Falling out with in laws


Jennarator
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So I just had a huge falling out with my in laws.  I don't even know where to start.  So they treat me and my kids like temporary family.  like they expect us to just go away at someopint.  so they never bother with us, they never talk to us. and they treat my kids poorly.  (My kids from another marriage)  

Today I told them off.  Poor husband is stuck in the middle.  Now what.  I feel like our marriage is never going to be the same either.

 

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Yep, time to fix the relationship.

 

I truly believe that the relationship should be between the parents and child... not the parents and the in-laws... If the parents are not kind to the family... the child gets to deal with it with the parents.  The spouse gets to rag on the spouse to solve the problem with the parents.

 

So, what to do now... my first step is to apologize to the in-laws - doesn't matter who is at fault.  Then smooth the relationship over with the spouse first and foremost.  Then discuss your issues with your husband and ask him to deal with it with his parents.

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So I just had a huge falling out with my in laws.  I don't even know where to start.  So they treat me and my kids like temporary family.  like they expect us to just go away at someopint.  so they never bother with us, they never talk to us. and they treat my kids poorly.  (My kids from another marriage)  

Today I told them off.  Poor husband is stuck in the middle.  Now what.  I feel like our marriage is never going to be the same either

How did you think they would treat you before you got married?

 

They do see you as temporary, and will never treat you or your kids like "family" I am sure in their hearts they did not want their son to marry someone with kids from a prior marriage. This is to be expected in these types of marriages you will always be second best.

 

Now if you want to preserve a relationship with them first accept your place. Understand that neither you or your children will have a true "family" relationship with them, your kids aren't even related to them. Second suck it up and apologize just like Anatess said it does not matter who was at fault.  Third is the same as the first accept your place in their lives and lower your expectations.

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How did you think they would treat you before you got married?

 

They do see you as temporary, and will never treat you or your kids like "family" I am sure in their hearts they did not want their son to marry someone with kids from a prior marriage. This is to be expected in these types of marriages you will always be second best.

 

Now if you want to preserve a relationship with them first accept your place. Understand that neither you or your children will have a true "family" relationship with them, your kids aren't even related to them. Second suck it up and apologize just like Anatess said it does not matter who was at fault.  Third is the same as the first accept your place in their lives and lower your expectations.

What I mean is even before we were married they treated us that way, and STILL DO!  five years later. We have been married now for 5 years.  And he has kids from a previous as well, so they understand that.  In fact his first marriage his wife had kids from a previous.  So they should get it by now.

My family does not treat him like that at al.  They love him dearly.

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I'm sorry about this and I particularly feel for your husband, having been the spouse stuck in the middle before.  I'm happy to say everything is fine now, but it's awful.

 

Apologize to your in-laws... and then limit contact until if or when you feel safer of attempting the relationship again.

 

That being said, I don't blame you at all for telling them off.  You are their son's wife and they ought to respect you more.  Unfortunately, they aren't here for me to tell them that.  So, yes, limit your contact.  Your relationship is with your husband, not his family.

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It is your husband's stewardship/responsibility to defend you and champion you to his family and friends. You and your husband need to have a talk. You need to let him know how you feel. If you have already done this, you need to have another talk, and let him know again what is happening with you and how you feel. He needs to see that his relationship to you is the one that needs to be championed. He needs to let his parents know that you are his wife, and you are here to stay. He needs to let his parents know that he accepts your children, just as you have accepted his children. If his parents refuse to accept you and your children, learn to disengage and let it go. Many second wives go through this. You are not alone.

 

As to what to do now that you have "told them off," you have several options.  You can pretend it never happened, and go on as before. You can apologize, and say something along these lines, "I'm sorry. I love you. You are _____'s parents. My feelings have been hurt because I feel you disregard me and my children. If I didn't care for you so much, it wouldn't hurt. I  love my husband. I will do anything for him and his children. I was hoping we could be a family that cares for one another." Anyway, these are just a few things that might smooth over the situation. Your husband should be saying something along those lines too. He needs to let his parents know that you are number one in his life, that your children and his children are all family.

 

Remarriage is hard. Especially if there are children involved. If you search on the internet "remarriage" you will get all sorts of articles and similar experiences from others who are experiencing what you're going through. There's lots of articles on step-parenting too. If you can get through these first five to seven years in a remarriage, then second marriages actually become less likely than a first marriage to end in divorce. Good luck!  <Hugs>

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Indeed, your husband needs to step up and let it be known to his family he is supporting you.  That can be tough.  When my sister and husband got in a fight, my family was largely mad at me for not failing to stick by my husband.  Being stuck in the middle is very, very hard and I doubt his family is going to be nice to him for being in the middle.  He's in a bad spot--but it's rather necessary to maintain relationships with his family.  Support him while he's in this nasty place. I can't stress that enough.  You may be hurting, but I guarantee he is, too. 

 

Repeat:  Remind him he needs to step up and defend you.  And you help him do that. 

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What I mean is even before we were married they treated us that way, and STILL DO!  five years later. We have been married now for 5 years.  And he has kids from a previous as well, so they understand that.  In fact his first marriage his wife had kids from a previous.  So they should get it by now.

My family does not treat him like that at al.  They love him dearly.

So BEFORE you were married they treated you poorly, but you decided to get married anyways?

 

Your family doesn't treat him like that.  You do realize they are different people right?

 

I have a hard time understanding your complaint.  You are complaining about something you knew existed before you got married and you got married anyways......

 

Apologize to the In-laws.

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We were engaged before I met the in laws.  I am not going to call off a wedding due to someone else.  I thought they would get the fact that I was going to stay after we got married, and at least after a couple of years....guess not.  

I am not clear on why I should apoligize....

I have been nothing but kind hearted to them.  Even let one live in out basement apaprtment for almost no rent, so he could save up for a house.  

I made cakes, cookies, and done so much for so many years, and they are just being...wel.....mean.  Sounds very childish, but when you keep taking your kids into a tocic stiuation, you are at fault.  I think it is time my kids don't see them anymore.  They see how they are treated compared to teh other "grand kids"  it is a joke. everyone taht has been to a family event can see it and tells me.  

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So you wouldn't call off a wedding to protect your children from a toxic situation?

 

You should apologize because you thought they should change to conform to your expectations.  You married their son, and now you think you're entitled to a behavior change when in fact you are not.  It is clear from what you have written that they don't like your kids, yet you keep bringing them around.  Some how this is their fault?

 

You made them cakes, you were generous with one of them in your home...and somehow this entitles you to something? 

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No, I don't call off a wedding for that.  I remove the kids from them.  My husband is a good dad to them.  

You should apologize to your in-laws for subjecting them to your kids for 5 years then.  Because you obviously didn't remove them.

 

Bottom line is you should apologize because no one in this situation is leaving.  You are not going to leave your husband or your kids, they are not going to stop being the parents of your husband.  Someone has to be the bigger person.  If you want it can be you.  If not then you get to have feelings of contention and contempt every time you see them.  

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You did not marry your in laws.  Discuss how you feel with your husband about how you are treated.  Find something equitable for you and your husband.  The in laws frankly don't matter if they can't treat you right.  Tough row to hoe...been doing it for 24 years now.

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No, I don't call off a wedding for that.  I remove the kids from them.  My husband is a good dad to them.  

your first obligation is to your kids not someone who is not related to you...aka your husband. Yeah you call off a wedding for that without a question or doubt you call it off......Why do people think that if they are engaged they are obligated to see it through?

 

His parent were jerks before you married into the mess and they are jerks now that's not going to change, but they are still his parents unless your husband is willing to never have contact with them, no X-mas, no holidays, no special events, and keep in mind he has natural born kids that ARE related to them your suck. 

 

You made this bed now do you want to be comfortable in it or not? Apologize.

 

I know you will feel like I am jumping all over you, and I guess that I kind of am but I think that you need to look back the decision making process that led up to this mess and accept some responsibility 

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You did not marry your in laws.  Discuss how you feel with your husband about how you are treated.  Find something equitable for you and your husband.  The in laws frankly don't matter if they can't treat you right.  Tough row to hoe...been doing it for 24 years now.

 

You marry the inlaws, you can say you don't but the family is a package deal unless you have 0.0% contact with them. You say and I quote "Tough row to hoe" implies that it has and continues to be an issue in your life. 

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Mr. Jennarator has a greater obligation to his wife than to his parents.  I agree she should apologize, but only for the contention it caused and not for her feelings.  Unfortunately neither her husband nor her in-laws are here to be advised. 

 

It may be true you must accept the family you married into for what they are, but she shouldn't have to be subject to their abuse and her husband should make sure his parents are respecting his wife.

 

Yes, she has made her bed.  But that doesn't mean she has to asked to be tucked into it. 

 

Jennarator, until you get the basic respect you and your kids deserve as your husband's family, limit contact.  Yes, I'm repeating it.  Don't go to family functions.  Your husband can go alone.  Don't grant them favors.  Yes, be nice, be polite, but accept they don't like you and take it as a sign you don't have to much to do with them. 

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So I just had a huge falling out with my in laws.  I don't even know where to start.  So they treat me and my kids like temporary family.  like they expect us to just go away at someopint.  so they never bother with us, they never talk to us. and they treat my kids poorly.  (My kids from another marriage)  

Today I told them off.  Poor husband is stuck in the middle.  Now what.  I feel like our marriage is never going to be the same either.

 

What caused the incident in the first place?

 

If they didn't change during all those years, it is unlikely they will. You need to analyze if it is something you can live with and most of all, if you have your husband's support.

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We were engaged before I met the in laws.  I am not going to call off a wedding due to someone else.  I thought they would get the fact that I was going to stay after we got married, and at least after a couple of years....guess not.  

I am not clear on why I should apoligize....

I have been nothing but kind hearted to them.  Even let one live in out basement apaprtment for almost no rent, so he could save up for a house.  

I made cakes, cookies, and done so much for so many years, and they are just being...wel.....mean.  Sounds very childish, but when you keep taking your kids into a tocic stiuation, you are at fault.  I think it is time my kids don't see them anymore.  They see how they are treated compared to teh other "grand kids"  it is a joke. everyone taht has been to a family event can see it and tells me. 

 

Why would they act like that?  Are they just plain evil?

 

Or could they be deliberately shutting you out because they got very attached to your husband's ex, were sorry to lose her, and consider that there's no point in getting to know and love you since there's a good chance your husband won't be able to hold on to you and your kids any better than he was able to hold onto his ex?

 

The armchair pop-psychologist in me thinks that what your in-laws are doing is a self-defense mechanism, and you've got two ways of dealing with it.  The first is to be as difficult as possible (or just plain cut them out of your lives), so that there's no chance of their getting attached to you (and therefore, disappointed) the way they got attached to the ex.

 

The second way is to grin and bear their slights, love them anyways, and show them day by day that your relationship with your husband is rock-solid and that he won't lose you the way he lost the ex.  Maybe they'll come around eventually, and maybe they won't . . . but I rather suspect your husband will love you all the more for taking this course of action, and would be willing to reciprocate by sticking up for you more vocally.

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You marry the inlaws, you can say you don't but the family is a package deal unless you have 0.0% contact with them. You say and I quote "Tough row to hoe" implies that it has and continues to be an issue in your life. 

 

au contraire.

 

I'm pretty sure my marriage certificate and temple sealing paperwork only includes two names.  I'm also pretty sure the scriptures say to cleave unto my wife (spouse) and none other.  I have a pernicious in law...and I'm certainly not married to that individual.

 

Yes, they are an issue in our life and not in a good way.

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As my treatment from my in-laws became increasingly dysfunctional, I became increasingly unavailable. I don't stop DH or the kids from seeing them, but I often choose not to participate. If they were mean to my kids, too, I'd take away the opportunity. In fact, it only took once of me saying, "Quit being a jerk if you want to be in their lives", and since then, they've been good to them. 

 

I definitely didn't marry them. I met most of them the day of my wedding. I see the ones in town several times a year, the ones who live far away only once a year or less. But I'm married and committed to my husband every day. If they don't want to be in my life, fine. That doesn't mean I'd ever throw my marriage out with the bathwater. 

 

Ending a relationship because you don't get along with the family sounds like a case of bad boundary-keeping to me. 

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au contraire.

 

I'm pretty sure my marriage certificate and temple sealing paperwork only includes two names.  I'm also pretty sure the scriptures say to cleave unto my wife (spouse) and none other.  I have a pernicious in law...and I'm certainly not married to that individual.

 

Yes, they are an issue in our life and not in a good way.

You are in fact correct your marriage license only has your 2 names on it, but your last statement is the give away. They are an issue in your life and not in a good way. The OP made a decision to get married knowing the attitude of her future in-laws towards her and her kids.

 

You can say its not but its a package deal.

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Guys, it seems easy to say, I married my spouse not my in-laws... like you can separate the spouse from the in-laws.  You can't.  The spouse can, but you can't.

 

Even if the in-laws are 100% not in your family life, the in-laws are still of influence to your spouse.  Everything the spouse is comes from those in-laws.  He didn't just come out of the in-law's stomach already an adult ready to marry you.  The in-laws and all that family dynamics is behind every single thing your spouse does - how he reacts to situations, how he deals with problems, how he treats his family.

 

So yes, you didn't marry the in-laws, you married the spouse.  But, paying close attention to that family dynamics will help you understand who your spouse is - how he comes to be who he is.  You married the bloke, so the in-laws must have done something worthwhile to raise a child you find agreeable to marry.

 

Yes, you don't have to kowtow to their moronic ways and you don't have to put yourself in the path of that family drama but your spouse will need to.  The least you can do is not add one more flame to that conflict that your spouse will have to deal with.

 

My in-laws are difficult to deal with.  My parents are also difficult for my husband to deal with.  But... the more I understand my in-laws, the more I understand my husband.  The more I learn how to deal with my husband, the more I learn how to deal with the in-laws.  As nasty as they can be, I never forget that they are the reason I have a husband to marry and I will always ALWAYS love them for that.  At the same time, I try to shield my husband from the idiosyncracies of my own family.

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