Day 07: It's getting much harder...

[Awakened]

It's been seven days since I last had that experience that awoke me and set me on the right path. At that time, since I felt no temptation at all to return to my previous bad habits, I thought it would stay that way. Unfortunately, that temptation started to come again and, as these days have gone by, it's been growing a little bit since. It finally hit rather hard last night and I had a lot of trouble fighting it off. It's still not as strong as it once was but now I'm really worrying.

 

BTW, yes, I've been keeping to reading my scriptures and praying. I have kept the WoW, not sworn, or commited fornication or any sexual sin whatsoever. I've also been trying to participate in service projects as much as I can. I've went to two already. The only thing I can think of that I haven't done lately is pay my tithing (which I do plan on doing) and to not go to those sites at all. (which I've only been going to one and only to tell someone there exactly why I was leaving) Nevertheless, after all this, that temptation is very much there and I don't know if it will even stop growing.

 

I'm dealing with it so far and as I said, it's still not at the level it once was. I just thought that this was over with. If anyone has any thoughts at all on this, I would like to hear them.

 

For those who don't know what's going on in this post: http://lds.net/forums/topic/53541-a-pursuit-of-serenity/

[The Folk Prophet]

There is, and always will be, an aspect of sheer willpower to obedience. And the more we have allowed ourselves to be chained by sin, the harder it can be when trying to break free. The spirit can and will help you, but it will not turn you into a puppet that just obeys without any will. That is, however, exactly what Satan has been doing with you as you have allowed yourself into his web. When it all comes down to it, you simply have to deny yourself. It is a force of will. Other things will help, and they will help a lot. Particularly long term they will make all the difference in the world. But God will not take away your agency. You must choose. Of this you are capable.

 

You might consider, if you have not, seeking therapeutic, ecclesiastic, and perhaps familial help. Once again, these are helps. But at the end of the day, you have to deny yourself these things. It is up to you.

[notquiteperfect]

You didn't mention fasting so I suggest you add that to your tool box.  I also wonder if taking up a productive hobby will help (use up 'free time' so you always have something to do - day or night).  Also, what you focus on gets bigger so direct your attention on the good things that are going on - and only that.

[mnn727]

Yeah, I don't doubt for a minute that its hard, but you know what? most worthwhile things are.

Cravings whether its porn, cigs, booze, etc hit hard for a while, then with time they get to be less and less.

I gave up smoking long before joining the Church, man that was rough, but I've been smoke free for 27 years now and let me tell you, I have not had a craving for a long time (at least 25 years) and in fact I can't stand to be near a smoker. Cravings are strong for a few months, may be even a year but then come further and further in between. It'll eventually be the same with your porn issue, just hold to it.

 

As my tagline says: Worship, without sacrifice, is just words.

We all have our favorite sins, but we can rise above them, its not always easy but its worth it.

 

 

 

I wish you well.

[Awakened]

There is, and always will be, an aspect of sheer willpower to obedience. And the more we have allowed ourselves to be chained by sin, the harder it can be when trying to break free. The spirit can and will help you, but it will not turn you into a puppet that just obeys without any will. That is, however, exactly what Satan has been doing with you as you have allowed yourself into his web. When it all comes down to it, you simply have to deny yourself. It is a force of will. Other things will help, and they will help a lot. Particularly long term they will make all the difference in the world. But God will not take away your agency. You must choose. Of this you are capable.

 

You might consider, if you have not, seeking therapeutic, ecclesiastic, and perhaps familial help. Once again, these are helps. But at the end of the day, you have to deny yourself these things. It is up to you.

You're right. I thought I could ride that spiritual wave through but I guess I need to carry myself the rest of the way. It's still shocking to me though. A week ago, going back to this sin held absolutely no allure for me. I could see very clearly and was so ready to get back on track. But now, even though I am on track, I'm losing that vision. I will always remember that night but I'm slowly losing the memory of that incredible feeling I experienced.

 

I'm on the edge I suppose. I need to have faith in the Lord to carry myself over to solid ground but those demons are trying to get me over the edge and back into that waking dream. And that's partly what's keeping me on safe ground for now. If, even after all this, I slip just once and fall, I don't think I'll ever be able to get back up. I feel like I only have one chance.

 

You didn't mention fasting so I suggest you add that to your tool box.  I also wonder if taking up a productive hobby will help (use up 'free time' so you always have something to do - day or night).  Also, what you focus on gets bigger so direct your attention on the good things that are going on - and only that.

Yes, I was thinking about fasting just today. I'll try it on Fast Sunday. As to things to do, I can certainly think of things to occupy my time and I am doing them. The problem is, these temptations like to come randomly anyway. And here lies the nasty part about porn. Those images you saw and erotic literature you read, that doesn't just go away. It stays with you and will come into your mind at random times. And when it happens, it's pretty much too late to prevent it of course and no matter how fast you get it out of your mind, it will still leave you in a worse state than you were before. You're tempted without even looking or thinking about it at the time.

 

Yeah, I don't doubt for a minute that its hard, but you know what? most worthwhile things are.

Cravings whether its porn, cigs, booze, etc hit hard for a while, then with time they get to be less and less.

I gave up smoking long before joining the Church, man that was rough, but I've been smoke free for 27 years now and let me tell you, I have not had a craving for a long time (at least 25 years) and in fact I can't stand to be near a smoker. Cravings are strong for a few months, may be even a year but then come further and further in between. It'll eventually be the same with your porn issue, just hold to it.

 

As my tagline says: Worship, without sacrifice, is just words.

We all have our favorite sins, but we can rise above them, its not always easy but its worth it.

 

 

 

I wish you well.

Indeed. A couple months seems a while though. Perhaps I'm stronger than I know.

 

When thinking of people's favorite sins, the words, "perfect disease" come to mind. It's that one thing that you swear seems desgned especially for you in order to make you submit so it can bring you down into captivity.

 

Thank you all so much for your support. I'd like to say that I'm actually not fond of posting these topics. I feel like I'm putting some of the load on you guys' shoulders even just by asking what you all think. I've seen this site a couple times and I see a lot of people asking for advice about their life. And that's fine. I just would rather be the one that helps rather than needs helping if that makes any sense to you all.

[Awakened]

Day 09: It's official now. The temptation is now back to the levels it once was. Sometimes I'll have long moments of reprieve from these dark thoughts of mine but it always comes back sooner or later and it always comes back hard. Funnily enough, when I do get those incredibly strong desires, I find that playing an annoying song repeatedly will do wonders to clear your mind. It's a rather brute force method that isn't always available but I find it to be effective. But even doing that though requires some willpower.

 

But what will happen if I can keep resisting for a month? What will happen if I fail? ...

 

BTW, if people would like me to keep posting updates to my situation, I'll be happy to do it. Just let me know. Otherwise, this will be the last update to this thread.

[Quin]

But what will happen if I can keep resisting for a month? What will happen if I fail? ....

To start backwards? What happens if you fail?

I actually call this the \\\"and then what?\\\" game... Which is a way to calm down from freaking out / future tripping. Which may seem ironic, but future tripping is just as blinding as getting stuck and unable to see a way out. We make choices, and choices all have a couple different outcomes. Being dispassionate about those outcomes \\\"Okay. We got this. Or that. Whichever happens.\\\" Tooooooooooones down the adrenaline.

(Like \\\"What if he breaks up with me???\\\" then I\\\'m going to feel crummy. And then what? I\\\'m going to eat too many brownies and spend too much time at the gym. And then what? I\\\'m going to start feeling better, and lay off the brownies. & gym. And then what? I\\\'ll probably start dating someone new. And then what? We\\\'ll either break up or get married. And then what?

Okay. Fail. And then what? Either you keep doing it, or you start over.

Okay. 30 days. And then what? 60/90/6mo/12mo... Days become weeks, become months, become years, become a lifetime.

Sometimes we end up in a holding pattern in our lives, repeating the same things over and over... Either because we\\\'re making the same mistakes (be it drinking alcohol, dating jerks, running from embarrassment, going to bed too late to wake up on time), or because that\\\'s the way of it (like one usually has to date many people, or find more than one job in their life, etc.).

The first bit we can learn to stop making those mistakes.

In time.

With practice.

In my own life, I\\\'ve learned that the \\\"weight lifted\\\" / \\\"this is easy\\\" feeling is the GIFT.

Not the normal course of events.

The normal course of events = struggling.

With periods of gifted ease.

Those periods of ease stretch into longer and longer times (seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years)

Until EVENTUALLY instead of a moment of respite, it\\\'s a moment of being torn up.

It\'s not that struggle = wrong.

It\'s that struggle = new.

When you\'re new at something, it\'s rarely easy.

And that\'s okay.

It\'s going to be hard when you\'re new at something.

For a while.

And then it gets easier in time.

Q

[Awakened]

snip

You're right but...

 

Well first things first. I have some bad news. I slipped up last night and committed the sin of masturbation yet again. It was a combination of a couple of things that caused this, the number one reason being that I haven't fully submitted to God yet. I don't have full faith inside me yet that God could offer a better alternative to the immense pleasure that internet pornography brings me. Although I haven't actually looked at any internet porn yet for a while, a part of me is still hanging on to it. I mean, logically speaking, I do know that God offers a much better alternative. It's stated many, many times that he does. But I personally don't have any experience with this and I don't see anyone constantly enough that has this faith to be an exemplar to me.

 

Nevertheless, having known for a while about my lack of faith, this recent sin hasn't actually come as a suprise to me. What scares me though is that I only felt a little bit of guilt about it and even then, only while it was being done. I may be overreacting here but we all know this is how the big sins start. First it's a little sin maybe once or twice a week and then pretty soon, I'm on the computer indulging in porn again. I have to be incredibly strict But therein is the problem. I also don't have enough faith yet and I fear that if I don't have enough, all my work is in reality for nothing and it'll only be a matter of time before these cracks in my defenses are exploited fully and I am lost again.

 

Having said all that though, I'm sorry for putting out another update when another one wasn't called for. I'll be sure to keep them as low as possible if not there entirely.

[notquiteperfect]

Are you going to the ARP meetings?  Also, along the lines of my earlier post - you need to change your language on this.  Stop saying "I don't have enough faith" because you will only prove yourself right ("as a man thinketh, so is he")!  Change that to "I have enough faith in myself and God to overcome this", etc.  Write these types of thoughts out if you need to so you can refer to them often until it sticks.

[Awakened]

Are you going to the ARP meetings?  Also, along the lines of my earlier post - you need to change your language on this.  Stop saying "I don't have enough faith" because you will only prove yourself right ("as a man thinketh, so is he")!  Change that to "I have enough faith in myself and God to overcome this", etc.  Write these types of thoughts out if you need to so you can refer to them often until it sticks.

No, I haven't for several reasons. One is because I rely on my parents to drive me anywhere (sad, I know) and I don't think I'm ready for them to know about this yet. Another reason is gas money. We're all paying the bills here and we each need to keep our spending in check. And finally, I don't think the small town I live in would have an active one at all anyway.

 

Yes, you'd be right, but faith without a clear goal doesn't really work. A lot of people could tell me they're completely happy living the Gospel and I could read the Scriptures for days at a time, solid, but I feel like until I can see it with my own eyes... It's like praying to know if the BoM is true. You can listen to all these people's stories on how they received that witness, but it will always be something you just need to do for yourself. Likewise, I feel like this is something I need to see for myself. Am I wrong? (Seriously, if you do, please tell me straight up. I love honesty.)

[notquiteperfect]

Well, you can still access the ARP info: http://addictionrecovery.lds.org/steps?lang=eng and I'm sure there are other websites that you might find helpful until you can go to the meetings.

You're right - but it has nothing to do with my suggestions.

[Awakened]

You're right - but it has nothing to do with my suggestions.

Are you sure? You're saying that I should keep telling myself that I have enough faith in the Lord until I actually do, are you not?

 

Actually, it's kind of ironic because for other things, I have no trouble in having faith in the Lord. If there's a tough financial situation, I have faith. If I'm seriously sick, I have faith. If my brother is about to keel over because he drank too much, I have faith.

 

So why can't I have faith in the amazing happiness the Lord can bring into one's life?

[notquiteperfect]

Let me try again - Thoughts and words are powerful!  What you tell yourself matters - a lot - so make sure how you phrase things is what you *want* (not what you don't). Have you heard of the idea of using visualization to bring about changes you want to see?  It's like that.  Use the power of your mind (and language) to your benefit.  What you believe will become your reality.

 

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he

 

Also, I'm not just referring to having enough faith - this applies to all aspects of your situation.

http://thecarolblog.com/how-to-predict-your-future-create-it/
 

[Awakened]

Let me try again - Thoughts and words are powerful!  What you tell yourself matters - a lot - so make sure how you phrase things is what you *want* (not what you don't). Have you heard of the idea of using visualization to bring about changes you want to see?  It's like that.  Use the power of your mind (and language) to your benefit.  What you believe will become your reality.

 

Proverbs 23:7 For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he

 

Also, I'm not just referring to having enough faith - this applies to all aspects of your situation.

http://thecarolblog.com/how-to-predict-your-future-create-it/

 

Oh, you're talking about perspective. OK. Once again you're right. I keep forgetting that principle.

 

However, I've been struggling with this for a while (the porn is actually a somewhat recent thing) and it's been quite disheartening whenever I try to quit and I just slip up again even though the way I tried to quit was wrong those times. Also doesn't help that the whole thing is so harmless (to everyone else), so pleasureful, so accessible, and stays in the mind. Even if you looked at just what it does to you personally, it's rather hard to find something and you really have to look deep inside.

 

A good part of repentance starts with some sort of guilt or remorse, but with a sin like this that conceals its effects so well...

 

Yeah.

[notquiteperfect]

It's more than just perspective (did you read the link???).

As far as harmless to only yourself - hardly!  As a woman, I find this habit degrading and offensive to my entire gender.  Furthermore, I don't want to discourage you but this may affect future relationships more than you think (let that motivate you instead).  I'll leave it at that.

One other thing, you mentioned earlier that you're not ready to tell your parents.  If it were me, I'd expect to be informed about what's going on in my home.

[notquiteperfect]

Changed my mind - I'm not going to "leave it at that" because I think there's something else you should be aware of.  Some people are very sensitive to the energy that people give off and they can sense when something isn't quite right.  Since they are so attune, they are very careful about who they choose to be around because they are bothered by it if it's less than positive.

To say this another way, the spirit/energy you bring with you affects other people and the climate of the group/feel of the room.  So no, this habit is not "harmless to everyone else".

[Awakened]

It's more than just perspective (did you read the link???).

As far as harmless to only yourself - hardly!  As a woman, I find this habit degrading and offensive to my entire gender.  Furthermore, I don't want to discourage you but this may affect future relationships more than you think (let that motivate you instead).  I'll leave it at that.

One other thing, you mentioned earlier that you're not ready to tell your parents.  If it were me, I'd expect to be informed about what's going on in my home.

Yes and no. I glanced at it. What's she's saying is very, very similar if not identitcal to the concepts expounded upon in the book, "The Secret". Perhaps perspective was a bad choice of word there.

 

Porn degrades everyone it involves. No one is safe. And you're right about relationships getting affected by this. But that's the thing. As you know, I have no relationships at the moment. And as for my parents, well, there are no kids in the house whatsoever and I try to keep this to a minimum and even then, only at night when people are sleeping.

 

Changed my mind - I'm not going to "leave it at that" because I think there's something else you should be aware of.  Some people are very sensitive to the energy that people give off and they can sense when something isn't quite right.  Since they are so attune, they are very careful about who they choose to be around because they are bothered by it if it's less than positive.

To say this another way, the spirit/energy you bring with you affects other people and the climate of the group/feel of the room.  So no, this habit is not "harmless to everyone else".

 

Although I was talking more in terms of seeable consequences (like too much smoking will cause you to have health problems), yes, I was thinking about this as well. Even with that though, as you said, some aren't so attuned and those that are may just brush it off. This is a consequence indeed but a rather indirect one.

 

No, the biggest noticeable consequence of all this for me is my thoughts. The more I do it, the more thoughts I have that are indecent and will just feel generally more sad and/or angry and/or tired depending on how much I keep doing it. It also feels like this weight on my mind that I don't exactly notice until it's gone.