Including someone with low self-esteem?


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I'm finding it very difficult to include someone with low self-esteem into my group of friends. I know that she doesn't have many friends outside of online and that she might find a good time if she'd give us all a chance. She is a big girl and sensitive about her weight but we have never done any activities that would discriminate against size. We routinely do dinner and karaoke or a movie every few weeks. We had even setup a dinner-only (no stressful karaoke) for her but she never showed up. I got a text saying to order without her and that she wasn't coming. Bummer.

All this has left me dumbfounded because she has communicated to me several times that she wishes to get together with the girls. Is this all just polite small talk and I'm wasting my time with her? I'm beginning to feel that way. I have asked her what activities she would prefer to do and she says that dinner and a movie is just fine. Is it? Because I don't think that's working out well.

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If she has anxiety issues she may very well mean to come with you when she voices that desire, it is in the future and thus the anxiety is minimal. When the day arrives anxiety peaks and she backs off. Which would mean that her intentions are honest, she's just having problems coming through rather than her just politely agreeing despite a lack of interest.

As far as what the situation actually is, talk to her about it. Tell her you are getting the feeling, since she has been agreeing to come but not showing up, that she isn't interested and that she is just trying to politely decline by tacitly agreeing to the activities and being a no-show (not very polite, but it is interesting how many people do it). Worse case scenario is she maintains interest and you just start letting her know about activities that are suitable letting her know she's invited (through something like Facebook, email, or texting) and basically just leave it at a standing invitation for when she's ready to actually come with acceptance that it may be never. If she won't give you anything to work with in making something better suited for her what else can you do?

Edited by Dravin
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I'm finding it very difficult to include someone with low self-esteem into my group of friends. I know that she doesn't have many friends outside of online and that she might find a good time if she'd give us all a chance. She is a big girl and sensitive about her weight but we have never done any activities that would discriminate against size. We routinely do dinner and karaoke or a movie every few weeks. We had even setup a dinner-only (no stressful karaoke) for her but she never showed up. I got a text saying to order without her and that she wasn't coming. Bummer.

All this has left me dumbfounded because she has communicated to me several times that she wishes to get together with the girls. Is this all just polite small talk and I'm wasting my time with her? I'm beginning to feel that way. I have asked her what activities she would prefer to do and she says that dinner and a movie is just fine. Is it? Because I don't think that's working out well.

If she's regularly turning down invites or backing out I might think its small talk.

But people's schedules DO go sideways.

LOL... I have a whole group of friends that regularly 1/3 back out of any given event at the last moment. About half the group are parents dealing with kid-issues, and the other half are in on-call jobs (doctors and students). We've BECOME a "group" purely because we're all fine with "winging it". We generally do weekly potlucks or BBQs, from x-time to y-time. (About 4 hours). People show up when they can, and leave when they have to. I remember the first time I was with a different group, and showed up a half hour late (tantrum) to both major condescension and a whole mess of cranky kids (apparently the tantrum was a "thing" that day). I'm NOT saying this is your group... Merely illustrating 2 totally different social dynamics. I faded out of group #2, because punctuality and regular attendance was a "must" for them. As its not fun for me to have to drag a miserable screaming kid with me, and then be socializing while my kid is still in tantrum mode. I'd rather sort out the tantrum, come late, with a happy kid. Or skip that night as my kid is going to need to go to bed early and stay. there. (aka in trouble).

Also, since you mentioned low self esteem, people CAN want something so badly that they freak out the first couple times.

What I've learned to do is NOT change the way we/I do things for one person.

Instead, the invitation is open/repeated, and they can come if they wish, as they wish.

In your case, that would mean not canceling karaoke.

If she only wants to come to dinner, she's welcome to skip cheering others sing. Or of dinner is problematic, to meet at karaoke.

Then, our plans aren't under pressure for them to be there & have fun (no resentment about after having bent over backwards, for naught), and they aren't either.

But then, as I've sad, Im extremely flexible socially.

Q

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Dravin gave good advice.

In addition, Just keep inviting. If she shows, she shows. If not, then enjoy the event without her. Sometimes, we unknowingly treat people as a charity case which becomes obvious which makes the other person uncomfortable to get that kind of attention because it highlights their weaknesses. It's like that movie Soul Surfer. The girl became uncomfortable with the people trying to help her by treating her different. She was more comfortable with the girl that wouldn't let up on her bee-atchness even with her losing her arm because she felt "normal" with her. Make sense?

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If she has anxiety issues she may very well mean to come with you when she voices that desire, it is in the future and thus the anxiety is minimal. When the day arrives anxiety peaks and she backs off. Which would mean that her intentions are honest, she's just having problems coming through rather than her just politely agreeing despite a lack of interest.

I believe she does have some anxiety issues as well. We continue to welcome her but I think the actuality of her ever joining us is pretty much never. I'm a really direct person (I think I'm nicer online than I am in person) and I appreciate people being direct with me.

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Also, since you mentioned low self esteem, people CAN want something so badly that they freak out the first couple times.

We have made efforts to be friendly and invite her for over two years now.

What I've learned to do is NOT change the way we/I do things for one person.

Instead, the invitation is open/repeated, and they can come if they wish, as they wish.

In your case, that would mean not canceling karaoke.

If she only wants to come to dinner, she's welcome to skip cheering others sing. Or of dinner is problematic, to meet at karaoke.

Then, our plans aren't under pressure for them to be there & have fun (no resentment about after having bent over backwards, for naught), and they aren't either.

Q

This is really a good point made.

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Sometimes, we unknowingly treat people as a charity case which becomes obvious which makes the other person uncomfortable to get that kind of attention because it highlights their weaknesses. It's like that movie Soul Surfer. The girl became uncomfortable with the people trying to help her by treating her different. She was more comfortable with the girl that wouldn't let up on her bee-atchness even with her losing her arm because she felt "normal" with her. Make sense?

Good point. I don't believe I treat her as a charity case. She is family and so I feel that some extra effort in reaching out to her is appropriate. If she were just a mere acquaintance that kept rejecting my offers, I certainly wouldn't continue to invest energy in reaching out.

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We were talking about a situation like this the other day because we know someone with social anxiety. My son used to have a hard time in social situations as he has aspergers. We asked him what made him feel more comfortable in groups and he said it when people take it slow. He said that being around a lot of people you don't know well is difficult, but if someone he knows well invites him to do something with just one other person he can handle it. Then it's just a matter of including one more person each time they go out.

Good luck! I am glad you are making an effort to include her. I am sure it's an answer to prayer. My biggest prayer when he was growing up would be that he could have real friends. It took 25 years for God to answer the prayer, but the wait was worth it.

Edited by Irishcolleen
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All this has left me dumbfounded because she has communicated to me several times that she wishes to get together with the girls. Is this all just polite small talk and I'm wasting my time with her? I'm beginning to feel that way. I have asked her what activities she would prefer to do and she says that dinner and a movie is just fine. Is it? Because I don't think that's working out well.

One thing to consider is that she really wants to go but she doesn't know how to act around your group of friends. I know it may sound weird but if she is obese and sensitive around her weight, one could understand why she chooses not to go.

On top of that, if you and your friends happen to be thin/slim, she probably feels like she is the only "big" girl in the group and makes her feel even bigger than she already feels.

Of course, there is nothing really you can do about it other than talk with her privately and make her feel appreciated.

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We were talking about a situation like this the other day because we know someone with social anxiety. My son used to have a hard time in social situations as he has aspergers. We asked him what made him feel more comfortable in groups and he said it when people take it slow. He said that being around a lot of people you don't know well is difficult, but if someone he knows well invites him to do something with just one other person he can handle it. Then it's just a matter of including one more person each time they go out.

Good luck! I am glad you are making an effort to include her. I am sure it's an answer to prayer. My biggest prayer when he was growing up would be that he could have real friends. It took 25 years for God to answer the prayer, but the wait was worth it.

does he believe in God and what not? Having AS and knowing a lot of people with it, religion is seldom practised, least by all the people I knew

methinks its how we think

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I had this very problem at one time. I was very shy and had low self-esteem. I had some very good people try to help me come out of my shell. I would tell someone I would do something and then before I left the building I was already trying to come up with an excuse not to attend. If they asked me to do something for someone I would do so as long as I could just drop it off and leave. I did not do good in large groups at all. One on one I could do, but just barely. I wanted to so bad. I just could not do it in the end. Then the guilt set in. With low self-esteem you do not have to have someone tell you that you did wrong. You know it. The people around me seemed to have it all together.

I really can not say any one thing brought me out of it. I read a lot of self-help books and inspirational stories. Somewhere in all this I realize that it had to be me that had to make the change. No one else could. I went back to Church after over 10 years being less active. A very wise president called me to the Nursery Class. Working with those "little ones" helped me. Those basic concepts of self worth that I taught helped me build my own self esteem.

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