Dating before divorced


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I've been temple married for 35 years and we have decided to get divorced. The day after we decided, my husband signed up for several dating sites. He started dating right away. He showed me responses and pictures. He even told me about a few of his dates. All this shocked me and hurt me deeply. It's now been 8 months and he's serious about someone. He has not told me about this relationship but others have seen them together and have told me about it or asked me if he's having an affair. We are not divorced. He's telling people he is divorced. He takes her to his ward.

My question is: Is it acceptable to be dating when you're still married?

I'm embarrassed by this behavior and so are our children. I don't think it's appropriate for him to be telling people he's divorced and dating, when he's not.

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Agreed - not acceptable. At a minimum (in my mind), one should respect the marriage covenant enough to not date while still bound by that covenant... until the marriage has been dissolved. Even if one does not respect or love their spouse anymore, one should respect the marriage covenant and their personal honor to live by it.

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Clearly unacceptable, but it's equally clear that he has been using his dating "success" as a club to bash you with. You are divorcing him, so quit focusing on him. He is shaming himself, and that involves you only to the degree you let it.

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Gross.

On several levels.

1... He's using this to hurt you. Even if it were entirely acceptable to break your vows, doing it in such a way as to cause pain to your wife & children is reprehensible.

2... The breaking vows part.

((The "Oh, but we're GOING to..." Hs about as much weight with me in divorce as breaking the law of chasity pre marriage. Until a thing is done, it's not done. And I've been there, by the by. Sure. There were a LOT of times I really just wanted strong arms to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. It took 2 years for my divorce to finalize. Ugh. But I'm glad I kept my end of things on the moral high ground. So mich of everything else in my lofe was just in the muck, it would have been very easy to jump down in the muck, too. The Spirit was of HUGE comfort during this time.))

I'm sorry.

Do know, this doesn't reflect on you, or on your kids.

It's not your fault he's making these choices.

It does not negate your own vows, or tarnish you adhering to them.

AKA, just because he's doing the wrong thing, that doesn't make you guilty by association.

Keep your chin up.

Q

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It's tasteless.

I did once ask my husband if he had gone on any dates whilst still technically is his first marriage. He admits he had, but at the end when they were completely living apart and just waiting for paperwork to process. I still chided him about it.

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The standard at least in the UK for attendance at church single adult activities is that you are divorced (the divorce has to be completed not in the process of going through), single never married or widowed.

It is also very thoughtless and selfish of him to be telling you all about it.

I think I would speak to my bishop about the situation

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It is not acceptable but I can tell you reasons why someone does it.

1. Their objective is to hurt their spouse, and rarely do they think about the rest of the family that becomes involved, like children specifically.

2. They want to escape their own pain and search for immediate comfort and companionship elsewhere.

3. Both of those things.

My first marriage was not in the temple. When I was going through the divorce process, I was also going through all kinds of emotions and to different degrees. One moment I was debilitated by the hurt I felt from my ex - and the next moment - I felt energised in the thought of picking up the shattered pieces and starting anew. I was so mixed up inside. I found myself very lost, lonely, and looking for someone to lean on. While I didn't start dating right away, I did go on several dates before the divorce was finalised. I justified my actions because I knew that my ex had already moved in with a woman he had been involved with in the past. Like I said, it's not acceptable but those are some reasons why someone does it.

The advice I'd give is to distant yourself the best you can from your ex. Don't get caught up in his business and concern yourself over it. From what I'm understanding, I assume that your children are now adults themselves? When any of you have to be in his presence, be civil and keep it simple. Otherwise, like others have said, the only person you have control of is yourself. Honour the vows you've made and be a great example to your kids - whether they're children or not. Best of luck.

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If you're concerned at all about what he's doing, it's going to be a long road ahead for you.

It should be the other way around. My ex filed divorce and I was overjoyed when I found out a few months later she was pregnant with her BF. Remarriage terminates alimony, so I was rooting for her to get remarried ASAP, and the baby did the trick. During the divorce I was ordered to support her (and her boyfriend :rolleyes:) with alimony.

Just be glad you're not paying for his dates.

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I agree and would say that the church policy is pretty unequivocal that there is no dating before the divorce is finalized.

Skippy, though, said something that, despite completely agreeing with it, brings to mind some of the hypocrisy of post-divorce dating.

Agreed - not acceptable. At a minimum (in my mind), one should respect the marriage covenant enough to not date while still bound by that covenant... until the marriage has been dissolved. Even if one does not respect or love their spouse anymore, one should respect the marriage covenant and their personal honor to live by it.

I don't think anyone would disagree that a temple sealing is infinitely more significant than a civil wedding. Yet, even though it's absolutely verboten to date someone whose divorce is not finalized it's perfectly acceptable to date a divorcee who is still sealed to someone else. That's ridiculous and completely hypocritical.

And to complicate things, as I understand it, unless something has changed, you can't be considered for a sealing cancellation UNLESS you are doing to be sealed to someone else (as in you have a person, not in a hypothetical 'I hope there's someone for me in the future...' sense).

I feel sympathy for divorcees caught in that unsolvable dilemma. As for me, I keep things simple - I will not date someone married (of course), going through a divorce, or someone sealed to another person. Those are absolute lines I will not cross.

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I don't think anyone would disagree that a temple sealing is infinitely more significant than a civil wedding.

Significant in what way? If you are married but not sealed, God himself sanctions your sexual relations. If you are sealed but not married, you are an adulterer if you have sexual relations. So in that sense, a civil marriage would be "more significant" than a temple sealing.

Yet, even though it's absolutely verboten to date someone whose divorce is not finalized it's perfectly acceptable to date a divorcee who is still sealed to someone else. That's ridiculous and completely hypocritical.

In what sense is it hypocritical? How is it ridiculous? It doesn't seem to me to be either of those things.

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Vort, it's been a while since I've been here and I forgot you existed or that you seemed to like to stalk my comments in a creepy way. Just to save you some time, I'm not going to read/respond to you.

Huh. Funny, I don't remember you. But in any case, I assume this means that you can't answer my simple questions. Looks like conversation is utterly out of the question. Oh, well.

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I agree and would say that the church policy is pretty unequivocal that there is no dating before the divorce is finalized.

Skippy, though, said something that, despite completely agreeing with it, brings to mind some of the hypocrisy of post-divorce dating.

I don't think anyone would disagree that a temple sealing is infinitely more significant than a civil wedding. Yet, even though it's absolutely verboten to date someone whose divorce is not finalized it's perfectly acceptable to date a divorcee who is still sealed to someone else. That's ridiculous and completely hypocritical.

And to complicate things, as I understand it, unless something has changed, you can't be considered for a sealing cancellation UNLESS you are doing to be sealed to someone else (as in you have a person, not in a hypothetical 'I hope there's someone for me in the future...' sense).

I feel sympathy for divorcees caught in that unsolvable dilemma. As for me, I keep things simple - I will not date someone married (of course), going through a divorce, or someone sealed to another person. Those are absolute lines I will not cross.

The baptismal interview and within the temple, this phrase is used: "Legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife".

https://www.lds.org/manual/preach-my-gospel-a-guide-to-missionary-service/how-do-i-prepare-people-for-baptism-and-confirmation?lang=eng

a.

The law of chastity, which prohibits any sexual relationship outside the bonds of a legal marriage between a man and a woman.

Therefore, the legal status and genders of the marriage is what prevails, regardless of the status of the temple sealing.

This is just to help provide additional clarity, that's all. I wouldn't want to discourage someone from dating a legally divorced person who still happens to be sealed to another.

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Significant in what way? If you are married but not sealed, God himself sanctions your sexual relations. If you are sealed but not married, you are an adulterer if you have sexual relations. So in that sense, a civil marriage would be "more significant" than a temple sealing.

Vort, this thread is about dating, not about sexual relations.

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Dating before the divorce is legally completed should be an absolute no.

There is nothing stating you have to wait until a sealing cancellation is completed. That's an entirely different issue that will sometimes come around if you should decide to get remarried.

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Vort, this thread is about dating, not about sexual relations.

Fair point, though I'm still not sure how being sealed is "more significant" in a dating relationship than being merely married. Seem the opposite might be more true; I'm open to counterexamples or other demonstrations. And I'm still not understanding the hypocrisy of a sealed but divorced or widowed person dating. (As you may recall, my advice to the OP was to ignore the activites of the man she's divorcing and let him shame himself without allowing her involvement.)

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My question is: Is it acceptable to be dating when you're still married?

There is no such a thing as "dating" someone else while you still legally married. Hence, the Church doesn't allow people who are separated to participate in YSA or SA activities until they are officially divorced. He is being unfaithful even if you're aware of his "dates".

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Guest SinnerLloyd
Posted (edited) · Hidden
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It seems like most people here agree with me and think it is definitely unacceptable. He should have the decency to at least not rub it into your face about it. But maybe hes doing on purpose. Good luck with everything. If you want a dating site to get him back, try a casual dating one like the one i found at iHookup. Im sure you can find a date instantly.

Edited by SinnerLloyd
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I only got 2 e-mails back on my initial post and I didn't realize there had been so many comments. Thank you. Just reading the comments has helped me calm down tonight.

Here's my new questions.

Really, I should go tell my bishop that he's dating? What's he going to do about it?

Secondly, When we divorce, and my spouse remarries, can he file for a cancellation of our sealing? I thought the men could be sealed to more than one woman but women could only be sealed to one man. So if I got remarried, I would be the the one to cancel my first sealing.

Anyone know the truth on sealing cancelations?

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I only got 2 e-mails back on my initial post and I didn't realize there had been so many comments. Thank you. Just reading the comments has helped me calm down tonight.

Here's my new questions.

Really, I should go tell my bishop that he's dating? What's he going to do about it?

Secondly, When we divorce, and my spouse remarries, can he file for a cancellation of our sealing? I thought the men could be sealed to more than one woman but women could only be sealed to one man. So if I got remarried, I would be the the one to cancel my first sealing.

Anyone know the truth on sealing cancelations?

Quilter, you're obviously upset about your soon-to-be ex husband's behavior. He should not be dating before getting divorced. But, there is no point in allowing his behavior to upset you so. He is exercising his free will. It is not up to you to judge him. In my opinion, I don't see any purpose in telling your bishop that he is dating. If he doesn't repent, he will reap his just rewards. If he repents, then he is forgiven. And you will need to let it go, whether he is repentant or not. Knowing the Gospel plan as we do, we hope that he is repentant.

When your spouse remarries, he possibly could request a sealing cancellation, but most likely he will instead be requesting a sealing clearance. A sealing clearance means that the prior sealing remains in place, and he is "cleared" to be sealed to his next spouse. You are correct, in that men may be sealed to more than one woman during their life time. For a woman, while she is living, she can be sealed to only one man. If she remarries after a divorce, if she wishes to be sealed to the new husband, then she would need to get a sealing cancellation. After death, a woman may be sealed to all her husbands that she had during her lifetime, even if she was sealed to one of her husbands during her lifetime. This is done all the time in Family History work.

Typically, a sealing cancellation is not requested until the former wife has found a new husband to be sealed to. But, there are women who have requested a sealing cancellation prior to remarrying, and it has been granted. Men, too, are allowed to request a sealing cancellation, but it isn't as common as the female requesting the cancellation.

My husband after counseling with our Bishop, has requested a sealing cancellation from his ex wife. They've been divorced for over 34 years. There was infidelity, abandonment, and excommunication on her part. We shall see what happens.

I wish you well, Quilter. Please don't allow his actions to overly stress you or make you bitter. Let him go.

Edited by classylady
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Doesn't excommunication cancel the marriage sealing and other Temple blessings anyway?

Answering the OP: you're right that dating prior to the divorce being final is well out of moral bounds, and I also agree with other posters that he's rather immaturely seeking to hurt you. You have no reason to feel badly about your own behavior, so far as I can tell, and anyone who knows the real story (who even has any business having opinions) will easily be able to tell who's the moral adult in the situation. Your kids, regardless of age, do need one parent who's behaving in a Christian manner, so keep up the good work. :)

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