Should we get divorced?


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My husband and I were married Aug 11, 2012. The day we were married, everything changed on his end. He was no longer attracted to me, these are his words, I'm not sure what he means other than that he doesn't hug or kiss me, no cuddling. We don't spend anytime together, he just plays his video games all day when we're not in class. He says he knew we shouldn't get married but that everyone kept telling him that any two righteous people can make a marriage work. I have been working so hard to be the best that I can be, but I am never up to his standards. He will ask me to change xx and I will, but he won't notice, so I'll ask if he noticed, and he says no I didn't but that's great so can you change xxxx now. He admits that he has given up trying to make it work. He criticizes everything I do, and I can't even go to the bathroom without him questioning what I'm doing (while he's staring at his computer screen). The only thing he will agree to doing together is to play his online games, and I don't like them. Last year I played a little with him thinking that he would then do some things I like to do, but it only made him want to play more. So I stopped playing the games. I didn't even know he played games until after we got married. When we were dating we would watch movies and bake things together, but now he says he's never liked doing those things but that he was just doing them because he liked me and wanted to impress me. Now he won't do them at all. After he told me he's given up and doesn't see how it could get better, I have stopped trying. Apparently he stopped shortly after we got married, so I've just been wasting my time up until now. I am a convert of 2 years, so I can't talk to my family about this because they don't understand what a temple marriage entails. I have had to isolate from everyone, my family especially, because he doesn't approve of them and he says they messed up my head when I was growing up, but I just think he can't accept that we were raised differently. My mother-in-law called me out of nowhere after Christmas saying she noticed how disconnected we are, and that we're like oil and water and that she thinks we should get divorced because "sometimes you just need to let oil be oil and water be water and since we have no kids it's the best time to do it." We have talked to the bishop and stake president, and they say that what makes the difference is going to the temple. We have since they advised us, but on his end it's not making a difference.

I feel lied to and taken advantage of, and I just want to run away sometimes. I can't keep trying at this relationship anymore. A divorce is the last thing I ever wanted, but apparently I married a stranger. It's so embarrassing. I have talked a little with my mom, and she says that since I've met him I've "become an old grandma." She says I've lost all of my personality and individuality. I cried when she told me that, because I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not by adjusting to his ever changing standards. I can't keep up with who he wants me to be this week. If I don't live up to them, he threatens divorce. I don't want to be with someone else, but I don't want to be with him anymore. I just feel nothing inside anymore, I feel empty and used up.

Any advice or even just words of comfort? I'm suffocating.

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I'm sorry to say it, but I'd be willing to bet he is, especially since he has large periods of time where he's home alone. There are some telltale signs:

1. Doesn't find you attractive anymore. He's comparing you to a nonexistent impossible standard.

2. No matter how much you change or what you do, it's not enough. Again, impossible comparisons, but also deflecting his problem onto you. He's making it your fault that the marriage isn't working, but he's the one likely hiding something.

3. He says you're the one who is "messed up" because of your upbringing. Look up gaslighting.

The problem here isn't a guy who married the "wrong" woman. It's deeper within the guy, and unfortunately, I think you're caught in the crossfire. I'm sorry and I hope things work out for the best for you. I'd start with marriage counseling outside of your bishop's office, and if he's not willing to do that, counseling for yourself.

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We're only apart when we're in class at BYUI, and he's in the dining room while I'm in the living room for the rest of the day (where I can look over at him, and hear what he's doing). We get up at the same time, and he goes to be before me. He is on campus when I'm in class, and vise versa. The campus internet blocks everything but the kitchen sink, including online stores that sell bathing suits. I don't see how it would be possible for him to watch porn.

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My husband and I were married Aug 11, 2012. The day we were married, everything changed on his end. He was no longer attracted to me, these are his words, I'm not sure what he means other than that he doesn't hug or kiss me, no cuddling. We don't spend anytime together, he just plays his video games all day when we're not in class. He says he knew we shouldn't get married but that everyone kept telling him that any two righteous people can make a marriage work.

You married a boy, not a man.

Someone who gives into peer pressure on whom to marry... is someone who cannot make their own decisions.

Someone who would rather play video games instead of being a loving husband... is childish at best.

It also sounds like he got a case of "cooties" after your marriage.

I have been working so hard to be the best that I can be, but I am never up to his standards. He will ask me to change xx and I will, but he won't notice, so I'll ask if he noticed, and he says no I didn't but that's great so can you change xxxx now. He admits that he has given up trying to make it work. He criticizes everything I do, and I can't even go to the bathroom without him questioning what I'm doing (while he's staring at his computer screen). The only thing he will agree to doing together is to play his online games, and I don't like them. Last year I played a little with him thinking that he would then do some things I like to do, but it only made him want to play more. So I stopped playing the games. I didn't even know he played games until after we got married.

How long did you date?

When we were dating we would watch movies and bake things together, but now he says he's never liked doing those things but that he was just doing them because he liked me and wanted to impress me. Now he won't do them at all.

Looks like our little boy is having a kind of a tantrum.

You were worth impressing before... but not now? I wonder what really changed? Is there anything you're not telling us?

After he told me he's given up and doesn't see how it could get better, I have stopped trying. Apparently he stopped shortly after we got married, so I've just been wasting my time up until now. I am a convert of 2 years, so I can't talk to my family about this because they don't understand what a temple marriage entails.

The sealing covenant is to preserve your marriage into the next life. However, the day-to-day aspects of marriage are the same. Ideally, your marriage covenant gives you BOTH reasons to strive to work things out.

Doesn't always work out that way.

I have had to isolate from everyone, my family especially, because he doesn't approve of them and he says they messed up my head when I was growing up, but I just think he can't accept that we were raised differently.

That can be a "divide and conquer" mentality of abusers. I'm not saying there is abuse, but I will say that this is not healthy.

My mother-in-law called me out of nowhere after Christmas saying she noticed how disconnected we are, and that we're like oil and water and that she thinks we should get divorced because "sometimes you just need to let oil be oil and water be water and since we have no kids it's the best time to do it." We have talked to the bishop and stake president, and they say that what makes the difference is going to the temple. We have since they advised us, but on his end it's not making a difference.

Ecclesiastical advice is helpful, but realize that they are not trained marriage counselors, or mental help therapists.

Maybe his mother needs to slap her son upside the head. But if you always have to resort to that... then it's further proof that you married a boy.

I feel lied to and taken advantage of, and I just want to run away sometimes. I can't keep trying at this relationship anymore. A divorce is the last thing I ever wanted, but apparently I married a stranger. It's so embarrassing. I have talked a little with my mom, and she says that since I've met him I've "become an old grandma." She says I've lost all of my personality and individuality. I cried when she told me that, because I feel like I'm trying to be someone I'm not by adjusting to his ever changing standards. I can't keep up with who he wants me to be this week. If I don't live up to them, he threatens divorce. I don't want to be with someone else, but I don't want to be with him anymore. I just feel nothing inside anymore, I feel empty and used up.

Any advice or even just words of comfort? I'm suffocating.

Brethren, We Have Work to Do - general-conference

We cannot afford husbands and fathers who fail to provide spiritual leadership in the home. We cannot afford to have those who exercise the Holy Priesthood, after the Order of the Son of God, waste their strength in pornography or spend their lives in cyberspace (ironically being of the world while not being in the world).

He needs to hear this talk... if he's open to it.

However, I still wonder if something happened to him shortly after your marriage. Maybe a fight? I don't know, but something 'snapped' in him, and you both need to figure it out.

Based solely on your post... you married a boy who showed you a good time. It takes a real man to make a marriage work.

Take this from the divorced guy. Even men can fail in marriage... but you have to be a man just to having a fighting chance of making it work.

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This may not be everyone's approach but it would be mine - until he does some changing of his own, the gaming system would disappear. It's about being proactive not reactive.

He's an adult. You can't just take his toys away.

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This may not be everyone's approach but it would be mine - until he does some changing of his own, the gaming system would disappear. It's about being proactive not reactive.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

that would just cause more problems then it would solve

knowing many of the sad and pathetic dregs of male society and their addiction to video games, they are generally hopeless

if he doesn't want to change/thinks he is not in the wrong, then he never will

and in many cases, they care for their video games more then their significant other

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My random thoughts:

I see no sense in changing any further for him. It's his job to accept who you are. He isn't here for me to tell him that, but I'm telling you that, unless you see a change benefitting you or the marriage, don't bother changing.

That being said, don't be too obstinate. Be loving, be caring, try your best to be a good wife. Just don't be a doormat.

Don't isolate yourself from friends and family. You need them, especially now.

Hugs. I hope things end up for the better no matter how they go.

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You can't really tell by hearing one side of the story here.

I'd like to have the husband come here and talk about the state of their marriage, and what he wants out of married life, and what he sees as the major problems.

Then I would have a better chance of giving some relevant advice.

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Work on you. Your universe doesn't have to revolve around him at this time. Pretty yourself up, do fun things with friends and family, do well in your studies, and put yourself into your Church callings. Serve others. But don't forget about your husband. Love him the best way you can on your own terms. If you desire undivided adoring attention from somebody, don't seek it with another guy... having a pet (a dog especially, or a siberian russian cat) can fill this void.

Give yourself some time to be "whole". And then when you get there, we can reassess your marriage and see if your husband is ready to "man up".

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See a professional marriage counselor (from outside of the church). Do not be scared of the possibility of divorce if your issues cannot be resolved. Life is too short to be in miserable marriage.

How about just find a good and highly recommended marriage counselor? There are great counselors in and out of the Church and the Church systems.

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Thoughts from a marriage counselor:

Beccanne,

Yes continue to work on improving yourself. Marriage counseling for both of you (or just for yourself if he doesn't go) could be helpful.

The proclamation states that "Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."

You are a daughter of God, and deserve to be treated with respect. From what you have said, your husband is not being respectful of you. He is demanding changes, ignoring you, and not investing in his relationship. It is perfectly okay to put your foot down and say, "It is not okay for you to treat me that way. I am a daughter of God, please treat me as such." Don't get angry, but be firm. Don't attack him, but be assertive.

Work at not whining or being defensive. If you are talking about him and he changes the subject be firm and say, "We can talk about ______ later, right now we are talking about _______."

Go into your bathroom, look yourself in the mirror and say, "I am a daughter of God, and and heiress of His Kingdom." Repeat it back until you believe. Talk to your husband with confidence, firmness, assertiveness, and love. You can do this. Stay strong!

Edited by SoCal_Counselor
punctuation issues.
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See a professional marriage counselor (from outside of the church). Do not be scared of the possibility of divorce if your issues cannot be resolved. Life is too short to be in miserable marriage.

I would amend this to say - "See a FEW professional marriage counselors until you have found the best one for both of you."

At least those with LDS Family Services understand and can incorporate the gospel in the context of the relationship. Not saying that you can't find one outside of LDS Family Services, but it can make things easier.

Don't knock it until you've tried it. And yes, I've been to both.

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