Looking for Hope

[lfh2d]

I'm in a pretty good marriage. My husband is a good man. I really have no complaints. The only thing I worry about is our dating relationship was pretty stressful. We dated longer than most lds couples (2 years) but we broke up for about 2 months during that time. When we decided to begin our relationship again, it caused a lot of stress between me and my family. Long story short, I never got a resounding yes when thinking about marrying him. I often wonder if I even was getting a "stupor of thought" but was so emotionally invested that I didn't listen. I can't be sure though, because I was so emotionally stressed.

Whatever happened, I made the decision to marry him. In general we are happy, but I occasionally have anxiety and panic attacks that I didn't listen to a prompting of the spirit. I want that reassurance that we are a good couple. I want to have that "testimony" of our relationship but it's hard when I think I might have gotten a "no" answer. How do you repent from that? Get divorced? I don't think that's the answer when things are good and you've made those sacred covenants. It's especially hard when I think there was one guy that I should have married, but due to distance, never seriously dated. (I nearly cried when I saw him at my wedding reception... how horrible is that?)

So I guess I'm asking if there's anyone who's been in this same situation who's come out with their marriage intact and a testimony of their marriage?

[skippy740]

You're not looking for hope, as your thread title suggests. You need to squash your doubts.

2 Timothy 1:7

7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

This is a very different process than trying to "find hope". If you let this doubt fester, it will become the undoing of your marriage.

There's no such thing as "there was one guy that I should have married". Nope. Not now. You already HAVE him! You already made covenants with God and him. If you look back, maybe you'll turn into a pillar of salt... like Lot's wife? There is a lesson there.

You need to find emotional conflict resolution within yourself. I think the first step, is to simply decide, unequivocally, that you are in this marriage now, and there is no one else. That's the first step. Without making that decision within yourself, I think you'll find it much more difficult to have the spiritual power and blessing you need to be strong in your marriage.

[MarginOfError]

You should probably also see a therapist or counselor. Having panic attacks isn't normal, and may indicate some kind of anxiety disorder (I don't know what the rest of your life is like). But even if this is the only trigger for your panic attacks, it wouldn't help to get professional help to learn to manage them.

[yjacket]

Have faith, as long as you are faithful it all will work out in the end.

Marriage is hard work, its rewarding but challenging. Any two people who are trying to live their lives in harmony with the Gospel of Jesus Christ can make a marriage successful. In order to have a successful marriage, one must eliminate all avenues of escape. There are no outs and there are no quits. One must be fully committed. Until one completely eliminates the outs, a couple can never fully grow together.

I want that reassurance that we are a good couple. I want to have that "testimony" of our relationship but it's hard when I think I might have gotten a "no" answer.

If you were married in the temple, then you already have your answer. If you were married outside the temple but have the goal of being married in the temple then you already have your answer. If you were married outside the temple and both are striving to live good lives then you have your answer.

[Guest]

You married him, so the question is moot. Now you live up to your covenants and make it the best marriage you can make it. Soul mates are made, not born.

[beefche]

In my mind, you have your confirmation of your choice in your everyday life. By your own account, your husband is a good man, your marriage is good and you have no complaints. What more of a witness do you want?

Sometimes, answers to prayers don't come as we think they should. That burning in the bosom, flash of light, or whatever it is we are looking for just doesn't happen. But, look at your life. God has blessed you with good things--why continue to ask Him if you should look elsewhere for Him or His gifts?

[Sali]

This really isn't about your marriage, this is about your anxiety. I have anxiety too, and if I question myself in any little way it can blow a perfectly normal thought into an irrational one in a heartbeat. Your anxiety is clinging to these thoughts like a limpet to a rock. Treat the anxiety and the 'drama' surrounding these thoughts will disappear. :)

[apexviper]

I'm in a pretty good marriage. My husband is a good man. I really have no complaints. The only thing I worry about is our dating relationship was pretty stressful. We dated longer than most lds couples (2 years) but we broke up for about 2 months during that time. When we decided to begin our relationship again, it caused a lot of stress between me and my family. Long story short, I never got a resounding yes when thinking about marrying him. I often wonder if I even was getting a "stupor of thought" but was so emotionally invested that I didn't listen. I can't be sure though, because I was so emotionally stressed.

Whatever happened, I made the decision to marry him. In general we are happy, but I occasionally have anxiety and panic attacks that I didn't listen to a prompting of the spirit. I want that reassurance that we are a good couple. I want to have that "testimony" of our relationship but it's hard when I think I might have gotten a "no" answer. How do you repent from that? Get divorced? I don't think that's the answer when things are good and you've made those sacred covenants. It's especially hard when I think there was one guy that I should have married, but due to distance, never seriously dated. (I nearly cried when I saw him at my wedding reception... how horrible is that?)

So I guess I'm asking if there's anyone who's been in this same situation who's come out with their marriage intact and a testimony of their marriage?

To quote President Uchtdorf, "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith."

Do not assume you need a confirmation from the Spirit on everything. Elder Bruce R. McConkie talked about his finding of a wife. He stated that he did not pray about if the lady was right for him. He said it wasn't needful because he used all logic and reason God allowed him to have. Think about that. Elder McConkie, spiritual giant, Apostle, said there was something that he did not need to pray about.

D&C 58:26 For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no reward.

27 Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;

28 For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.

29 But he that doeth not anything until he is commanded, and receiveth a commandment with doubtful heart, and keepeth it with slothfulness, the same is damned.

There's nothing to worry about. You two are fine. That should be confirmation enough. Covenants are being lived. There's a reason Heavenly Father took the other guy out of distance.

Edited November 16, 2013 by apexviper

[Mahonri]

Get rid of your doubts and love your husband with your whole soul!

Remember, "Unreciprocated love, eventually leads to separation"

God said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments".

If you simply turn your doubts, worry and anxiety around and focus it on making him HAPPY, you will be HAPPY.

[quilter]

"Choose your love, and love your choice." I think the question is to ask yourself if you are 100% committed to your marriage and to your husband? The challenge seems to be with your thoughts about the situation and seeking confirmation from the Spirit. I wonder sometimes if the Lord says to us "Why do you keep asking!?!"

I agree with several of the other comments, when you are committed to your choice, and your behavior follows that choice, the anxiety will dissipate and you will feel peace line upon line that will increase over time.

[lfh2d]

Thank you.  These are all very helpful thoughts and advice.