just looking for some advice

[charlet]

my son is 27 years old. he has a wife and 2 children. He doesn't work. He has never worked. He just finished high school and is starting at the local college. His wife works, but just had a baby. i pay all his bills. Every month I say no more. Every time he calls I solve his problem. I can't seem to stop. It is easier to pay the bill then it is to listen to him carry on and argue. I work really hard for my money but I never get to use it. How do I make it end? How do I stop the cycle?

I am very willing to listen.

[estradling75]

People (aka your son) do what works for them... Right now asking you for money works... So he is going to keep doing it. He has no reason to change or get better.

You need to cut him off. Tell that he need to grow up and be a man and take responsibly for his family. To help him with this let him know that the ATM of Mom is now closed. And that you will no longer listen to his request for money.

Then comes the hard part for you... Enforce it (this is where you have repeatedly failed your son). You need to suck it up, and apply some tough love, to begin correcting the bad habits you allowed your son to develop.

[M_T_E]

Depending on how aggressive he is pressuring you for money either slowly wean him from the cash flow and make it known he has a three month deadline before the money stops coming or just do an immediate no I am not helping good luck kind of move.

[Guest]

Hang up the phone.

[Backroads]

If you're having such trouble saying no, get someone to hound you.

[bytebear]

If he's going to college, use the money as incentive. Give him money according to his grades. If he drops out, no more money. If you stick with it then he will stick with it, but use the carrot more than the stick.

[person122]

my son is 27 years old. he has a wife and 2 children. He doesn't work. He has never worked. He just finished high school and is starting at the local college. His wife works, but just had a baby. i pay all his bills. Every month I say no more. Every time he calls I solve his problem. I can't seem to stop. It is easier to pay the bill then it is to listen to him carry on and argue. I work really hard for my money but I never get to use it. How do I make it end? How do I stop the cycle?

I am very willing to listen.

There are some factors.

Are you experiencing guilt for anything related to him? Bad childhood, abandonment by someone, I should have done more, and such? Only you know.

He just finished high school. Is he the problem child? The one you have to save? The one you feel sorry for?

You might be getting emotional pay-off when you help him. I have read a relationship book by John Gray "Venus on Fire, Mars on Ice". Very informative about how a woman (I am assuming you are a woman because of your name) builds Oxytocin (feel good hormone in women). We women get an oxytocin boost by nuturing. We woman do things, get oxytocin pay-off and may not even realize it.

It is scary to let your child fail when there grandkids in the mix.

You are too close to the situation and too emotionally invested to see clearly. That can make it hard.

I have to stop...the list could go on and on. You need to find out what is going on with you. His path is not going to be the same as yours. It never was going to be. He might not ever be as successful as you. He has his own path. You just don't remember because of the veil. If he fails sometimes, that will be ok. This life is for him to learn. Nobody learns the same way. Remember the bad plan? Nobody would fail.

If you want more suggestions for why you might be doing this, I could give you more. You are not alone. A lot of parents do this thing with their kids all the time.

[applepansy]

Its hard to say no when a child might suffer the consequences. I know... I've been trying to drop my 28yo son on his head for 4 years and still catch the grandson (who is now 5-1/2). They live with us and I'm Grandma/Mom. Co-parenting with my child has been interesting but that's a subject for another thread.

We've made progress. A lot this past year. We never provided anything but a roof and food (at home) for our son. But we have taken care of all the needs for our grandson. This past year our son has started paying for more and more. He now has a job which has insurance for them both. And he's starting giving me money every month. (holding my breath)

Its not over and its a hard to hold the line. But its worth it.

Decide what you are willing to do and then don't do more. I would tell your DIL that you will pay for groceries or for something the baby needs (then pay the store), but tell your son the cash stops NOW. Call him before he calls and whines. Be firm. He will test you. Whatever you do, do not ever give him Cash or deposit money in his bank account.

In the last four years we have not given our son money. Not one cent. Its been difficult at times. But its been worth it.

Now if I could just get him to do some household chores more than once in a blue moon. When I figure that out I'll work on my daughter and her husband. Again...no cash. Just a roof and food at home. They all have jobs.... that's a requirement to live under my roof.

[mirkwood]

You are enabling his irresponsible behavior. He is 27, quit doing everything for him. You giving him $$$ amounts to doing everything for him. Stop and make him grow up.

[Roseslipper]

why are u supporting your son and his wife and children? why has he never worked????He needs to grow up and take responsiblity...or does he have a medical reason???

[Backroads]

What are his usual arguments? Prepare a response before he calls. And be firm on those responses.

Though, it is your money. You really don't need to give him a reason for less/no money.

[dahlia]

People may laugh at Dr Phil, but he's said something that I always keep in mind when people complain and yet won't change - What are you getting from what you're doing?

Think about yourself for a minute and not your son. What do you get by supporting this mooch? Peace and quiet (he stops complaining once you give him the money)? Is the quiet worth not having any money of your own? Do you get some sense of satisfaction that you are the one supporting him? That you are still his mommy, even though he's married with a child?

Think about what you get from the relationship as it stands. If you decide you want what you get, fine, support him all you want. If you really don't want what you're getting, then change. Hang up the phone, change your number, don't give in to his begging and wailing, etc. In time, he'll learn he can't get anything from you.

I've heard people rationalize their actions because it's for the 'the grandchild.' Pffht! But, if that's what you think you need to do, just buy baby food or baby stuff, you don't have to give your son any money.

I have had members of my family curse me out on the phone, leave nasty messages, and do all kinds of stuff because I have stopped being their bank. It's bothersome at first, but then one becomes used to the beautiful silence of people leaving you the heck alone.

[Quin]

Another couple quotes (I'm not a Phil-Fan, but love Dahlia's quote above!) I like an awful lot are

"When is a problem a problem? When it's a problem!" &

"I skipped school the day they taught mind reading."

Meaning something that may work VERY well, may one day become a problem (or be a problem from day 1, but no one else knows that). &

Just because YOU know/feel/think something... Doesn't mean others do.

Both of which boil down to talking with your son.

Ideally NOT when he's asking for money... But during a neutral time.

Call him up for lunch, or whatever, and sit him down and explain that helping out financially is something that has become a problem for you and you're going to have to (stop, taper off, limit, cap, whatever you feel comfortable doing).

Now... Unless there's a sudden emergency... I would personally give him some time to adjust, instead of just cutting him off with no warning. ESP right before the holidays. But, obviously, this is up to you. Cutting off abruptly will probably put them in a bind which will cause a lot of unnecessary (IMHO) friction. Leaving it open ended, however (until you get a job) can cause a lot of unnecessary resentment (he may be planning on being a SAHD, let them figure out their own finances instead of directing him in how they should manage their household on HIS side, and on yours... People are often actively seeking employment in this economy for 1-2 YEARS. If you'll implode after 3 months, don't give him an open ended deadline.

Also... Just a thing to consider... I don't know how much money you're talking. I have friends who get a 25k per month income from their parents (who make millions, blare working hard for that money, while their kids are loving off of generous allowances not working, or not working for pay but working pro bono, or working in a money free industry: art, typically). I have other friends whose parents are struggling to give them $250 a month (but still do).

((Also people in reverse, who are taking care of their parents, or whose entire family is self sufficient with no money going in either direction. I add these caveats, as there is NO "right" way to handle family monies. Every family has their own way.))

If you're sitting on millions, and are sick of funding your adult children's lives... Be prepared for there to be a LOT more resentment about being cut off than if you're struggling, yourself. In fact. If you're sitting on millions my recommendation is NOT to cut them off... But to set up a trust fund so that you're no longer the middle man.

If you, yourself are struggling, but still want to help out... Just not financially... Think about the inks you might enjoy doing with/for them that do NOT cause you this kind of resentment. A monthly sleepover with Gran, or zoo memberships for the kids that you can get for crew through your work, or a weekly brunch (cheap), et cetera.

All problems have solutions.

But some solutions hurt more than others.

Q

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[rameumptom]

Time to make a contract with him. If you pay the bills, then your rules are followed. Why? Because he is not being the adult if you are paying his bills.

OR, you pay his bills with the understanding that it is a loan, and you give him a date to have it all paid back. With interest.

[Traveler]

my son is 27 years old. he has a wife and 2 children. He doesn't work. He has never worked. He just finished high school and is starting at the local college. His wife works, but just had a baby. i pay all his bills. Every month I say no more. Every time he calls I solve his problem. I can't seem to stop. It is easier to pay the bill then it is to listen to him carry on and argue. I work really hard for my money but I never get to use it. How do I make it end? How do I stop the cycle?

I am very willing to listen.

I will tell you how my father dealt with me - many years ago when I looked to him for help. Please understand that my father was very wealthy - even until his passing. When I asked him for help - he gladly agreed but also explained that in his experience it was not the lack of money but how it was spent that was really the problem. Therefore he agreed to help me by determining what I should be spending the money on that I got from him and every other source of income. He said bring me your bills and all your money and I will pay what I think is necessary - we will work together and I ill determine where your budget is exorbitant and where it may need extra. When all your money is gone I will provide every cent necessary to sustain your family.

In essence he was taking all freedom away from me concerning my finances and putting me totally under his control - I would not have one cent left to my own discretion - including any money me or my wife had earned - it all had to be turned over to him to solve the problem. He promised that he would get me through my financial difficulties and teach me to be responsible enough that I would never have to ever ask again for financial help. I determined that I could figure it out on my own - and not only did I figure it out - I also discovered that it is much easier than I imagined at the time.

The Traveler

Edited November 25, 2013 by Traveler

[Guest]

He's 27 and he just finished high school? What has he been doing the past 10 years? Does he have a learning disability?

[person122]

If you give him money, don't make it a loan. Causes bad blood because you probably won't get it back. I've seen that a bunch of times. Don't co-sign for anything either. You'll end up paying the payments.

[mdfxdb]

he is 27, has a wife and 2 children. He has made adult decisions. Treat him as an adult. Stop the $ now.

[dahlia]

he gladly agreed but also explained that in his experience it was not the lack of money but how it was spent that was really the problem. Therefore he agreed to help me by determining what I should be spending the money on ...

In essence he was taking all freedom away from me concerning my finances and putting me totally under his control ... I determined that I could figure it out on my own - and not only did I figure it out - I also discovered that it is much easier than I imagined at the time.

I have tried something similar. Just the offer of 'let me handle your money' or telling them 'if I lend you the money, I pay the bills and I know everything the money is going for' was enough to get them to back down and find another way to deal with the crisis.