Newlywed Woes/ Lack of affection in the home..


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My husband and I have only been married for a little less than 4 months. I am a convert to the LDS church coming up on 3 years. My husband and I have known each other since right after I was baptized, starting dating last March. Admittingly, I had a dark past, had ex's that I did unmentionable things with before I was a member. My husband has been a member his whole life, I am the first girl he ever dated or was serious with. Something that I worried about early on was our affection towards one another. We never did anything crossing the line while dating or engaged. If anything it was quite the oposite. He never initiated kisses, holding hands, cuddling. In fact, I pursued him to go on a date with me. Now after marriage, I am still the one initiating everything. However it hurts me to always be the one to try and set "the mood". It makes me feel there is something wrong with me, or he doesn't want me in a physical way.

 

Whenever I mention this to my husband, it breaks his heart. I tell him I know he loves and cares about me, that he just doesn't seem to love me in that way. He puts himself down beyond belief when I say this, saying to me how horrible of a spouse he is, how I don't deserve him and he is failing at our marriage. In turn it tears me to pieces to see him hurting because of my complaints. After much crying and heartache, we both agree I communicate better what I want from him, and he tries to be more affectionate. However after a day or two its right back to where it began. I don't want to tell him I want affection, I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't think about needing or wanting affection, sees me putting of a fake happy face and doesn't know I need love even though he is fine without it.

 

I want him to want to be with me. I want him to initiate affection. But every passing day I try to even put out little hints and he either doesn't catch on or denies me due to him being tired from work or school.

 

I pray about it. I have fasted about it. Talking to him hasn't seemed to work but make matters worse, putting us both in emotional termoil. I don't know what to do. I have gained a little weight, and although my husband notices it doesn't bother him or stop him from being loving or kind. I do my best to hide my sadness to avoid making him feel guilty of making me feel hurt, alone and lacking of love.

 

I am unmotivated to do anything, school, cooking, cleaning, bathing, socializing. We don't read our scriptures daily. I try to, but he always forgets or never thinks to read them on his own or with me. Like our love life, I don't want to constantly remind him to read scriptures or have Family Home Evening or plan a day to go to the temple. I want him to want those things on his own. But he doesn't. I love my husband more than anything in this universe other than my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I want him to be happy. If my suffering in silence keeps the peace, I will do what I can. I don't ask for pity or attention. I am just so broken and alone, I wanted to say/type it, get it out of my system so I am not totally alone.

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Well, I don't know if he is socially awkward in some way, but it sounds like he could be, as someone who shares that mindset- things often just don't come to mind, I write notes to myself constantly. For near everything I do. I care about things, friends, etc but I have to do this or I will forget completely.

 

Lack of experience can do that to someone too, they are thrown into a position they do not understand. It all looks easy, but when one is tossed into something like that, it can be confusing.

I myself delt with things similar, I didn't know what to do, when to do it, I was totally blind, but made that clear from the beginning.

And sometimes some people are less affectionate then others, different drives. I am sure he loves you and is attracted to you, but things like drive can be effected by stress and all sorts. Sometimes nervousness, it's something quite detailed that many things can effect.

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He is very introverted, not that he avoids socializing or human interaction. He is just quiet, reserved and does not get very close to people. I know he loves me and tells me I am beautiful all the time. I agree, marriage might be just a new experience to him so much he doesn't know what to do 100% of the time. And I will try to recommend a journal for him to keep to remind him of things. Thank you so much for your thoughts.

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From what I read, you both love each other.  Don't forget that!

First things first.  Are you praying together and individually?  Are you reading the scriptures?  If not, start now!  It does not matter who initiates the actions.  Sometimes in marriage one has to help the other, and sometimes one has to accept help.  Either way, those things must be done.  If you choose not to, both of you do so at tremendous risk of spiritual peril.

Pray for humility.  Don't take that wrong; I am not saying that you are in any way at fault.  Humility is so very valuable in any relationship.  It is the antidote to pride and selfishness.  Those two things do significant damage to our spirits which, in turn, damage our relationships.

The adversary knows your relationship is not perfect and he is going work hard to destroy it.  You two are a young couple, a literal sapling of a new family tree and Satan knows that if he doesn't smash that young little tree now it's going to be a lot harder when it's grown with strong roots and great branches.  Satan is going to work hard, and that means that both of you are going to work harder than him.  The Savior and others will be there to help when things get tough, so don't give up.

 

Please, seek the counsel of your Bishop or Branch President.  He has stewardship to help you.  He can also assist you in getting professional help.  There is no shame in seeking priesthood and/or professional help, just as there is no shame in using the atonement.

 

Don't worry.  If you both bear this trial with faith, your relationship will be stronger and happier.
 

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The rest of my answer hinges to a "Yes" answer from the following question. If the answer is no... You get a whole bother answer!

1) When you initiate, is he receptive?

I'm both female & ex-military. Which is pertinent in that before enlisting I very much had an idea about men&mars, women&venus (aka men do this & women do that) concept in not just in my head, but in my gut, even bone deep.

Boy did I learn how wrong I was!

When you're one of 9 women around roughly 1500 men (they say the ratio is 4% women. That's only true lookin at the whole)... Eventually you lose your "girl" status. You're just one of the guys. (Until they remember you're a girl for this reason or that reason, usually meaning wearing civvies or their girlfriend has just dumped them, and then they forget again).

Here are some things / hints I learned about men.

- Men gossip. Horribly. To an unbelievable degree. Constantly.

((They give it manly names like 'shooting the breeze, BS'ing, catchin up' et cetera and then code of silence refuse to divulge any of it, so one literally has to "be there" but it is mind blowing how much personal info is bandied about. Keeeeeerazy levels of personal info.))

- A HUGE percentage of guys are total sweethearts. Puppies & babies & all things ooey-gooey. (Look like the Marlborough Man, with hearts on their camo sleeve... If you hurt them, sister, I will FIND you (clearly not you, you, but that's they kind of loyalty they engender from all the sisters, friends, etc. around them) ... Big bro, little bro, just GOOD people. That women tend to shred to bits thinking they're men&mars&moronic because they're tough looking, plain spoken, & pushovers.

- Roughly about 1/3 of men prefer to be wooed.

Yep.

That's the one right there that is super-pertinant.

Whether it's flirting, or honey moon, or 20 years deep in a marriage... They're head over heels, deeply & passionately in love... But they ARENT the initiators. Almost ever. Braggers? For darn sure. Most of them get this huge old grin and start talking about how their wife (or girlfriend) is the BEST... And then launch into a story about the wonderful XYZ thing said wife/girlfriend did (totally arranged childcare with gran & a weekend away, called them up during lunch, sent wuv letters, picked them up at work, met them at the door wearing a smile, planned their anniversary, snagged them out to a just because pic nic.... 10,000 different initiating behaviors.

Personalities amongst these men ran from super-machismo to artsy.

There was no personality "type", and I stopped being surprised early on when no racial or cultural background could give you a tell... The guys who like to be chased, like to be chased. Regardless of race, ethnicity, culture, personality (you catch those commonalities early when everyone is thrown together, like southern men tend to do this, New Yorkers tend to do that, Latin guys use a lot of flowery language, etc.).

PERSONALLY, I'm the type that likes to be chased, as well, so I dated very very few of these guys... But was friends-acquaintances with dozens if not hundreds.

They don't change their stripes.

I knew 60+ year old Command Mstr.Guns who got all starry eyed at the latest thing their wife did for them, chatting it up right next to the 18yp private gushing about his girl.

These are the kind of men who you come sit on their knee... They will never pull you on their lap.

These are the kind of men you say "Baby, you're taking me out to dinner tonight."

These are the kind of men who will treat you like a GODDESS, as long as you are self confident enough to assume the role.

You have to be confidant, though.

You have to KNOW how much, down to the GROUND, they adore you.

Because they will never (very very very rarely) take the lead.

You have to open the door for them to walk through it.

And if you want to be carried through it, you have to jump into their arms.

Which is EXACTLY what they want you to do.

Q

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It sounds like you both have different love languages.  Get the book and both of you read it - together if needed. http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

 

Also, keep in mind that the first year of marriage sets the stage for a lot of things so it's important to read, pray, get to the temple, etc no matter who has to make it happen.

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It sounds like you both have different love languages.  Get the book and both of you read it - together if needed. http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156

 

Also, keep in mind that the first year of marriage sets the stage for a lot of things so it's important to read, pray, get to the temple, etc no matter who has to make it happen.

 

I agree, this is the thought that came to my mind when I started reading what you've written although the book I'm familiar with is "The Five Love Languages"

 

I feel for you and pray that the Lord will grant you the light and knowledge you are seeking.

 

Depending on things, while I may be off on this, how are his testostrone levels?

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