I'm a newlywed ...Should I get divorced?

[Suzie]

Just like you rushed into this marriage and you are now regretting, do not rush into getting a divorce and regret again, it will be a very foolish thing to do. If you think getting a divorce will solve whatever issues you are having right now, you are very mistaken and you run the risk of bringing all those issues back into your next relationship. This is why you have to deal with the problems right now before you take any major decisions.

[apexviper]

Well I got sealed a little more than two months ago to a nice girl at met in college about a year ago. I do like her and there are times I have felt like I do love her but it goes on and off frequently. Sometimes I feel like I married her just to please everyone else because my family and friends love her so much. We frequently argue and seem like two entirely different people. I am the only one who strives to be active. If it weren't for me she probably wouldn't be. I feel like her family doesn't accept me... anyway... This isn't about wanting to date other people again or anything. I just don't feel anything, I feel like I've been more in love with past girlfriends than I do with her. Anyway I haven't told anyone about this because I don't know what my family would think..... Please help and be nice!

Answer this: did you get married to get divorced?

You two argue, you're different people, you don't feel accepted by her family. Congratulations, you've been married for 2 months; you know nothing about it. There's going to be arguing, there's going to be dislike, there's going to be times where you don't want to be around each other. These things are bound to happen.

As far as being complete opposites go did you expect to marry someone who is exactly like you? Some marriages have pure opposites. It works out for some people.

You say you don't feel her family accepts you. Have they told you that? Did you bother to ask and they say "We don't like you"? You will never know until you talk to them about it.

[John11111]

Love is a choice! Love isnt something you just fall into or just happens magically. It is something we chose to do period.

Things can be amazing but it will take both of you working together for things to work.

YOU need to be the one to start making the marriage better. Its a vicious cycle she wont try because your not trying and you wont try because she isnt. Be the one to break the cycle start by going here and start educating yourself learn to understand your wife and her needs/ what you can do to start growing your love for each other.

Marriagebuilders - Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Dont pass this off just do it read it all even the parts you think you wont need or dont pertain to you. For more reading I would recommend "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard Harley Jr. it goes into more depth on the needs of a relationship his and hers and how important they are to a relationship.

If your having trouble getting her to join you in the above reading try the "Love Dare" (part of the fireproof movie that someone else suggested earlier)

I promise that if your both willing to work on it you will grow to love each other greatly. I know I went through it even after my wife had 2 affairs and our marriage is so wonderful now and we are both so happy.

I wish I had someone tell me what im telling you now when I was 1st married. I even recommend to any friends/ relatives who are newlyweds to do the above as well. Its not easy it is work and sometimes you will feel like giving up keep at it, in the end the results are more then worth the effort.

Edited December 30, 2013 by John11111

[Lakumi]

No I think commitement is something we choose, I didn't choose to fall for that girl who didn't love me back.

If it was a choice I wouldn't keep falling for people who don't love me back, why would I choose that?! When I knew full well they hated my guts or saw me as a piece of trash?

[Leah]

No I think commitement is something we choose, I didn't choose to fall for that girl who didn't love me back.

If it was a choice I wouldn't keep falling for people who don't love me back, why would I choose that?! When I knew full well they hated my guts or saw me as a piece of trash?

If you don't have control over your own feelings, then who does have the control? You can't assign the responsibility - or the blame - for your feelings to someone else.

[Quin]

No I think commitement is something we choose, I didn't choose to fall for that girl who didn't love me back.

If it was a choice I wouldn't keep falling for people who don't love me back, why would I choose that?! When I knew full well they hated my guts or saw me as a piece of trash?

That's what people mean when they say choosing to love.

Meaning love the verb/actions/commitments... Not love the feeling.

The commitment + allowing space for love fled to return.

The + is important... Because just staying miserable isnt choosing to love. Pits choosing to suffer.

No one, that I know of, can control their feelings... Or dictate who they fall in love with.

What people do is control their REACTION to their feelings.

Like, just because Im mad, doesn't mean I take it out on others.

Nor does it mean I let it consume me.

Although I CAN do both.

Ditto, with love (or any other emotion).

Just because I feel something (or not), that doesn't control me.

Unless I let it.

Or don't know how to monitor & regulate.

Been there. Done that!

There's a GREAT quote (that I learned too late!) that goes like this:

You can't choose who you fall in love with.

You can choose who you marry.

(Or You can choose how far you take it).

Which is a pointed version of the ADHD mantra:

Can't choose the 1st thought.

Can choose the 2nd!

(We ADHD people are often mid-leap before the first thought is over, poor impulse control, so learning to wait/add a 2nd thought... Is pretty key to our continued existence).

Anyhow.

Just clarification.

I hope!

[yjacket]

I actually think that to a large degree we can control our emotions and consequently our feelings.

Yoga, tai chi, meditation, acupuncture, etc. There are a litany of tactics, techniques, and methods that humans employ in order to master our emotions and ourselves.

A significant part of the process of growing up is learning to master our emotions. A critic might say well that is mastering the reaction and yes the first step is mastering the response to the initial emotion, but eventually through mastering even the emotion itself can be mastered.

For example, someone cuts you off driving. The first instinct might be to curse or shake a fist; master of the reaction and we don't do that. Mastery of the emotion and we don't even get upset about it. We can master our emotions by better understanding our own background, how we were raised, etc and we can then try to understand other people. Back to someone cutting you off, we can learn to understand that maybe that person was in a rush for whatever reason and then we can learn to simply not let it bother us as there is nothing we can do about the situation.

Sometimes we might act, not because we are mad but because a consequence must be affixed. It is a hard thing to do, but mastery of our emotions is very possible in this life.

To love, if we look closely enough and are introspective enough we can actually identify the reasons why we "fall in love" with someone. It is so mysterious because it is all in our subconsciousness but bring it to the conscience level, know thyself and the answers will come.

Edited December 31, 2013 by yjacket

[John11111]

No I think commitement is something we choose, I didn't choose to fall for that girl who didn't love me back.

If it was a choice I wouldn't keep falling for people who don't love me back, why would I choose that?! When I knew full well they hated my guts or saw me as a piece of trash?

I disagree, maybe we have different definitions of love, love is patience, empathy and understanding its a giving of yourself, serving them and not expecting anything in return. Unless you chose to spend the time with someone how do you "fall in love"?

To me you are describing attraction, infatuation, or lust its short lived, it isnt sustainable. Unless you CHOSE to get to know someone and chose to spend time with them you cannot truly get a big enough picture of someones nature to really love them, love who they are in there entirety.

I guess you could say you love certain things about a person someones look/ smell/ way they move/ act/ or speak/ etc But then that isnt really love for a person is it? Thats just an attraction to certain attributes you find appealing.

This is a big part of being able to love someone though, it makes it easier. Many of these things are emotional needs we have as human beings. When our needs are being met by someone we want to meet there needs as well we want to make them happy we want to love/show our love to them.

Edited December 31, 2013 by John11111

[rameumptom]

No one, that I know of, can control their feelings... Or dictate who they fall in love with.

What people do is control their REACTION to their feelings.

Like, just because Im mad, doesn't mean I take it out on others.

Nor does it mean I let it consume me.

Although I CAN do both.

Ditto, with love (or any other emotion).

That is a bunch of malarkey. You are basically saying that we are unthinking animals that cannot control/choose emotion. God is unable to fill us with charity/love (Moroni 7:48) regardless the situation?

We can control reactions. But the Book of Mormon also tells us that we have the ability to act and not be acted upon (2 Nephi 2). IOW, we can CHOOSE ahead of time what emotion we will use. We can choose to love, even if others choose to react or not love.

This is what separates those who will become as God, from those who will just be animals.

[rameumptom]

I disagree, maybe we have different definitions of love, love is patience, empathy and understanding its a giving of yourself, serving them and not expecting anything in return. Unless you chose to spend the time with someone how do you "fall in love"? ....

This is a big part of being able to love someone though, it makes it easier. Many of these things are emotional needs we have as human beings. When our needs are being met by someone we want to meet there needs as well we want to make them happy we want to love/show our love to them.

I did not know my future wife very well at all. We were friends briefly, when I went to South Korea in the military. Several months into my time there, I wrote her as a friend. We both sent each other a photo at the same time. Both of us received a witness of the Spirit as we saw the photo that we were to be married. I barely knew her, and so no feelings of "love" had developed. Yet, we obeyed the Spirit and were married soon after I returned from Korea. 27 years later, I still know it was the right decision: to marry even though romantic love had not yet developed.

Given that for centuries marriages were arranged and people grew in love towards one another, I think we are truly confused in this day and age what love is all about.

[Just_A_Guy]

From the article I linked to earlier in this thread:

Thus we have seen that while a person may “fall in love” with a spouse by emotion, the husband or wife progresses and blossoms in love by decision.

[NeuroTypical]

Well at this point we've agreed to get counseling to see what can help.

Probably a good thing. I'm not really hearing anything in your posts that can't be handled with a little guidance, experience, love, patience, learning how to communicate, and building trust.

I especially appreciate your desire to have things resolved before kids show up. It's your jobs to make sure some poor kid just doesn't happen to get born in the middle of all this. Make sure you do your family planning.

[AnthonyB]

To the excellent advice given on many of the posts of this thread I'd only add two thoughts...

What you give value to, your heart will tend to begin to love. Learn to give value to your wife, it is always easier to see faults then the good in poeple.

Work with ALL your strength and might at this marriage, at yourself as a man and husband. Expend every effort and value your marriage covenant. Even if the worst still happens, by your effort you will be hopefully have made yourself a better person and a better future spouse.

[Wormwood]

Get divorced and find someone you really love and get along with BEFORE you have children because after children, it all gets worse due to the changes that take place and the finances. Or else you will spend your entire life wishing you had married someone else and this is not fair to you, your spouse or your future children with her. If you have to work too hard to keep your marriage together, something is wrong. Fix it before it's too late.

[garryw]

For most of the history of the world, marriages were arranged by parents. For example, Abraham had a servant go fetch a wife for Isaac. This was pretty normal until our modern age.

So if we have the luxury of picking our own spouse, and still cant handle marriage, I would expect exaltation is pretty much a non starter. Not that being single is such a bad thing, it's kind of the easy way out.

[NeuroTypical]

So if we have the luxury of picking our own spouse, and still cant handle marriage, I would expect exaltation is pretty much a non starter.

Garry, did you just say that divorced people probably won't go to the celestial kingdom? Because if that's what you said, that's a pretty crappy thing to say. Not to mention uncharitable and doctrinally unsupportable...

[mrmarklin]

Well I got sealed a little more than two months ago to a nice girl at met in college about a year ago. I do like her and there are times I have felt like I do love her but it goes on and off frequently. Sometimes I feel like I married her just to please everyone else because my family and friends love her so much. We frequently argue and seem like two entirely different people. I am the only one who strives to be active. If it weren't for me she probably wouldn't be. I feel like her family doesn't accept me... anyway... This isn't about wanting to date other people again or anything. I just don't feel anything, I feel like I've been more in love with past girlfriends than I do with her. Anyway I haven't told anyone about this because I don't know what my family would think..... Please help and be nice!

As an experienced poker player, I would tell you to cut your losses, fold your hand and leave the table.

BUT I'm only hearing your side of these issues, and there is another. The nonsense of being "in love" with ex girl friends more than your wife is indicative of a level of maturity that is not compatible with marraige. Worrying about what others think is another. So as opposed to my previous paragraph, I would say maybe you shouldn't be married due to a lack of maturity. One can only feel sorry for you wife.

[notquiteperfect]

First, I'm sorry you're struggling and I can sympathize a bit. I married the greatest guy ever and after just one month of marriage, I was wondering what I had gotten myself into. What helped is looking at my wedding photos and remembering how I felt on my wedding day. There's no question, the Spirit confirmed that our union was a good thing.

Now, please read the books and blog posts others have mentioned! Also, Middle-Aged Mormon Man just had a post on his awesome site that applies - » 12 Tips to a Better Marriage – For Men (Level 1)

Also, there are various personality tests online (free) that will help you understand each other better. They're fun and insightful - great for date night (hint hint).

Good luck and as others have said the first year can be rough - but worth it!