I'm a newlywed ...Should I get divorced?

[leo91]

Well I got sealed a little more than two months ago to a nice girl at met in college about a year ago. I do like her and there are times I have felt like I do love her but it goes on and off frequently. Sometimes I feel like I married her just to please everyone else because my family and friends love her so much. We frequently argue and seem like two entirely different people. I am the only one who strives to be active. If it weren't for me she probably wouldn't be. I feel like her family doesn't accept me... anyway... This isn't about wanting to date other people again or anything. I just don't feel anything, I feel like I've been more in love with past girlfriends than I do with her. Anyway I haven't told anyone about this because I don't know what my family would think..... Please help and be nice!

[skippy740]

Welcome to LDS.net.

Well I got sealed a little more than two months ago to a nice girl at met in college about a year ago. I do like her and there are times I have felt like I do love her but it goes on and off frequently.

Welcome to marriage! Marriage is spelled W-O-R-K. The demands of married life mean that you're not just legally dating each other and living together.

Sometimes I feel like I married her just to please everyone else because my family and friends love her so much.

Do you often give in to peer pressure?

At some point, someone proposed... and someone said yes. That was the time that you took ownership of your new commitment to be married/sealed.

We frequently argue and seem like two entirely different people. I am the only one who strives to be active. If it weren't for me she probably wouldn't be. I feel like her family doesn't accept me... anyway...

How long did you date before you were married? Did you discuss marriage? Or did you think it was just a "good idea"?

This isn't about wanting to date other people again or anything. I just don't feel anything, I feel like I've been more in love with past girlfriends than I do with her. Anyway I haven't told anyone about this because I don't know what my family would think..... Please help and be nice!

I'm sensing a theme here.

I'm going to be nice... and blunt. Why? Because sometimes the nicest thing a person can do... is to show someone their weakness so they can see it and learn from it.

Ready? Here it goes:

Your problem is that you're not a man. You are a boy who is peer-pressured into making decisions... and may not be used to thinking for himself. You're not used to making those decisions REGARDLESS of what everyone else thinks.

You may not be used to people questioning your decisions... but it's YOUR life... not theirs. It's YOUR marriage... not theirs. Families help to do the "weed check" - to make sure you don't get someone who would be really BAD for you. But it's always YOUR choice on who to marry.

The question for you now is this: What are you going to do?

She was good enough for you to marry her... and that was very recent.

There is no abuse, adultery, or addictions going on right? You're just not "in love" with her? (According to your post, that's all I've got to work with.)

I'm not going to tell you to get a divorce. That's not my place.

I will recommend that you get some counseling - individual counseling - for yourself. I think you may have some doubts that you need to get worked out.

I would also recommend that you talk to your Bishop to get a referral to LDS Family Services for your counseling.

My personal advice: I would NOT announce any changes in your intention to stay or leave in the marriage UNTIL you have completed a few counseling sessions.

[Roseslipper]

its only 2 months and u r thinking divorce....u both desided to get married....work at your marriage and do what skippy suggested...young people think marriage is all peaches and cream and fun. Its working harder then u ever worked before...love grows if its nurished...you made your bed, now make this marriage work...best wishes to you and your spouce.

[Dravin]

At some point, someone proposed... and someone said yes. That was the time that you took ownership of your new commitment to be married/sealed.

More importantly two someones said yes during the sealing ordinance. While engagement is a commitment it pales in comparison to the commitment made in the temple.

Sometimes I feel like I married her just to please everyone else because my family and friends love her so much.

Regardless of if you married her to please others, or for love, shared goals and purpose, to have a family to pass your family business down to, or to form an alliance between two feuding kingdoms, you're married now and you need to do what you can to work on and improve your marriage.

We frequently argue and seem like two entirely different people.

1) Arguing (which is not the same thing as disagreement) is bad as it is a sign that you have trouble communicating as a married couple. Note this isn't a sign that your marriage is doomed and must be abandoned. You need to work on your communication as a couple. Counseling is an obvious way, another is self-help books written for exactly that purpose. If you want directed to some good books to that purpose I personally don't have any recommendations, but if you ask others here someone will have some good suggestions.

2) You are two entirely different people. A lot of the work in marriage is learning how to take two entirely different people and have them helm a marriage as a unified team.

I just don't feel anything, I feel like I've been more in love with past girlfriends than I do with her.

My advice is that you learn to serve and love your wife.

Edited December 20, 2013 by Dravin

[applepansy]

You need to read the foillowing blog. It made headlines all over the place.

Marriage Isn’t For You | Seth Adam Smith

Yes you should stay married. Then you need to stop telling yourself you don't love your wife and start serving her. Because that's what marriage is all about. Your chose your partner and Heavenly Father will hold you accountable for how you treat her. There are very few valid reasons for divorce. You don't mention abuse, so I"m going to assume she's not abusive either physically or emotionally.

The other thing I'm going to ask you to do is Pray. Ask Heavenly Father to help you love your spouse.

Women are intuitive. We pick up on emotions by the little actions and reactions we get from the people around us. If you're at the point where you come to a forum to post you're giving off vibes. I'm speculating but your wife might just be mirroring your feelings. Stop arguing and she will stop. Go to church but don't pressure her, she will go again.

The first year is the hardest. But before you decide to throw the baby out with the bathwater be certain you're going to make your marriage work before you bring children into the picture. Divorce will hurt children forever.

[estradling75]

I have only one thing to add to what has been said. As long as you have divorce as an option that you are seriously considering DO NOT HAVE KIDS! I don't care how much peer-pressure your family/friends/wife might apply. Your future kids deserve better then to brought in to a broken home. Others might not have that as an option, but you do. Use it.

[ditd]

Hey Leo

Welcome to the forum!! Congratulations on getting married and I'm sorry you find things are tough.

Skippy has some very salient points about maybe facing up to some of your on personal challenges and perfecting yourself with the help of heavenly father and a counseller.

As for your marriage it can be tough. I have been married now for 6 months, so only a little longer than you.

For us the first month was bliss, however after that it started to get tougher with little frequent arguments. Things just not being right. Gradually they got worse and worse until one day we had a big ole barney and decided that enough was enough and we had to sort this out or quit.

For me I love all of the scriptures but I pay particular attention to the teachings as they came out of the mouth of Christ (his church, his words).Matt 19.9And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

So for me divorce is not an option unless there are issues of fornication and abuse that your partner cannot resolve. That is my own opinion and interpretation.

When we sat down we noticed that our main problem was communication. We would do/say things that upset each other and then not resolve them or wait and let them fester. Now we try and face them head on. It means talking about them at the time or as close to as possible, not waiting more than an hour.

Also it is tough because you both have separate needs, some of them might be conflicting. One of you might feel sad and need affection whilst the other needs space. In cases like that you must work together to find solutions such as just sitting on the couch and watching TV - it is not just the activity but also the mindset that recognizes that although neither of you got exactly what you wanted - you both conceded your desire to help the other one.

If I could give you 4 things that really helped us and maybe they can help you too:

1. Work on you communication. Continually.

2. Pray and read scriptures as a couple

3. Serve your wife with love

4. Go to the temple, especially when things are tough

[Backroads]

You liked her well enough to marry her. I will fess up that sometimes my mind wanders and I wonder how happy I would have been with other boyfriends as my husband. I suppose it's harmless enough in and of itself, but I both love and like my husband and it would be dangerous if I really focused on "what if".

So maybe you did what was expected. Maybe you have doomed yourself to a lifetime and eternity of misery. BUT... I highly doubt it.

Follow the advice given by the others here and give yourself some time. It's been two months.

[Vort]

Yes. Stay married. Make it work. It will fill your life with happiness and save you from a lifetime of regret. Start thinking of your wife right now. Get her at least one small gift per day. Doesn't have to cost anything, just a flower you pick (assuming you live somewhere that flowers grow in December). Something to say, "I'm thinking of you." Then quit focusing on your disappointments and start having fun with this girl. Go do things with her. Watch a movie at home. Sex with your wife may just be the single best thing in life; use it. Don't complain. Focus on the positive.

[Dravin]

Yes. Stay married. Make it work. It will fill your life with happiness and save you from a lifetime of regret. Start thinking of your wife right now. Get her at least one small gift per day. Doesn't have to cost anything, just a flower you pick (assuming you live somewhere that flowers grow in December). Something to say, "I'm thinking of you." Then quit focusing on your disappointments and start having fun with this girl. Go do things with her. Watch a movie at home. Sex with your wife may just be the single best thing in life; use it. Don't complain. Focus on the positive.

Excellent advice, I recommend he try and speak to her along the lines of her love language*. So if her language is service, make that gift something like washing to dishes. If it is words of affirmation, a card or a note. If its gifts something like the flower you mentioned. If physical touch, snuggling, hugs, and other things. If quality time then spend time with her where you can be engaged with her even if it isn't your favorite thing to do in the world. If you don't know her love language then there is no better time than the present to learn, hit all 5 and see which she appreciates most.

*In case leo91 isn't familiar with the 5 love languages: Home | The 5 Love Languages®

Edited December 20, 2013 by Dravin

[rameumptom]

You began with an attraction/infatuation. Now that you are married, love is no longer an emotion that you fall into, but it is a choice. You have chosen and covenanted to be a great husband and to love your wife. Chances are, if you were the husband she needs right now, she would gladly follow you to Church or anywhere else. But if you are choosing to not show her love or keep your covenant, then she may fear to keep her end of the bargain. Time to man up, and be the kind of person she was hoping she married.

BTW, marriage is hard. Sleeping around and not developing real intimacy is easy. But working through the hard times in marriage and choosing to have Christ-like love towards your spouse, makes you grow spiritually into the eternal mate you need to be.

[Kaelee]

Please, please, please do not have children until you are completely devoted to her. PLEASE!!!

[leo91]

Well at this point we've agreed to get counseling to see what can help. You can say I'm not man enough, or that I give into peer pressure easily but I don't. This case I did yes. Obviously we have issues. She tells me how unhappy she is all the time, I try to communicate but she is to stubborn to ever see outside of her view which always leads to me saying sorry and that she's right just to end the argument even though I don't really believe it. ITS always that way. She is consistently ragging on me and my family to her mom via text. I just feel like this is ridiculous. Physical intimacy is pretty much terrible. She consistently sorrows over past events in her life and when I try to comfort her she gets mad. I know all of you will say you are sealed so deal with it. I mean this is just plain bad. She cries herself to sleep all the time. I just think sometimes we should end the marriage before things get worse i.e. have kids.

[leo91]

I feel like I try and try but its never good enough for her

[Leah]

Well at this point we've agreed to get counseling to see what can help. You can say I'm not man enough, or that I give into peer pressure easily but I don't. This case I did yes. Obviously we have issues. She tells me how unhappy she is all the time, I try to communicate but she is to stubborn to ever see outside of her view which always leads to me saying sorry and that she's right just to end the argument even though I don't really believe it. ITS always that way. She is consistently ragging on me and my family to her mom via text. I just feel like this is ridiculous. Physical intimacy is pretty much terrible. She consistently sorrows over past events in her life and when I try to comfort her she gets mad. I know all of you will say you are sealed so deal with it. I mean this is just plain bad. She cries herself to sleep all the time. I just think sometimes we should end the marriage before things get worse i.e. have kids.

So...you are saying everything is her fault? And everyone else's fault? That you never give in to peer pressure, but this one time - making one of the biggest choices of you life - that you did? So it's still not your fault?

You say it's "always" that way in regards to her never seeing your viewpoint. So you believe you are always right and she is always wrong?

You haven't even given the marriage a chance. You haven't even done any real work...which ALL marriages take.

[MorningStar]

Don't contemplate divorce until you try marriage counseling at least. Marriage is the biggest decision of your life, so it's hard to believe that this was mostly about pressure from other people. How long did you date?

[mnn727]

One BIG mistake I had when newly married was that I expected my wife to be just like me, like the same thing, do the same things, never disagree -- Guess what? a wife is a person too and brings differences into a marriage, is it rough? it can be. Is it a challenge? - of course. Is it worth it? Definitely

Thank God my wife has a mind of her own and its different than mine, but as a young newly married man I didn't see it that way, now a "loooong' time later I thank God for those differences.

my 2 cents.

[leo91]

No obviously I am part of the problem if she is unhappy. Let's not be ridiculous now.

[Finrock]

Hi leo91. Welcome to the forums. I hope you're having a good day! :)

I feel like I try and try but its never good enough for her

Its only been two months. I promise you that you haven't tried enough. I've had difficult times in my marriage. I made the decision that I would not end the marriage no matter what. Having a happy and prosperous marriage is a choice that is made on a daily basis. It is not something that just magically happens. You don't have "happily ever after" without making "happily ever after" decisions. The decisions that will bring you to your goals in marriage are centered in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Above all, you and your wife NEED the atonement. It isn't just for sins. Have faith in Jesus Christ and believe that the Atonement can sustain you and heal you and help you and your wife to save your marriage.

-Finrock

[Just_A_Guy]

Agency and Love in Marriage

[yjacket]

Man, kids these days (I ain't that old and I find myself saying that more and more).

IMO, unless there is one of the 3 As there is no justifiable reason for divorce. Even with the 3 As, it may not mean divorce depending on the situation.

1st off, if you want to solve your problems, then the first thing you must do is completely eliminate the thought of divorce from your mind--SUCK IT UP. Stop thinking about the could have, should have, would have. You made a commitment, now honor it.

Some things are more important in life then our own personal happiness. In fact, many times "sacrificing" our own personal happiness for "higher" pursuits leads to much greater personal happiness. Something about he who shall lose his life for me shall find it . . .

Until you eliminate all your "outs" you will never be able to 1) fix yourself- 'cuz a lot of this is about you too and 2) fix you marriage and 3) help your wife fix herself.

<rant time . . . sorry :-( > One of the issues that I see cropping up a lot with the younger generation is well unicorns. A fantastic article that sums up a lot:

Why Generation Y Yuppies Are Unhappy | Wait But Why

For a lot of younger folks, life has been extremely easy and then when a bump in the road happens it's "the world is going to end", "I can't take it anymore" etc. etc. etc.

I got news for you life isn't supposed to be easy, it is supposed to be hard, we are supposed to struggle, we are supposed to go through absolute hell and back a couple of times.

Now if you want to actually honor your commitments and bring much greater personal happiness to yourself in the long-run then I suggest you start reading some good marriage counseling books. And there are a lot of them: Getting the Love you Want, The 5 love languages, marriagebuilders.com, etc. etc. etc.

I promise you that as long as there are 2 people fighting to save a marriage and make it gold with God's help it will work and it will turn into an absolutely wonderful experience.

And what is more, the Atonement is so much more powerful after you've been through hell a couple of times. The depth and breadth of my knowledge and experience in the Atonement has been enhanced by the trials I've gone through and that is something I wouldn't trade for anything. It sure be nice if there was another way to gain it . . . but there isn't.

And by the way, Finrock, you rock. I know I can come off rough around the edges, but you have a good way with words . . . and I know that you get it. . . .

[Dravin]

No obviously I am part of the problem if she is unhappy. Let's not be ridiculous now.

It should be noted that the only person you can change is yourself, additionally you are here and she is not, thus why the advice is focusing on what you can do. I know in these sort of threads it is easy to feel like everything is being laid squarely on your shoulders, it's not that everything is objectively your fault (we don't know the situation well enough to declare that) but that you're the only actor in this situation whom we can advise, thus the absence of what she needs to do.

[applepansy]

Well at this point we've agreed to get counseling to see what can help. You can say I'm not man enough, or that I give into peer pressure easily but I don't. This case I did yes. Obviously we have issues. She tells me how unhappy she is all the time, I try to communicate but she is to stubborn to ever see outside of her view which always leads to me saying sorry and that she's right just to end the argument even though I don't really believe it. ITS always that way. She is consistently ragging on me and my family to her mom via text. I just feel like this is ridiculous. Physical intimacy is pretty much terrible. She consistently sorrows over past events in her life and when I try to comfort her she gets mad. I know all of you will say you are sealed so deal with it. I mean this is just plain bad. She cries herself to sleep all the time. I just think sometimes we should end the marriage before things get worse i.e. have kids.

I"m glad you're getting counseling.

Watch the movie Fireproof together.

[Guest]

The phrase, "The honeymoon is over" exists for a reason. Dating someone and having fun with them is so much different than living with them and building a life with them. The first year is so hard. There's a lot to work out and get used to. Be forgiving with her and yourself. Absolutely go to counseling and learn to communicate with each other better.

I have one of the happiest marriages I know of (yeah, I'm bragging- but I'm being honest). It didn't start out that way. I brought the "d" word up a few months into our marriage. Like above, we decided after that that we would never even joke about that as an option again. We would make it work.

The work is worth it. Get through this rough spot, and then next one won't be so bad. Even better, your love and devotion to each other will deepen. Be friends, be lovers, and muscle through it. If you're willing to work and give each other some leniency, you WILL get through it, and you'll be so much better on the other side.

[Quin]

I'm the "Yes. Get divorced. Like yesterday." person on this board. Just as a heads up.

Nope. No do not get divorced.

Wow. That felt weird.

Okay, so why am I saying nope, nada, don't do it?

1) 2 months????

While that might feel like forever... It's not.

That's round robin with the flu, out of town guests, a nasty case of cramps, and a sanity day.

Meaning... In your life... Here will be MANY 8 week periods of craziness.

That are in no way representative of you, your wife, or life in general.

Except that they happen.

Heck, 24/7 bottle feeding is 6+ months. (Sleep dep, dear god, sleep dep).

Marriage isn't like dating.

When dating, a bad couple weeks (heck, even a bad day) can spell the end.

In marriage, most couples have bad YEARS.

Heck, many have a lousy decade.

This does NOT mean that you should just resign yourself to misery.

The opposite.

It means you need to WORK.

Or things won't get better.

They'll stay yucky, or end.

So.

Give it some time.

Real time.

Time that can't be explained easily away.

Like a huge life changing event having happened just a few weeks ago.

2) What Eowyn said.

Here's a clarification on manhood, though.

And DO know that even 80yo leaders of the free world have times when they act like boys, or situations where they're not being mature about them. Being a man has little to nothing to do with age (or even gender! Yep. Male adult does NOT equal being a man.) Being a man is about having a strong character. Being a boy is NOT about having a weak character... It's about having an UNTESTED character. Which is exactly where you find yourself, right now. Building character = Always uncomfortable, often difficult, rarely fun. But worth it.

All my best...

Q

______

If

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;

If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And---which is more---you'll be a Man, my son!

-Kipling

Edited December 21, 2013 by Quin
(Sung to o'tannenbaum) Editing, oh editing....