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Ok, I am here because I am actually embarrassed to say anything to people who know me.

My 12 year old son has been, unbeknownst to me, saying horrible, filthy things to his friends and the girls at school. This is not allowed in our home and I am very careful about the things that he watches on TV. In fact, the only reason I found out is because I called another mother to find out why her son was no longer friends with mine. She said, "I didn't want to tell you because kids will be kids." Come to find out, the things he has said at their house and in conversation with their son are downright disgusting. I am at a total loss. I have 4 grown children but this is a new one for me. What would you do? How would you handle it? We have discussions all the time about language and proper respect for sacred things. So, this caught me by surprise. And, to be honest, I was so very embarrassed when she basically had to say that her son has made a choice to stop being friends with mine because of the bad influence. I just don't know what to do...:(

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Expose your son to the consequences of his actions. Let him know how his filthy conversations have alienated him from his friends.

You might also consider finding the source of his filthy mouth and isolating him from it.

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Expose your son to the consequences of his actions. Let him know how his filthy conversations have alienated him from his friends.

You might also consider finding the source of his filthy mouth and isolating him from it.

If a kid goes to school they're gonna learn it, no way around that.

Even if they don't associate with anyone who talks like that, they can still hear it around them.

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If a kid goes to school they're gonna learn it, no way around that.

Even if they don't associate with anyone who talks like that, they can still hear it around them.

One of many reasons I don't allow my kids to go to public school until they're twelve.

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Sounds like your boy needs a reality check - he needs a reminder that there can be serious consequences for his actions. He's only 12 - so I would be taking control of this situation sooner rather than later.

Is he using foul language to show off to other boys and/or to harass the girls at school? If so he probably won't care that the 'good kids' don't want to be his friends anymore. He probably will care though, if girls or boys he likes tell him he's just embarrassing himself and not impressing anyone.

Has he used sexually explicit language towards the girls at his school? I would be taking his dirty mouth down to the principal's office to to remind him of the school's anti-bullying and harassment policies. Remind him that there can be serious consequences for using sexually explicit language towards other students. After that, and with the principal's encouragement, I'd be getting him to apologize individually to any kid he has upset or offended with demeaning or explicit language.

Does the school have a school based police officer who can give him a frank talking to about the consequences of sexual comments towards others at school and in the workplace. Let him know that if he were to speak this way in a place of employment, he could lose his job. If he keeps it up at school, he could get suspended.

At home, I'd be refusing him internet access unless it's in a public area of the house and only related to his schoolwork. I'd also refuse to let him talk on the phone or play any video games until I saw a change in his behavior. Whatever it is he cares about - don't let him have it until he shows he's responsible with his language again.

If he's getting the bad language from electronic sources, you can control that. If it's from hanging around other kids who do the same, I'd also limit his out-of-school time with them.

It won't take long before he makes the connection: potty mouth = bad consequences and deprivation / nice mouth = respect from family/friends and access to fun stuff.

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Hmm. This isn't a home school versus public school issue to me. You could raise your child inside a shoe box but the moment they step out, there are many inappropriate things they are exposed to, just in day to day life. The TV, the internet, magazine covers at local stores, billboards, conversations overheard from other teens and adults around town, etc., etc.

I agree with Skippy. I think your son is getting a reaction from someone (or possibly multiple people) that he's liking when using this behaviour, and therefore continues to do it. I know it's a delicate balance when confronting teens, I was a terrible rebel myself, but just remember that teens need parents who are strong role models more than they do a 'friend'. Kids can find plenty of friends, ones with good intentions and are good influences, and ones with bad intentions and are bad influences, but they'll always need daddy and mummy to help steer them in the right path.

I remember saying some pretty terrible things as a youth and my mother (I don't necessarily recommend this but it embarrassed me pretty badly) made me write down the words that had come out of my mouth. She then proceeded to read it a loud and make me look like an absolute idiot. I think I was ten. I made sure not to do it again.

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I have to say, my 12-year-old has been very good since he got ordained into the Aaronic Priesthood. He got called as 2nd counsellor and he and his dad had a long talk about being worthy to hold it.

He is taking this calling seriously so far, so when he does things like fight with his brother, I tell him to remember he holds the Priesthood now and he usually gets an attitude adjustment.

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Ah, kids.

At least you have 3 who DIDNT do this, so you can drop ANY pretense at embarrassment.

Different kids have (and are) different challenges, struggles, and issues.

Even in the same family.

So...

My biggest suggestion is actually that : STOP being embarrassed.

Why?

Because it sounds like you need to enlist the aid of those around you.

Which you can't do if you're too embarrassed to talk to people about it.

Some kids just don't put a lot of weight behind what their parents say (saints are never recognized on their own doorstep kind of thing), but WILL listen to others. Even if it's the SAME thing that their parents are saying.

Parent says it = sounds stupid

Random stranger (or trusted coach, mentor, uncle, etc.) says the same durn thing = brilliant

Face. Meet palm.

HF grant me a burst of patience!

I would suggest:

Talk with church-people first.

His teachers, Boyscout leader, coaches, etc... Can (will and do) direct lessons & advice towards problems the kids are actively having.

IF they know about them.

They can be a PHENOM resource.

Talk to the school. Just go in and explain that you've gotten word that your son is seriously misbehaving, and want to find out the extent of it (it may also be blown out of proportion by this other kid/their mom. But I wouldn't count on it. A lot of kids blame other kids for their own actions, but far more are equally complicit. Meaning both kids are swearing, or cutting class, or doing whatever. Not just one leading another astray and then blaming the kid they brought along. More usually, they're egging each other on). Once you've talked with the school, you'll Hav both a better idea of how pervasive this is AND you'll have another resource (open line of communication, as well as the school counselor if things get bad or are already in need of so,e shoring up.)

Talk with the parents of his friends.

Usually it really isn't one kid, but ALL of them.

"Hey, have you guys been having issues with swearing? I didn't with my other three, but Im about to lose my ever lovin mind with this one!" Almost always gets an affirmative. Along with relief (Its not just mine! yah! i can TALK with someone about it without feeling like an awful parent! oy!) It's just that people take on too much of their kids successes & failures, and get embarrassed. And either DOMT talk with each other and pool resources, or "perfect angel syndrome" (it's the other kids who have these problems, mine would NEVER).

With 3 already through adolescence... I'm sure you know that pushing boundaries & trying on different personas like clothes is reeeeeeeally normal for the age group. It sounds like your other kids pushed different boundaries, but that doesn't mean what your 12yo is doing is pant normal.

Unacceptable.

But normal.

So kick your shame to the curb, and get proactive.

You've got this.

Deep breath, and keep moving forward.

Q

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All of the above was helpful, even if only to find support. I had already done much of what was offered as advice. For instance, he has lost ipod, xbox, facebook, and internet for at least 2 weeks. He is also on what we are calling "probation" until Christmas at which time we will evaluate his behavior. Everyday when he heads off to school, I remind him that he is a priesthood holder and must act like one.

We shall see...

Thank you, everybody for the advice.

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There was a church video I saw a few years ago that might be interesting.

I have no idea the name, but it was shown to us by the missionaries, so maybe some RM's might know it.

It showed a beautiful family with a lovely home - all very clean and beautiful, it then showed dirt in the home each time someone allowed the wrong things into their homes (smoking, drinking, bad language, etc).

It is hard with teens. My 3 are considered "goody 2 shoes" because they don't swear at school when all the other kids appear to. They are still happy to uphold that standard regardless of what others think, though who knows what pressure they will be under over the next few years?

Interestingly, all their friends know that our house is friendly and clean and we don't allow language and bad behaviour. They are all willing to abide by our rules and enjoy coming over.

Is there a problem with this amongst other boys at church? I know there is at our ward, I have heard the things some of the boys say and was horrified. So far my son thinks badly of their behaviour rather than emulate it. Point is, don't assume it is just school he may be getting it from.

Good luck, it is hard work being a parent.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I recently found out that his talk was only part of the issue. The other kid, who's mouth is just as bad, was making excuses to his mother to get him out of the friendship. That does not excuse my son, by any means. I remind my son every day when he heads off to school. "Remember, you hold the priesthood. Don't let your Heavenly Father be disappointed in your actions." I think... I hope it is helping. He is really a good boy just wants so badly to "fit in." And this can be a scary thing, to say the least.

And to the person who asked... Yes, I think some of the other LDS kids talk the same way. We are in a very small community with very few LDS.

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I recently found out that his talk was only part of the issue. The other kid, who's mouth is just as bad, was making excuses to his mother to get him out of the friendship. That does not excuse my son, by any means. I remind my son every day when he heads off to school. "Remember, you hold the priesthood. Don't let your Heavenly Father be disappointed in your actions." I think... I hope it is helping. He is really a good boy just wants so badly to "fit in." And this can be a scary thing, to say the least.

And to the person who asked... Yes, I think some of the other LDS kids talk the same way. We are in a very small community with very few LDS.

This thought this dawned on me.

Perhaps a better saying would be: "You're a child of God and He loves you. Don't let your actions disappoint Him." Versus: "You hold the priesthood.." I only bring it up because if you know you're not worthy of the priesthood and at some point you lose the priesthood, it becomes a moot concept, but no matter what crap you get yourself into you're always a child of God. And living righteously is something everyone can strive for, with or without priesthood. Just a thought.

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Lakumi,

Thank you for that. There is virtually NO WAY to remove the source.

it's not about removing it, when I was a lad, oh my did I say some awful things.

And not only did I say them, out and about with friends, but I'd write crude stories and a comic with all the swears under the sun.

And, at least for me, stopped when people around me stopped caring. It wasn't shocking anymore, and that's why I was all "outrageous" to be shocking.

Kids all wanna "be cool" and usually cool is not something you should hope for (being crude, and embarrassing to look back upon-of you grow up, not everybody does)

While I don't have any Priesthood (and as a teenager was an atheist) I still try and live my life with a respect for others.

No one wants to really associate with crude, disrespectful people-except other crude, disrespectful people-and friendships in a destructive environment never last.

I learned that too.

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  • 1 month later...

My dad's occasional mentioning of "mouth being washed out with soap" was a pretty big deterrent in my house growing up.

Also, the way I see it - if a child isn't able to handle themselves appropriately outside of the house, they're not old enough to leave the house (at least not without constant supervision)! Meaning that the idea of mom constantly by his side should work wonders as a wake up call.

Edited by notquiteperfect
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