Financially irresponsible spouse


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Much wailing and gnashing of teeth today over changing my online passwords so she can't access our bank accounts. I gave her $200 cash yesterday. She demands full access to our accts. I will figure out some kind of plan to put money In her acct, but I'm working a 14 hr shift today followed by 6 hours off and then back for another 18 hr double shift on Monday. There is no way I'm going to give her access to our main accts again. I can't keep getting burned. But she is VERY angry about taking away her access. We have a counseling session set up in 10 days.

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Much wailing and gnashing of teeth today over changing my online passwords so she can't access our bank accounts. I gave her $200 cash yesterday. She demands full access to our accts. I will figure out some kind of plan to put money In her acct, but I'm working a 14 hr shift today followed by 6 hours off and then back for another 18 hr double shift on Monday. There is no way I'm going to give her access to our main accts again. I can't keep getting burned. But she is VERY angry about taking away her access. We have a counseling session set up in 10 days.

I bet those 10 days sound like forever. Keep it up. Praying for your family. :)

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Something to keep in mind over the next 2 weeks until you two are on the same page.

- Taken out of context (shopping addict, recent relapse, 2k in 3 weeks)... Cutting one's spouse off IS considered abusive & controlling.

((Most abusive spouses cut off their victims from financial access, much less equity. My own ex cut me off after he smashed our son into a wall, and I tried to leave. He later smashed my head into the floor, fracturing it.))

As such... She may well be recieving advice from others to

A) walk into the banks w ID, drain your accounts, leave & go to a shelter

B ) file an order of protection against you

C) File for emergency spousal & child support

IN context, it's the right thing to be doing... But do make sure (as these things often come to a head over holidays, particularly physical violence within a marriage)... That your ducks are in a row (showing known history of shopping addiction), along with a safety-net (a bank account held seperate that she's unaware of, as in many states -not sure about yours- a spouse is legally able to gain access to any account of the marriage whether they're on the account or not).

Sorry to be Debbie Downer this morning,

Q

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Much wailing and gnashing of teeth today over changing my online passwords so she can't access our bank accounts. I gave her $200 cash yesterday. She demands full access to our accts. I will figure out some kind of plan to put money In her acct, but I'm working a 14 hr shift today followed by 6 hours off and then back for another 18 hr double shift on Monday. There is no way I'm going to give her access to our main accts again. I can't keep getting burned. But she is VERY angry about taking away her access. We have a counseling session set up in 10 days.

Mudfisher... stay the course. You are doing the right thing.

I have a problem too. No, not spending - although I'm terrible with money so my husband does the finances in my house, but it's not like I just blow $1,900 for no reason... it's usually because I thought I had $1,900 to spend so all my husband does is set up the budget and I can see exactly how much money I can spend so I stay within those boundaries. My problem is worse than your wife's, I think (but then, I always think my problems are worse than everybody else's, eek!). I have rage issues... that is, I have 2 modes - not angry, very angry. No in-between. Not angry means, I'm just peachy or maybe I'm upset but it's okay because it doesn't bother me much. Very angry means I'm throwing plates at my husband and screaming my head off.

What my husband does when I get crazy is stand there like a rock. Immovable. I scream at him, throw plates at him, I even try to hurt myself. He stands there - he doesn't walk away, he doesn't scream back, he's basically just a rock facing the storm. He stays there to make sure I don't hurt myself or anybody else. He knows with certainty that he is not in the wrong, I am. So he rides out the storm until I come back to my senses. He doesn't point out how wrong I am because it would just give me fuel to keep lashing out. He knows I know I'm wrong. And that eventually when the storm passes, I will realize it and be ready to accept it and that's when he talks about it. When everything is calm. He does not engage in arguments, fights, anything, when I'm "hot". He just stands there and waits until everything is calm again. This might be the next day or a few days later. But eventually, I go back to normal and that's when he talks about what just happened.

This might be something that will work for you too.

GO BACK TO SQUARE ONE. Take out her access to your family finances. Give her her own bank account and give her an allowance. That's it. FOREVER. Do not give her any way to access your family money even if it means you have to pay the bills. My husband does all our finances in my house too because I'm an idiot when it comes to money. This is not about trust. This is about RESPONSIBILITY. Then you can suggest that she go find a job while you take care of the kids. So you can have your quality time with the kids while she goes and learn financial responsibility. Have her pay off the credit cards with her income and then she gets to keep all her money left over to spend however she wishes.

AN IMPORTANT aspect to this: Print out your budget and put it up on a prominent wall in your house. Make sure she sees where all your money is going up to the LAST PENNY. This means, she has to see where all your money is going. It doesn't matter if the money came from craigslist sales. You get to decide where it goes but it has to be very visible on that wall. Yes, you get to decide where the money goes. But that's just because you are better with money than she is. But, she needs to see where it is all going. And whatever "spend on anything" money she gets, you get the same amount too. You can always spend yours on paying off something but at least, she sees that both of you gets an allowance in the family budget and that there are very clear boundaries.

Oh yeah... FAMILY BUDGET is a very important aspect of the financial health of your marriage. If you don't have one, now is the time to make one. If you already have one, it's good to review it to make sure you got all your priorities correct and ask her to make suggestions on changes to it... but you still get to have final say. Also, if you have a goal - like paying off credit card debt - that this goal is tracked in that budget so you both see progress and then you can set up a reward system - if we pay off this credit card, you get $300 to buy a new office desk with, or something like that. DO ALL THIS RESPECTFULLY. Don't get dragged into arguments over it especially blame games and that kind of stuff. BE A ROCK.

YOU CAN DO THIS!

By the way, my husband and I didn't go to a counsellor. We did everything ourselves but my husband is a very very strong person. And I love him very very much with all of my being. So, that helped us a lot. So everything I say here may not be "counsellor approved". It's just what worked for us.

Edited by anatess
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As such... She may well be recieving advice from others to

A) walk into the banks w ID, drain your accounts, leave & go to a shelter

B ) file an order of protection against you

C) File for emergency spousal & child support

Replace shelter with parents, and you nailed it.

But no worries, spousal and child support are of finite duration and finite amount. And they will impute her income at 40/hrs a week minimum wage when it's calculated. So the court will expect her to earn that much, which is actually more than you expect from her. Also they won't consider your second job or any overtime for the support calculations.

And chances are she will remarry before you pay much alimony. Unless she's ugly, then you might pay longer.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I find this thread particularly interesting as I was once married to a shopping addict. The woman I was married to would involve her parents in the mess. Once, when I pointed out that we could spend NO MORE money for the next 4 days as the mortgage was due before my paycheck, she told her mother I had denied her the ability to buy new towels for the kitchen. The manipulation was so bad that it finally destroyed our marriage, although you can be sure it was always my fault for being so controlling with money.:rolleyes: $80,000 of debt paid off and 5 years later, I found an awesome woman who hates to shop, has her own career, and is simply amazing in all other facets.

To the OP: it's not worth your emotional, physical, and financial health. She will not change. She will continue to abuse your trust and your love. When you leave is up to your judgement, but I believe you will eventually find it necessary to protect yourself. Document everything, show her financial infidelity, and use it in court to protect yourself when the time comes.

Finally, some members answer this post with the urge to be compassionate, forgiving, and Christ-like, whereas those same members will walk away from a husband who views pornography. I have read posts where some women are taking the children and walking out with ZERO chance of reconciliation. It is quite the double standard! Sure, pornography addiction is dangerous to the family and marriage, but to treat it on a different level of severity than financial addiction is simply absurd. It is similar to Molly Mormon pointing out how her neighbor drinking Coke is breaking the Word Of Wisdom while she sips on her hot chocolate and eats a slice of chocolate cake. Both contain caffeine! But I digress...

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  • 2 weeks later...
I find this thread particularly interesting as I was once married to a shopping addict. The woman I was married to would involve her parents in the mess. Once, when I pointed out that we could spend NO MORE money for the next 4 days as the mortgage was due before my paycheck, she told her mother I had denied her the ability to buy new towels for the kitchen. The manipulation was so bad that it finally destroyed our marriage, although you can be sure it was always my fault for being so controlling with money.:rolleyes: $80,000 of debt paid off and 5 years later, I found an awesome woman who hates to shop, has her own career, and is simply amazing in all other facets.

To the OP: it's not worth your emotional, physical, and financial health. She will not change. She will continue to abuse your trust and your love. When you leave is up to your judgement, but I believe you will eventually find it necessary to protect yourself. Document everything, show her financial infidelity, and use it in court to protect yourself when the time comes.

Finally, some members answer this post with the urge to be compassionate, forgiving, and Christ-like, whereas those same members will walk away from a husband who views pornography. I have read posts where some women are taking the children and walking out with ZERO chance of reconciliation. It is quite the double standard! Sure, pornography addiction is dangerous to the family and marriage, but to treat it on a different level of severity than financial addiction is simply absurd. It is similar to Molly Mormon pointing out how her neighbor drinking Coke is breaking the Word Of Wisdom while she sips on her hot chocolate and eats a slice of chocolate cake. Both contain caffeine! But I digress...

I think this above post is absolutely correct. "Men are that they might have joy" - this situation does not sound like one of joy! It would be different if she was trying to change but making mistakes, showing humility, repentance, etc. This does not seem to be the case.

All the signs indicate you will be happier without this burden, so I suggest you accept she will not change and act accordingly. Of course you should pray about it also to know for yourself what is correct - but to me this seems like a situation that will persist if allowed. Mistakes/weaknesses can be tolerated (we all have them) but it requires that a person is humble and working on them. If not, then "cutting bait" is the best option.

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I'm a little late to this discussion ...

In most states, the "community property laws" also apply to bank account & debit cards even if they are separate; however, if in you state having separate accounts excludes those funds from the community property claims then you do have an option filing a police report for the unauthorized use of you debit card & the unauthorized accessing of you account online.

If she signed your name for the debit card purchases, then that is forgery & does violate the law even if you are married.

Yes, criminal charges will likely ensue.

Sometimes (read that as almost always) people with serious addictions must reach rock bottom, where they have nothing & see & understand they will always have nothing if they do not make changes .... then they begin to seek to change their behavior.

It is a very drastic step to take & could end in divorce; however, sometimes love is tough & sometimes we have to take the difficult steps to help those we love most.

If she did not have your income to spend, the question I would ask & my greatest concern would be, how would she support her addiction. Simply taking away her access to money is not going to stop the actions, she will likely find other ways to support her addiction (& based on her unauthorized use of your account they would likely be illegal ways).

So perhaps your filing criminal charges if your state does deem separate bank accounts as "non-community property", or if she is signing your name, will prevent her from taking a path that will lead to even more heart ache & potentially even more problems.

Edited by Sharky
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