Mormon/Evangelical Marriage


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My girlfriend is a Mormon widow with 5 children. He husband passed away, (tragically no less) 3.5 years ago. She is very active in her Ward, as are the children. I am divorced with 3 kids, and I attend a Wesleyan Church which I am very active in.

We are close to an engagement stage, and I love this woman with all my heart. I feel God brought us together. Is there anyone who an provide insights into successful marriages between Mormons/non-Mormon Christians?

I know she and I struggle some with her sealing to her deceased husband. Her children are young and need a father. The 5+3 all are equal in age and get along well.

I would appreciate any thoughtful insight.

Bill in NC

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Hi Wolfpack and welcome,

Are you willing to support your wife and her children in paying tithing to the LDS church? Are you willing to support them in church attendance, weekly activities, and living an LDS lifestyle? Are you willing to financially support her children in going on missions when they are of age? Are you willing to support the word of wisdom in the home (no alcohol, tobacco, drugs)? Family home evening? Family prayers? Are you willing to support her children in getting sealed in the temple?

If so, then I can ask you my question I ask anyone considering a second marriage.

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We have discussed in depth the religious question. We are both comfortable with our decisions to support eachother and our churches. I have no issues with tithing. Obviously we will split our 10% equally between the churches.... And then some.

I drink coffee and won't change that. She says she's fine with that. She drinks diet sodas and I don't!!!hahahaha. But I'm fine with that.

My thoughts often center around blending children and families. "J" is a very intelligent woman with an advanced degree and career. I am a professional pilot and travel often. We are both adults 46/37 and have given this relationship over to God. I truly desire his blessing on our future.

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My kids would be with their maternal mother while I'm gone. But I have no issues with the kids going to church together. I actually encourage it. I don't want them feeling they belong to seperated camps. That's not what Jesus tought. We are all his children, and we should exhibit his love for the church with our own families first... Correct?

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I guess I get to ask the evangelical questions...Have you discussed this with your pastor? Is your congregation (or at least its leadership) supporting you in this? Are you convinced this is an "equally yoked" relationship? Yes, you said you believe God led you to this. If so, do you consider LDS to be yet another Christian denomination, perhaps quasi-evangelical? You may start be keeping your respective children in separate churches, but what happens if one of yours wants to go to hers? What about the other way--will she accept her children going to your church, if they want?

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Hi wolfpackpilot,

Good answers! You're holding up pretty well to the 3rd degree we're giving you here. :lol:

My thoughts often center around blending children and families. "J" is a very intelligent woman with an advanced degree and career. I am a professional pilot and travel often. We are both adults 46/37 and have given this relationship over to God. I truly desire his blessing on our future.
I have to admit it's very rare to encounter someone with a question on getting married, who actually gives one second's thought to the existing children's needs. And here you are, all bringing up their needs and thinking about them and everything. I find that comforting, and certainly a point in your favor.

My second question I ask people thinking about remarriage, is "divorce rates for 2nd marriages are much higher than first marriages. Since you weren't able to hold your first marriage together, what makes you think you can make the second one work, when the odds are even more stacked against you?"

So I'm just some faceless random internet stranger, and you don't answer to me. But you dang well need to have a good answer that makes sense to you, or all you're doing is inviting your future second ex-wife's kids to form attachments with you, so you can rip them to shreds. And that, to put it bluntly, really, really sucks for them. They've already endured one breakup - if they lose you too, you're basically guaranteeing that they will never have a successful marriage of their own. Consider carefully.

So hey, if you can look at yourself in the mirror and have a good answer to all that, then who am I to stand in your way? I'd be happy to attend your wedding and celebrate and root for you and support you both. I've seen blended families work. I've also seen many successful marriages where one spouse is gone quite a lot. It can work.

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Hi Wolfpack and welcome,

Are you willing to support your wife and her children in paying tithing to the LDS church? Are you willing to support them in church attendance, weekly activities, and living an LDS lifestyle? Are you willing to financially support her children in going on missions when they are of age? Are you willing to support the word of wisdom in the home (no alcohol, tobacco, drugs)? Family home evening? Family prayers? Are you willing to support her children in getting sealed in the temple?

I was going to flip this around and ask the OP how his intended would answer all these same questions. Then PC basically did that.

I guess I get to ask the evangelical questions...Have you discussed this with your pastor? Is your congregation (or at least its leadership) supporting you in this? Are you convinced this is an "equally yoked" relationship? Yes, you said you believe God led you to this. If so, do you consider LDS to be yet another Christian denomination, perhaps quasi-evangelical? You may start be keeping your respective children in separate churches, but what happens if one of yours wants to go to hers? What about the other way--will she accept her children going to your church, if they want?

PC, though it's a Biblical reference, I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone outside the LDS Church use the phrased "equally yoked" in this context before, but it's a perfect description of how two partners in a marriage should be.

I remember reading once (no reference, so don't quote me on this), that two people who are active, happy, and faithful in different religions from each other are much more likely to succeed in a relationship than are one person who is active, happy, and faithful in a religion and a partner who either doesn't believe or doesn't care. So I'd say you have that on your side.

You value your membership in your own church. You actively choose to participate. You feel it gives you strength and meaning in life. None of that means that you're likely to pull your girlfriend away from her church, but rather, that you're more likely to support and encourage her in her own religion, because she also values her membership, actively chooses to participate, and finds strength and meaning from her faith. Would it be easier if your beliefs and practices were more closely aligned? Sure. But as long as you can both agree to some ground rules (maybe...no dating for the kids until they're 16, or no alcohol in the house, or observing Lent, etc.) for the whole family, you can make it work.

Since no one has yet addressed your comment about her sealing to her previous husband, I'll touch on it briefly. Do you believe in eternal marriage? That is, marriage "for time and all eternity" as opposed to simply "until death do us part." A temple sealing uses the former language, not the latter. Personally, I think it's appropriate for her sealing to remain intact to her late husband, particularly since she had children with him. If you don't believe in eternal marriage, then (theoretically) it shouldn't bother you. She's a widow, which means she will always love her late husband. She'll likely even want to keep pictures of him around the house. It wasn't a nasty divorce, or a bad situation that she's happy to be out of (I assume). Are you okay with that? Are you okay with pictures of him and her being on display? A final word on the sealing, and this is something that is usually told to second wives who can't cope with their fiance's ex still being sealed to him: God won't make us live for eternity in a situation that we are unhappy with. All-knowing as He is, He will sort things out in the hereafter.

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Have you discussed this with your pastor? Is your congregation (or at least its leadership) supporting you in this? Are you convinced this is an "equally yoked" relationship? Yes, you said you believe God led you to this. If so, do you consider LDS to be yet another Christian denomination, perhaps quasi-evangelical? You may start be keeping your respective children in separate churches, but what happens if one of yours wants to go to hers? What about the other way--will she accept her children going to your church, if they want?

As a strong Christian man, I believe in letting God guide and direct me, and thus my family next to me (notice I didnt use the word "below" me). We have discussed the core basic beliefs that make a person a true Christian, saved and sealed to God in heaven. I believe 'J" is such a person. I do not, nor will I follow Mormon doctrine, as I am not one. I will be supportive and nonjudgmental of her faith. To say we are of different religions is a deal breaker with me, and I do NOT feel that way. On the surface I will not judge Mormons and attempt to determine their salvation, (all denominations have less than perfect people). I will simply take them on their word that Christ is their personal savior and they believe he died for their sins. There is but one way to the Father... Through Jesus Christ our Lord. She is willing to embrace my church and friends as well, (she will have to move 90 miles north of where she is now) and join a new ward. I like the fact that she has told her family and friends to back off the converting approach with me, and respect my beliefs and I do hers. Shes a rock solid woman!

The children should be a family unit with no lines seperating them. This will be challenging as 5 will be with us full time, and 3 part time. They will however see eachother in school everyday. Im on this forum looking for people who can help give advice... But I appreciate the questions, LOL.

Someone asked about my divorce... Ive had 2, not one. Both were devastating, and without God, I would be gone by now. That being said, J had a wonderful 13 year marriage to a man she loved and admired. So that makes me very happy. She of all people in our relationship actually has the keys to success in her hand. She knows what it feels and looks like. Her husband left behind 5 wonderful kids... the home would be full of pictures and thnigs to remind them of who their father was. Any man who couldnt live with that certainly doesnt need to date a widow. She loved him for goodness sake.

I do believe that in heaven there will be some type of family structure we are familiar with (this is my own personal feeling). Im not sure I can accept the sealing process the LDS church follows, (once again, Im not a Mormon) but I do believe we will see and have relationships with our loved ones on the other side. For the past month I have read more material from the LDS church than you can imagine, mostly to gain an understanding of the church beliefs. Its difficult to wrap my mind around the whole sealing process and outcome in heaven... thats all.

Bill

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No one? Anybody?

Surely someone knows someone who could offer advice on my situation?

Sounds like you have already discussed many good things with your girlfriend and from what you have said appear to be on the same page. Keep in mind that being LDS is not just something you do on Sundays, its a lifestyle.

Having said all that, only you and she can decide.

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Wolfpackpilot, I pray blessing upon your family. Perhaps the best on-going counsel (though this place is a great sounding board) will come from your church's clergy (or in-house counselors), and from the bishop of the ward your family will be active in. Perhaps by speaking to leaders of both houses of worship you'll have an even better vantage point to succeed from.

There is a book that was recommended to me by an LDS member here, that might give you insights as well. It's called "How Wide the Divide: A Mormon and an Evangelical in Conversation." The authors (Blomberg & Robinson) are professors, one from Brigham Young University, the other from Denver Seminary. It does a fine job of showing points of agreement, and areas of doctrine that divide us. That it has been sold by LDS vendors (Deseret), Evangelical ones (Christianbooks.com) and secular (Amazon) speaks to its objectivity and integrity. Personally, I get them used at Amazon for about $5.

How Wide the Divide?: A Mormon & an Evangelical in Conversation: Craig L. Blomberg, Stephen E. Robinson: 9780830819911: Amazon.com: Books

Edited by prisonchaplain
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Because I am a step mother to two children, plus have five children with my husband, I have read a lot of internet articles on remarriage, step parenting, blending families, etc. A second marriage where children are involved is very hard. Thus, the higher percentage rate of divorce in a second marriage. If you can get beyond the five year mark than the divorce rate goes down, and second marriages can be mutually satisfying. I can't possibly post all the internet sites, but look up key words like remarriage, step family, step parenting, problems with step children, etc. There are some great articles.

If the two of you get married, keep in mind, that because of your children, your ex wife will always be a factor in your marriage. You will have to discuss visitation, vacations, illnesses, etc. with the ex. This is hard for many second wives to handle, and they may feel that their husbands spend too much time with the ex. Boundaries with the ex needs to be set up and in place. (Wish my husband and I had known that prior to our marriage). And because of the guilt factor of the kids not living with him, the bio father often does not want to cause his children any distress when he is with them, so discipline goes out the window. I really advise looking up blogs and articles on the internet on second marriages and step families. You will get a good idea of what problems may occur. Plus, a marriage counselor prior to marriage may even be helpful.

Some things I have learned with being a step parent:

Allow the children to love their bio parent. Don't expect them to accept you as their father. They already have a father. Same goes for your children, they have a mother.

Even though you may love your step children, that does not necessarily mean they will love you back.

Do not give preferential treatment to any of the children.

Just because the children all get along now, does not mean they will continue to feel that way later.

Put your spouse first. Of course, if the children are abused, then their needs come first. But the marriage is number one priority. Not the children. Before you know it, the children will be grown and gone.

Good luck. You will need it.

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I married a man who was very active and had grown up LDS. He was sealed to his ex-wife in the Temple. I was raised Lutheran and was very clear that I would not convert. We have had a very happy marriage thus far..have two children together. I will tell you it was hard once we had our son how to reconcile to two faiths...they are so different re: grace, works etc...all things I'm sure you know by know. Through much prayer and scripture study I converted to the LDS church. I don't have much advice about keeping the separate faiths. The LDS faith is also very much a culture as it a faith (sorry-but I have found that to be very true). I don't have any specific advice...but I do know that it is hard to remain a two faith household.

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No one? Anybody?

Surely someone knows someone who could offer advice on my situation?

Having read your posts, it doesnt sound like you need any advice. You have obviously thought this through and have considered the needs of all involved. I strongly commend you for that. I dont think the different views of faith would be a serious problem, as it is obvious you both place your faith in christ as your savior and redeemer.

Stay close to the Lord, and stay close to your girlfriend. Pray. You are on a good path already.

Good luck

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The LDS faith is one that intermarries well...

In no small part because of our belief that after death, everyone has the chance to accept the Father on His terms.

Not that people won't be trying to convert you off and on until then... But we don't believe you're going to Hell (or purgatory) if you aren't baptized into the faith. Nor will your children, you and your wife's future children (if any), etc.

So there's both less, ah, urgency. Not to mention a great deal less fear. So less anger.

A lot of the problems that crop up in interfaith marriages, in my observation, stem from those fears. By parents, siblings, priests, and everyone who loves the person marrying outside of the faith. As well as the individuals themselves.

If you posed the same questions you have on a board of a different faith... You may well see dozens, if not hundreds from time to time, of responses. Marrying outside of some faiths can have dire consequences spiritually... Which means huge problems in the family, socially, etc..

With us, we'll be dragging you out for BBQs, and service projects to clear away blackberries, and peppering you with (actual curiosity driven, not argument driven) questions about your own faith. We'll be peppering your wife with questions about how wonderful you are, and how are the kids, and do she or the kids need any work done for them (priesthood stuff, mostly).

We believe Heavenly Father loves you.

We believe Heavenly Father loves your kids.

Regardless of what faith you are.

And while we can get annoying (most of our missionaries are apx 19yo, remember, they're quite keen, and rotate around a lot)... It's actually PART of our faith to respect other religions.

#11 in the articles of faith :

We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

&

#13

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

Heck, even on this board, one of the moderators on this board is clergy for a different branch of Christianity... And we've got quite a few non-members, as well. Respecting others, and their agency, is very much a core value in the church.

______

Will there be challenges? Absolutely.

The big ones / common ones that crop up you've already been shared with.

If you're waiting for the other shoe to drop... There just isn't one.

No firestorm, or angry mob with torches trying to talk you (or her) out of things.

Welcome!

Q

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We have discussed in depth the religious question. We are both comfortable with our decisions to support eachother and our churches. I have no issues with tithing. Obviously we will split our 10% equally between the churches.... And then some.

I drink coffee and won't change that. She says she's fine with that. She drinks diet sodas and I don't!!!hahahaha. But I'm fine with that.

My thoughts often center around blending children and families. "J" is a very intelligent woman with an advanced degree and career. I am a professional pilot and travel often. We are both adults 46/37 and have given this relationship over to God. I truly desire his blessing on our future.

I just want to point out that the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint is the entire 10% goes toward the church, not half.

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Thank you Quin and MissMolly...

Perhaps Jess and I will share a blog together... The challenges will be there, but the rewards are worth it! We compliment eachother very well. In the end, our faith in Christ is what gives us hope for a future. We share that view, and it is central to both churches.

I look forward to cooking BBQ for my new BIG mormon family, and I know after they get comfortable around me... the real fun will begin!!!! LOL Ive reached out to the Bishop in her new Ward and we are going to meet for a non hot caffine beverage next week!

Bill in NC

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I just want to point out that the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint is the entire 10% goes toward the church, not half.

We will take 10% of our household income and tithe that amount to our respective churches (50/50). If it becomes a problem with the LDS church, we can simply split her income out of the equation and tithe that seperately to the LDS church. My earnings are 4 times hers, so it would benefit the LDS church to go with option 1.

I am all in this relationship, totally committed. My willingness to split our household income 10% tithe to the churches shows that.

Respectfully,

Bill

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I haven't been married, my mother died when I was very young, 3 yrs old. My father got remarried when I was almost 18, my brother was 15 1/2 yrs old. From my experience It is hard to mix two familys together (the children) may have a hard time of it, and can cause a lot of stress to the union. It takes time to blend the two families children together, it takes time, patience and love but it can be done....

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I just want to point out that the teaching of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saint is the entire 10% goes toward the church, not half.

This is only true of the wife's increase, as far as the church is concerned. wolfpackpilot or any non-LDS person has no obligation to pay tithes to the LDS church as they have made no covenant to do so. It sounds like he has already covenanted to pay tithes to his own church which is perfectly fine. The bishop will not hold his wife responsible for that, and she will be a full tithe payer however they decide to pay to the Lord.

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