I'm pregnant, not married...need advice please!!!


cherrylemonade
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For some background, I was raised in the church and went to BYU. I became inactive at 22 and am currently 27.  I started dating a non-member a little over a year ago...it has always been nothing serious in my eyes and I do NOT want to marry him. He is not religious, and not anti-LDS, but he is very opinionated about religion in general. (He thinks it's dumb). Over the past month I have had a burning desire to break up with this guy and come back to church and live my life right. I want to get married in the temple. I want that peace back in my life. 

 

This is all great....except I just found out that I am pregnant (he does not know yet). I know my options. Abortion makes me sick, even though I  read many church talks regarding it and am aware that I could be forgiven. It also makes me sick to think about a broken family in which the child's father would talk very negatively about the LDS church and possibly forbid baptism. He would never allow me to give the child up for adoption. In my state the father has rights the second the baby is born. 

 

I thought about going to a bishop for advice...(I don't really have one, as I haven't been to church in 5 yrs). 

 

I need some advice...or just someone who can tell me that everything will be ok. 

 

I'm still in denial & shock :(

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I think your options are to put the child up for adoption or to keep the child.

 

If you decide to keep this child you are forever connected with this guy whether you marry him or not and he will be an influence in the child's life.

 

I think adoption is a very good option. The LDS adoption process is top notch.

 

I'm sorry about your situation.

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I agree with notquiteperfect. Being pregnant is not a good reason to get married to someone and be miserable the rest of your life.

 

Oh...and by the way. Everything will be okay. Particularly if you turn back to God and the gospel.

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Adoption is not an option. Unfortunately he would never let me do that and he has rights in my state :( . I would love to, otherwise. 

 

In general, I would agree with your state, a father should have rights in these situations. Why do you say that he would never consent to an adoption? Is it because he is ready and willing to be involved in this child's life both financially and otherwise? Or is he planning on being one of those deadbeats?

 

I know next to nothing about family law, so I would ask you and anyone here who is familiar with family law -- if marriage, abortion, and adoption are all completely off the table, would there be real value, before the baby is born, to sit down with a lawyer and start to discuss/negotiate:

who will be the primary caregiver for the child?

visitation/custody arrangements for both primary caregiver and the other parent?

who will pay for what and how much child support each parent will pay?

and so on.

 

If adoption is off the table, then both of you, in one way or another, need to take responsibility for this child and figure out how you will together raise him/her. It seems to me that these things may be easier to start planning and preparing for before the child is born than after.

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I know my options. Abortion makes me sick, even though I  read many church talks regarding it and am aware that I could be forgiven.

 

I have been bothered enough by this to speak up.

 

Simply put, from a gospel perspective, this is not an option. Do not deceive yourself. You could be forgiven...but it is not guaranteed. This is not a cavalier thing and you run great, great risk. You know better. Forgiveness for intentionally ending a life when you darned well know better? Well...no one can say absolutely. It is the Lord's to judge. But the risk you are taking in approaching it with this as an "option" is beyond monumental.

 

I cannot state this strongly enough.

 

Take this option off the table!

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In general, I would agree with your state, a father should have rights in these situations. Why do you say that he would never consent to an adoption? Is it because he is ready and willing to be involved in this child's life both financially and otherwise? Or is he planning on being one of those deadbeats?

 

I know next to nothing about family law, so I would ask you and anyone here who is familiar with family law -- if marriage, abortion, and adoption are all completely off the table, would there be real value, before the baby is born, to sit down with a lawyer and start to discuss/negotiate:

who will be the primary caregiver for the child?

visitation/custody arrangements for both primary caregiver and the other parent?

who will pay for what and how much child support each parent will pay?

and so on.

 

He is definitely not a deadbeat...he is ready and willing to be a part of the child's life. Talking with a lawyer would be smart. 

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Adoption is not an option. Unfortunately he would never let me do that and he has rights in my state :( . I would love to, otherwise. 

 

I know this is a personal situation--a tremendously difficult one.  However, it only seems right to me that if the father were willing to take the child, that he should have that right.  Abortion can be forgiven--just about anything can.  However, planning to do something so terrible, with the idea that it could eventually be forgiven seeems to be dangerous spiritual ground. 

 

So, if the sticking point is difference in faith, and that's enough to keep you from marriage, then it would seem that the choices are to either let the father take the child, or keep him, understanding there will be interactions with the father.  If you hope to raise the child LDS, then is there any choice?  You keep the baby, and work out the child's exposure to faith with the father, and perhaps the family court system, if it comes to that.

 

BTW, I affirm your instinct not to marry someone with such sharp spiritual differences.  This is a difficult road, but God will strengthen and bless you and baby with every righteous choice you make.

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I thought about going to a bishop for advice...(I don't really have one, as I haven't been to church in 5 yrs). 

 

I need some advice...or just someone who can tell me that everything will be ok. 

 

I'm still in denial & shock :(

 

Everyone has a bishop.  Regardless of where your records are, you can talk to your local Bishop.

 

Bishops have stewardships over their AREA... not just their ward.

 

Find a Bishop near you.  Don't worry if he'll be 'your' Bishop or not.  Let him help you figure that out.  You need someone to talk to, in person, and to discuss possible options with LDS Adoption Serivces.

 

https://www.lds.org/maps/?lang=eng#ll=

 

Here's another GREAT website I'd recommend reviewing:

https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/ct/pregnant?lang=eng

 

Apparently free pregnancy counseling is available.  Just contact them.

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Everything WILL be okay!!!!

 

Please, do not consider abortion.  I have a friend that has been involved with it.  It troubles them, and that is putting it nicely.  Forgiveness for something of such a serious nature, especially when one has the knowledge that it is grievous, is much more difficult than raising a child or choosing adoption.

 

Wanting peace in your life, wanting to go back to church, wanting to get married in the temple- these are all things that you can have and can do!  You can have a happy marriage.  You can have a happy family.  God has not left you and he never will.  

 

Go to church and meet the Bishop.  Satan will try to make you think that everyone at church is perfect or only has minor problems.  I can tell you that is most certainly not the case and very far from the truth.  We all have our problems and we are all in need of the atonement.  Spiritually, it does not matter where you are at, only the direction you are traveling.  You are not alone.  Jesus Christ knows you and how you feel.  He knows your pain, your sorrow, and despair.  From the Savior himself:

 

"For the Father himself aloveth you, because ye have loved me, and have bbelieved that I came out from God."

 

"These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might haveapeace. In the bworld ye shall have ctribulation: but be of gooddcheer; I have eovercome the world." (John 16:27,33)

 

 

Remember to think of the good and try to be happy in your tribulations.  The Messiah has overcome the world so that we can have happiness here.  Things might be really tough right now, but they will get better.  In the end, repentance always brings the peace of forgiveness and the comfort of healing.

 

You can do this.

 

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I have been bothered enough by this to speak up.

 

Simply put, from a gospel perspective, this is not an option. Do not deceive yourself. You could be forgiven...but it is not guaranteed. This is not a cavalier thing and you run great, great risk. You know better. Forgiveness for intentionally ending a life when you darned well know better? Well...no one can say absolutely. It is the Lord's to judge. But the risk you are taking in approaching it with this as an "option" is beyond monumental.

 

I cannot state this strongly enough.

 

Take this option off the table!

 

Maybe it's just me, but the OP seemed pretty clear about not getting an abortion.  The extent of her mention of it was that it makes her sick, despite what she's been taught.  I don't think she's entertaining the idea at all.

 

 

 

To the OP:  I'm going to take a different tactic here.

 

(1) Are you taking a prenatal vitamin yet?  The early weeks are the most important for getting adequate folic acid (as well as iron and other vitamins).

(2) Have you seen a doctor yet?  You should see one for the first time around 7-9 weeks at the latest.  The doctor can also help counsel you (non-spiritually) on your options, and will likely (hopefully) respect your wish not to abort.

(3) Educate yourself.  My favorite pregnancy book is Your Pregnancy Week by Week, by Glade Curtis and Judith Schuler.

(4) Make sure you have an adequate support network.  Family, friends, church leaders.  Don't try to isolate yourself and be alone in your trouble.  Do your penance in other ways...you will need support.  When you see your doctor, ask about local groups affiliated with the hospital.

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The most important advice I can give you is to give yourself permission to love your baby.  I used to work with teen parents and saw that many times in an unplanned pregnancy women would feel that if they expressed love for the baby before he/she was born that others would think she tried to get pregnant. Women with religious backgrounds had difficulty seeing that loving their baby didn't mean they were unrepentant for the sex outside of marriage.  Fornication is a sin, but being pregnant is not sin.

 

Your options are adoption or raising your child alone. Even if you don't marry, the baby should still have the father in his/her life. Children raised without a father have a greater risk of dropping out of school, being imprisoned, becoming teen parents, living in poverty, etc... It is hard work raising a child in typical circumstances and even more difficult as a single parent.  Adoption can bless another couple, but you will deeply grieve the loss of your baby and sometimes adopted children (sometimes, not always) wonder if they were unlovable or if their mothers didn't love them enough to keep them.

 

Please get counsel from a reputable counseling center.  Some agencies that provide adoption tend to push adoption through emotionally coercive means. Try to find a pro-life agency that will walk you through the decision process in an unbiased way.  http://pregnancydecisionline.org/ will refer you do a crisis pregnancy center.

 

God does love you! Through the Bible we see that Christ had a very special love for women in difficult situations like this.  May I encourage you to read through Mark and John?  This will bring you a ton of peace,

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First, hugs for you.  This must be terrifying for you.  Indeed, find yourself a good support network and counsel both religious and secular.  And get that prenatal care!  You have some big decisions facing you.

 

My thoughts:

 

  • Yep, take the abortion topic off the table.  Don't even consider or the possibility of forgiveness.
  • I, quite frankly, support states who support the rights of biological fathers.  This is also your boyfriend's baby.  He may not be marriage material for you, but that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to be in his child's life. 
  • If you don't feel you should marry him, don't!  But as soon as you can, bring up the pregnancy as well as your desire to break-up.  The father should hae say.
  • And, my goodness, take care of yourself.  I can't stress the importance of a support network enough.
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I have been bothered enough by this to speak up.

 

Simply put, from a gospel perspective, this is not an option. Do not deceive yourself. You could be forgiven...but it is not guaranteed. This is not a cavalier thing and you run great, great risk. You know better. Forgiveness for intentionally ending a life when you darned well know better? Well...no one can say absolutely. It is the Lord's to judge. But the risk you are taking in approaching it with this as an "option" is beyond monumental.

 

I cannot state this strongly enough.

 

Take this option off the table!

 

I agree with this.  Especially with the attitude, "I can be forgiven so let me do it anyway."

 

One of the big questions is...Could you forgive yourself if you did this?

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I second the idea of talking to a lawyer in your jurisdiction.  First, because knowledge is power; and second, because you're going to need a court order to establish custody, parent time, child support, etc. sooner or later (and if you do try to push the adoption thing without his consent--that's possible, depending on the states involved; but it's a legal minefield and you shouldn't trust an agency to walk you through it).

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If adoption is truly out of the question and marrying the guy is also truly out of the question then the only option you have left is either to raise your baby or have the father raise your baby.

 

This would be my advice in this case:  Dedicate one day to Prayer.  Then tell the guy you're pregnant, tell him you are going back to church and that you are going to raise the child LDS and then ask him if he can meet with the missionaries.

 

The Church is true and the Holy Ghost can soften hearts.

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Abortion is not the answer.  Not ever!

 

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.  I agree with the advice to break up and start going back to church.  Then fast and pray about what the right decision should be or that the baby's father's heart will be softened to allow adoption.

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Wow.

So many many moons ago... I knew I was supposed to break up with my boyfriend.

Put it off.

Found out I was pregnant.

Broke up with him.

As I was giving him no say in the matter (abortion WAS on the table, I decided not to, and was giving him no say in it), I told him he was welcome in the baby's life if he wanted to be, but if not? No worries. No child support, no et cetera.

Well,.. When I was 6 or 7 months pregnant (and weeping at sports drink commercials)... I allowed myself to finally bend under everyone but god begging me to marry the bloke. Seriously, guy proposed 6 times one month.

In MY case, "yes" was wrong wrong wrong.

Your guy min not be an ubercharming sociopath with violent tendencies... So I can't say what would be right / wrong for you, your guy could be best friend / best coparent/ best husband ever... Mine was the sociopath. And despite countless thwack upside the head from the spirit I still married him and stayed that way for over a decade. Bad news.

But whether Prince Charming or Dr. Evil...

EXPECT pressure... If he doesn't run for the hills... To marry him yesterday. From everyone around you. At all times. Including strangers. Really. Strangers in the supermarket when they looked at my left hand would give me advice on how to "snag him" or how it's soooo much better for the baby (blah blah blah. I mean, asked for advice is one thing. But there is something about a bulging belly that removes everyone's boundaries and sense of common decency! Hands off! Nose OUT of my business! No, really, take your hands off of me. That's still my stomach and I did not tell you to rub up all on me while telling me your horror of a birthing story, and tell,if me what a terrible life my child will have from a single parent Ms. Bluebird of Happiness XP )

KNOW that the idea that you won't be operating with all your marbles at all times due to massive hormonal fluctuations is going to be insulting, and feel ridiculous. Also know that if you're crying at commercials and yelling at 6yos who could be cast in a Mary Poppins movie... Your marbles WILL return. But in the meantime Try not to make major life changing decisions . Decide that now. Before your heart swells up and starts overflowing with so much love someone you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole you bind yourself for all eternity. If he's the guy, great... But don't decide that with a shotgun.

3rd (4th 5th 92nd?] Consult a family law attorney.

Q

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And just to balance Quin's experience out...

 

My cousin on my mom's side got some girl pregnant in a drunken event (he was a drunken fool a lot in those days).  He had a steady girlfriend who is also my cousin on my dad's side.  The girlfriend was devastated and needless to say, my male cousin was in his stage of life where he was a complete moron (it lasted a few years).

 

Anyway, this girl's family was pressuring him to marry the girl complete with shotgun.  The girl wasn't sure what she wanted, as this is in the Philippines - having a kid without a father is a scarlet letter but on the other hand, divorce is illegal!  The girl had lots of brothers...

 

My family did not want the marriage - first of all, we're not entirely sure it is my cousin's child, second of all, the girl is a shady character hanging out at the bar and having many short-term boyfriends, and second of all, my cousin was getting ready to go to the US with his girlfriend to a promising career.  And we had good intel that the brothers are pinning the pregnancy on my cousin and not her other boyfriends because my cousin has a promising career and my family has several well-off members.

 

Now, the girlfriend, after a lot of soul searching, decided to forgive my cousin as she "sees the good in him" despite his being a moron.  She even offered to adopt the child and take him to the US!  This, for a Filipino, is like manna from heaven.  My family has a bunch of very good lawyers and a lot of them in politics with a team of security detail so it was not a problem to fight off the shotgun.

 

But, to our surprise, my cousin decided to marry the girl!  We were like - you really are a moron!  I asked my cousin - why would you want to do that - that's a life sentence, and what happens when the baby is born and it looks like her other boyfriend?  My cousin told me - it doesn't matter whose baby it is, he still needs a father.  And that's why he decided to marry the girl (remember, divorce is illegal!), put his career path on pause, cleaned himself up, and dedicated himself full-time to being an awesome father.  The girl went through a rough patch of being bitter and stupid (it may have been post-partum depression kicking in too) and verbally abused my cousin for the first years but my cousin was solid as a rock.  The girl eventually straightened out and she turned out really great.

 

A few years and 3 kids later, they moved to California and has a very strong successful family.  The girlfriend married another guy and moved to Michigan and she's rock solid in her marriage too and her and my cousin (and his wife) are good friends until today...

 

So yes, there are all these stories for and against marrying the bloke... with varying degrees of success and failure on both spectrums...

 

In any case... this is more about what's best for the child.  The child will be living under the conditions set with this decision.  This is not just your child either - it is the father's too.  And only both of you would know what condition you are in to decide what is best for your child.  All we can really provide for you are anecdotal stuff.  But whatever decision you make, your best chance is by following the advice of the great mediator which is Jesus Christ.

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KNOW that the idea that you won't be operating with all your marbles at all times due to massive hormonal fluctuations is going to be insulting, and feel ridiculous. Also know that if you're crying at commercials and yelling at 6yos who could be cast in a Mary Poppins movie... Your marbles WILL return. But in the meantime Try not to make major life changing decisions . Decide that now. Before your heart swells up and starts overflowing with so much love someone you wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole you bind yourself for all eternity. If he's the guy, great... But don't decide that with a shotgun.

 

I know that this was meant to be a cross-section of real-life, sobering post, and I took it as such, but the bolded part here made me laugh out loud, Quin.  I love that you find humor in life, despite the horrors you have endured.  :)

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have the baby if you decide you do not want to raise the baby then give it up to adoption and have a good LDS family adopt the child. why do you think adoption is out of the question

 

The OP has indicated that the baby's father would not allow her to place the baby for adoption.

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