Can you be a "good" member of the Church and not want to go to church?


MormonMama
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I've never heard of this "twice a month" rule. For good reason, I think, circumstances can vary so greatly...not just distances to a temple, health issues, work schedules....all sorts of other things.

I had a temple recommend (temple close by) and didn't use it for three years. I know this might be hard for some people to understand, but I felt so much shame because of child abuse that going to the temple was too painful. I sobbed through an endowment session and an initiatory session...before I decided to stop torturing myself. It was such an awful time. The place that had been a place of peace for me, was no longer a haven. Awful time.

But happily, I have now resumed temple attendance, and I feel peace there once again. My point is, that it would NOT have helped me to have my Bishop take my recommend away because I wasn't using it.

In order to be considered worthy for a temple recommend you need to attend at least twice a month

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Guest LiterateParakeet
I think what Palerider was saying that you need to be attending sacrament and your other meetings at least twice a month if you want to receive a recommend. I don't think he was saying that you have to attend the temple twice a month in order to keep your recommend. Obviously, that would be impossible for some people because of sheerest distance from tha temple.

Oh, yeah. :) I agree with that. Thanks for clarifying.

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Guest LiterateParakeet
In order to be considered worthy for a temple recommend you need to attend at least twice a month

Attend what? That is the question. :) If you mean attending Sacrament meeting, then I agree, no problem. I thought you meant attend the temple--that is where my confusion and disagreement came in.

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MormonMama, I kind of get where you are coming from.

I'm of two hearts on the subject: I love the Church community. I love "Mormon culture". I love going to a place where I can find like-minded believers.

But... I'm also one of those people who too often find church meetings "boring". Now, rarely do I find all three hours boring because I do try to make the effort to listen to the Spirit and there's almost always that golden nugget. This still does not change my general opinion that three hours of church can get dull. And yes, I'm the type that, for no real reason, will take a Sunday off every now and then.

Yet if I go too long without attending church, I feel it.

You don't have to be super social at church (I'm not). You don't have to be listening to every word with baited breath. Frankly, I'm the sort who will occasionally read scriptures during church services and not just because that's where the lesson isl

There's an old story of a pastor who had a member of the congregation who stopped attending services. This man explained to the pastor during a home visit that he felt he could better study the gospel at home. The pastor went to the fire, pulled a coal from the flames, and they both watched it continue to burn for a short time before quietly fizzling out.

The moral of the story: A good community is crucial for spiritual development and that is why attending church is important.

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Okay, there are 2 great commandments:

1.) Love God.

2.) Love your neighbors as yourself.

All other covenants/commandments are contained within these 2 commandments.

The first one is easily understood.

The second one is where good people get tripped up. If all we think about is our comfort, we can't love our neighbors. It is necessary to be with our neighbors to be able to love them. Love is service. So yes, we show our love for God by reading scriptures, studying the gospel, fulfilling our convenants - and partaking of the Sacrament. But then we need to think about loving others like ourselves. And Christ showed us exactly what that entails when he knelt down and washed his apostles' feet.

So yes, we learn and understand the gospel by reading it at home. Alone. And we get filled with the Spirit. There are others who don't understand it and can benefit from you sharing what you know in Sunday School. Or Relief Society.

And this is the perfect time to pull one of my favorite quotes from Two Weeks Notice: "Not everything is about you." :)

I 100% agree.

Charity requires the focus to be away from self and I think that is the underlying motive for church attendance and second to participate in the sacrament and thirdly to learn and feel the spirit. I have found myself to be more regular with meetings when charity is the primary reason and when I go out of my way to recognize and interact, even in a small way, with everyone around me.

A few years ago we had a problem in our ward of the young women leaving right after sacrament and not attending the other meetings. The solution was to make sure that we as a presidency knew every one of those girls at a personal level. I knew where they went to school, who their friends were, how they were doing in school, what they liked to do in their spare time etc., then they started to come. And they knew that we had an interest in them, not just an interest in whether they attended or not. Not every one of them but quite a few returned.

In the next life, I think we will find that most of our joy comes from the success of others as it is with God, His glory is in bringing about the immortality and eternal life of man. We sometimes need to learn how to like that kind of joy by first being interested in anothers well being, then we will be a good fit for the Celestial Kingdom. The Telestial Kingdom is for those that prefer to be distant as one star differs from another. Sometimes that desire doesn't come naturally and we have to learn to like it.

I never want to ask myself, "am I my brother's keeper?" as that is the opposite attitude from charity.

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I would so pity any church people trying to relate to me...

I can picture the Missionaries bringing in some and talking to one another....

"Alright we got these ...horrific dolls to make Lakumi feel more at ease, he really seems to love them..."

"I am so afraid I am not gonna lie!"

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I have a confession to make: I really don't like going to church. It's not that I don't love or believe in the Church. I do. I just have no interest in going to a physical location to "fellowship with the Saints" or anything like that. I'm much happier staying home reading the scriptures, watching Conference videos, etc.

I've always been a loner and never liked groups of people. I prefer to be alone. I'm someone who could probably be happy living on a deserted island. I love being with my husband and kids and, to a lesser extent, my extended family, but that's it. I feel no need to socialize with others. I've always been this way.

To me, going to church feels like it interferes with my personal immersion in the Gospel. I prefer to study and read on my own, without interruptions that being around others brings. Am I wrong for feeling this way? I know one of the temple recommend questions is "Do you attend your church meetings regularly" (if I remember right). I have to admit that I don't attend regularly and when I do attend it's out of a feeling of obligation and I don't enjoy it at all.

Do I just need to suck it up and force myself to get past this? I've been a member for over 18 years and I've always felt this way. Again, it's not the Church itself. I absolutely believe it's true. I just don't feel a need to physically go sit with others.

Sure. that's something I have to deal with every sunday for various reasons. and ya sometimes you have to kick yourself in the rear to go.

Looking back every time I've gone to church I have not regretted it. Certainly there were moments where i wished I wasn't there or was in a different room, but I haven't regretted any of it.

The devil really works on making you drop the small things- praying, reading scriptures, going to church.

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Maybe you could do something to make you feel a part of church meetings more like participate in the lessons in Sunday school and Relief Society.

I currently serve in the Nursery so I don't get to go to those meetings. I did participate when I went to them though.

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You don't have to be super social at church (I'm not). You don't have to be listening to every word with baited breath. Frankly, I'm the sort who will occasionally read scriptures during church services and not just because that's where the lesson isl

I sometimes read scriptures during Sacrament Meeting as well. I do try to pay attention to the speakers, as I'd feel bad if they saw me reading while they were talking.

But honestly, sometimes I have to leave the chapel and just go for a walk or something. I just feel so crowded in there. I really don't like being around so many people, even for an hour.

That's one of the things I love about serving in the Nursery: a lot less people and they are smaller! ^_^

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Charity requires the focus to be away from self and I think that is the underlying motive for church attendance and second to participate in the sacrament and thirdly to learn and feel the spirit. I have found myself to be more regular with meetings when charity is the primary reason and when I go out of my way to recognize and interact, even in a small way, with everyone around me.

I guess I just wonder what others get out of me sitting in Sacrament Meeting? Aside from my family, of course. I could see it if I was giving a talk. And I don't really get to socialize with other members because I have to leave a few minutes early to get the Nursery set up. So except for the parents of my Nursery kids, I have almost no interaction with other adults at church.

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I don't like going to church either (sorry, guys). I have Asperger's Syndrome. Social situations stress me out something awful. That makes going to church difficult.

Sacrament meeting is when I renew my covenants with Heavenly Father quietly. The only person I have to socialize with is Him in that particular meeting.

But as someone else stated it, I never regret having better, and always return home feeling lighter and freer.

Edited by LeKook
grammatical
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I don't like going to church either (sorry, guys). I have Asperger's Syndrome. Social situations stress me out something awful. That makes going to church difficult.

Sacrament meeting is when I renew my covenants with Heavenly Father quietly. The only person I have to socialize with in socialize with is Him in that particular meeting.

But as someone else stated it, I never regret having better, and always return home feeling lighter and freer.

Yeah I know that feeling, though sounds like you have your head screwed on better then mine :lol:

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I currently serve in the Nursery so I don't get to go to those meetings. I did participate when I went to them though.

This may be contributing to how you feel. Nursery can take a lot out of a person and sometimes not give much back especially if you have been serving there a while.

In answer to can i be a good member and not got to church? You can be a good person and not go to church. There are a lot of good people outside of the church that are charitable, god fearing people who have a close relationship to God.

However if your goal is to make it to the celestial kingdom then partaking the sacrament and renewing the covenants you have made both at baptism and in the temple is essential for the journey if thats your intended destination.

Edited by Drpepper
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I guess I just wonder what others get out of me sitting in Sacrament Meeting? Aside from my family, of course. I could see it if I was giving a talk. And I don't really get to socialize with other members because I have to leave a few minutes early to get the Nursery set up. So except for the parents of my Nursery kids, I have almost no interaction with other adults at church.

There's no point in preparing and giving a talk if there's no one to listen.

Service in Nursery is an awesome example of how church attendance can be important beyond sacrament.

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I guess I just wonder what others get out of me sitting in Sacrament Meeting? Aside from my family, of course. I could see it if I was giving a talk. And I don't really get to socialize with other members because I have to leave a few minutes early to get the Nursery set up. So except for the parents of my Nursery kids, I have almost no interaction with other adults at church.

Try going a little early and greeting people as they walk in the door. Like I said, sometimes the social aspect of our religion is something that has to be learned, at least to develop an appreciation for it. We all have roadblocks in some form or another. Fortunately, it is the desire of our heart from which we are judged. The most important thing is to maintain that desire for sociability, even if it is not practical or achieved in this life. Just like a mother who can't have children, one should not drop the desire for such things just because it cannot be achieved in this life.

I like how "weakness" is described in the 'guide to the scriptures'; "The condition of being mortal and lacking ability, strength, or skill. Weakness is a state of being." It includes "lacking ability". But even "lacking ability" does not preclude desire. We have to maintain hope and desire for our weaknesses to be made strong. The last thing you want to do is give up hope that there is a reason despite your perception that there is nothing there. Ether 12 " 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness."

I don't know you this well to say this but I am just throwing this out there as one possibility so please don't take this as a statement that I know you but, maybe the benefit of going to sacrament meeting is the revealing of this particular weakness, that you find it hard to be sociable. If that is shown to you to be how you feel about going to sacrament meeting then take it as a "weakness" (includes lack of ability) but maintain a desire to change that and what will be received, in turn, is an increase in "faith, hope and charity" as well as humility and then God will make those weak things strong, maybe not in this life but it will be returned to you if you maintain that hope and desire.

Be assured, though, that the same types of social structure that exists in the church, the family unit being the center of that social structure, will exist in the next life. This is in part why we call our fellow church members, "brothers" and "sisters" to help remind us of the importance of our social responsibility and the structure that will exist in the next life. It is important to look at your fellow members as literal brothers and sisters. And, again, some things we just have to learn to like or at least maintain a desire to learn.

Edited by Seminarysnoozer
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Sometime attending church is not about us or what we need. I personally know a young lady that has been through a great deal of difficulty, including giving birth out of wedlock. For her going to church is difficult because she feels out of place and not as worthy because of her past. Her struggles have tenderly touched me on many occasions and I cannot imagine the lost joy I would miss of not sharing her sweet spirit. I also am aware of at least 3 other young ladies that have become pregnant without a husband that this wonderful lady has been able to reach because of her experience in ways no one else could – She has made an incredible difference.

We all have unique experience and if and when we allow ourselves to be an instrument in G-d’s hands can do things that no one else can. My plea is to all that may wonder concerning their contribution – You are needed and because of your unique perspective – no one else can bring what you offer.

The Traveler

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This may be contributing to how you feel. Nursery can take a lot out of a person and sometimes not give much back especially if you have been serving there a while.

Actually, I really love serving in Nursery and it keeps me going to church when I otherwise might not. I do miss being able to go to Relief Society and Sunday School, but I know I'd be less likely to go anyway if I had the opportunity. When I don't have a calling that requires me to be at church, I tend to not go.

Ironically enough (or not, as I'm sure it was no accident), I've read two articles this week that addressed the very issue of obedience and doing what the Lord commands, and I know he's commanded us to attend our church meetings. They have renewed my commitment to attend my church meetings, even if I find it difficult. Here is the link to one:

The 'fine dining' of the gospel of Jesus Christ | Deseret News

There's no point in preparing and giving a talk if there's no one to listen.

Service in Nursery is an awesome example of how church attendance can be important beyond sacrament.

Good points, thanks!

Edited by MormonMama
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SeminarySnoozer, your entire post really spoke to me and gave me a lot of food for thought. I know I need to work through my weaknesses and that the Lord will make them strong, and that he will do so in his own time. And I know that even if my weakness becomes a strength that it does not necessarily translate to desire. I guess I need to keep in mind that I am here to do the will of my Heavenly Father, whether it is my will or not. I also know that if I truly love Him and am obedient to Him, eventually my will will become the same as His, even if that process takes my entire life.

Sometime attending church is not about us or what we need.

You are so right. Thank you for the reminder! There is a little girl in Nursery who will only go to me. Not to my husband, not to our assistant, not to any other helper we may have in there. For whatever reason, that little girl needs me. So maybe, at least at this point in time, I need to be at church not for me, but for her.

And, of course, there is the matter of the example I set for my own children. How can I expect them to stay strong in the Gospel and be obedient even when they don't want to if I'm not willing to do so myself?

Thank you everyone! You have all really helped me to remember why it's important for me to go to church even though I usually don't want to. And you've helped me recommit to do so.

Edited by MormonMama
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Whoops.

Okay, now that we've got M&M attending... ;)

Quinn could be found at the Church of the Holy Comforter this Sunday. Where 'Day of Rest' is taken literally. Like the LDS Church, St. Arbucks is neither canonized nor recognized

Gah. I don't get to attend my ward very often (work, although I get to attend other people's wards almost every Sunday). So this week, I'm HOME, and not sick (I spent 3 Sundays home sick with a multiple resistant form of strep, not bringing THAT around babies) ... And what do I do? Sleep right through it.

Q

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  • 2 weeks later...

I dont like going either. Primarily I am in constant pain (permanent) from my injuries and am sick most of the time so the three hours I have to sit and behave like I am into it is the longest three hours of my week. Pretty much miserable all the time and the talks dont do a thing for me. If it wasnt for wife and kids, I would have stopped going a long time ago.

 

Probably not going to the celestial kingdom because of the attitude, but hey I go at least 2x per month so I should be worthy in the eyes of the former bish to go to the temple. So long as I at least act the part- I suppose I am good to go. I guess I can change my attitude, but the distraction of the pain and accompanying nausea will never go away.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Probably not going to the celestial kingdom because of the attitude, 

 

I think you are being to hard on yourself.  .  

 

Maybe I think that because I have an attitude too.  :D But I believe the Lord knows me and knows my heart, just as He does yours.  I think He appreciates that you go even though it is hard for you and you don't enjoy it.  That is what I hope/believe He feels about me as well.  

 

So don't write yourself off just yet...  :)

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A few others have shared similar thoughts, but here's my take:

 

This discussion leads me to think of Matthew 10:39:

 

   He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.

 

If we are seeking ourselves, worried about ourselves, focusing on finding ourselves, etc., (in other words, self-centered), then we will gain nothing from church, and, realistically, probably not enjoy it -- and if we do enjoy it due to social interactions and the like, the use of it is still rather meaningless. On the other hand, if we are worried about the Lord and others then we will find our lives, so to speak, and find ourselves enjoying church because of the true value of it.

 

As to the OP, that's kind of a loaded question. What makes one a "good" Mormon. For there is not one good but God. (Matt 19:7), so....no....you can't be a "good" Mormon if you don't want to go to church, but you can't be a "good" Mormon if you want to go to church either. :)

 

Really, my advice is, stop worrying about yourself. Give yourself up. As others have said, go to serve, to lift others, and to obey. In losing yourself to God in this regard you will surely find yourself. I can personally testify to the truth of this concerning church attendance. There were times when I was younger and was SO bored in church just hating it. I have learned to love church, but I did not learn to love it until I truly gave up on my selfish desires and committed to give myself to the Lord. Do I do so perfectly? Of course not. And there are times when a meeting or more is still laborious. But on the whole, the difference in my church experience has entirely changed.

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Really, my advice is, stop worrying about yourself. Give yourself up. 

 

I think this is in GENERAL good advice, but it doesn't apply to all.  When you are drowning, it is not the time to think about serving others.  You can't save anyone until you get out of your own life or death situation.  

 

Mental/emotional health issues, abuse, and other challenges can be applicable to drowning . To be fair, even at my lowest moments I did find small ways to serve and it did help a little, but that was not my focus.  Church meetings can be very hard when you are suffering from major depressive order (for example) and the talks revolve around "square your shoulders and have a positive attitude" that is such a large part of our church culture. 

 

I'm not disagreeing with you exactly, just saying that your advice (along with that of other posters) does not apply to every situation.  

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