Kids today


beefche
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I have a group of girlfriends that go out once a month. We've been friends since high school. Five of us are married and four of us have kids. The oldest kids are now either in college or working. This issue has come up with each of of these 20 something year old kids.

The moms and dads are concerned that their kids don't understand or want to live independently. Each of these parents are still paying for things such as auto insurance, cell phone, cable (really?????), even food costs. One of my friends estimate they spend about $1,000 per month for each of their three kids (2 are in college with full scholarships and one is trying to finish college).

One of the things that I've said (so says the woman without any kids) is that why are these kids being supported so much? I understand while they are in school...unable to work (kids with the scholarships are on sports teams so their time is limited). But most of these kids are still spending money on manicures, pedicures, cable TV, high end cell phone/plans, the latest gaming system, etc.

But, each of them (even the single, no kids woman) says "that's just kids today." Is it? I'm completely baffled by these kids who are quitting their job without another job lined up, chooses to spend money on unnecessary things (like manicures), etc. But what gets me? The parents. They've lectured these kids and threatened to withhold support, but still this goes on.

Am I just some old fogey who doesn't understand today's society and lifestyle? How are kids not learning these basic life skills? And I'm not sure it's just these particular parents--we are talking 5 sets of parents who are my age and grew up in similar circumstances and who say that all of their kids' friends are in similar circumstances.

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I would agree that the problem is the parents!

I went to uni 15 years ago - and my family supported me for the first year (UK student loans aren't really enough to live on) but the condition was that it was to give me time to find my feet and to find a job!

I worked every summer and had a job for the other 4 years of my degree - my final year working 2 jobs - and it was only the final year that I had a TV - prior to that I would borrow my friends TV/VCR on the weekends when she went home and I would watch movies that I got either on sale or second hand!

After I got a job the only time my family supported me was the last month of each academic year as my loan had run out AND because of what I did for a job I didn't get work during the last month of term when students had reading week and exams and results etc!

That being said I did know students who parents paid for what ever they wanted!

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I have no justifications for the expenditures parents are paying for in the OP. However, the college kids today are paying 3X for tuition what was paid in the 70s--in inflation-adjusted dollars. When I graduated my student loan payments might have added up to a car payment. Today, in some cases they add up to rent.

I also look at the school work my middle schoolers are doing--they are 1-3 grades ahead of what my generation was doing at that age. I'm starting to think that my generation was the true slacker/whiner one. :::gulp!:::

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As far as schooling, we will offer room and board if they go to any of the good state schools within driving distance. Reasonable assistance with other things. Luxuries like cable in their own apartment? Absolutely not. We don't even have that in our house!

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For the record, I am one of those 20-somethings, and I am independent of my parents. The only financial connection I have is that I am still on the family cell phone plan. However, I pay the bill (it is just cheaper to do it that way). Of course, I am also married and have a child. I would feel strange if I was still dependent on my parents.

In my opinion, those parents don't need to be paying for the luxuries (and it will continue as long as the parents are willing). College can be hard to pay for (One reason I am at BYU--I can pay for it myself). But the cable, etc. is pretty weird. I would not want that; I would feel too dependent. I don't want my standard of living to depend on someone else.

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Big Government and television teach many parents a different way of raising kids: you ply them with stuff, so you do not have to teach them anything about life. It works great for those wanting to be cool parents, at least until it is time for them to leave the nest and they refuse to fly because they don't know how.

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I guess I am one of those parents. My son has mostly lived with me since college - and even in college I moved to his town and we got an apartment together while we both finished our degrees. I have always expected him to pay rent, which was way less than market rates. Anything else he wanted to do was on his dime, but I might 'help' with something extra, paying half for something he wanted, or advancing some money for something he was saving for so he didn't have to wait too long to get it.

It was easy because I generally did OK financially and he's an only child. Since his father died, I do look at things and say 'why should he suffer' and got what he wanted if I could. That said, he's been very good about doing stuff on his own - paying medical, phone, etc.

Now he lives with me for free while he gets the PhD. He pays $125 for food, takes care of his credit card, car, and other bills, I handle the rest of the house stuff. I hate to say it, but his getting a PhD is the most important thing in the world to me and I don't want anything coming between him and it. If it means I pay the cable bill, well, I was gonna look at cable, too.

We always talked about not being materialistic, not letting corporations decide what you buy, how much debt you get it, etc. We don't need a lot of 'stuff,' but for the stuff we want to have, if son wants a little help, I'm happy to do it if I can. And, better I see him enjoy my money while I'm here, rather than after I'm dead.

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We have a large 3 story home that we raised our children in. I do not know what we would do with the place if just my wife and I were there alone. My plan is to continue to increase our children living there responsibilities so that the wife and I will not be in any kind of a retirement or care facility. My mother has a family living with her in her home (rent free) to help take care of her and her yard.

The Traveler

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Will the third time be the charm? I've typed this out twice and lost it.

I don't think the issues are strictly an adult child problem or a parent problem. I know too many families who have adult children living at home (with and without their own children). And I hear of so very many more. I also think its more complicated than the economy, or the job market, or school. This isn't a new thing in our society either. Multi-generational homes were just the way it was done (except the children seemed more responsible in my parents and grandparents generations.). Sometimes families find themselves in this situation because of an adult child's choices and sometimes a crisis happens that is oui of everyone's control.

My two youngest children:

My 28-yo son moved home 4 years ago when he got custody of his son. We made the decision to let him move home knowing we would be supporting them financially and in other ways. I'm a grandma-Mom and when I use that term its instantly understood (which says a lot about our society today.). After four years our son is finally becoming more responsible and is contributing to the household finances. Helping with the cleaning is a different story. I do not clean his room or do his laundry!

My daughter (and her husband) moved in a year ago, for financial reasons. They have surprised me. We were very clear about the expectations and thought everyone was on the same page. Trying to get help with the cleaning and cooking is difficult. Financially they are struggling and are not contributing to the household finances. Big Sigh! My daughter reverted to age 15 when they moved home. They do not have children ... yet.

I don't know many parents who would turn away a child in need. We do our best to make the rules and set the example and do all we can to help our children be independent. Sometimes that means re-parenting. What we can't do is take away their agency. So we let them move home because there is a need and then it crumbles from there.

Five years ago I would have been the one saying the problem is parents enabling their children. Today I all I can say is "its more complicated than that. And, I don't have the solution. But I do know that it was the right thing for us to do. I don't know when it will end. It is very frustrating most of the time, especially on weekends when my husband is home and gets upset because our children aren't helping more. We do not pay for cell phones, we do not pay for cars or gas, we do not pay for movies, etc. We provide a roof, food, laundry room but not services and since I already have WiFi they have internet access on all their devices. Its getting more difficult as the price of everything keeps going up. My husband wants to turn the router off on weekends. :eek: He forgets our phone service is though the internet and so is his TV.

I know families like ours who are struggling and find it difficult, and I know a couple of families who seem to make it work out better.

I'm not sure there will be a solution to this growing problem in our society in the near future. There are too many contributing factors.

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My brother was 40, married, with 3 kids before he moved out of my parents' house. He went through med school and did not finish until he was in his late 30's and then he saved up money to build a house.

But this case is different, I think, than beefche's OP. In my brother's case, my dad has the philosophy that it is the parents' responsibility to put children through college (in the Philippines, if you don't have college accomplishments, you can't get a job - including flipping burgers at McDonald's). And he also believes that you move out of your parents' house when you can buy a house. There's no point in moving out of your parents' house if you're just going to rent. But, the dynamics of the parent-child relationship is different from what beefche is describing. The child is not entitled to anything. Everything they get from the parents are by grace. My parents provide food, clothing, shelter, education. That's it. The kids are expected to help take care of their younger siblings until they finish college and they are also expected to take care of their parents when the parents get older. You can look at it like a "retirement investment". If the kids do not meet the parents' standards even at age 40, they get kicked out of the island. That's also different from applepansy's dynamics, I think. My dad has no problem cutting the strings and watching the kid struggle if they don't tow the line. My dad's house, my mom and dad's rules. Each member of the household have their own responsibilities that contribute to the whole. It's a socialist organization. My parents now live with their children. My brother built this mansion and so my parents moved out of my sister's big house and moved into my brother's bigger house. So, the family dynamic changed to - my brother's house, my brother's and his wife's rules. My dad passed away and now my brother holds all my parents' money and my mom gets to have an allowance instead of the other way around when we were kids living in my parents' house.

It seems like, in beefche's scenario, the kids simply share in the parents' wealth with no expectations of when or what they have to contribute to the commune. But, we don't have enough information on that family dynamic to see how it all works so we really can't say.

Edited by anatess
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I think we are looking at a spectrum of problems.

I look at the OP problem and think "good grief". I look at the situations akin to dahlia's and think "that makes perfect sense."

I spent the summer living with my parents while my husband was out of my state. Now that he is back... we are living in my grandma's basement rent-free. We are not the first grandkids to do this. My grandma is filthy rich, likes the company, and my dad and aunts don't have to worry about her living alone, so it's been a great temporary situation for us and the prior grandkids to have done it. We pretty much maintain our own apartment and do other chores at my grandma's bidding.

In the current economy, I see nothing wrong with adult children living for cheap or free rent with their parents.

But I do see problems with "my adult child MUST have the best apartment/cell phone/cable provider/a zillion other toys" ESPECIALLY when the parent saying this then goes on to whine about the child's financial immaturity and mememe mindset. And I would quote vort in saying yes, that's parents these days.

I think most humans, if in a good situation, aren't going to fight to get out of it. So, if an adult child is skimping on financial sense and responsibility while mommy and daddy pay all the fun toy bills, he probably isn't going to volunteer his way out. That's where parents, if sick of the situation, really need to put their feet down.

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I certainly understand the desire and even the necessity of parents helping their children out. Being in school full time puts a diffent spin on the issue.

However, as a college student, you still have to be responsible for the money you are given (whether actual cash or tuition, etc). Where the disconnect for me is that we aren't talking about paying for living expenses (although that is certainly some of it). We are talking about paying for nearly all the expenses (and the kids have full time jobs) and paying for the frills. Seriously, cable TV? Manicures?

Why is it difficult for parents to tell their kids no?

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