Do I Tell My Wife?

[JcDean78]

<div class='quotemain'>

I have been married for 10 years and have always been completely faithful. I have never flirted with another girl and my wife is the only woman I have had any relations with. We went through a bad spell a couple of years ago and I started flirting (I thought harmlesslessly with a workmate). One thing led to another and we ended up kissing. This happened a few times over a couple of weeks. I realised how stupid this was. I stopped it. I broke off contact and got a new job where I don't see her. Do you think I should tell my wife. I am certain that she will end the marriage if I do. Is it better just to keep this to myself and never do it again. Would this be considered sinful not to confess. Do I need to tell my bishop who will then probably tell me to discuss with my wife?

Any advise please?

My advice to you is that you don't have to tell your affairs years before because it gonna ruin your family. Discuss it with your Bishop. Your Bishop will never tell you to to discuss it with your wife. God knows what in your heart and he forgive you.

I have been married for more than 10 years, years ago my husband had an affair with another woman and never told me about it till I found out later. I felt hurt and the only solution was to end up my marriage but I have 4 children to look after. My husband told me everything and said he never do it again. I forgive him but still I felt the pain in my heart. Even if my husband already told me of his affairs before I found out, I gonna feel the same thing. To safe your marriage, never tell your wife.

That is not the type of relationship I would want to be in. Not telling only makes it worse.

[robbiewinters]

Thank you for the many responses. It is interesting to see so many different views. I am a convert to the church and moved to Utah to study. It seems as though many members of the church see things very much as black and white. I don't think that things are ever that simple. There are assumptions that our marriage is as strong as many of yours. Unfortunately that may not be the case. I don't know if we will live happily ever after. I do know that I would die for my children and whatever the current defivciencies in our marriage we are raising well adjusted and balanced children who are grounded in the gospel and know they are 100% loved. I am convinced they will grow up and live succesful lifes and serve diligently in the church and develop testimonies of the gospel.

Perhaps my original question was the wrong one. Of course in an ideal world there is only one correct answer. Confess and take the consequences. However, if the consequences of confessing results in the possibilty of damage to my children I would rather take the risk of my whole soul. My welfare is less important to me than theirs. I guess my question is more how serious in the scheme of things is what I have done and is it such that could be forgiven by years of service and living a christlike life regardless of whether or not my wife knows. To be clear on something it is not my intention to keep this to myself forever and in fact I will speak to my wife about it at some stage when I think there is no risk to my children.

Is there not the possibility that if I confess after many years of impeccible behaviour it will come accross as more sincere in that she will be convinced that there has been no repetition and therefore less likelihood of a repeat of it?

Also if it comes out after my children have left home and she decides she cant accept it then at least they will not suffer for my failures and perhaps her failure to forgive.

I don't think this is all as simple as some have suggested.

[Guest Username-Removed]

Robbie,

One things for sure, people do think things are black and white. And we do not know your situation. However, one things for sure, you've done enough study to get your own answer directly from Heavanly Father.

Good luck!

[Maureen]

Hey robbie,

I'm going to give you the opposite advice of the majority here. I would NOT tell your wife. If what happened years ago was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again, then keep it to yourself. Putting myself in the wife's position, since I am one, I would not want to know something that was stupid and meant nothing. For me, in this situation, ignorance is bliss. If I was told by my husband about an isolated incident like yours, that really was just bad judgement, there's a chance that just knowing could cause unnecessary distrust; especially if you know that it will never happen again. Knowing may hurt your wife more than not knowing. Just my 2cents. Good luck!

M.

[Guest MrsS]

Hey robbie,

I'm going to give you the opposite advice of the majority here. I would NOT tell your wife. If what happened years ago was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again, then keep it to yourself. Putting myself in the wife's position, since I am one, I would not want to know something that was stupid and meant nothing. For me, in this situation, ignorance is bliss. If I was told by my husband about an isolated incident like yours, that really was just bad judgement, there's a chance that just knowing could cause unnecessary distrust; especially if you know that it will never happen again. Knowing may hurt your wife more than not knowing. Just my 2cents. Good luck!

M.

I agree with Maureen totally on this.

Part of the repentence process is to make amends for the wrong/hurt that you caused another, this is true, But this must be tempered with: If no more harm would be inflicted, then confess the sin to the person whom you have sinned against.

[prisonchaplain]

Hey, I got at least two--perhaps three who sided with me. I'm not against EVENTUALLY confessing. See a bishop or trusted counselor. In time, ask your wife if she would not be open to marriage counseling. The day may come when you two are strong enough in your trust for each other, that confession is possible.

To those who demand open and immediate confession: do you tell your loved ones every stray thought that goes through your head? This is more serious, but there was no affair, nor the kind of adultery for which most churches would condone divorce.

The brother was tempted in ways common to men. He began to turn towards the temptation, then, convicted of the Holy Spirit, corrected his course. Praise God and strengthen the family, with that blessed combination of innocence and wisdom that Jesus calls us to.

[anniem]

I tend to agree with prison chaplain too. Why cause your wife and children suffering if you have repented and forsaken those actions? I'm not sure breaking someone elses heart has to be part of your repentance process. Okay, so maybe eventually she has to know, and forgiveness is something we all have to learn. My question is, why would your wife ever say: if you did anything like this she would leave you --unless she felt that you might be flirting (or whatever)?

[Gabelma]

I tend to agree with prison chaplain too. Why cause your wife and children suffering if you have repented and forsaken those actions? I'm not sure breaking someone elses heart has to be part of your repentance process. Okay, so maybe eventually she has to know, and forgiveness is something we all have to learn. My question is, why would your wife ever say: if you did anything like this she would leave you --unless she felt that you might be flirting (or whatever)

I agree entirely but did want to say I told my husband before we got married if he did anything like this the only way he was staying with me was under the floor boards - now we have one might the patio instead lol

Reason I said it is because my Dad is a complete cad - my husband isn't but I really couldn't take him being very unfaithful

Charley

[Annabelli]

robbiewinters:

D&C 42: 88-89, 91-92

88 And if thy abrother or sister offend thee, thou shalt take him or her between him or her and thee alone; and if he or she cconfess thou shalt be reconciled.

89 And if he or she confess not thou shalt deliver him or her up unto the church, not to the members, but to the elders. And it shall be done in a ameeting, and that not before the world.

• • •

91 And if any one offend openly, he or she shall be rebuked openly, that he or she may be ashamed. And if he or she confess not, he or she shall be delivered up unto the law of God.

92 If any shall offend in secret, he or she shall be rebuked in secret, that he or she may have opportunity to confess in secret to him or her whom he or she has offended, and to God, that the church may not speak reproachfully of him or her.

[Jason]

Any advise please?

Be a man and keep it to yourself. That's guy code.

You owe it to your family to keep it to yourself. At the very least wait until your kids are grown up so that they have a stable home to live in.

Ignore the otherwise poor advise given on this thread. These people obviously are thinking with their bibles and not with their heads.

And for those of you who may condemn, my wife and I agreed that if a one-night-stand (not just kissing mind you) ever happened, and it was never gonna happen again, we'd both rather NOT know about it.

So $uck it up bro.

[Guest Yediyd]

These people obviously are thinking with their bibles and not with their heads.

And that's a bad thing?

[Jason]

And that's a bad thing?

Only when the Bible is wrong. Which is most of the time.

[Guest Username-Removed]

<div class='quotemain'>

And that's a bad thing?

Only when the Bible is wrong. Which is most of the time.

The pattern I see in the bible can call be centered on these core scriptures ...

St John 14:21: He that hath my commandments and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my father and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

John 15:10: If ye akeep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.

2nd John 1: 4-6: I rejoiced greatly that I found of thy children walking in truth, as we have received a commandment from the father. And now I beseech the, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another. And this is love that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment that, as ye have heard from the beginning, that ye should walk in it.

Mathew 22: 36-40: Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the lord thy God with all they heart and with all they soul and with all they mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, though shalt love they neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love. Love for man, love for Heavanly Father, love for Christ. The reason why we should do anything. Once we understand this concept, we move beyond the worrysome "checklist" of keeping track of which commmandment to keep, and instead know what is right and wrong based not mearly on the list, but the spirit of love. The Scriptures leave us a record of thier stories with thier sacrifices & knowlege of why they did what they did. All of which provides us a 'wake up' slap in the face as to the real reason why we do what we do- or rather why we should do what we do.

[Jason]

<div class='quotemain'>

<div class='quotemain'>

And that's a bad thing?

Only when the Bible is wrong. Which is most of the time.

The pattern I see in the bible can call be centered on these core scriptures ...

St John 14:21: He that hath my commandments and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my father and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.

John 15:10: If ye akeep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.

2nd John 1: 4-6: I rejoiced greatly that I found of thy children walking in truth, as we have received a commandment from the father. And now I beseech the, lady, not as though I wrote a new commandment unto thee, but that which we had from the beginning, that we love one another. And this is love that we walk after his commandments. This is the commandment that, as ye have heard from the beginning, that ye should walk in it.

Mathew 22: 36-40: Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the lord thy God with all they heart and with all they soul and with all they mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, though shalt love they neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Love. Love for man, love for Heavanly Father, love for Christ. The reason why we should do anything. Once we understand this concept, we move beyond the worrysome "checklist" of keeping track of which commmandment to keep, and instead know what is right and wrong based not mearly on the list, but the spirit of love. The Scriptures leave us a record of thier stories with thier sacrifices & knowlege of why they did what they did. All of which provides us a 'wake up' slap in the face as to the real reason why we do what we do- or rather why we should do what we do.

Great advice.

[rosie321]

I'm going to go with the don't tell her but don't hide it either. If circumstance arises where she asks or you feel that it would be the right time then discuss it with her openly. Don't just do it to clear your conscience or because she might find out someday. There's lots of sins done on this earth all the time not confessed to everyone.

What you did may be wrong. A kiss depending on the situation isn't all bad. Your conscience is troubling you about it (as is evidenced by your post concerns) so it was most likely a very bad choice to make.

So have you repented? This is the most important question. What safeguards have you tried to put in place to ensure that this does not happen with any other women than your wife? Since you know this is an area of struggle. As others suggested you might want to discuss this with your bishop. I'm not sure it would be good to go straight to your wife in this particular case and circumstance.

So far you have gotton away from this woman and moved to a different position. So you have made some positive choices that indicate some repentance. Though you still feel guilt (one price of sin).

So then I have to ask what would be the benefit and consequence to telling your wife? How will it affect you and your family? Will it increase good things in your family. I think the harm from telling your family would be much worse than her knowledge of the kiss. Not only could it destroy your marriage but the lives of your children. I do not see anything positive coming out from telling her at this point other than trying to appease your guilty conscience Use your fear of losing your family and guilt to make you more aware of appropriate conduct with woman other than your wife

[TimA.]

Robbie,

I like the 12 steps first written by Alcoholics Anonomous founder Bill Wilson back in the 1930s. Here is step 8 and 9:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

There is an LDS verson of these steps too from an organization called Heart to Heart that uses LDS scriptures in the steps. Here are steps 8 and 9 from them:

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make restitution to all of them (even those we had harmed in what we might have considered righteous anger) desiring instead to be peacemakers, and to do all that we could to come unto God by being first reconciled to our brothers. (3 Nephi 12:9; 3 Nephi 12:24; 3 Nephi 12:44-45)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Made restitution directly to those we had harmed, confessing our own wrong doing in each instance, except when to do so would further injure them or others. (Mosiah 27:35; 3 Nephi 12:25; Mosiah 26:30)

In my mind these are steps to repentence and living ad God would have us live. Notice in both versions it says "except when to do so would further injure them or others." It is by grace we are saved after all we can do. It seems to me from what you told us you have done all you can do that would not cause further harm. Also your wife is comanded like we all are to forgive. Would this be a temptation for her that she is not ready for?

I cant tell you what to do except to fast and pray, you have the gift of the Holy Ghost though to guide you if you seek it.

I think I would advise you that you have seen your weakness and it would be wise to be on guard and take steps to prevent anything like this from happening again because it may well go further next time. Those steps might include some kind of counseling perhaps for you and your wife.

Good luck to you brother. Here are both versions of the 12 steps if you would like to read them. It says powerless over alcohol but any weakness can replace alcohol and we are all powerless over something.

Ether 12:27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

I believe these 12 steps to repentence are steps unto Christ.

Tim

Original 12 steps

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His Will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

LDS Version

1. We admitted we were powerless over compulsive/addictive behaviors* -- that our lives had become unmanageable. Admitted that we of ourselves are powerless, nothing without God. (Mosiah 4:5; Alma 26:12)

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Came to believe that God has all power and all wisdom, and that in His strength we can do all things. (Mosiah 4:9; Alma 26:12)

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Made the decision to reconcile ourselves to the will of God, offer our whole souls as an offering unto Him, and trust Him in all things forever. (2 Nephi 10:24; Omni 1:26; Mosiah 3:19, 2 Nephi 4:34)

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Made a searching and fearless written inventory of our past in order to thoroughly examine ourselves as to our pride and other weaknesses, with the intent of recognizing our own carnal state and our need for Christ's Atonement. (Alma 15:17; Mosiah 4:2; Jacob 4:6-7; Ether 12:27)

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Honestly shared this inventory with God and with another person thus demonstrating the sincerity of our repentance, and our willingness to give away all our sins that we might know Him. (Mosiah 26:29; Alma 22:18)

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Became humble enough to yield our hearts and our lives to Christ for His sanctification and purification, relying wholly upon His merits, acknowledging even our own best efforts as unprofitable. (Helaman 3:35, 2 Nephi 31:19; Mosiah 2:20-21)

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. Humbly cried unto the Lord Jesus Christ, in our hearts, for a remission of sins, that through His mercy and His grace we might experience a mighty change of heart, lose all disposition to do evil and thus be encircled about in the arms of safety because of His great and last sacrifice. (Alma 36:18; Alma 38:8; Moroni 10:32; Mosiah 5:2; Alma 34:15-16)

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make restitution to all of them (even those we had harmed in what we might have considered righteous anger) desiring instead to be peacemakers, and to do all that we could to come unto God by being first reconciled to our brothers. (3 Nephi 12:9; 3 Nephi 12:24; 3 Nephi 12:44-45)

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Made restitution directly to those we had harmed, confessing our own wrong doing in each instance, except when to do so would further injure them or others. (Mosiah 27:35; 3 Nephi 12:25; Mosiah 26:30)

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Realizing that the weakness to be tempted and to sin is a part of the mortal experience, we continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it, being willing to repent as often as needed. (2 Nephi 4:18; 2 Nephi 10:20; Mosiah 26:30)

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, seeking the words of Christ through the power of the Holy Ghost, that they might tell us all things that we should do, praying only for a knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. (2 Nephi 32:3; Alma 37:37; Helaman 10:4)

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others still suffering from the effects of compulsive behaviors and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Having experienced a mighty change and having awakened unto God as a result of our sincere repentance demonstrated in taking these steps, we were willing to become instruments in carrying this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs. (Alma 5:7; Mosiah 27:36-37; Moroni 7:3)

* Any problem may be inserted here in place of "compulsive/addictive behaviors."

[Jason]

Rosie and Tim,

Fantastic advice.

[rosie321]

Just had an awful thought, I sure hope your name is not RobbieWinters (Hopefully its just a pen name right? ;) ) or your wife may find out sooner than you'd like and in a way you might not like.

She wouldn't just stumble on this site or have friends on it?

Guess it just goes to show you never know the day or hour of judgement

[tbauro]

Hey robbie,

I'm going to give you the opposite advice of the majority here. I would NOT tell your wife. If what happened years ago was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again, then keep it to yourself. Putting myself in the wife's position, since I am one, I would not want to know something that was stupid and meant nothing. For me, in this situation, ignorance is bliss. If I was told by my husband about an isolated incident like yours, that really was just bad judgement, there's a chance that just knowing could cause unnecessary distrust; especially if you know that it will never happen again. Knowing may hurt your wife more than not knowing. Just my 2cents. Good luck!

M.

Robbie,

I agree with Maureen, NEVER TELL YOU WIFE.

Im a married woman I know what a married woman feels so please do not tell your wife.

[Saraphina]

Wow I'm a bit late on this but.....why weren't you thinking of your dear kids when you were kissing another woman? Maybe not thinking with the heart then? Hmmm. Part of sin like this is confessing. Your wife deserves to know. Suck it up and realize a kiss when you're married is still CHEATING.

[richlittell]

NO NO NO NO NO!

Don't tell your wife. You all may not agree with me, but there are much much bigger issues here than a kiss. There are deeper issues as to why this happened in the first place. Talk to your Bishop, yes, and start working on the issues that will bring you greater spirituality.

A woman once wounded will never forget (and some will never forgive). If the problems underlying the thing that led you to the kiss get bigger, you will indeed divorce and that will be horrible for you kids!!

I once tried this "honesty in all things" policy with my ex, and it BACKFIRED completely, and now we, both of us, live in regret that our children have suffered both our stupidities. And, let me add this. When I went to my wife, I hadn't even kissed or held hands with another woman. I was beginning to have some feelings emerge for a co-worker, and I got scared and thought the best way to work it out was with my wife.. NO NO NO NO NO.. What should I have done?

Gone to my Bishop and worked out some kind of plan, then later, if the both of you are absolutely inspired that your wife should know, then the time will be right.

[richlittell]

p.s

you can't assume that every LDS woman is an angel and spiritually strong enough to handle something like this, even some who may appear to be spiritual giants might indeed not be truly that strong. Talk to the Bishop, work out a plan.

[Connie]

I find myself surprised by this thread. As a wife myself, i would absolutely want to know. I do, however, have a very strong relationship with my husband. We believe in communication. I think i very nearly do tell him every stray thought that enters my head.

If, however, you believe your wife has issues with forgiveness, as many people do, then i think what many others have said here is probably the best thing in your situation, namely, go to your bishop or a counselor first and talk it out with them.

Also, divorce affects not only small children but children who are grown and moved out even, so don't think that waiting until they are grown and gone will have no affect on them.

[mightynancy]

If your wife would divorce you over a few kisses, there's something else wrong with your relationship. I'm absolutely not saying that what you did is okay. It isn't. But a husband who wants to work on his marriage shouldn't fear summary dismissal for telling the truth about a mistake. There are marriages that survive a full-fledged affair when both parties are committed.

Is she looking for an excuse to get divorced? It seems to me there must be more going on, on your end, on hers, or both.

[ruthiechan]

Absolutely. We must be honest in our dealings and be willing to accept the consequences. Ignoring or hiding a sin will not make it go away. We have to pay for them eventually. It's better for us if we do not procrastinate our repentance.

I have not read all the replies, but I would not tell her a thing.

I would talk to your Bishop, and tell him what you told us. You've already started the process of repentance by not doing it again and removing yourself from the situation and the person.

If you went all the way, then I'd get myself to the doc right quick to test for STD's (though HPV is not testable in men). If not, I still would because seriously, who knows where that mouth of hers has been.

Unless the Spirit directs you to tell her anything, I would keep my mouth shut. It is better for your family. Why break up your home just to make yourself feel better? That would be a selfish thing to do don't you think?