Bini Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I declined an invitation to an engagement party and thought that was that. But I got a FB message demanding a reason why DH and I weren\'t attending. This person is family but extended and we\'re not close to her (or know her fiancé) at all. I\'ll send a congrats card, still deciding whether to bother sending a gift as well (but leaning towards no with her attitude), but I haven\'t responded to her message. I told my husband I was a bit offended that she demands an explanation - I don\'t think it\'s any of her business why we declined. I may not reply to it at all but maybe that\'s worse than doing so? If I choose to respond, what\'s a non-confrontational approach? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I wouldn't even respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I agree. You're not under any obligation to give a reason. Just ignore it. It will pass and be a non-issue. Roseslipper 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I dunno, demanding a reason sounds like the confrontation you're interested in avoiding may have already been brought to you. But you can test that out and say "Sorry, we have other plans". If there's still a problem, then someone is itching for a confrontation, and you might as well take the opportunity to set expectations that could last the next long time. (In other words, either schmooze and placate, or let her know you're not feeling close, and not really in the market for feeling closer any time soon.) Kawazu 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 If I have a legitimate and specific reason for not attending (previous plans, out of town, spouse has plans/no babysitter, etc.), I will sometimes give it. If it's a last minute girls' night and I just don't feel like going, I'll sometimes offer a simple, "I think I'll just stay home tonight, thanks!" But if I just don't want to go because I don't like the person, don't like their general attitude, don't want the sales pitch, can't afford to, don't want to spend money on something (even if I could afford it), etc., I generally don't give a reason. This is all in the context of a Facebook invitation or an Evite, which is what I typically get these days. For a wedding-type event, I assume the RSVP is a mail-back card. Usually those don't even have an option of including an explanation, and if they did, I probably wouldn't fill it in anyway. The purpose of an RSVP is to give the host/ess the courtesy of knowing how many people to plan for, with regard to food, space, party favors, and any other event-related quantities. It is not to facilitate a popularity contest or cause invitees to kowtow to every demand of the bride. That's what a wedding party is for. (Just kidding.) At this point, I'd go with what Eowyn said, and not even respond. Let it go, let it go! Backroads 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I very rarely give a reason in declining an invitation. If it is family, they already know why I can't make it... but, in case they ask, I usually send a response, especially if it is family. If this is your Filipino side of the family (there's no such thing as extended family on that side), definitely send a very kind response. If you don't want to go because you don't care for the bride and groom much, then just say, "I'm sorry, I can't make it to that event due to circumstances beyond my control." And then don't respond to any further probes. If this is not family, then you can just ignore the question or you can send the same blanket reason as above. Here's an advice from an old fogey - when somebody is being rude, our hackles rise because we have this automatic self-preservation instinct that wants to get back at them for being rude. But, very rarely does this provide you satisfaction - usually, it just exacerbates the situation and it becomes bigger than it has to be and... usually it is what the other guy wants, so he gets more of the satisfaction. It is always better to either, 1.) ignore it, 2.) tell them kindly they are being rude as a constructive criticism without addressing the issue that they were being rude about. And then forgive them for being rude. Make sense? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakumi Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 Depending on the person the excuse or the why will change.I am not gonna say "the dolls said I can't go" to my grandmother Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you don't want to go because you don't care for the bride and groom much, then just say, "I'm sorry, I can't make it to that event due to circumstances beyond my control." Haha. What a perfectly awesome way to diplomatically brush someone off. I love it. Wingnut 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 If you don't want to go because you don't care for the bride and groom much, then just say, "I'm sorry, I can't make it to that event due to circumstances beyond my control." And then don't respond to any further probes. Until this moment, I have not truly missed the "laugh" button yet. This.is.awesome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
classylady Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I declined an invitation to an engagement party and thought that was that. But I got a FB message demanding a reason why DH and I weren\'t attending. This person is family but extended and we\'re not close to her (or know her fiancé) at all. I\'ll send a congrats card, still deciding whether to bother sending a gift as well (but leaning towards no with her attitude), but I haven\'t responded to her message. I told my husband I was a bit offended that she demands an explanation - I don\'t think it\'s any of her business why we declined. I may not reply to it at all but maybe that\'s worse than doing so? If I choose to respond, what\'s a non-confrontational approach? I can understand that she might be curious, but that does not make it okay to ask outright why you aren't attending. IMO, she was rude to ask. Depending on the relationship with the person, I would either ignore it, or politely send a note saying that unfortunately previous plans have already been made for that evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NeuroTypical Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 "Sorry, I can't make it to the extreme odor."Refuse to clarify or explain further.If they invade your personal space, lean in close and say "Hail Hydra". Wingnut 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 Haha. What a perfectly awesome way to diplomatically brush someone off. I love it. Until this moment, I have not truly missed the "laugh" button yet. This.is.awesome. Believe it or not, this is the equivalent to "the dog ate my homework" in my high school. It was used so much that the faculty gave automatic zeroes if you use that excuse for not turning in homework, or being late, or being absent, etc. But yes, I milk that response even to today. Another one is... "I'm sorry, the laws of science and gravity did not align to get me out of my predicament." But that's too idiotic to say when you're not trying to be funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palerider Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 This is interesting.....my wife and I have conversations about this from time to time. She knows it really bugs me when I decline something and the person asks me why......or someone calls me and says....have tried to get in touch with you all day. I say we or I have been gone.....the reply back will be.....where you been ? That bugs me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applepansy Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I wouldn't respond. Sometimes I give a "why" and sometimes I don't. If someone demanded a reason I would probably not give one and ignore the FB post. I definitely wouldn't say why on facebook. Roseslipper 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beefche Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 My favorite response to an invitation is from Phoebe on Friends, "I wish I could, but I don't want to." Backroads, Wingnut and classylady 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wingnut Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 This is interesting.....my wife and I have conversations about this from time to time. She knows it really bugs me when I decline something and the person asks me why......or someone calls me and says....have tried to get in touch with you all day. I say we or I have been gone.....the reply back will be.....where you been ? That bugs me. My mom once taught me never to ask a person, "Hey, are you doing anything tonight?" (wait for "no" response) "Wanna hang out/go to a movie/other activity?" If they say "yes" to the first question, then obviously I won't ask the second, but if they say "no" to the first, I've just trapped/guilted them into the second. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted April 10, 2014 Report Share Posted April 10, 2014 I like Bart Simpson's, "I can't promise I'll try. But I'll try to try." Wingnut 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palerider Posted April 11, 2014 Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 I will say if my wife or close family asked me "why" they know I would tell them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted April 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 Don\'t have anything against her. But I was put off by her wanting to know WHY we couldn\'t come. I dunno, it was tacky I felt. I decided not to respond but if she calls, I\'m going to tell her that we have other plans, end of story. Honestly, I\'m surprised she bothered to inquire because we don\'t know each other well. I\'ve met her at two funerals and that\'s it. We\'ve said hi. Anyway, she\'s not going to miss us - I\'m hearing they sent out about 200 invitations - so... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Posted April 11, 2014 Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 I don't understand the reasoning behind having Engagement parties. Is it to get gifts?? If I politely declined an invitation, in writing, to anything (such as a RSVP note) - and then was asked why by the person inviting me, I think that I would say that Husband and I will be busy that day/ evening. If the person continued to pursue the questioning, again: We have committed to another invitation. If the person is so tactless as to ask a third time, then my response would be: Enough - asking once was rude of you, continuing to ask is beyond bad manners. Bini 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bini Posted April 11, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 Iggy, I think the "engagement party" is just that - they're hoping to cash in on gifts, giftcards, and or money. I could be speaking out of turn but that's the only reason I can come up with for them inviting pretty much every person they've ever encountered that lives in town. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notquiteperfect Posted April 11, 2014 Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 My mom had engagement parties for us kids (maybe just the daughters - ettiquette?) and it wasn't at all about getting gifts. It's a chance for the families to meet. My mom kept it small and simple but meaningful. As far as giving a reason for the decline - it depends on the situation/person for me. Wingnut 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 11, 2014 Report Share Posted April 11, 2014 Iggy, I think the "engagement party" is just that - they're hoping to cash in on gifts, giftcards, and or money. I could be speaking out of turn but that's the only reason I can come up with for them inviting pretty much every person they've ever encountered that lives in town. No. This is not the purpose of an Engagement Party. The Engagement Party has 2 main purposes:1.) Announce and Celebrate the engagement of 2 people.2.) Introduce families and friends of both sides because they're going to be families and friends by marriage soon. A lot of times this is where the people asked to be in the wedding party first meet and get comfortable which makes the wedding preparations smoother. Gifts are not usually expected in such parties. A lot of times, these parties are not announced as Engagement Parties because it sprung as a suprise to some unsuspecting family... So, I don't know how the gift-giving tradition of engagement parties came into play. I've been to several of these and we never bring gifts. There is a chance the engagement does not end in a wedding... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roseslipper Posted April 12, 2014 Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 My favorite response to an invitation is from Phoebe on Friends, "I wish I could, but I don't want to." lol I do miss the laugh button Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lakumi Posted April 12, 2014 Report Share Posted April 12, 2014 lol I do miss the laugh button Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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