (returned missionary from Brazil) and she totally agrees to call this well-meaning counselor and let him him know we appreciate their effort and we won't be attending any meeting. I can't anyway as my son is getting his Patriarchal blessing.

Edited by Windseeker
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Personnally I think that no one should be pressurised into serving a Mission - going to college could be a good step towards him being ready to serve a mission.

If the church felt that young men should only serve at the lower end of the age bracket they wouldn't have an age bracket as such - and missions benefit from having Elders who are a bit older.

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Personnally I think that no one should be pressurised into serving a Mission - going to college could be a good step towards him being ready to serve a mission.

If the church felt that young men should only serve at the lower end of the age bracket they wouldn't have an age bracket as such - and missions benefit from having Elders who are a bit older.

Yes, I agree. I entered the MTC on my 19th birthday. I was not alone amongst those I served with in the respect and veneration we had towards the older missionaries who chose to serve later in life. They were magnetic and just seemed to handle the difficulties of a mission with much more confidence and calm and had a way of uplifting all those around them.

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I went on my mission after a year of college, and I'd personally recommend that over the alternative. My freshman year was the first time I had lived on my own, and the life skills I learned that year helped me be better prepared for taking care of myself on my mission. Going to a church school (I went/am going to BYU) was also nice because it was a spiritually strengthening environment. There's also Mission Prep classes you can take, and the bishops of the freshman wards are very supportive of missionary goals.

Maybe you can help your Bishopric/counselor understand that going to a church school for a year won't lessen your son's desire to serve a mission one bit. The only way that I can see someone going to a church college for a year and then deciding not to serve a mission is if they didn't want to go on a mission to begin with.

Edited by LittleWyvern
Can't grammar today
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After reading these posts I discussed it with my wife (returned missionary from Brazil) and she totally agrees to call this well-meaning counselor and let him him know we appreciate their effort and we won't be attending any meeting. I can't anyway as my son is getting his Patriarchal blessing.

A MUCH better reason to skip any meeting! His Patriarchal blessing may be an additional catalyst for his desire to serve, but it will be his decision... and no one else's.

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Your post made me think of my BiL's situation. Nice kid, but wild, even ended up in the bishop's office for serious matters. I found myself wondering if he would serve a mission. My husband worried about it, my in-laws freaked out and put WAY too much pressure.

The kid is currently serving his mission.

What happened?

According to him, what led to the decision was not pressure from his family, his ward, anyone.

As his community does not offer a high school, he moved across the state to live with his sister (who is not even active) and her family to attend high school there. One requirement of the move was that he would attend seminary.

Did the seminary teacher pressure him? No. Somebody said something in the class (not directed to him) that made him think and set forth a chain of events.

While I agree with some reminding of the priesthood duty and fully believe that all worthy and able young priesthood holders should work to serve a mission, what happened in my BiL's case was his own heart and circumstances AND his own timing.

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I bet this bishopric is a very loving group and I give them credit for good intentions. There's no doubt in my heart that they are trying to help. But I think we all see that their method is flawed. It's easier to preach the principles of agency and faith but harder to live it. I'm a parent with a teenaged boy who is struggling. He may not choose to serve a mission. The situation has forced me to come to terms with my own fears and my own inclinations to pressure. It's like a trying to figure my way through a maze hoping that my tactical decisions won't create more problems. It's so hard to let go when you love so much!

I guess the good news is that we DO have agency even though others try to control all the outcomes. We can say "no" and "no thank you" and "I'll think about that." Hard to do it without residual resentments creeping in. I usually need a good vent before I can let all the urked feelings go.

I love it, Wind, that you see through all of it. I love it that you are supporting your son and that you are protective of his agency. Sounds like what Heavenly Father would do.

Edited by Misshalfway
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I am a convert. While I was an investigator, some people at church told me they were fasting so that I would make the right decision and get baptized. It made me extremely uncomfortable and actually delayed my baptism by many months.

The new Mormon diet plan; delay your baptism until the entire congregation is down to a healthy weight :D

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  • 3 weeks later...

I was in your son's shoes long ago.

I had been visiting with an Army recruiter as I had zero interest in serving a mission. After I turned 18 I decided to join and left one morning early with the recruiter and signed up. Problem was I had to wait several months to actually leave for Basic Training.

The wait was interminable and frankly I wish I had left right then, but I was still in my senior year of high school. I joined on a saturday and went to church on sunday facing a barrage of various ward members making their opinion known of the horrible choice I had made. Bishop, Priest Quorum leader, et al were all involved in a concentrated effort to talk me out of my mistake.

Anyway- this went on for several months and by the time I had left I was very angry and I pretty much bailed on the church because of the non-stop badgering. Granted, I was not up to speed morally to even go as I partied pretty hard and smoked some...of course back then all you had to do was confess and all that and you were in.

I spent a long time on active duty angry at how I was treated and attended church three times in my first four years. Twice in basic training and once at FT Bragg.

Eventually I settled down, married in temple, got my degree, had kids and all that happy stuff.

Fast fwd to the present. From time to time I see a kid who doesnt want to go and see them get some pressure- it makes me physically ill as I relive my experience of being harassed. Not good as this means I have probably not let it go yet and frankly I dont think I ever will.

So- tell them to leave your kid alone. A mission is a good thing for those who want to serve, but if one is cornered into it probably not the best idea. Besides, there are plenty of guys out there who didnt serve a mission who turned out pretty good.

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I never discussed it with my son after my wife was approached and then later when I was approached. Both times they mentioned they wanted to meet this Sunday, the Bishopric and my Family (including my son) so we can all discuss my son preparing to serve a mission. It was only after my son came home irritated after our ward Trunk-or-Treat that we discussed it.

I guess he told my son what "we" were all doing.

I told my son that we should be patient because the Bishopric means well. The counselor is new and Brazilian (culture perhaps?).

After reading these posts I discussed it with my wife (returned missionary from Brazil) and she totally agrees to call this well-meaning counselor and let him him know we appreciate their effort and we won't be attending any meeting. I can't anyway as my son is getting his Patriarchal blessing.

Great way to handle it.

Sometimes when we receive the kind of feelings you did about this fast we dismiss them because the feelings are warm and inviting. Feeling uncomfortable about something can be inspiration too.

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President Kimball said: "Certainly every male member of the Church should fill a mission, like he should pay his tithing, like he should attend his meetings, like he should keep his life clean and free from the ugliness of the world and plan a celestial marriage in the temple of the Lord.

While there is no compulsion for him to do any of these things, he should do them for his own good." President Kimball Speaks Out on Being a Missionary - New Era May 1981 - new-era

And... I'd add, surely we can't force people into living celestial lives. I need to recognize myself what I must do, and I need to act in faith according to my conscience and the testimony of the Spirit within me.

For men in the able age, who have made covenants and received the Melchizedek priesthood, more than being the question: "Should I go on a mission?" it is a question of how and when. That's really between God and the person, as mentioned :). I agree completely with what has been said about not forcing or pushing others into serving a mission, much like I don't agree with pushing or forcing anyone into paying tithing, or keeping the word of wisdom.

But I'll encourage as appropriate, and explain in a Spirit of kindness the doctrines of the kingdom, knowing that while a person shouldn't be forced into doing any of these, he is still expected to.

President Thomas S. Monson: "We affirm that missionary work is a priesthood duty—and we encourage all young men who are worthy and who are physically able and mentally capable to respond to the call to serve." https://www.lds.org/youth/video/welcome-to-conference?lang=eng

Edited by Tzesaro
Forgot a quote and links.
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I donno, I don't think everyone has the mental capacity to go on a mission.

I have mentioned several times of my... how you say, fragile mental state, and I would snap and return home early.

Some people know themselves more then others, and I know I couldn't do it, just like I couldn't join the army or work as a receptionist.

I can barely go to church, often times becoming recluse for days or weeks on end-some people can't cut it and I think its important for people to know themselves.

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I went on my mission after a year of college, and I'd personally recommend that over the alternative. My freshman year was the first time I had lived on my own, and the life skills I learned that year helped me be better prepared for taking care of myself on my mission. Going to a church school (I went/am going to BYU) was also nice because it was a spiritually strengthening environment. There's also Mission Prep classes you can take, and the bishops of the freshman wards are very supportive of missionary goals.

Maybe you can help your Bishopric/counselor understand that going to a church school for a year won't lessen your son's desire to serve a mission one bit. The only way that I can see someone going to a church college for a year and then deciding not to serve a mission is if they didn't want to go on a mission to begin with.

My son is at BYU currently and it was not immediately his first choice (though EFY in the summer helped him with the decision) and he had expressed little or no desire to serve a mission. I have repeatedly told him that it was his decision and though I thought it was the right choice, ultimately he would need to pray and come to his own decision and we would love him regardless.

He has recently informed me of his intent to serve and is excited about serving a mission in the summer of 2014. He definitely was not ready at 18 and will be better prepared when he is 19 in the Spring. I am happy that it is his decision and am certain that the influence of the Spirt played a major role...and likely the letters he gets from his brother serving in Italy helps as well.

Edited by bytor2112
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A mission at 18 isn't for everyone.Your son is an adult and it's up to him when/if he goes on a mission.he has plenty of time to go on a mission and like other posters have said,going to college will be a good preparation for him.One of my sons went at 18,had to get special permission at the time,he was ready.His brother was not ready at 18,he went when he was 19 ,he decided when to go. Pressuring people about anything often has disastrous consequences,I know several YSA who have decided not to go on missions and are less active as they weren't ready for a mission and were terrified at the thought.I know other people who went after they had got their degree,it was right for them.The bishopric sounds very well meaning but you know your son better than them.

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