My one and only poem as an 11 year old

[pam]

Okay Ron65 you asked for it. You will probably be sorry you did. :)

I have a little dachsund

He is fun and cute

He always chases badgers

Which makes him run and scoot.

He has a very pointed nose

And funny floppy ears.

He always tries to sit and pose

Then everybody cheers.

[Ron65]

#4 (permalink) 02-05-2014, 12:50 PM

Ron65

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First, you might feel I am being too kind with the comments I am about to give, but I only give constructive opinions if I see potential. Second; yes I am feeling sorry, not because of your poem, but because it’s the only one you have written that can be shared with us. Thirdly, although the poem has the feel of an 11-year-old, it was a good attempt and you have some talent for rhyming, which is not an easy skill, AND it also contains some quite subtle poetic devices, which might surprise you.

I often analyse poetry to discover what lies within, which is quite often missed on the first reading only because I first try to feel the flow or musicality of the poem. I then re-read to see how the rhyming comes though (if used) and also to see if it contains any echoing sound effects, both obvious and subtle. Some poetry have very subtle rhyming/half-rhyming devices and in many cases, very subtle echoes too, which your poem has. Although the poem was written when you were 11 years old, I noticed some interesting things going on.

First of all, let’s get the negative out of the way, which I am quite sure you are aware of. Its one small drawback is the ‘flow’ of words; but other than that, as I said, it has some interesting elements within the poem, which you may not have been aware of.

The obvious poetic device used comes across loud and clear, which is the rhyming, as I have already mentioned. The poem, again as already mentioned, also contains subtle sound effects, or echoes as they are sometimes called. I don’t know if you are familiar with poetic terms or not, but the first line for example uses the device called ‘assonance’, which is the repetition of internal vowel sounds as found in ‘have’ and ‘dachshund’ and in line two, although the vowels are different (the ‘e’ and ‘i’) the words ‘he is’ have the same sound. In line three it happens in a group of three; ‘always chases badgers’. That line also contains echoes at the end of each word where the letter ‘s’ is used, (referred to as the repetition of consonant sounds, either internal and as endings) . In line four, we have assonance again (with the sounds of the letter ‘i’ ) in the words ‘which’ and ‘him’ and a very subtle consonance with the letter ‘h’ in both words.

In line five you have used the device called ‘alliteration’ where the first letter sound is repeated as in ‘he has’ and in line six, ‘funny floppy’ plus an extra echo (consonance) with the letter ‘y’ at the end of each word.

So, even though it was written when you were quite young, it has some interesting poetic devices, probably subconsciously written, that holds it together and makes it sound quite charming. If the flow was corrected it would sound even better, but don’t you dare change it, or you will lose that childhood feel about it. Mind you, I suppose you could re-write it to create a new poem based on the original.

With those subtle poetic devices pointed out, you might now read that poem in a different light and actually ‘feel’ the poetry coming though. I always enjoy reading children’s poetry, which are often quite naïve due to the lack of poetic understand, but they always come though in a sweet and charming way; they are honest pieces of writing that comes from the heart.

[pam]

Thank you Ron. You're right. I would never think of changing it as that was me at 11 years old.

I appreciate your honest thoughts on it and yes I did think you were being far too kind. But again, I don't know poetry. I wrote that poem as a required writing assignment in 5th grade. :)

[Guest]

Love it. :)