When to move? Marriage advice.


litsy007
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When we were dating in college my husband was already clearly overweight. When I would bring it up he would talk about how he was a football player and that when he stopped playing he wouldn't have to maintain his high weight anymore. I do blame myself for being so easily fooled by his excuses. 

Fast forward 3 years, he has consistently gained more and more weight. I have tried EVERYTHING to help him succeed.

I've tried:

positive encouragement

drill sergeant approach

educating

being an example

making him accountable by the end of the day

food charting

writing him letters telling him my feelings

seeing a doctor (no underlying medical problem)

meeting with our bishop

 

gym membership

 

 

But here is the advice I need:

 

After I have done Everything I can think of nothing is changing. He is destroying himself and I just have to watch. He is doing nothing to reach the potential he has. After looking at the pattern beginning with his grandfather I am terrified of the example he is setting for our son. At his families rate, our son would be 400 pounds by college. He refused to get out and find a job literally until the day I gave birth to our son. I feel is is neglecting his family. I am no longer attracted to him intimately. It is a fact that I take care of every responsibility in our marriage and household. I feel like all he is contributing to our relationship is the fact that he is my best friend, but nothing more. 

 

Do I stay with him and miss out on a fulfilling marriage, or do I move on?

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Posted · Hidden by pam, April 30, 2014 - Duplicate
Hidden by pam, April 30, 2014 - Duplicate

When we were dating in college my husband was already clearly overweight. When I would bring it up he would talk about how he was a football player and that when he stopped playing he wouldn't have to maintain his high weight anymore. I do blame myself for being so easily fooled by his excuses. 

Fast forward 3 years, he has consistently gained more and more weight. I have tried EVERYTHING to help him succeed. 

I've tried:

positive encouragement

drill sergeant approach

educating

being an example

making him accountable by the end of the day

food charting

writing him letters telling him my feelings

seeing a doctor (no underlying medical problem)

meeting with our bishop

 

gym membership

 

 

But here is the advice I need:

 

After I have done Everything I can think of nothing is changing. He is destroying himself and I just have to watch. He is doing nothing to reach the potential he has. After looking at the pattern beginning with his grandfather I am terrified of the example he is setting for our son. At his families rate, our son would be 400 pounds by college. He refused to get out and find a job literally until the day I gave birth to our son. I feel is is neglecting his family. I am no longer attracted to him intimately. It is a fact that I take care of every responsibility in our marriage and household. I feel like all he is contributing to our relationship is the fact that he is my best friend, but nothing more. 

 

Do I stay with him and miss out on a fulfilling marriage, or do I move on?

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I'm big on keeping family together. I feel for you, because I would have a hard time if my wife were obese, but I do not believe it justifies moving on. One of the reasons I believe we are supposed to develop familial relationships is to develop unconditional love. Moving on will not help you develop this attribute, but suggests a possible refusal to develop it. Spiritual growth is never easy.

 

My vote is to stay with him and continue to support him. 

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You clearly aren't seeing the ways his "being fat" is effecting us. True most of it comes back to his weight, but my concerns are not just his weight, but the far reaching effects that is has. Please don't try to imply that I would divorce someone just because of a number on a scale. 

I am interested in more intelligent advice. Don't waste my time. 

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You clearly aren't seeing the ways his "being fat" is effecting us. True most of it comes back to his weight, but my concerns are not just his weight, but the far reaching effects that is has. Please don't try to imply that I would divorce someone just because of a number on a scale. 

I am interested in more intelligent advice. Don't waste my time. 

 Keep in mind you are on a forum and asked questions.  You are going to get a variety of answers. Some you will like and some you won't.

 

So please be respectful of all. Whether you like their response or not.

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You clearly aren't seeing the ways his "being fat" is effecting us. True most of it comes back to his weight, but my concerns are not just his weight, but the far reaching effects that is has. Please don't try to imply that I would divorce someone just because of a number on a scale. 

I am interested in more intelligent advice. Don't waste my time. 

 

Garbage in, garbage out.

 

You didn't spell anything else out.  So far, all we have to go by, is what you've written... and you're writing about a number on a scale.

 

When I asked for advice on a situation with my kids... I included a link to the pictures so I can truly convey the problem.  I'm not telling you to post pictures, but the more you communicate, the better results and advice you will receive.

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I was gonna write a long reply, then I thought... Well, I'd hate to spend all that time just to waste someone else's...

Hope you find what you're looking for.

 

Nine times out of ten such comments are indicative of an individual who is simply looking for confirmation of what they already want to do, so you've probably made the right call there Anatess. 

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The question of when you can give up on your marriage has a simple answer. Its when you have taken all your concerns, your struggles to fix things, your sacrifices, your frustrations, to the Lord  and ask him is it enough?   There are many trials that this life is designed to give us to help us become more Christ-like, marriage can easy be one of those.

 

No one here can answer the question of if the Lord would accept what you have done to preserve your marriage as enough.  The only way for you to get that answer is to get on your knees and ask him

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Marriage is more than just a pretty shirt to wear, and when it gets stained you toss it out.

 

My husband is 200 pounds overweight. He wants to lose weight, but he easily gives in to eating JUNK food.

 

I am 65 pounds overweight. I love breads and pastas. I also love fresh vegetables and fruits. Husband does not. He loves vanilla cookies, ice cream, chips, flour tortilla's.

 

As the cook, food *gatherer* (shopper) - I need to NOT buy the junk food, and to have the healthy food available to him. When I ended up tossing a lot of spoiled raw veggies out because I could not consume enough of them, we bought a NurtriBullet and I attempted to juice them. I flopped, BUT he did like the Whey Protein shakes with the berries and chia seeds added to them. 

 

When he writes down cookies and ice cream on the shopping list, I start making him more protein shakes. 

 

Empty the house of the junk food. Have healthy foods available. When the banana's get too ripe, DON'T make banana bread, mash them up, put in ice cube trays, freeze them, pop them out into vacuum seal bags. Then when he and your son are 'wasting away' for want of a sweet junk food fix, whip them up a banana, milk shake. Using 1% or 2% milk. NO ice cream. My diabetic nurse/nutritionist suggested that we have one night every two weeks, where it is junk food night. Pizza, ice cream, pop corn (for him he can have pounds of pop corn, I can only have 3 Cups of popped corn). 

 

Be sure to change your attitude too - being disgusted, disappointed and angry with husband is picked up and magnified by your child(ren). 

 

Go to a Paleo diet. I do eat beans and legumes. I do not avoid glutens. We have not been diagnosed as celiac, so I eat glutens. There are fruits I simply cannot have because they are naturally too high is sugars (carbs). 

 

In the past two months Husband has lost 13 pounds (quite a bit of it was water retention, that he lost by getting off the salty chips). I have maintained. 

 

So, rather than think and obsess over ending your marriage, think and obsess over having healthier foods in the house, healthier treats available and including husband in the process of setting up menu's, preparing the meals and clean up afterwards. 

 

Nagging and negativity is not only discouraging it eats away at the spirit. Remember he is an Adult - feed yourself and your child good healthy foods, exercise with your child. 

 

Good luck. 

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You clearly aren't seeing the ways his "being fat" is effecting us. True most of it comes back to his weight, but my concerns are not just his weight, but the far reaching effects that is has. Please don't try to imply that I would divorce someone just because of a number on a scale. 

I am interested in more intelligent advice. Don't waste my time.

But your focus IS on his weight. So don't tell us that it's not about weight. That's the complaint you shared with us.

You stated he was overweight (at least in your eyes) from the start when you were dating. Did you expect it to be different after marriage?

YOU are the one stating that you are considering bailing on your marriage because of his weight. So, yes you are absolutely willing to divorce someone because of numbers on a scale.

Should you divorce, perhaps you should limit yourself to dating only skinny (in your eyes) men, then make it clear to them that you're out of there if they go above a certain number.

Or better yet, seek to understand what eternal marriage is all about.

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Tell him he has a choice.  Lay out your terms.  But be ready for him to fire back.  If you want to leave him, fine.  But don't spring some surprise on him.  Be specific.  Say it out loud to his face. 

 

I am telling you to be specific because women communicate differently than men.  Sometimes, unless a man has an ultimatum set before him he will blow it off, or he may not even pick up on your "hints" as being that serious. 

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It does sound like you are asking for confirmation of what you are already thinking and no one can give you that except you and the Lord.   Marriage is tough, raising happy, healthy children is tough and setting an example for them of how to deal with life is a valuable skill for anyone to learn.   My suggestion would be pray about your marriage, but in the meantime, teach your son that dad is an individual and as such, has his own lessons to learn.   Teach him to love, be tolerant, respectful and supportive while still taking care of himself and his own needs.  Model for you son AND your husband healthy eating and don't keep junk food in the house.   

 

Good luck - I hope that you find the answers you need.

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As the heads up: I'm the "Yep. Get divorced. Yesterday." person on this board.

(The lovely & brilliant Annatess my foil).

My three cents?

1) Your husband deserves someone who loves him. If that's not you, please stop wasting his time, and making him feel terrible in the interim.

2) Take all the blame squarely OFF your child's shoulders. YOU control your child's diet & exercise& medical regime. Worrying that "at this rate he'll be 400 pounds by college" totally abdicates all parental responsibility, while blaming your husband for your failure to act. Don't do that. Good diet, good activity & if it's a glandular disorder, take him to the durn doctor and get his levels stabilized!

3) Some genetic lines (think Viking & Polynesian & Russian wrestling) spawn BIG people. Big HEALTHY people, so long as they keep their activity up. 350 pounds of "Never gonna be ripped like Batman, but I can make a quarterback wish they were never born" fast, strong, HEALTHY. These people are never going to be the nimble thin runners you see darting all over. These people WILL be the TANKS in underarmor (and other stretchy clothes, cause tailoring custom clothes is expensive, and their size isn't sold off the rack) who have to replace "flimsy" shoes and furniture on a biannual basis, as they make you giggle with their terminator impressions. I knew a few of these guys in the Marine Corps. (350+ pounds of grizzly bear ya never never never wanna face in a fight). Football, & hockey players, & wrestlers the lot of them. Even running 3 miles under 18 minutes 5 times a week, with about 20 hours of gym time, and 40+ hours of constant motion...my hese guys never thinned out like the rest of us. 15-20 years later... I still know a couple of them. Those who have stayed active (physically), playing sports every day, cops on the street, gym teachers, etc... Are still as healthy (and TANKS) at 40 as they were at 20. Those who moved into desk jobs & non movement? Well... They waddle a bit. If they manage to stand much at all.

You met a BIG physically active guy in college. Whatever his diet & exercise program was... It was obviously working for him, as he was playing college ball. You've tried to completely change his diet, and clearly that hasn't been helpful. Have you considered encouraging your husband to go back to what WAS working? Eat as he was... But go back to training. Do something he LOVES, and is good at, and kept him fit.

__________

Ahem. As a former athlete: I need 10,000-15,000 calories a day when training. Of I don't have that level, my body starts to eat itself. We're not talking "lose weight". We're talking bone loss, organ damage, heart damage. I also start stacking on weight (because my body hoarders calories) if I'm eating too few calories when exercising. It looks INSANE to people who aren't doing similar training (I remember my family -all athletes- snickering at people with jaws dropped over Michael Phelps talking about the 10k-20k he eats, all whipcord thin). In the military? Your rations depend on your environment. I never worked in the desert, I worked in mountains & jungle. Our rations were 6,000 kcal per package. 3x-5x per day. Yep. For some exercises we were stoking 30,000 calories a day. (The army moves on its stomach).

Just some food for thought.

Q

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As the heads up: I'm the "Yep. Get divorced. Yesterday." person on this board.

(The lovely & brilliant Annatess my foil).

 

 

I got stuck on this line... no, no, that's not true... I got stuck on lovely and brilliant... I'm still glowing with all the love...  :)

 

I will be your foil any day of the week, Quin, and twice on Tuesday if I can just remain lovely and brilliant...

 

 

Oh, hey!  That's one durn (I'm hijacking this word, Quin!) good advice to the OP!  Try sincerely telling your husband he is lovely and brilliant... everyday of the week, the moment you wake up, and twice on Tuesday... I tell ya, when my husband tells me I'm lovely and brilliant with that special twinkle in his eye (even when I just got done popping the buttons again on my it-fit-just-fine-last-month shirt), I do everything to be one...

 

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1st off, all marriages have issues, so this thought that you are missing out on a fulfilling marriage by him being overweight is rubbish.

 

2nd, you are missing out on a fulfilling marriage by owning his problems.  His weight is his issue and his battle, it is not yours.  Yes it affects you, but you cannot control it, conquer it or fight it, only he can.  The thing you can do is be supportive of him.  Let him know that if and when he wants to conquer this battle you will be there to help him however he asks and then drop it.

 

I feel fairly certain that most people who are overweight, know it, don't like it and would like to be a healthier weight; they just haven't figured out how to fight it, either through strength of mind, lack of incentive, or it's not important enough at this point.

 

3rd, life is so incredibly short, there is no guarantee that moving on will result in a better life.  In fact, (unless he is abusive, in which case yes leave) you might just find that you had a great husband and you were too blind to see it- don't wait until it is too late to see the good in him.

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My friends werehaving problems with thier marriage. They came across this movie and both cried and this book and they r both working on it. They r greatful they came across thesetwo items. movie is called fireproof the book is called love dare. They said

it was the best thing that happen to them to see the movie and read the book I personally have not seen the movie or read the book.

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Your son shouldn't reach 400 pounds if you don't have junk food in the house and you prepare nutritious meals.  Sure, he will get some junk out of the house, but if you make your house a healthy haven then he should be fine.  It would also help your husband. 

 

And if he (your husband) is the one buying it, just tell him you will pitch it.  Totally reasonable under the circumstances.

 

Here's the hard truth.  Your husband isn't going to do anything about his weight until he wants to.  No amount of pestering or nagging will change that and probably makes it worse.

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I hope you can find happiness in your life.  I do know that divorce doesn't automatically bring happiness.  You will just be trading one set of problems for another set.  After divorce, because of your son, your husband will always be a part of your life.  When he has visitation with your son, you will have no say in how he interacts with him (unless he is abusive).  That would include food choices, discipline, etc.  So, divorce isn't going to remove your husband's influence on your son.  Also, keep in mind, most men remarry more quickly after divorce than women.  Then you would have a step-mother in your son's life.  Again, you will have no say in how your ex and the new step mother interact with your son.  It's possible that your son may want to live full time with his dad and his new step-parent.  What then?  I'm not trying to paint a doom-and-gloom scenario, but I am trying to let you know that divorce does not get rid of problems.  It just changes them.

 

What you find so hard to live with in your husband, there are other women that wouldn't mind at all.  I know that in my own marriage, and what I find so difficult to live with, wouldn't bother a different person at all.  We all have different personalities, likes and dislikes.  There are things that drive me crazy about my husband.  Some times I wonder why I allow certain aspects of my husband to bother me?  I think most of us struggle with this to some extent.  Marriage is work.  And some times we just have to decide to love our spouses, warts and all.  Good luck.

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I have actually come back into this thread quite a few times to read it and each time the same thought stands out for me.

 

You said your husband was clearly overweight when you were dating him... yet you married him anyway.

 

What was it in your husband that made you fall in love with him? He was overweight already...but, you still fell in love with him and married him.

 

My husband is overweight...was over weight when we got married. BUT... he is an honorable man. An honorable priesthood holder. He is loving, kind, willing to please, helpful, caring, loves me to pieces, loves our children, grand children, church going, holds a calling... I could go on and on...but, those are a few of the things I love about him.

 

His weight has nothing to do with him being all of the above and then some.His weight is HIS issue not mine. I look at it as an addiction to food. He loves to eat and I bet your husband does too. Trying to get on a controlled eating pattern is key to losing weight. All the high carbs, sugars, etc continue to make a person hungry. You are not going to change him... he has to change himself. But, pressuring him probably will just make him want another piece of cake or whatever.

 

I guess my point is... YOU dated him being overweight and married him while he was still overweight. You loved him then... but, now the weight becomes an issue? I believe there is something far more going on in the marriage.

 

Ask yourself, "Why now and what changed"?

 

Try to find that out before you jump to divorce.

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Maybe if you loved and respect him he would see that he is worthy of love and respect and he would treat his body with respect and love. MY sis in law treats my brother the way you describe and he gets to feeling so worthless and hopeless because of it that he eats even more.  I have been happy married for more than two decades and I have learned that a man will do anything to please you if they know they are loved, adored and treated as the most special person in the world.

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