Asking a girl out

[toughdee]

I'm a recently returned missionary attending a singles ward. I honestly am a pretty shy guy. I'm good at being friends with people, as in I can get along with pretty much anyone and I can RELATE to them as well. My problem is the MAKING friends. Once I'm in a situation where I have to make friends, I am good at it (like on my mission for example I got along with the other elders great and made great friends with them) but I'm not good at innitiating it myself. The same is true with dating. I actually haven't been on a date since getting home 2 months ago. There's a girl in my ward I might like to ask out, but I've never actually talked to her. I'm a decent looking guy, I can be nice, I have a strong testimony... I'm just not very good with conversation with people I don't know. I'm looking for some advice to get a date. Especially from a mormon point of view. I can find stuff online, but it is usually talking about things like clubs, alchohol, etc. I realize there is no one fix ll solution, but just some tips. Thanks.

[Praetorian_Brow]

Didn't the missionary field teach you about rejection? Believe me, its better to ask, get rejected than to live with regret that you missed an opportunity. I would know, as even with military training, I didn't ask and inevitably, the woman who I eyed, went with someone who did ask. Icing on the cake is that some of them wanted me to ask them.

Chances are, the woman is eyeing you too, but more shy than you are and determined to believe its the man's job to initiate conversation. Believe it or not, its better to be yourself when asking out, as in forget about all the nervous stuff and just....be yourself.

[rameumptom]

Do the "Set a Date" program with yourself. Set a date by when you are going to talk to the girl and ask her out. Make it a simple and safe thing for both of you. If you both are shy, do a double date or group date with some friends, which gives you the opportunity to be with her to get to know her, without the awkwardness of nothing to say or do.

[Guest Doctrine]

I would say, don't shot gun her with " will you go out with me" that might freak her out. But talk to her for a bit get to know her a little then in the middle of the conversation say you know it been nice talking with you how would you like to talk some more over dinner.

Or something like that.

I met my wife at a dance we started talking for a while, mostly about scriptures because were just that nerdy and awesome, then it was getting time to leave so I used my best pick up line," so you want to get together and discuss the scriptures some time" she said yes and the rest is history. Also it helped that she just got home from her mission a few months earlier.

Don't worry you'll be fine. To be young again and to have all that crazy emotions going thru you how wonderful.

[Roseslipper]

I say just do it!!! Walk up to her with courage and hope inside you. You can go to a firesite as a date then go out for desert make it simple and sweet, or go to a movie you dont have to talk much,depending where u live you can go ice skating if u both know how haha or go bowling fun things. I wish u a great date, let us know what u did, it wont be as bad as u thought im sure. Where did u go on your missions???

see u can also talk about that. You have more to talk about then u think .its just that your nervous remember she is too.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Roseslipper

[pam]

Didn't the missionary field teach you about rejection? Believe me, its better to ask, get rejected than to live with regret that you missed an opportunity. I would know, as even with military training, I didn't ask and inevitably, the woman who I eyed, went with someone who did ask. Icing on the cake is that some of them wanted me to ask them.

Chances are, the woman is eyeing you too, but more shy than you are and determined to believe its the man's job to initiate conversation. Believe it or not, its better to be yourself when asking out, as in forget about all the nervous stuff and just....be yourself.

Rejection out in the mission field is quite different than being rejected by a girl that you really like.

[Praetorian_Brow]

Same results, disappointment. Learning to walk past rejection is the point, regardless of who it comes from. Even if it is a lifelong crush, it doesn't change the dynamics of rejection by stating its a girl he really likes.

[Dravin]

Same results, disappointment. Learning to walk past rejection is the point, regardless of who it comes from.

This is like saying: Being attacked by a rabid bear and being attacked by a house cat have the same results, injury. It may be true, but it's inane.

Even if it is a lifelong crush, it doesn't change the dynamics of rejection by stating its a girl he really likes.

Rejection in the mission field is a rejection of the message you bear, which is a different dynamic than being rejected as a potential dating partner on perceived personality and looks.

Edited December 9, 2013 by Dravin

[Quin]

Ahhhhh....but how can you know if you really like someone if you haven't even talked with them, yet?

Until you talk with them it's all fantasy & or artful appreciation of form (cough).

Nothing to lose by asking them out... EVERYTHING to lose by loving in fantasy-land. Either the fantasy is better than the reality, or the reality gets snatched up by someone else.

Just insert the word "Wanna" and go for it!

As in "Wanna go ___________ with me?" Or "I was thinking of going to _______, wanna come?"

Hint: fill in that blank with something you actually enjoy doing.

If you hate sitting in cafes, don't ask her for hot chocolate.

[Quin]

I should probably add...

Not sure about the Canuks, but down here in the military, everyone dates everyone else.

There's something of a lively freedom involved with asking out enough people that being turned down ISN'T disappointing, anymore. It's just a shrug, smile, and 'another time!

Because you're not pinning all your hopes on one person, there's a LOT less pressure.

Less pressure seems to equal more success.

"Scared money don't make money," kind of thing.

To wit,.. I'm not shy at all (anymore, I was before serving) so I can't even count the number of times I've gone up to some guy and said "Im not shy, but my girlfriend is, and while this is very Jr. high, if you felt like coming over... She'd love to meet you! No worries either way. She's the cute brunette Im walking back to."

Q

[Guest]

Do what you're comfortable with and good at. Be her friend. Date later.

[toughdee]

Thanks everyone. It seems like I just need to be confident and take a chance not really worrying about what happens. I just need to figure out how to start a conversation with her. That's more the problem in general.

[skippy740]

Just don't do it this way:

[Guest Doctrine]

Do what you're comfortable with and good at. Be her friend. Date later.

Just be carful you don't end up in the friend zone.

[Vort]

Friend Zone: Where you don't score.

[mnn727]

. I'm just not very good with conversation with people I don't know. .

and you were a missionary?

Just ask her (would you like to go to a movie? would you like to grab a bite to eat? would you like to go to the fireside with me? would you like to..... whatever?)

Whats the worst thing that could happen? that she says 'no'? did that ever happen when you asked someone if they'd like to learn more about the gospel?

[Dravin]

and you were a missionary?

Not all missionaries are very good at conversation with people they don't know. A faithful missionary will do his best of course, but that doesn't mean he's particularly skilled at it. Also there is scripture about being given what to say when sharing the gospel, I'm not familiar with an analogous one for small talk and asking for dates.

Edited December 11, 2013 by Dravin

[toughdee]

and you were a missionary?

I think it's a little different being able to carry on small talk and doing one's best to share the gospel. In lessons and on the street I was pretty good at keeping conversations moving, but even on my mission I had a hard time talking to memers and the like about random things with no significance.

I'm not a social cripple, I just don't really know how to break the ice with dating.

[sarahbn]

Cheesy Mormon Pick-up Lines

[Lakumi]

Just be carful you don't end up in the friend zone.

girls always love to say that, I have never gotten a date from any of my "friends" they'd be repulsed if I asked them out (and have told me so, just out of the blue-seems nowadays a lot of young women see the men in their friendzone as utter trash, worthy only to be the host to their vampiric needs)

and people like that are vampires! taking and never giving back.

That's not friendship, though the term can be confusing.

I always have a simple solution for the friend zone, just never speak to her again.

There won't be any fun times, she's not really you're friend (since there is a difference between friendship and friend zone) and its just agonizing for you.

[ACommonMan]

You have two basic choices.

1. Do nothing and stay lonely

2. Ask her out and accept rejection as one of her rights to apply her agency

I would suggest asking her out for a pre-planned event. Don't stumble over the where's and when. Say, "Hey, there's a _______ coming up next week, would you like to go with me?" If she says that day doesn't work, then let her know that you'll keep her in mind for another event. You can give yourself a couple of brief conversations to casually search out a common interest. Spending more time than that and the friend zone becomes a potential issue, and that can be painful as you hear about her bad dates with other guys.

Remember there is no such thing as a soul mate. (Is there such a thing as “soul mates� - New Era Nov. 2013 - new-era) President Kimball said, "...it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price." (Eternal Marriage Student Manual Mate Selection)

It doesn't matter how badly you screw up this particular opportunity. There is always someone with whom you can have a happy and successful marriage. So, don't put too much pressure on getting it exactly right the first time. Ironically, removing that pressure from yourself is the number one factor in getting her to say yes.