Just A Little Bit Of Humor

[Dr T]

Those are great! Thanks again Pammy

[susieSA]

He he he...

Those were sooooo cute & excellent at the same time Pam :)

[Elphaba]

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Elphie

[pam]

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of now US Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation. The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the 'Hillary' postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.

*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.

*People were just spitting on the wrong side.

[Josie]

LOL@Pam

[pam]

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his... name. Amen" Kids in Church, 3 year old Reese

[Alaskagain]

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his... name. Amen" Kids in Church, 3 year old Reese

Oh. I thought Harold was just an angel. . .

"Hark! the Harold angel sing. . ."

[susieSA]

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his... name. Amen" Kids in Church, 3 year old Reese

[chachy]

<div class='quotemain'>

Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his... name. Amen" Kids in Church, 3 year old Reese

Continuing on that theme...

"And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets" 4YO Jimmy

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys

began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the

opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his

younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their

six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I

wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mummy

say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why

on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

[siouxz72]

I've got a good one for you all... When my daughter was 4 years old we were driving by a monster church that had 3 giant crosses out in front of it. She asked me why that buiding had all those T's our front and then answered her own question by saying...oh! It must be a turch! ... I had to pull over the car.

[chachy]

Oh the wonderful things children say...my daughter once changed the lyrics of the institutional British song, "Rule Britannia", she was wandering around the house warbling, "RULE LASAGNE, LASAGNE RULES THE WAVES, BIG PONDS NEVER EVER WILL BE SLAVES"

At least she know the tune I guess

[pam]

Several years ago when one of my boys was about 5 years old, we were traveling through Arizona. He was commenting on all the cactus that could be seen everywhere we looked. We then passed a little memorial that had been placed alongside the road. He asked about that. I explained that someone must have died right there and that was the families way of remembering. After several moments...he then said "That person must have been killed by a cactus." It took me several minutes to recover.

[steve354]

'' My wife will probably live forever.

She has nothing but dresses she wouldn't be caught dead in"

"As the missionary said when the cannibals put him in the pot,

'At least they'll get a taste of religion"

Two Mormon missionaries in dark suits on bikes recently were left motionless and spleechless when two scantily clad females joggers passed them at Sego lilly Lane and 1300 East in Sandy.

In fact, they didn't notice a Sandy City police car behind them, untill the officer advised over his loudspeaker, "Think of a hymn, elders".

[susieSA]

[pam]

'' My wife will probably live forever.

She has nothing but dresses she wouldn't be caught dead in"

"As the missionary said when the cannibals put him in the pot,

'At least they'll get a taste of religion"

Two Mormon missionaries in dark suits on bikes recently were left motionless and spleechless when two scantily clad females joggers passed them at Sego lilly Lane and 1300 East in Sandy.

In fact, they didn't notice a Sandy City police car behind them, untill the officer advised over his loudspeaker, "Think of a hymn, elders".

Funny to read a joke and know exactly where the streets are that are mentioned in that joke.

[steve354]

So, God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. God said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" And God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "So, what could I get for a rib?"

And, the rest is history.

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

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A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

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(Adam) "God, I have two questions concerning my wife, Eve. First, why did you make her so beautiful?

(God) "I made her beautiful so you would be attracted to her"

(Adam) "Why did you make her so stupid?"

(God) "So she would be attracted to you"

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Sacrament meeting was about to begin and a mother couldn't find her son. She searched everywhere and finally located him sitting outside on the curb with his head in his hands. She said, "Son, we have to go in now. Sacrament is about to start."

He responds, "I can't go in there, Mom. Nobody likes me. No one will talk to me." She says "But son, you have to go back in....

You're the Bishop

[pushka]

Lol Steve! I like those! :)

[steve354]

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"

"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"

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The Pope is sitting in his office and his secretary enters his office and says: "Um, sir I have a phone call here for you. It appears to be some good news and some bad news." "Well whats the good news?", asked the Pope. "The good news is it's Jesus Christ on the line." "Thats great! Whats the bad news?" "He's calling from Salt Lake City."

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Two elders were tracting in deepest Africa when they came across a large lion. The elders began to run. The slower of the two realized that he would not be able to out run the lion, he droped to his knees and prayed for heavenly father to convert the lion. When he open his eyes he saw the lion on his knees also and heard him say Father in heaven please bless this food I am about to consume.

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An LDS missionary was an enthusiastic but not very capable cook. One day his companion saw that he was close to tears. " Elder, what's wrong? Did you get a 'Dear John' today?" Worse! I made a meatloaf for our dinner, but our landlady's cat ate it.!" "Don't take it so hard, elder. We'll buy her another cat."

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How can you tell the difference between an IBM salesman and a Mormon missionary? You can't!

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What happens when you get ex-communicated? You get a 10% raise and another day off!

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You might be a Mormon if:

Your idea of a good time is playing pictionary in the cultural hall

Your relatives make up more than half of your town

Your idea of a wild party is a six pack of pepsi and a PG-13 movie

You and all of your friends come to your mom for a haircut in her kitchen

You know a high priest isn't a priest on dope

If you think baptizm for the dead is a flooded graveyard, you might not be a mormon

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What is a Jack Mormon? A Seagull that won't eat crickets.

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Have you heard why all the pictures of Book of Mormon prophets always depict them with large arms? It's from scripture chasing with the brass plates.

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How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb? It depends!

If it is the Relief Society it take four.

One to fix refreshments.

One to bring the tablecloth.

One to design the Center Piece,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Bishopric, forget it, they don't do light bulbs.

They call a Priesthood Executive Council And delegate it to the Elders.

If it is the Elders it takes four.

Three that don't show up, and One to change the bulb.

If it is the High Priests it take five.

Two to push the wheel chairs.

One to handle the oxygen tank,

One that falls asleep,

And one to screw in the light bulb.

If it is the Home Teachers, it only takes two,

But you have to wait until the end of the month.

If it is the Aaronic Priesthood, it only takes one.

He holds the light bulb in the socket And the whole world revolves around him.

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Joe: My home teacher is so good he comes on the first day of every month!

Henry: Oh Yeah? My home teacher is so good he comes the day before that!

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Why did God create woman? Because he looked at Adam and said: "Oh, I can do better than that!"

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Do you know why God created Adam first? He didn't want any advice on how to do it.

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An Agnostic and an Atheists were married and had a real moral problem on their hands. You see, they couldn't decide which religion not to raise their children in.

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A true story: It was a hot afternoon when the air conditioning went out in the Tabernacle during General Conference. President Hinckley stood up to address the sweating congregation and said, "It's warm. We're sorry. But it's not as warm as it's going to get if you don't repent!"

Contributed by President Gordon B. Hinckley

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The Top Ten Ways the Bible Would Have Been Different If Written by College Students:

10). Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips

9). Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.

8). Forbidden fruit would have been eaten only because it wasn't dining hall food.

7). Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.

6). Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.

5). The place where the end of the world occurs.... not the Plains of Armageddon, but Finals.

4). Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.

3). Reason why Moses and followers wandered in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.

2). Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.

1). Instead of creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, God would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

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My thanks to the First Presidency for this opportunity during which, as you can see, the lights combine with my cranium to bring some different "illumination" to this pulpit.

Contributed by the now bald Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

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Bride on her wedding day: Mom, I'm at the end of all my troubles!

Mother: Yes, but at which end?

Contributed by Elder Bruce C. Hafen of the Quorum of the Seventy during General Conference on 10/5/96.

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On the high expectations placed on mothers. One young mother "felt like the world expected her to teach her children reading, writing, interior design, Latin, calculus, and the Internet--all before the baby said something terribly ordinary, like 'goo goo.'"

Contributed by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles during General Conference on 4/5/97

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In the car on the way home from Sunday School, we were quizing our four year old son, Jonathan, about the lessons of the day. "We had a great lesson today", he said. "It was about two thousand 'stricken lawyers."

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A large family drove through Utah and really got into Book of Mormon culture. They didn't just drive through Manti, Jordon, Lehi, and Bountiful. One brother called his sister Amoron (a moron) and they all had Nephites (knee fights) in the car.

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If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.

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You know you're a Utahn if:

You are 25 years old and completely bald.

Your were an aunt or uncle before the age of 3.

Your spouses mother was pregnant at your wedding.

You have more children that you can find biblical names for.

Your family considers a trip to McDonalds a night out.

Peanut butter on the seats of the car is an accessory.

You feel guilty when you watch Monday Night Football.

Your kids believe the deer hunt is a national Holiday: July 24th too.

You consider a temple recommend a credit reference.

At least two of your salad bowls are at the homes of neighbors.

You believe you must be 18 years of older to order coffee at a restaurant.

There is a similarity between the L.A. riots and ward basketball.

You think Jack Daniels is a country western singer.

You negotiate prices at garage sales.

You make Jell-o without a recipe.

You hear about BYU football in a testimony meeting.

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A Sunday School teacher was teaching the importance of love in the home. She illustrated her point by referring to the commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother." She then asked if there was a commandment which taught how to treat sisters and brothers. One little boy from a large family raised his hand quickly. Innocently he asked, "Thou shalt not kill?"

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My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six year old daughter and said,"Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday.

One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today.

Wish you could have been there."

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Question: How are bishops chosen?

``Answer: The stake leaders find the most righteous, spiritual, most loved person in the ward _

and then they call her husband.''

[bunnzy]

Atheist:

The story is told of the Atheist who accosted a preacher. "Do you believe in eternal life?" The preacher has no time to reply. "Well its a load of rubbish!" shouted the Atheist. "I believe in science, evolution, survival of the fittest, and when we die, that's it! No eternal life, no great judgement, and no God!" The Atheist continues his assault against the preacher repetitiously and tirelessly. "Eternal life! Eternal life! Ha! "Its all pie in the sky when you die." When I die that's it, the end, no eternal life, no nothing. He continues, until he reaches his climax, "I will be buried six feet under when I die and that's it! Nothing! Caput! When I die I am utterly convinced that that will be the end of me!" "Well thank God for that" replies the preacher! ...

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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something." The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."

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With more than twelve billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder that marketers are distributing mailing lists anywhere possible. In one particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names to itself.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

[susieSA]

A Senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car

salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160Kmh;

enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the N1, enjoying pushing the pedal

to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police

car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as

he floored it to 180Kmh, then 220, then 240Kmh. Suddenly, he thought,

"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled

over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up

with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side

of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10

minutes.

Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a

reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you

go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years

ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her

back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

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I thought this one was good

[MichaelH]

The setting takes place at a summer ward activity out at the pavilion.

I wrote this in my journal:

“Today was a very embarrassing day for me at our summer ward party. Someone from the ward brought a little kiddie pool and dumped a bunch of ice in it. Brother Gleason and Brother Rider came up to me with a bunch of brand new bottled water and asked me to put it in the pool. I took the bottled water and went up to the pool and began to open the bottled water and pour the water into the pool. I soon realized what I was doing when Brother Rider stopped me. I was so embarrassed, I felt like crawling under a rock and dying.”

I emailed my dad what happened and he wrote back,

“Mike;

that's why you’re the Young Men's President and not the High Priest Group Leader... once you figure things out like that water incident (ahead of time), you'll be ready for bigger and better things.”

[Elphaba]

The setting takes place at a summer ward activity out at the pavilion.

I wrote this in my journal:

“Today was a very embarrassing day for me at our summer ward party. Someone from the ward brought a little kiddie pool and dumped a bunch of ice in it. Brother Gleason and Brother Rider came up to me with a bunch of brand new bottled water and asked me to put it in the pool. I took the bottled water and went up to the pool and began to open the bottled water and pour the water into the pool. I soon realized what I was doing when Brother Rider stopped me. I was so embarrassed, I felt like crawling under a rock and dying.”

I emailed my dad what happened and he wrote back,

“Mike;

that's why you’re the Young Men's President and not the High Priest Group Leader... once you figure things out like that water incident (ahead of time), you'll be ready for bigger and better things.”

Elphaba

[Iggy]

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. Heidi started to go into labor and called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic was able to respond to the call.

The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help, and asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

[pushka]

Awww, lol Iggy! That was cute :)

[Elphaba]

I can't remember if I told this one already, and if I did you guys can yell at me.

When my son was about three, I decided to make a really healthy dinner. I picked some lettuce from" the garden" (veggies that sprang up out of nowhere) and was standing at the sink washing it when my little one came in, looked at the lettuce, and said "What's that?" I told him it was lettuce for our salad that night. He said "What's a salad?" I explained how I'd cut up the lettuce into little pieces, put it in a bowl, and that was a salad!

He got this incredulous look on his face, pointed to the lettuce and cried out, "We're gonna eat that? (grossed out pause) Plants!?!"

I felt like the worst mother in the world.

Elphie