Is it ok to sleep with your spouse while separated?

[Angelida]

I recently went to my (newly called) bishop to talk to him about my situation with my husband. My old bishop had been a great comfort and had been helping me through it for about a year of so. It was a little awkward, but I got through it, but three wks later I\'m just thinking about something that he said that my other bishop never mentioned. Not sure if I misunderstood or what. He said \"you know that you still have to obey the laws of chastity right?\" I said \"yes\". I mean what does he he think I\'m going to do go out and date other men and sleep around?? Well then I started thinking maybe he means my own husband??? I\'m like seriously he will still be my husband? I have been married to a non member for 18 years now and we have been together for 21 years. I haven\'t been active all those years and only been very active for the last 3 years. It\'s been amazing and I went through the temple last June. Well my husband and I have been having problems for about 8 years now and he cheated on me 6 years ago. He swears that it was never consummated, but whatever. I have since forgiven him and moved on from it. But things have not been the same since and we need to be apart from each other. We are getting a legal separation so he can have \"his space\", but he wants to still be a part of my life and still cares and we have two daughters together. So, we are going to try it for a year and see if it works out. And we are not going to date other people. In my eyes that is cheating because we are still married! So does anyone know what the deal is with this?? Since we are still married and want to still date each other can we still sleep together??

[Dravin]

 I mean what does he he think I\'m going to do go out and date other men and sleep around?? 

 

There are people who seem to think that separated equates divorced and behave accordingly, so conceptually reminders that such isn't the case aren't crazy. Not knowing exactly what he said or what was going through his mind none of us here are going to know just what he meant by it, if it was intended as a reminder that while separated you are still married, or a more literal reminder of the Law of Chastity. Ultimately if you want to know exactly what was going through his mind you'll have to ask him. 

 

That said, I'm not aware of any counsel that separated spouses need to refrain from sexual relations with each other.

[The Folk Prophet]

If you are legally married then you aren't technically breaking the law of chastity -- letter of the law wise. Spirit of the law...??? Well, that's more difficult. It's an interesting question. Part of the reason sexual relations are reserved for marriage is because marriage is a commitment, and that commitment ties into the ultimate point of sexual relations, which is child bearing. But, of course, that is not the only reason sexual relations are reserved for marriage. So it's not entirely cut and dry.

[skippy740]

I recently went to my (newly called) bishop to talk to him about my situation with my husband. My old bishop had been a great comfort and had been helping me through it for about a year of so. It was a little awkward, but I got through it, but three wks later I\'m just thinking about something that he said that my other bishop never mentioned. Not sure if I misunderstood or what. He said \"you know that you still have to obey the laws of chastity right?\" I said \"yes\". I mean what does he he think I\'m going to do go out and date other men and sleep around?

 

Some separated couples end up doing exactly that.  A separation is not a divorce, and dating someone else outside of your marriage covenant (whether civil &/or temple) is not appropriate.

 

 

 

Well then I started thinking maybe he means my own husband??? I\'m like seriously he will still be my husband? I have been married to a non member for 18 years now and we have been together for 21 years. I haven\'t been active all those years and only been very active for the last 3 years. It\'s been amazing and I went through the temple last June. Well my husband and I have been having problems for about 8 years now and he cheated on me 6 years ago. He swears that it was never consummated, but whatever. I have since forgiven him and moved on from it. But things have not been the same since and we need to be apart from each other. We are getting a legal separation so he can have \"his space\", but he wants to still be a part of my life and still cares and we have two daughters together. So, we are going to try it for a year and see if it works out. And we are not going to date other people. In my eyes that is cheating because we are still married! So does anyone know what the deal is with this?? Since we are still married and want to still date each other can we still sleep together?? 

 

I wouldn't be trying to put words in your bishop's mouth.  I would simply assume that he meant dating or any other relations outside of the marriage covenant are not appropriate.

 

How you choose to have sexual relations within your marriage... even while separated... is up to you, just like it always has.

[CrossfitDan]

 We are getting a legal separation so he can have \"his space\", but he wants to still be a part of my life and still cares and we have two daughters together. So, we are going to try it for a year and see if it works out. And we are not going to date other people. In my eyes that is cheating because we are still married! So does anyone know what the deal is with this?? Since we are still married and want to still date each other can we still sleep together??

 

ABSOLUTELY appropriate to be intimate during a "separation", if it is a part of a healthy, loving interaction I would suggest as often as both of you enjoy it too. HOWEVER, I am concerned and I would suggest there are some bigger issues going on here that you might want to explore and soul search other than the sexual part. As a therapist, when I hear "separate but involved", a week maybe a month which is too long, but a year? The intimacy, although very important, might be insignificant compared to you needed to understand what you want (as appose to what he wants) and pursuing it.

[The Folk Prophet]

ABSOLUTELY appropriate to be intimate during a "separation"

 

I don't think it's that black and white. Take, for example, a couple who Vegas marry just so they can be church-legally intimate, and then quickly annul the marriage (albeit anecdotal, I have heard of this happening). Take that to an extreme. Say a couple marries with no intent of every living together or raising a family together, etc. They only marry, once again, for the church-legal physical intimacy. Problematic, right?

 

Now apply that sort of thinking to a separation. A couple has no intention of growth, no willingness to sacrifice as a marriage requires, no desire to increase their family, etc., etc.... Not to mention they just don't get along. So they separate. But they still find each other physically attractive, and they don't mind movies and eating out together. So they stay married so they can complete their date nights with physical intimacy. I call bogus on that as fitting into the law of chastity. It's an abuse of the sacred.

 

On the other hand, if a couple is separated but honestly trying to grow together...I'm less strongly opinionated. But only just. I tend to feel that if you refuse to be in a marriage in all senses of the word (living together), then you don't really have the right to treat your marriage as a marriage in all senses of the word (physical intimacy).

[mnn727]

Be very careful if you do sleep with him after separating. Many men who are separating have an active sex life with other women (and visa versa. You don't want to catch a Sexually Transmitted disease.

 

While technically you would not be breaking the law of chastity, why would you want to sleep with someone your separated from? There is either a reason to separate or there is not.

[Bini]

Not sure this makes a difference but here's a woman's perspective...

 

 

The LOC is not broken if you choose to be intimate with your spouse, regardless of if the marriage is crappy, in a state of separation, or pending divorce - you're still married - but that doesn't mean continuing intimate relations is a good idea... If there is a wedge in the marriage that has driven it to the latter two aforementioned, I would be very careful about making the decision to sleep with my estranged husband, and for several reasons. One, assuming the whole downfall of the marriage is due to broken trust, I would question whether he has remained chaste (from other women) during our separation/pending divorce. I would be concerned of contracting an STD (or worse) if he's sleeping with other women. I can't control what he does but I can control what I do with my body and I would opt to protect it. Second, emotionally and psychologically, I'm not sure how beneficial it would be to remain intimate with someone I no longer trusted. Sure, it might fulfil a physical need but that's where better judgement comes into play. Third, if there are children in the picture, I would be careful what message I'm sending to them. Marital affairs can be confusing to those outside of it, and children might have a good idea of what's going on, but in the end they're left with a lot of questions. I think having the mind set of "friends with benefits" with a spouse you are separated from or pending divorce isn't the thought process the Lord would want us to have. So for me it's either (i) work through your marriage and enjoy the benefits that come with it, or (ii) get out of your marriage and live without the benefits that came with it.

[WRGiant44]

My biggest worry here would be that the two of you are beginning to separate the concepts of marriage and sexuality.  Sex is meant to be a union of one-ness, a culmination of something that is already there in a marital relationship.  Yes, the sex drive, out of necessity, is strong, and cases like this, it is easy to throw two people who are suddenly vulnerable "into the sack" on the justification that they are married (if currently separated), and hey, it's "just sex."

 

I'm not sure either of you have genuinely asked why you want to do that.  To me, that is indeed one of the things that will bring you back together.  St. Paul, in I Corinthians 7, does remind us why each should have his or her own spouse.

 

Does that sound idealistic?  Maybe.  But that is also what makes us keep learning more and more about the other.  As you do, at some point, the "Big O" becomes one-ness, not that which is generally assumed.

 

I must caution you about one more thing touched upon by another respondent.  For the same reasons already listed, this is a vulnerable time in the relationship.  And while it may be unthinkable for one of you to take this time and use it to give yourself away sexually to someone else, it may not be for both of you.  Just be extremely careful and devoted to prayer during this time.

 

I wish you both well - and will pray for eventual reconciliation and marital strength.

[skippy740]

My initial post was answering the question "could I?".

 

Most everyone else is answering the question "should I?".

 

You know your husband and your relationship best.  You know your reasons for separation.  

 

My personal advice:  If there was any infidelity on your husband's part with someone else (notice I'm not talking about pornography)... then I would think twice about this for obvious reasons.

 

I would also keep the separation short.  A period of separation is not to "be married within the gospel and not have to be 'one with another'".  This is a trial period for your relationship... kinda like a church probationary period.  You need to 'miss each other' and commit to doing better towards reconciliation... or head down the path of divorce.

 

I was separated from my wife for 3 years.  Yes, we were intimate during our separation.  However, she didn't seem to be in quite a hurry to reconcile OR to divorce.  She finally made a decision... but being "in limbo" is not fun and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

[Angelida]

A lot of great advice and so quickly too. Thank you to all for all the input. I honestly don't think that it will lead to divorce and I truly am very much in love with my husband. I'm not just wanting to get a quick fix or wanting this just for the purpose of "well were married, so we can just do it". I mean I would not have even asked the question if it didn't bother me and I didn't think that my salvation wasn't on the line here.

I was actually served with divorce papers, but it was him doing it because we had just gotten into a big fight and so he got mad and did it. I had to counter and I got an attorney to do so. When I went to go sign those papers I had a very dreaded feeling to NOT sign them. So I asked if I could do a separation instead and she said "yes". So, she quickly reworded them and I signed them. As soon as I did I felt as though a weight had been lifted. So I was guided by the Holy Ghost to do that. I had actually several months prior had contemplated filing for a divorce myself and prayed about it and my answer came at me as clear as day NO. I did this more then once because I was unhappy and the answere was always the same and to hang in there. It came in different ways, but the outcome was just the same none the less. So there is a reason that I must go through this trial. I do pray all the time for my husband to see and want what I have come to love. I take our girls to church every wk and he is fine with it. I believe that this is the only way for him to come to realise what he can have to truly be happy. And I will do whatever it takes to make it so. This is what I was guided to do and if it takes 3 months, 6 months or a year, the time is of no matter. Heavenly Father will let me know when the time is right. I want more than anything for it to be less, but if not than I have no control over it. I do appreciate all of the most helpful advice as I only wanted to make sure that I am still able to share my love with my husband without breaking any vows. Now I just pray and be positive that everything will work out in a short time and without too much grief. :)

[CrossfitDan]

I don't think it's that black and white. Take, for example, a couple who Vegas marry just so they can be church-legally intimate, and then quickly annul the marriage (albeit anecdotal, I have heard of this happening). Take that to an extreme. Say a couple marries with no intent of every living together or raising a family together, etc. They only marry, once again, for the church-legal physical intimacy. Problematic, right?

 

Now apply that sort of thinking to a separation. A couple has no intention of growth, no willingness to sacrifice as a marriage requires, no desire to increase their family, etc., etc.... Not to mention they just don't get along. So they separate. But they still find each other physically attractive, and they don't mind movies and eating out together. So they stay married so they can complete their date nights with physical intimacy. I call bogus on that as fitting into the law of chastity. It's an abuse of the sacred.

 

On the other hand, if a couple is separated but honestly trying to grow together...I'm less strongly opinionated. But only just. I tend to feel that if you refuse to be in a marriage in all senses of the word (living together), then you don't really have the right to treat your marriage as a marriage in all senses of the word (physical intimacy).

 

You took my statement out of context. The whole sentence is; "ABSOLUTELY appropriate to be intimate during a "separation", if it is a part of a healthy, loving interaction I would suggest as often as both of you enjoy it too." 

 

Physical intimacy can be a crucial, powerful and even healing and uplifting part of marriage. As for the rest of your comments, they are judgmental and even shaming. Even in your "extreme" examples it is neither yours, the bishops nor mine as a therapist to make that judgement, neither is it appropriate and I would even suggest unrighteous dominion to say its braking the law of chastity. Nonetheless, even if it was the case a couple were to marry or even remain married "just for the sex". That is between them and the Lord.

 

The church has made significant efforts over the last 20 years training the leadership in its priesthood interviews to NOT involve themselves in the details of married couples sexual lives, ie staying out of the bedroom. As a Therapist I offer training to leadership on how to best do this. 

[The Folk Prophet]

You took my statement out of context. The whole sentence is; "ABSOLUTELY appropriate to be intimate during a "separation", if it is a part of a healthy, loving interaction I would suggest as often as both of you enjoy it too." 

 

Physical intimacy can be a crucial, powerful and even healing and uplifting part of marriage. As for the rest of your comments, they are judgmental and even shaming. Even in your "extreme" examples it is neither yours, the bishops nor mine as a therapist to make that judgement, neither is it appropriate and I would even suggest unrighteous dominion to say its braking the law of chastity. Nonetheless, even if it was the case a couple were to marry or even remain married "just for the sex". That is between them and the Lord.

 

The church has made significant efforts over the last 20 years training the leadership in its priesthood interviews to NOT involve themselves in the details of married couples sexual lives, ie staying out of the bedroom. As a Therapist I offer training to leadership on how to best do this. 

 

Excuse me. To exercise unrighteous dominion one has to actually exercise dominion. Expressing an opinion on a forum is in no way even close to dominion. I did not say it was up to the bishop or a therapist or me. You're putting words into my mouth unfairly. I stand by my opinion that there is a spirit of the law that can be broken even within marriage. Calling that opinion unrighteous dominion is ridiculous. Moreover, all instances of whether or not we are sinning are up to the Lord. That has no bearing on a discussion as to whether behavior is appropriate or not. Of course it's between them and the Lord. Same thing if a couple lies to each other or says mean things or ignore each other. And I would feel perfectly comfortable advising against such behavior whether you call it judgmental or not.

[CrossfitDan]

Excuse me. To exercise unrighteous dominion one has to actually exercise dominion. Expressing an opinion on a forum is in no way even close to dominion. I did not say it was up to the bishop or a therapist or me. You're putting words into my mouth unfairly. I stand by my opinion that there is a spirit of the law that can be broken even within marriage. Calling that opinion unrighteous dominion is ridiculous. Moreover, all instances of whether or not we are sinning are up to the Lord. That has no bearing on a discussion as to whether behavior is appropriate or not. Of course it's between them and the Lord. Same thing if a couple lies to each other or says mean things or ignore each other. And I would feel perfectly comfortable advising against such behavior whether you call it judgmental or not.

 

My comments were not intended to single you out, but rather convey a concept and principle in general.

[Backroads]

I say if you're looking towards repairing the marriage and one day ending the separation to resume traditional married life, I see nothing wrong with intimacy.

 

But I would avoid the "friends with benefits" thought process.

 

I think of that character in "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn".  The aunt, I believe, who kept marrying and leaving men because she was Catholic and couldn't get divorced... only to continually run back to sleep with the first husband.  Because, well, she was married to him.  Married to him only because they weren't divorced.

 

I'd avoid that...