What to do about future father in law


apexpredator
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My fiance and I are getting married Valentine's day in the Raleigh temple. Only her and her dad live here in NC. Her dad is less-active. He says his reason is because he prefers someone preaching to him instead of the talks we have. Her dad has said he isn't paying for anything. They don't have much money but neither do we. He has said he will literally pay for NOTHING in regards to the reception, wedding dress, etc. He has cussed her out (good Christian man, huh?), yelled at her for no reason, makes her do everything around their house while he's always on the computer, and has even said he wants nothing to do with her after she gets married. He even said we should forget about the temple, get married by a random preacher, or elope to the courthouse. My parents are sacrificing money they were going to use for their 25th wedding anniversary.

What would you do in this situation? What would you say to him?

FYI, I'm apexviper from before. Hi. :-)

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Hi, Apex!

 

Your wife knows what your father-in-law is like. Don't bad-mouth him. Don't speak badly of him. Let her.

 

He is not obligated to pay for anything. He does not owe you that. Just accept that your wedding will be difficult, support your wife and tell her how much you love her.

 

If you bad mouth her father, even if you're right, it will make your wife feel bad. It will not make him feel bad. It will accomplish nothing but make your wife even more stressed out. Do not talk to the father-in-law. It will only make things worse between you and him.

 

Let it go. I'm sorry he won't help. That's a shame.

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Your future FIL is setting the terms for the wedding.  It's only a one-day, one-time thing.  Yes, it's a big thing, but a successful wedding is one where both the bride and groom show up, and they say "I do" or "yes".

 

Your concern should more be focused on how your bride-to-be feels about her father and how your relationship with him will be AFTER the wedding.  

 

If you maintain an expectant attitude towards him... and he fails to meet up to those expectations... then he will constantly disappoint you.

 

He is who he is.  Accept that, and accept him for who he is.

 

There is nothing to say to him... but you had better invite him to the reception anyways, or you'll really pay for it later.

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FT is 100% correct.  My parents disowned me when I decided to marry my husband.  But there was never a time... not once... that my husband talked badly about my parents.  Rather, he showed utmost respect to my parents just for the plain fact that they made it possible for me to be born so he can marry me.  When I whine about my parents, my husband would listen and let me wail on them and he would give me listening noises but he doesn't pile on my parents.  When I was fighting with my parents before we got married - we'd be yelling back and forth over the phone - and my temper would get the better of me, he'd take the phone from me, apologize to my parents and tell them I can't talk anymore and he would hang up.  Then when I get better control of myself, he'd encourage me to call them again.  He's always stood as the peacemaker.  He doesn't take sides when it comes to me versus my family - he lets me fight it by myself - but he was always there to comfort me when I'm licking my wounds, or pull me out of the fray when he sees I'm being destructive.

 

So... weddings.  I spent $140 on my wedding.  I was Catholic so we didn't go to the temple.  I just bought a house a few months before we got married, so I didn't have money.  My husband did not own a single credit card - he was completely cash-only guy and he didn't have much cash.  We spent $80 for the license, $20 for the JotP to marry us under the fancy alcove in the courthouse, and $40 for the pizza.  Only my husband's parents and one brother was in attendance.  My husband got me a ~$100 engagement ring when he proposed... at the courthouse, he gave me his CTR ring, I gave him my engagement ring and then we exchanged it when the JotP said it's time to exchange rings.  I wore my best dress, he wore one of his 2 church suits...

 

We packed the Pizza Hut to the brim as most of our friends took off work early to meet us there... we put $40 on the table and everybody else pitched in what they can to pay for the all-you-can-eat-pizza buffet.  It was the funnest party EVER!  It really was a very memorable moment and it was super special.  My friends from work still refer to me until today as "the girl who took a lunch break to get married".  I actually took the whole day off work.... but they thought it was crazy that I went back to work the next day.  We didn't have a honeymoon.  I have one picture out of the whole thing (we didn't have camera phones at the time) which was taken by the courthouse folks - part of the $20 package... you can just see the big smiles and just the happy feel of the event in that one picture.

 

Temple weddings are even cheaper... You don't have to pay $20 for the alcove... and you don't have to worry about finding your best dress - the temple loans you one.

 

We're celebrating our 17th anniversary this year.  We still haven't gone on a proper honeymoon... we just don't want one.  We want everyday to be a honeymoon.

 

And my parents... well, they didn't speak to us for 4 years.  But, it wouldn't have mattered even if it was forever - my husband married me, not my parents.

 

Hope my story gives you some perspective.

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The wedding reception is the least of your worries. If your fiance had/is experiencing emotional/psychological abuse from her father be prepared to deal with a whole lot of underlined issues and behavioral problems after you two get married (if you haven't seen the signs as yet). It is not going to be easy and you shouldn't take it personal but instead get the help she might need from you, good relatives and even a counselor if necessary.

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Seriously?  If you don't have the money for the type of wedding you want, then shrink it down.  It is a one day thing.  Heck, go to the temple and rent temple clothes.  Why does your dad in law have to pay for anything??  

I don't think it is worth a relationship to try to get him to pay for anything.  You can do it on your own. You have over 6 months, you can save for the basics.  If you can't maybe you are not yet ready to support a wife and kids.  It isn't about the reception, fancy dress, flowers and such.  It is about you and your soon to be spouse.  

I know that came off harsh, but I don't think you should depend on anyone for that.  

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My father was a very harsh man.  From my experience, you need to protect her from her father's anger. Accept your parents generosity and keep the wedding reception simple.  Don't ask her father for anything.  Be open to a relationship with him, but don't try to force it.  After you are married, if there are issues, explain to him that you will not allow your wife to be talked to in a harsh manner. Cut out contact if he remains mean to her.  If he repents, forgive him.  But, always be ready to comfort and defend your wife.

 

I am grateful for the emotional protection my husband provided me when I had to deal with my dad.  We almost have him trained- If he starts on one of his rampages over the phone I just hang up on him and go about my day.  He won't call for a few days, but he is more polite (for a while).

 

One other thing, be gentle with your wife. Chances are she has never had anyone model Christ's love to her.  My husband taught me so much about Jesus, not only by his words but by his actions.  You will need to show her what Heavenly Father's love is like.  It can be hard to trust a Heavenly Father when you have had a harsh earthly father.

 

Best of luck!  My prayers are with you.

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He is who he is your future wife grew up with him and there will be residual affects from growing up in that environment. I would say at best emotional abuse from her father and who knows what lies beneath the surface.

 

Your not just marrying her you are marrying her family.

 

Don't do it.

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He is who he is your future wife grew up with him and there will be residual affects from growing up in that environment. I would say at best emotional abuse from her father and who knows what lies beneath the surface.

 

Your not just marrying her you are marrying her family.

 

Don't do it.

Don't do what? Confront the father-in-law? Push for more from him? Marry her?

 

I'm uncertain what the 'Don't do it' is referring to.

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My father was a very harsh man.  From my experience, you need to protect her from her father's anger. Accept your parents generosity and keep the wedding reception simple.  Don't ask her father for anything.  Be open to a relationship with him, but don't try to force it.  After you are married, if there are issues, explain to him that you will not allow your wife to be talked to in a harsh manner. Cut out contact if he remains mean to her.  If he repents, forgive him.  But, always be ready to comfort and defend your wife.

 

I am grateful for the emotional protection my husband provided me when I had to deal with my dad.  We almost have him trained- If he starts on one of his rampages over the phone I just hang up on him and go about my day.  He won't call for a few days, but he is more polite (for a while).

 

One other thing, be gentle with your wife. Chances are she has never had anyone model Christ's love to her.  My husband taught me so much about Jesus, not only by his words but by his actions.  You will need to show her what Heavenly Father's love is like.  It can be hard to trust a Heavenly Father when you have had a harsh earthly father.

 

Best of luck!  My prayers are with you.

 

I agree with most everything here.

 

I have a differing opinion on these:

" After you are married, if there are issues, explain to him that you will not allow your wife to be talked to in a harsh manner. Cut out contact if he remains mean to her."

 

The broken relationship is between the father and the daughter... not the father-in-law and the husband.  The husband can explain to the wife that she shouldn't be talked to in a harsh manner and he can help her learn some skills on how to take a stand, and he can help set up rules with the wife to tell her if her dad talks to her in that manner again, she should cut out contact and he can help insulate her from that by their joint decisions... But in the end, he can't pull the superman-savior-thing for her.  He can't cut off the contact or talk to the father.  That's his wife's decision.  She's been his daughter longer than the husband has been around and there are very intricate pieces to that relationship that the husband - especially a newly married one - has not experienced... the daughter gets to figure out how to deal with that and not hide behind the husband...

 

My sister and I got on a screaming argument once (okay, more than once)... her husband took her into a room and had a talk with her, my husband took me into another room and had a talk with me... then we got out of the room and my sister and I had a better discussion.  If her husband would have got at me (or my husband at her), that would be a disaster as new personalities get involved and it becomes the husbands versus the inlaws... instead of just one sister versus the other.

 

I'm just speaking from my own personal experience... so, things are different for every family.

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He is who he is your future wife grew up with him and there will be residual affects from growing up in that environment. I would say at best emotional abuse from her father and who knows what lies beneath the surface.

 

Your not just marrying her you are marrying her family.

 

Don't do it.

 

Uh... good luck finding the perfect child who was raised in a perfect family with no 'scars' whatsoever.

 

If you find one... would YOU be good enough for her?  It goes both ways.

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I'm surprised by some of the answers. She knows how I feel about him and has said I have every reason to feel how I do. You people do realize its the bride's family who is supposed to pay for the reception, right? It seems like you guys are thinking I am a bad guy here. As far as invites go, he's definitely invited but if he refuses to give any help for his daughter's wedding he will not get 1 wedding photo. Aside from that, he has other issues that would prevent him from going to the temple and he's already said he won't give them up for anything. The way he treats her is appalling.

Thanks Irish and anatess. Your advices were helpful

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It's a cultural tradition that the bride's family pays, but if they refuse to (or simply can't) then you really have no choice but to amend your plans to fit into what YOU can afford. To me it wouldn't be worth it to fight with him over it. It would be adding just one more facet to the drama that is your fiance's relationship with her father. Let it drop. Focus on their *relationship* and how much of one she wants to maintain (have a discussion on boundaries and such), and support her in that.

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Uh... good luck finding the perfect child who was raised in a perfect family with no 'scars' whatsoever.

 

If you find one... would YOU be good enough for her?  It goes both ways.

I don't want to side track this thread, but no one is perfect and everyone has "issues" I personally would not marry someone with the problems that the OP has outlined. I live my life so that I do not have these kinds of family issues. 

 

 

Regarding the OP's last post about tradition and the father chipping in or paying. The OP should not be getting married if this is his attitude, or if he is going to hold a grudge towards his father in-law because of it. Not one wedding photo? that's pretty small and petty.

 

Suck it up and pay for it yourself if those aspects of the wedding are important to you, otherwise not another word about it.

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I eloped.  That meant I paid for everything.  There was no reception or honeymoon.

 

You are not entitled to someone else's assets, money, or anything else - regardless of what "cultural tradition" or anyone else says.  It's the entitlement mentality that's the problem here.  

 

He told you what he's going to do.  You can both either:

a.  accept it,

b. whine and complain about it.

 

I recommend that you take the situation as it is, make the best of it.

 

Life is a series of adjustments.  How you handle them, shows the kind of man you are, and will continue to become.

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I eloped.  That meant I paid for everything.  There was no reception or honeymoon.

 

You are not entitled to someone else's assets, money, or anything else - regardless of what "cultural tradition" or anyone else says.  It's the entitlement mentality that's the problem here.  

 

He told you what he's going to do.  You can both either:

a.  accept it,

b. whine and complain about it.

 

I recommend that you take the situation as it is, make the best of it.

 

Life is a series of adjustments.  How you handle them, shows the kind of man you are, and will continue to become.

You forgot c. Don't marry into this family (unlikely I know) but still an option

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My wedding was planned and paid for by my husband's sister.  Hubby and I had no money.  My husband's parents probably had money, but it never crossed their minds to help--this was their sons second marriage.  My mother is a widow with no money, but she did sew my dress for me.  Neither my husband or I expected any money from either side of the family.  So, we had a very small wedding at my SIL's house.  She planned it.  She bought the cake and made the food.  I appreciate all she did, because if not for her we would have eloped.  At least I have photo's that the family took.  I would never think of not sharing the wedding photos with my mother.  Even, if she had some money, but refused to pay anything, I would not begrudge her wedding photos.  But, then my mother is a kind, wonderful woman.  It wasn't her fault she was widowed at a young age with seven children to raise.  Even if my mother was a curmudgeon, just to show my respect to her as my parent, I would have given her wedding photos.

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I'm concerned about the meanness of the father to the daughter in this situation.  Who cares who is paying for the wedding stuff?

 

Pay for the wedding as you can (I personally would feel guilty with parents dipping into their anniversary money, but it happens), focus on YOUR marriage.

 

But yes, be prepared for underlying issues.

 

What I would suggest that, as a husband, you follow IC's advice and be the man of the house and protect your wife from her father, if need be.

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I appreciate the advice given about protecting her. That's something I always do. I do find it disrespectful and immature to say "If you expect him to pay for anything you don't need to be married." How do people come to that conclusion from a "What to do about a father in law who refuses to do anything" topic?

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I appreciate the advice given about protecting her. That's something I always do. I do find it disrespectful and immature to say "If you expect him to pay for anything you don't need to be married." How do people come to that conclusion from a "What to do about a father in law who refuses to do anything" topic?

 

I think it's coming from the list of what he isn't paying for in the original post. 

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I appreciate the advice given about protecting her. That's something I always do. I do find it disrespectful and immature to say "If you expect him to pay for anything you don't need to be married." How do people come to that conclusion from a "What to do about a father in law who refuses to do anything" topic?

You expect him to do something knowing the kind of person he is that's how I come to that conclusion. He wants to contribute nothing does not want to participate and you "expect" him to be someone he is not? He will not change who he is or his attitude towards his daughter. I realize that you are probably "saving" her from a terrible life (that's a subject for another thread) but expecting something different out of her father is unreasonable.

 

My statement of being able to afford this on your own stands and it is not immature to pay your own way. Some would argue that to have your hand out with expectations is......

 

I don't want to argue or have contention this is simply one persons opinion and maybe a wrong and misinformed one. This is the internet after all I wouldn't take anything I say to seriously...

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Update: Her dad said he isn't coming to the reception since we're getting sealed in the temple. Yes, he's a member too. Even if we do a vow thing at the reception he said he still won't come. He doesn't think he should have to give up tea and coffee to see his daughter's wedding. Nearly all of his family has nothing to do with him. He told her we won't last 2 months.

My fiancee said she doesn't want him having anything to do with his future grandkids.

What do you in this situation? I don't care so much about how he is toward me, I just care about how its affecting my fiancee.

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