How Do You Truly Forgive and Forget Being Hurt?

[kaydell]

How do you truly forgive and forget being hurt such as in an argument with your spouse?

How do you forget so that it is as if it never happened?

I realize that I am supposed to forgive so that I can be forgiven of God for my sins, but how exactly do you forgive somebody who says mean and hurtful things with the intent of hurting you and they aren't repentant evidenced by their saying such things as "Well, I was mad", as if that makes it OK?

[Traveler]

How do you truly forgive and forget being hurt such as in an argument with your spouse?

How do you forget so that it is as if it never happened?

I realize that I am supposed to forgive so that I can be forgiven of God for my sins, but how exactly do you forgive somebody who says mean and hurtful things with the intent of hurting you and they aren't repentant evidenced by their saying such things as "Well, I was mad", as if that makes it OK?

Because I have discovered that regardless of how badly they have treated me that by remembering and carrying that poison around with me and drinking of it often over and over again is much worse than that smaller portion I drank up in the heat of the argument. That and the things I say in such arguments I wish would be forgotten as well.

No matter how bad something is - making it worse, even a little, definitely makes it worse for me. And if I can somehow make it better - it is so much more worth it.

The Traveler

[Suzie]

How do you forget so that it is as if it never happened?

There is not such a thing. Your mind WILL remember those words. The "forget and forgive" phrase is often times misinterpreted. Forgetting means you will not bring it back every time you are upset with your spouse as a form of revenge, it also means that you will remember what happened with pain yes minus all the anger and negativity.

I realize that I am supposed to forgive so that I can be forgiven of God for my sins, but how exactly do you forgive somebody who says mean and hurtful things with the intent of hurting you and they aren't repentant evidenced by their saying such things as "Well, I was mad", as if that makes it OK?

It is a process and once you are aware of that, things will get a little easier. One of the first things they tell you in therapy is to remember what caused you the pain in the first place but do it without putting yourself as the victim, then try to analyze what exactly took place from the perspective of your spouse in this case and finally think about all those moments were you have done things that were wrong and you was forgiven.

Having said that, often times we link forgiveness directly to the other person without seeing the enormous benefits that forgiveness brings to our own lives. The fact that your husband is choosing to communicate with you in such a poor and hurtful manner and he isn't remorseful about it indicates serious communication problems in your marriage as well as being emotionally disconnected.

You both need help, your husband should try to seek professional help individually so he can learn how to communicate appropriately and also learn how to cope with his temper. You should also seek professional help in order to help you deal with the pain and the possible resentment that you might feel. Finally, a marriage counselor should be able to help you both. Best of luck.

[faith4]

How do you truly forgive and forget being hurt such as in an argument with your spouse?

How do you forget so that it is as if it never happened?

I realize that I am supposed to forgive so that I can be forgiven of God for my sins, but how exactly do you forgive somebody who says mean and hurtful things with the intent of hurting you and they aren't repentant evidenced by their saying such things as "Well, I was mad", as if that makes it OK?

Well, there is no forgetting what happened. What happened, happened, and it hurt you, putting up a wall to try and block it out and pretend it happened might make it worse. To forgive means to let go, and realize that we can't judge anyone else for their behavior and actions. There is only one judge, and that is God Himself, He is the Just Judge and He alone knows what is truly in our hearts and minds and why we do and say the things we do. I know it's hard, forgiveness is extremely difficult, but we have the perfect example to emulate, Jesus. He forgave his tormentors while they tortured him and put him through a brutal and humiliating death, He loves us so much and He allowed that love from God to carry Him through.

And keep in mind, anger and revenge don't come from God, God is love alone. Forgiveness doesn't come right away, it takes work and patience. When it becomes difficult, stop and pray for protection and Christ's peace to surround you. Remember that you are loved by God and so is your husband, we are all children of God and He loves us always. Good luck, I will pray for you :)

[applepansy]

You won't forget until the source of "hurt" stops, first of all. If your husband continues to say hurtful things in anger then the offense is still happening and its fresh. You can not add to it by choosing to not argue and contentious back.

After a "hurt" is done it is possible to forget, but it takes a long time and it takes faith. It also depends on the "hurt". In marriage there are many things that can be hurtful.

Pray and ask for what you seek. If you choose to forgive ask God to help you forgive. If you choose to forget ask God to help you forget. With Him anything is possible.

[Palerider]

I agree with the comments above. I think you need to pray and ask for help to overcome this.

[kaydell]

I'm thankful for everyone that took the time and effort to reply to my post.

My name, "Kaydell", can be a woman's name or a man's name, but I am a man and my spouse that hurt me is a woman.

I think that usually, emotional abuse is done to try to dominate someone. Many times, it is is men who try to dominate, but in my experience, sometimes, it is the woman who tries to dominate by abusing someone.

I am in therapy. I have had a breakthrough in therapy recently, having started writing my personal history and trusting my therapist by telling her some of it.

My wife refuses to go into personal therapy or marriage counseling, saying "You always get like this, when you get like this", projecting our problems onto me.

I will pray to forgive her and to forget the hurt.

I know that I have hurt her before too and that she wants an apology.

We started getting into it a few days ago and I used a technique that I read from the book: "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"

"Seek to understand before you seek to be understood"

-- Steven Covey

When I repeated back to my wife what she said instead of trying to respond by making my own point, she said: "Finally, you understand what I have been saying..." and the argument was over when I let her have the last word.

I have learned through psycho-education not to be passive and let people have their way and end up resenting them for it, but to stick up for myself without hurting and then shutting up and letting them have the last word, after making my point. This seems to work better than getting a divorce because of a stupid argument that is about who gets the last word.

Thank you again for your replies. I appreciate it.

Do you all have any more comments for us on this thread?

[Jane_Doe]

I have learned through psycho-education not to be passive and let people have their way and end up resenting them for it, but to stick up for myself without hurting and then shutting up and letting them have the last word, after making my point. This seems to work better than getting a divorce because of a stupid argument that is about who gets the last word.

I think it is a point of maturity when one realizes that they don't a;ways "need to get the last word" in. Good for you.

[Seminarysnoozer]

How do you truly forgive and forget being hurt such as in an argument with your spouse?

How do you forget so that it is as if it never happened?

I realize that I am supposed to forgive so that I can be forgiven of God for my sins, but how exactly do you forgive somebody who says mean and hurtful things with the intent of hurting you and they aren't repentant evidenced by their saying such things as "Well, I was mad", as if that makes it OK?

What has to happen to really forgive someone is have an understanding that God will hold everyone accountable for their actions and nothing will slip by and at the same time realize that all the spirits here in this world passed the first estate test and will receive a degree of glory that far surpasses anything found in this life.

In other words, often times the small things we get upset about in this life are almost meaningless compared to the greater things in store for us in the next life. It is kind of like when my kids used to fight over the color of bowel they had for cereal in the morning, "no, I get the green one!". I think we will all look back on this life and realize how, as Moses puts it; 'man is nothing'. Compared to what is at stake, the little things we get upset about are truly little.

Knowing that underneath the rough exterior of the outer man lies a daughter or son of God with a divine heritage and traits directly from God allowed Jesus to say, "forgive them for they know not what they do". He understand how fallen we are from our original state and knows us that way. It is hard for us to look at each other as brothers and sisters with a divine heritage because we look through fallen eyes at anothers fallen exterior, often times.

I find it easiest to forgive when I try to imagine the real spirit underneath, how they were before coming here and who they will be, as a person who will inherit a Kingdom of Heaven.

[Traveler]

I'm thankful for everyone that took the time and effort to reply to my post.

My name, "Kaydell", can be a woman's name or a man's name, but I am a man and my spouse that hurt me is a woman.

I think that usually, emotional abuse is done to try to dominate someone. Many times, it is is men who try to dominate, but in my experience, sometimes, it is the woman who tries to dominate by abusing someone.

I am in therapy. I have had a breakthrough in therapy recently, having started writing my personal history and trusting my therapist by telling her some of it.

My wife refuses to go into personal therapy or marriage counseling, saying "You always get like this, when you get like this", projecting our problems onto me.

I will pray to forgive her and to forget the hurt.

I know that I have hurt her before too and that she wants an apology.

We started getting into it a few days ago and I used a technique that I read from the book: "7 Habits of Highly Effective People"

"Seek to understand before you seek to be understood"

-- Steven Covey

When I repeated back to my wife what she said instead of trying to respond by making my own point, she said: "Finally, you understand what I have been saying..." and the argument was over when I let her have the last word.

I have learned through psycho-education not to be passive and let people have their way and end up resenting them for it, but to stick up for myself without hurting and then shutting up and letting them have the last word, after making my point. This seems to work better than getting a divorce because of a stupid argument that is about who gets the last word.

Thank you again for your replies. I appreciate it.

Do you all have any more comments for us on this thread?

kaydell,

I still hold that remembering your suffering will only make it worse for you. Some have posted that you cannot forget - I contend that you can but that from time to time you will be reminded. That reminder will last only as long as you feed and enhance it. I suggest you learn a happy song and sing it to yourself rather than drag out additional memories that upset you when you encounter reminders.

There is at least one other possibility. There are possibilities that psychosocial problems (like bipolar disorder) may be involved. It is not uncommon that someone suffering from psychosocial problems will not consider counseling. But refusing counseling does not prove psychosocial problems. Your counselor ought to be able to advise you better than anyone here. If you are dealing with a situation that does not change as you change your behavior - then you have to make choices beyond changing your behavior. If there are psychosocial problems with your spouse - you have to realize that there is no solution beyond what you can alter in yourself. But blaming your spouse for your choices will not benefit you.

I learned long ago during my dating days that I never talk badly or blame someone I dated for my choice to no longer go out with them. When asked I would say that our breaking up was really my fault and that I was glad for the opportunity to be able to go out with them. Even if they lied about me - if asked I would say that I really messed things up and that is likely why they speak so ill of me. It may sound strange but I believe that erroring on the side of kindness and blaming me makes life better for everyone involved.

The Traveler

[Finrock]

Hello kaydell. It is a pleasure to meet you! I hope you're doing good today. :)

Some things we can't forget (as in they just disappear from our minds). I think when we are deeply wounded by another the forgetting part has to do with forgetting the pain that someone has caused us to the extent that we no longer hold that against the person who caused us the pain. I think that when we can think about what was done to us and it doesn't cause us to feel negatively about the experience or the person in any way, we have forgotten.

There are a few people in my life who have caused me great pain. When I was finally able to forgive and forget then my feelings went from wanting the people who hurt me to be punished to me wanting them to be happy and becoming an advocate for them. I imagine in my mind that if God were to ask me how I felt about these people I would tell Him that I do not hold the things they did to me against them and that what I really want for them is for them to be happy and free.

-Finrock

[kaydell]

kaydell,

I still hold that remembering your suffering will only make it worse for you.

I agree. That's why I want to forgive and forget.

Some have posted that you cannot forget - I contend that you can but that from time to time you will be reminded. That reminder will last only as long as you feed and enhance it. I suggest you learn a happy song and sing it to yourself rather than drag out additional memories that upset you when you encounter reminders.

I found a good song on lds.org "Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other"

https://www.lds.org/music/library/hymns/let-us-oft-speak-kind-words?lang=eng

Speaking kind words to each other should lead back to "Love at Home".

One thing that I've learned from my therapists is that I should feel my feelings rather than trying to suppress them. I have sometimes, tried to suppress my feelings by having thoughts such as computer programming thoughts. Trying to suppress your feelings can cause obsessions.

There is at least one other possibility. There are possibilities that psychosocial problems (like bipolar disorder) may be involved. It is not uncommon that someone suffering from psychosocial problems will not consider counseling. But refusing counseling does not prove psychosocial problems. Your counselor ought to be able to advise you better than anyone here.

I love my counselor. She is great for me to talk things out and get in touch with my feelings. I talk until I cry and she says "you have accessed your feelings". She understands that this kind of language makes it more "masculine" to me. That it is OK to cry. That my mind is like a computer and it is OK to "access my feelings".

My counselor can listen to my religious thoughts but she has a gag order since her paycheck is paid by the government. I don't believe that she can tell me religious thoughts back like a counselor at LDS Family Services could.

I'm going to have to request to my bishop again that he spend some of his budget on my family because we need counseling so badly. Sometimes, we are too obedient to authority and hesitate to make a second request.

If you are dealing with a situation that does not change as you change your behavior - then you have to make choices beyond changing your behavior. If there are psychosocial problems with your spouse - you have to realize that there is no solution beyond what you can alter in yourself. But blaming your spouse for your choices will not benefit you.

I agree. A general authority once said that if you are having problems with your spouse, to change yourself instead of getting a new spouse.

I learned long ago during my dating days that I never talk badly or blame someone I dated for my choice to no longer go out with them. When asked I would say that our breaking up was really my fault and that I was glad for the opportunity to be able to go out with them. Even if they lied about me - if asked I would say that I really messed things up and that is likely why they speak so ill of me. It may sound strange but I believe that erroring on the side of kindness and blaming me makes life better for everyone involved.

OK. I appreciate you sharing a story from your personal life.

The Traveler

-- Kaydell

Edited March 19, 2014 by kaydell

[onethatislazy]

True repentance comes about not from stopping something but from starting something. Instead of focusing on what we are NOT doing, we focus on gaining further light and truth. When we replace our beliefs that are incorrect with light and truth (doctrine) our souls are changed and we become more like Christ until the perfect day. By doing this our disposition to do evil vanishes and we begin to see our brother and sisters as they really are. Than we begin to be able to love them despite all manner of persecutions that may come against us.

How did Christ forgive the people despite being beaten, tortured, and killed? He loved them. He finally fully understood from Gethsemane what was required that he could succor them in their infirmities, afflictions, sins, and all other manner of ignorance.

One way I have found for myself is praying to the Father to show what it is you lack or ask Him to bestow charity upon you. By doing this the Lord can give you what you need. For me I was shown all the things I was doing wrong myself and by seeing those things I could have greater sympathy for others even in their ignorance.

Have you prayed about this to see what the Lord thinks of the situation you are in?