Furiously angry

[OW4lyf]

I went to mother and baby swimming this morning, my husband and I have agreed that we will both be modest when in swim wear. He wears long swim shorts and a surfer type top and I normally tankine bottom and the same as my husband on top, but in nicer colours.

 

The other women at the group wear bikinis etc and that is fine and their choice, though I think it is a bit wrong that baby girls are in bikinis but not my business. The other mothers stare at me and eventually one asks me why I dress the way I do to swim and explain that within my church there is an expectation to be modest and this is what my husband and I have decided on. Then the usual comments that I am oppressed under the thumb etc I just shrugged it off and explained that we are equal in my marriage. But it got to the point I felt uncomfortable so I left the pools. One of the women followed me and handed me a card for DOMESTIC ABUSE. Saying I don't have to put that up with such controlling behaviour. I was so angry that she would imply my kind gentle loving husband could be an abser. I was shaking with rage I dried Odin off and ran out of there still in my swimming stuff.

 

Any advice how I can handle things like this better in the future?  Has any one else had such experiences around non members? I admit I am a bit over emotional as I had post natal depression and this has really bashed my confidence going out with my son. Should I just wear the bikini and fit in? Odin loves the pool and water so I do not want to stop going

[pam]

People are ignorant.  Stand for your beliefs and don't back down.

[FunkyTown]

The best thing to do when something like that occurs is realize they're only trying to be kind. They thought you were in an abusive situation and sought to help you.

 

Just laugh at their naivete, explain that this is your choice but you appreciate their concern and then go on your way.

[Dravin]

Admittedly this is just me being contrary, show up wearing more cloth next time.

[The Folk Prophet]

Should I just wear the bikini and fit in? 

 

I was with you until this.

 

Really...that's the question? Is that the way you'd react if they were all smoking and teasing you about not smoking? Drinking? Sleeping around?

 

Good grief. Of COURSE not.

 

I agree with the "just laugh" suggestion.

[OW4lyf]

Yeah I  can see they were only trying to help and I am impressed that a person would be christlike and stick their neck out to help. I just get a bit defensive of my family

[jerome1232]

Wow, I mean wow. Is that the prevailing attitude of today? If a woman doesn't show as much skin as possible she's being oppressed?

Work on your reaction to their reactions. Don't give in and change. I've honestly never heard of a reaction like this. Never seen anyone react to the swim wear my wife wears, she tends to wear these girly, swim shirt things, I have no idea what they are called with swim shorts.

[Daybreak79]

My guess is if the lady had a card on her for a domestic abuse center she had either been abused, knows some one who has been in abusive relationship, or works for some type of abuse center. The average person does not carry on them a card with information to an abuse center, I believe she was just trying to reach out in kindness based on what she has been exposed to.

 

Stay strong, continue to be modest and press forward.

[prisonchaplain]

Of course, everyone is right.  The intrusive lady, with all her assumptions and know-it-allness, was trying to help.  Reacting by by saying, "Thanks for caring," would be the high road.

 

I get the OP's reaction though.  To suggest an abuse hotline because someone is dressed modestly strikes me as outrageous.  The naughty side of me wonders if she would have offered this to the Somali immigrants in my community.

 

Maybe a compromise solution would be to say, "Wow.  You are a caring individual.  We need more people like you--in my church.  Would you like to go with me some time?"

 

Sigh...you can't be sarcastic when you offer it though.  Chances are, in that cirumstance, it might come across that way.  Give it a few weeks, then extend the offer.  B) 

[Guest]

Okay, I know it's nice to speak for the Church at every opportunity... but, if this was me in the pool in my one-piece with a skirt (my swimsuit is a skirt - very cute) and somebody asks me, "Why are you wearing a skirt?" my answer would not be - because my Church has standards.  My answer would be, "Because this is what I prefer to wear.".  And that's really all there is to it... I wear the skirt not because my Church told me to.  I wear the skirt because I CHOSE TO.

 

Yes, of course, we try to mention the Church at every opportunity as part of our "Every member a missionary" effort, but when you do so, be prepared to get the funky responses and learn to take it with a smile... getting flustered about it kinda nullifies the purpose of "Every member a missionary" and it would have been better not to mention the Church at all instead of putting negative emotions on the missionary encounter.

[Leah]

I went to mother and baby swimming this morning, my husband and I have agreed that we will both be modest when in swim wear. He wears long swim shorts and a surfer type top and I normally tankine bottom and the same as my husband on top, but in nicer colours.

 

The other women at the group wear bikinis etc and that is fine and their choice, though I think it is a bit wrong that baby girls are in bikinis but not my business. The other mothers stare at me and eventually one asks me why I dress the way I do to swim and explain that within my church there is an expectation to be modest and this is what my husband and I have decided on. Then the usual comments that I am oppressed under the thumb etc I just shrugged it off and explained that we are equal in my marriage. But it got to the point I felt uncomfortable so I left the pools. One of the women followed me and handed me a card for DOMESTIC ABUSE. Saying I don't have to put that up with such controlling behaviour. I was so angry that she would imply my kind gentle loving husband could be an abser. I was shaking with rage I dried Odin off and ran out of there still in my swimming stuff.

 

Any advice how I can handle things like this better in the future?  Has any one else had such experiences around non members? I admit I am a bit over emotional as I had post natal depression and this has really bashed my confidence going out with my son. Should I just wear the bikini and fit in? Odin loves the pool and water so I do not want to stop going

I will never understand why some (too many) women think that anything having to do with modesty (or anything conservative) means there is abuse going on.

Do not wear a bikini to lot "fit in". That is letting people - ignorant people at that - bully you into being someone you are not and taking you away from your choice to follow your church's teachings.

I dress modestly and I am single. I wonder what they would have said to that?

Modesty is not a bad thing.

[estradling75]

I think you ran into a problem the moment you told them that others had influence on your choice.

 

Now anyone in a healthy relationship knows that a spouse's opinions and ideas influence the other spouse.  And of course sincere religious belief does as well.

 

The problem is by acknowledging the influence people hear, "Oh I would but... Such and such wouldn't like it."  Had you simply said, "This is what I have chosen to wear."  They would have thought you were weird but they would have not had anything else to go on and most likely dropped it.

 

But by acknowledging your husband's and religious influence your brought up one of the more common circumstances of abuse, and that is where they went with it.

[omegaseamaster75]

Okay, I know it's nice to speak for the Church at every opportunity... but, if this was me in the pool in my one-piece with a skirt (my swimsuit is a skirt - very cute) and somebody asks me, "Why are you wearing a skirt?" my answer would not be - because my Church has standards.  My answer would be, "Because this is what I prefer to wear.".  And that's really all there is to it... I wear the skirt not because my Church told me to.  I wear the skirt because I CHOSE TO.

 

Yes, of course, we try to mention the Church at every opportunity as part of our "Every member a missionary" effort, but when you do so, be prepared to get the funky responses and learn to take it with a smile... getting flustered about it kinda nullifies the purpose of "Every member a missionary" and it would have been better not to mention the Church at all instead of putting negative emotions on the missionary encounter.

This is the correct answer, when asked you do not have to proclaim your mormoness to the world, the question asked and the circumstances at that time and place may not have been the correct opportunity to talk about the church. A simple "this is what I feel comfortable in" would have sufficed. I know enough women that this would have been an acceptable answer because of typical body issues that woman have.

 

As soon as you bring religion into the conversation things slant towards a whole different direction. Now your the strange Mormon lady at the pool.

[applepansy]

With a smile say "Choosing to be modest doesn't mean a person is abused.  It just means I have chosen to be modest."  Thank the person for their concern and then maybe say something along the lines of "when anyone who knows my husband hears about this they will laugh at the thought of him every abusing anyone.  He's kind and caring."

 

 Do not every compromised your standards to "fit in". 

 

Its not worth getting angry over.

[Suzie]

It reminds me of the shirt "I can't, I am mormon". lol If I was you, just for fun I would go next time with one that covers my entire body from head to toe just to see their jaws dropping to the floor.

[MorningStar]

It was rude of them to ask you in the first place why you dress that way.  I don't understand why some women think you're more "free" when you put your body on display. 

 

I'm afraid my reaction would not have been kind, but I'm quite overweight and no one would ask why I'm not wearing a bikini. 

[OW4lyf]

I can see where people are coming from I should have just said o I like it or what ever but I thought giving some background would help people understand but that was just being niave I guess. I think also I am still suffering with anxiety after the post natel depression, it makes me feel like my decisions aren't good enough. But when I think about it I am there to swim with my boy should have just said o I just like it and got on with our swim.

[Backroads]

I don't think I would have said this, but I definitely would have thought something along the lines of "too many women who wear bikinis shouldn't".

 

I see where you were coming from with your response, though I also think a "because this is the swimsuit I like" would have sufficed.  I ran a waterfront at boy scout camp and am still getting away from a probably overly modest (yet functional!) swim garb.

 

If it happens in the future, thank the person for her concern and maybe mention kindly it's cultural, not abusive.

[Irishcolleen]

I like Backroads' response that it is cultural not abusive.  You can also cite the benefits of protecting you skin from overexposure to the sun.  I take a deep water fitness class and there is a Muslim woman whose swimsuit would make yours look indecent.  She is covered head to toe.  No one questions her about it.  It would be rude to do so. 

[Lagarthaaz2]

Interesting that you feel you are the only one dressing modestly in the pool.  Most swimming lessons I've been to have the majority of the women wearing one-piece swimsuits or board shorts and tops - hardly any women wear bikinis, mostly, I suspect due to feeling embarrassed about post-baby wobbly bits. Even on the beaches (I live in the sunniest state in my country where bikinis and even topless bathers are all over the place) it's only the 'body-beautifuls' who go on full display. Most women wear board shorts or those kaftan-style tops not out of modesty, but out of insecurity about baring less than perfect bodies.  

 

It's rude to ask someone why they choose to wear an item of clothing (like asking a chubby woman why she is wearing a kaftan top on the beach) - and if this ever happens again, you could fire back by asking her why she is wearing a certain colour or style. Her answer will be 'because it's my choice' - you tell her that's the same reason you are wearing what you do. 

 

People should just mind their own business!  

[dahlia]

Just stepping in to say I think it's way cool your baby is named Odin.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

I think it is perfectly understandable that your hormones are still putting you a little on edge.  That plus an annoying situation like you experienced is enough to fluster anyone.

 

That said, I agree with the advice to simply say, "I dress this way because I like it."  

 

Here's my theory about the jump to abuse:  I have heard so many stories about Muslim women being abused (granted it is always the bad stories that get around not "boring" everyday stories of normal people)  Still because of all those stories when I see a Muslim woman covered head to toe, I do think, "Oh, I hope you are safe and treated like the child of God you are."  I would never say that though.  I think the women you talked to were over the line, but I also think this is the sort of mind set they are coming from.  They assume women like to wear bikinis and jumped to the wrong conclusions.  I think they meant well, but they were rude.

[prisonchaplain]

Literate, I might be wrong, but my guess is that most people would not ask a Muslim woman why she dresses modestly.  Therein lies the hypocrisy (or double-standard).  Media and culture are cautious and respectful of immigrant religiosity--especially Islam--but can be flippant and disrespectful of all brands of Christianity.