How to go about bringing my sister back to the church?

[SenSixB]

I need some advice as to how to bring my younger sister back to church. Its just me and her as far as siblings go. We were both raised LDS, I had a period of inactivity about 10 years, and last October, my husband and I took our four kids through the temple to be sealed. And for a few years now I have gotten this impression which I now recognize to be the HG, telling me, there was a someone out there. Be it a missionary or what I didn't know, that could reach my sister, and also my best friend since kindergarten, who is a non member. I have previously contacted missionaries in my sisters area, (she at the time lived with my parents) and nothing really came of it and I didn't feel I was taken to seriously. But lately over the past year I've come to realize that I AM the person to get to both of them. But, I'm not the most knowledgable of people about the church and I have always struggled with getting my points across. Anyways, my struggle is my sister, she is 27 single mom of a 3 year old girl. When she was 16 she was raped, and shortly there after developed a drug problem. Since having her daughter 3 years ago she has toned it down to just marijuana and alcohol, but still swears like a sailor, she has I'd say at least 50% of her body tattoo'd which I am convinced is her own form of "cutting", she is very stubborn, and can be close minded. The real "her" is a good person and very generous and caring and sensitive. But she has this alter ego we refer to as "easy-e", which includes a very tough exterior shell. She has told me that she does still believe in the church and has on occasion defended it to people being disrespectful towards it, but that she just doesn't feel like following all the rules. She lives with her boyfriend who is also a member, but is also inactive, but seems like a decent guy. I really just don't know where to even start with her. I try to talk to her about things, and I know the key with her is to not sound judgemental or critical, or be pushy at all, she is one of those that it has to be "her idea". The trick is getting that "idea" in her head. My mom has tried the guilt trick on her which worked with me, in reminding me that I am both responsible and accountable for my children learning the gospel, but my sister takes great offense to the thought, of her being separated from her daughter in the next life, just because she isn't a perfect mormon. Anyways this is very long, but I felt giving her history was appropriate in explaining why I feel stumped as to what to do. I am full of stories, and scriptures and talks and everything, but I have to get her to the point that she can accept that its important to come back to church first. So any advice anyone can give me would be appreciated. Thank you.

Edited February 19, 2014 by SenSixB

[Guest]

I wish I knew.

Invite her to activities. Involve her in your family's religious celebrations. When you feel the time is right, ask her to go to church with you. Talk to the missionaries in your ward and get their advice.

I think you probably have more influence on her than I have with my 2 older siblings who left the church.

Good luck.

[SenSixB]

I try to set a good example for her, and I tried to get her to come to the temple when we were sealed but she had to work. The first time I "REALLY" felt the spirit was when I was 18 standing outside the temple when my cousin got married. I was hoping for something like that with her...no go...I just wish there was some way that I could get some of the info I have found for her to her without knowing it was from me. Not to try to trick her but make it seem like a coincidence, like a talk with some profound message that will make her say...hmmm I need to get my crap together.

[skippy740]

I try to talk to her about things, and I know the key with her is to not sound judgemental or critical, or be pushy at all, she is one of those that it has to be "her idea". The trick is getting that "idea" in her head.

Since I happen to be one of "those people"... let me help you.

First, love her for her, regardless of her choices. She needs to sense that you love her for who she is, right now. If she gets the sense that you're trying to "fix her"... it's all over.

Second, to get that idea in her head... you need to be subtle. Perhaps send her an article, picture of the family, email link, whatever... and just attach a simple note like "I read this and thought of you" kind of a note. It would help if the message does NOT directly relate to her and her situation. Just enough to let the Gospel into her heart for a few moments. Do it on occasion, not every day.

For example, if I were a prospective missionary RESISTANT to serving... I would NOT send a special Ensign magazine dedicated to missionary work. It would go RIGHT into the trash without a second thought.

Third, when do you talk with her, let HER bring up gospel topics, not you. If you do it, it may come across like 'nagging'... and she'll think that's all you want out of her.

Fourth, there are NO "magic words or phrases" that will "work". There are only actions that can help produce "magic". There is no quick fix for this... only by small and simple means are great things brought to pass. (Where have I heard that before?)

Fifth, after a while (a few months), try to contact her ward's Relief Society President and see about getting her some active visiting teachers... and maybe even to be called as a visiting teacher herself. Sometimes a feeling of being needed is helpful to get one to live within the commandments.

Hope this helps!

[notquiteperfect]

Honestly, what came to my mind is prayer, fasting, showing her that you're happier and more at peace in your life now and an occasional mention of what's working for you and why. I also think patience is going to be key as it may take years and you may not see any progress for some time.

All the best!

[Sunday21]

What my friends did to encourage me into activity was tell me that I was needed at an event, to look after kids, put make-up on participants, fetch and carry. It worked. I could not resist a call for help. I am currently using the same strategy on my sister.

[McLainDow]

Love your sister. The Lord works best through people who's greatest goal is to love their neighbor.

[Lakumi]

What my friends did to encourage me into activity was tell me that I was needed at an event, to look after kids, put make-up on participants, fetch and carry. It worked. I could not resist a call for help. I am currently using the same strategy on my sister.

That would have probably been my reaction once upon a time

I'm generally nicer now lol

[classylady]

Just love her. Accept her for who she is. If an opportunity rises for you to share your feelings about the church, then share it, but don't force it on her.

With my sister who has gone inactive, I remember many years ago how she had once mentioned "I have always tried to do the right thing and choose the right". Which was true. During high school she was on the Seminary Council. She was able to get her boyfriend activated and they were sealed in the temple. After their marriage he used his job as an excuse and stopped attending church meetings. She attended church every Sunday without her husband and always took her six children. After more than twenty years of marriage, she divorced her husband. And then she went inactive. I haven't asked her why and she hasn't confided in me about it. I have a feeling that she felt she wasn't given any support in her divorce and her bishop sided with her husband. I talk to her about church matter-of-factly as if she still has a testimony. Which I think she still has. And I have even repeated back to her what she told me so long ago, "You have always tried to do the right thing in choosing the right". And she grasped that message, and said "yes, yes I have".

I'm going to continue to try to give her subtle reminders of her testimony. I pray for her to have her heart softened towards the Gospel.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think the best thing you can do is love her unconditionally. Don't push her, but never stop praying and hoping.

It is human nature to back away when we feel pushed into doing something, and it is also our nature to be curious when left to make our own choices.

[Sunday21]

I think one of our greatest strengths is the kindness of mormon women. My ward has a bunch of very kind sisters. My, non mormon, sister was really impressed by the kindness of sisters that she met while helping us out. Perhaps your sister could sit in when your visiting teachers come around? My sister is very impressed with the concept of the vt program. I have had some bad experiences with bishops myself and it can take awhile to get over. If you have sensible bishop now, meeting him may help. I have offered up my bishop as a free counsellor with some success. Perhaps your sister needs a favor - being taught a craft, help with gardening? Sometimes meeting Mormons outside of church, is the way to go.

[debi56]

Hi SenSixB,

I can understand both sides as I used to be inactive and now that I am active, I have children that are inactive.

When I was in inactive I had siblings except one all with good intent that would try to shame me, talk down to me etc. and the only thing it did is was make me feel worse about myself or put a wall up between myself and them. The ONLY sibling that didn't do any of those is my little sister. She accepted me unconditionally but always remembered me in her prayers, at the temple; she fasted for me and knew that I would come around when I was ready and not when others were ready. I told her once that I wanted to be like her when I grew up, LOL. I always knew the church was true and defended it just like your sister does. I finally did come back and have gone through the temple and am active. Now I deal with what you are dealing with. I want my children to come back to church, I have 8 children and only one of them; my youngest who is 17 now is the only one that is active. When my children ask me what I want for Christmas or my birthday or Mothers' day; I say "I want my children to come back to church". They refuse and I don't get mad or offended and then go onto something else. I love my children with all my heart and want to be sealed to them, but things happen in the Lords' time not mine.

I really believe that we are supposed to learn from challenges or trials that we face. Maybe you are supposed to learn patience, long suffering etc from this also. It can be really hard to stay positive but try to and let her see that in you. If you are at peace, she will feel that and want it also. Don't think for one minute that she isn't watching or that she isn't listening, she is. Our fight or flight mode comes into effect when we feel backed into a corner and when it comes to the Gospel and wanting our family or a loved one to come back to the fold we don't want to see them either to fight or flight. Try sharing something with her that you learned in church that you think is awesome and tell her about it as if sharing something, and not as if you are preaching. Offer to take her children to church, when the Primary has a special program she might go just to see her children.

Always pray to be a tool in the Lords' hands and ask for guidance in helping her to find her way back. You were inactive and you came back, she will too but it will be when she has felt the spirit. Always know that Heavenly Father is in charge and loves her even more than you do. Be an example and just love her.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I am preaching or talking down to you, that was not my intent. Good luck and keep us informed on how things are going. Another piece of advice is keep a good sense of humor and a smile on your face. Satan loves negativity and he will feed on that and do what he can to push that button. I read once; Keep a smile on your face, satan can't read your thoughts so he will always think you are being positive and he hates that. :)