I've Been Abused

[DaZebra]

I realize you don't expect to see high-school age young women in here, but this seemed much more appropriate than the youth forum.

Like the title thread says, I strongly feel that I've been abused by a very close (male) friend of mine. We've been friends for a while, and I've always sort of been his support buddy since he's having some issues with mental health, but recently things took a turn for the much worse. He confessed to me some of his habits and addictions that are causing problems in his life, and asked me if I could help. I told him I'd do my best, and proceeded to inform his parents and counselors.

He kept going downhill, however, and began pressuring me to become more and more physical. Shocked and overwhelmed, I wasn't as strong as I should have been, and we became far too involved. His bipolar behaviors have become extreme and ridiculous, often begging for intimacy and threatening suicide if I don't deliver. Due to these manipulations I've lost something valuable that I will never get back, and compromised my standards in the worst way by losing my virginity to this young man.

Since all of this I've done my best to distance myself as well as I can despite us being in the same grade and participate in many of the same activities and have to work together often. My friends have been a big support to me, but even so I feel lost and suffocated and have no idea where to go from here. I'm afraid to tell my parents, knowing how disappointed they would be, and I don't feel quite ready to go to my bishop yet. Is there any advice you can give me? I really need all the help I can get right now.

[Suzie]

DaZebra, I am very sorry to hear about the things you are going through. Of course, I will encourage to talk to your Bishop as soon as you are able to do so and also you always have that open line of communication with the Lord through prayer.

Having said that, I am a bit confused at the title of your thread versus the content of your post. You said you have been abused, you mean psychologically abused? I'm very sorry to ask this but I am just trying to understand you better. I ask because you said you compromised your standards and you wasn't as strong as you should have been.

[notquiteperfect]

First, I'm so sorry you've been going through this.

I understand that you may not feel ready to go talk to the bishop but that really is the best thing to do. You need to move through this and need more support to do so. The longer you delay, the longer it'll be till you get it. Also, remember that your parents just want the best for you and love you no matter what.

{hugs}

[tumbledquartz]

You need to find someone to talk to. Is there a school counselor or a young women leader you trust? Don't be afraid to go to your bishop. In my experience, they are very understanding and caring and non-judgmental. They are there to help.

The threats of suicide if you don't have sex do sound like emotional abuse. This person is not a good influence in your life and you need to make sure you aren't alone with him again. Best of luck. <3

[DaZebra]

Suzie, I feel I've been abused because this young man took advantage of me when I agreed to help him with his addictions, and threatened suicide when I didn't do what he wanted. Maybe 'abused' is strong, but I certainly feel violated and manipulated.

[Suzie]

Suzie, I feel I've been abused because this young man took advantage of me when I agreed to help him with his addictions, and threatened suicide when I didn't do what he wanted. Maybe 'abused' is strong, but I certainly feel violated and manipulated.

No, I do not find the term is strong at all. Thanks for clarifying. You really need to talk with your parents about this so they can help you. I know it is a scary thing to do but you need them more than ever and I'm sure they will be there for you.

[Vort]

Do you see the danger of using the word "abused" in such a situation? It evokes images of a man threatening your well-being, beating you, raping you. What you describe is a pathetic attempt by an immature young man to force sympathy from you. If what you describe is the extent of what happened, "abuse" is most definitely the wrong word. He did not "abuse" you. He tried to manipulate you through threats of SELF-harm -- much different from threatening YOU.

Do not buy into the victim mindset. It is unhealthy for you, and it will lead you to do things like accuse a foolish and immature but otherwise innocent young man of abuse.

If you "lost" your virginity to him, then take responsibility for YOUR actions. Quit trying to blame HIM by crying "abuse!" Own up to your actions -- he did not TAKE your virginity, you GAVE it to him. If he's really such a bad influence that you can't keep from having sex with him -- LEAVE.

[Quin]

Long before becoming LDS / aka no law of chastity... I've had regrettable sex. Or gone too far with someone that I shouldn't, when it doesn't even progress that far, but it was too far, anyway.

I've also been raped.

There is an ENOURMOUS difference.

A yes I regretted, versus no.

Convinced, versus forced.

It's clear you regret this encounter, however far it went.

But from what you've written, it sounds like you were convinced.

Not forced.

If so...then was it an abuse of your friendship?

Maybe.

I don't know his side.

From some standpoints (no matter how much you regret it), you may actually be considered to have taken advantage of him.... Since he's a vulnerable population (both treated & untreated mental illness sometimes means the person is not cogent enough to give consent. Like being drunk. In many states, Maine for example, a person is not legally able to give consent if drunk because of impaired agency. Same thing with many forms of mental illness. Bipolar disorder in a mixed episode or psychosis counts).

From other standpoints, you could both have been participating members who may both regret, or only 1 regret... Or you could have been ill used for your body.

I don't know. There's a lot of variables.

I just know that back before I observed the law of chastity, all 4 situations came up on a fairly regular basis. It was shocking, the first time I realized at instead of being ill used, he'd actually felt the same by me. Similarly, encounters I thought were truly lovely, they felt hurt and angry afterward / felt used by me. Ouch. I bring these up, not meaning to lessen or increase how badly you clearly feel about what happened between you and this young man, but because all the twisted routes people are hurt by physical affection are commonly known/discussed by those who don't have the law of chastity. Because they all happen. Period. People get hurt.

I do urge you to seriously consider the difference:

If you were raped, you were raped. It's not your fault, and please please seek help.

If you had regrettable sex (or however far you went), own your piece of it, learn from it, and go see your bishop.

Q

[skippy740]

DaZebra,

I agree with Vort. Using the word "abuse" without understanding its meaning, will create within you the integrity of "the boy who cried wolf". Words mean things.

That said, he manipulated you and may have even used tactics to manipulate you that most "emotional abusers" use.

If you were older &/or married, I would recommend counseling to keep the relationship intact. I would even recommend reading self-help books to help you gain perspective.

Ask yourself this question:

"If I knew then, what I know now, would I have become so involved with this person?"

If not, plan how to end the relationship and how fast.

Will this mean quitting a job? Quitting after school activities? If you don't want to be affiliated with him, you need to cut out all contact. Block him from your facebook. Change your cell phone number.

For your protection, you will need to inform your parents.

Here's what you'll need to prepare for: He will hound you for more attention. He may even 'stalk' you to get attention. Why? He's an emotional manipulator (per your post, how you feel, and how he manipulated you).

You will experience this, and it will be much easier to work with, if your parents know.

Pray for strength. Pray for courage.

It's a lot easier to talk to parents and bishops when you've worked out a plan for repentance and ways to avoid the temptation in the future.

[Roseslipper]

First I want you to remember your still a daughter of God and that He will always love you. He also loves this boy. im sorry you got yourself in this position you will need help with this, its not a little problem its serious. talk to your parents they should probably be the first ones you talk too, they will probably be hurt that you got yourself in this situation, but they love you and will help you anyway they can.They will probably take you 2 the Dr. for a check up I would if you were my daughter. then you should talk to the bishop he will also help you. And you and this guy should stay away from each other! I understand you thought you could help him but we cant help everyone. Learn your limitations. And you need to learn to stand up for yourself, for your beliefs and never let anyone manipulated you because there are many people that might try, you need to learn to say no!! And not get into some situations + do learn how to get out of them. Best thing is to learn to trust in the Lords way and follow Him it will keep you safe and healthier and happier.

Edited January 26, 2014 by Roseslipper