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tumbledquartz

Why can't life be easier?

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I don't post very often, but I really feel the need to vent right now.

 

For almost a year now, my husband and I have been separated. In mid-March, he was saying that he wanted to get his act cleaned up and get me back; that he was so sad without me and the kids. 

 

Then suddenly in April, he says, "never mind; let's just have an amicable divorce without lawyers." (Turns out he has a new girlfriend now; probably the reason he changed his mind so abruptly, though he won't confirm or deny it.)

 

For this past year, I could count on one hand the number of times our kids have slept at his house despite my asking him to take them once a week. But now that it's time to work out the details of the divorce and we're talking about child support and alimony, he suddenly just has to have the little darlings at least 3 days a week.

 

This is a guy who is smoking pot, getting drunk on a daily basis, and left our kids alone for 36 hours straight a couple months ago while leading me to believe he had them with him. Luckily, they were OK, but it confirmed to me that they are better off with me. I decided at that point that I would let him have the regular every-other-week visits, but that he didn't want anything more, and I wasn't sure they were safe with him anyway.

 

We went into divorce mediation last week. I went in saying I wanted sole custody and he went in saying he wanted them 3 days a week, and after 5 hours of haggling back and forth, we finally "compromised" on him having them 3 days a week for a trial period.

 

He said that his mom told him he should fight for full custody, so I should be happy he is settling for just 3 days a week. I've never claimed to be without flaws, and I've made some mistakes this past year while I've been a single mom, but it baffles me that my MIL could possibly think her grandkids are in better hands with him than they are with me. I tried to contact her, but she's too close-minded to listen to anything I have to say. I think she just doesn't want to feel like a failure as a parent, so she's holding onto hope that her son isn't as bad as he really is.

 

There are two possible positive outcomes to this whole trial custody arrangement that I can see happening. First, he will realize that having the kids 3 days a week, especially once school starts and he has to get them places, is harder than he wants to deal with, and he'll back off and let me have full custody. OR, he will actually step up and be responsible while he has them and I can get a break from the single mom thing.

 

I'm trying not to think of the third option, where my kids are hurt emotionally or physically, or where he can't handle it but he pretends that he can long enough to make it permanent.

 

Anyway you look at it, divorce sucks, and it's not the "easy" way out, in case you were wondering if there was a moral to this story. :(

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He wants custody so that he doesn't have to pay child support.

 

Amicable isn't happening. Get the best lawyer you can afford.

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What a rough situation . . . . I have no idea what you are going through.  It is horrible when families for one reason or another are broken up.  I wish that we could learn the lessons of life without having to go through such trials.

 

Unfortunately, many times we can only learn the lessons of life by going through such horrible circumstances.  Life is very hard and every individual must go through their own Gethsemane so to speak.  The power of the Atonement helps us endure those circumstances better.  

 

For some individuals it is a divorce with multiple kids, for others it is Stage 4 cancer with multiple kids, for others it is the death of a child, the loss of a job, for some it is disability.  Sometimes it is multiple situations at once or at different times in our life.  Sometimes we might feel like Job.

 

This much I do know, if we are humble and willing to listen to God, He will hear us, He will give us relief, He will answer our prayers.  Sometimes the answer may not be what we want, but the answer will be for our best interest.  We must learn to trust in Him completely with our whole soul saying that we will be willing to do whatever He asks of us, if He will only show us the way.  He will then send to us ministering angels to lead and guide us when He knows we need it the most.

 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/for-thy-good?lang=eng&query=pains+and+sufferings

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-atonement-covers-all-pain?lang=eng&query=pains+and+sufferings#5-PD50028768_000_1050

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Guest LiterateParakeet

So sorry you are going through this.  

 

But I second the advice to get the best lawyer you can afford!

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Thanks for your advice and thoughts. It's funny, but the speaker in church today was talking about the handcart pioneers becoming acquainted with God in their extremities, and he asked us if we really wanted life to be easy? Felt like he was directly answering my question in the title of this thread.

 

After I posted my rant last night, I noticed my son was online pretty late, so I chatted with him and found out the kids were home alone while their dad was out at a friend's house. I talked to them for a while, and when it was after midnight and he still wasn't home, i just went and picked them up. Temporary agreement or not, I'm not going to leave them at his house while he's out getting stoned.

 

I know I should get a lawyer. I need to look into free legal services, because I have no real money to speak of right now. I am documenting everything, though. Maybe it won't take much to get him to settle out of court when he's presented with the evidence and he sees that I won't let him just walk over me. One can always hope, right? :/

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Guest LiterateParakeet

Good for you for picking them up, and documenting.

 

About the attorney, call around.  Explain your situation, ask about payments.  Get advice from your Bishop.  Hope is nice, but this is the time to fight like a mother bear for your children.  You can do this!  The Lord will help you.

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Remember, this is not about you or your husband anymore.  This is about the welfare of your children.  You need to do everything in your power to protect them.

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Good for you for picking them up, and documenting.

 

About the attorney, call around.  Explain your situation, ask about payments.  Get advice from your Bishop.  Hope is nice, but this is the time to fight like a mother bear for your children.  You can do this!  The Lord will help you.

You can get an attorney very cheaply if your husband is employed and has assets.  There are ways to make him pay for the attorney.  Don't talk to your Bishop about this unless his an attorney, or unless he is only giving you spiritual advice.

 

Likely he is not qualified to discuss particulars of your divorce/advise on that subject.  

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Don't talk to your Bishop about this unless his an attorney, or unless he is only giving you spiritual advice.

 

That advise does not fit with the scriptures: D&C 107:68 "for the office of a bishop is in administering all temporal things;"

 

Moreover, everything is spiritual advise. D&C 29:34 "Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual,"

 

Do talk to your bishop. "Whom God calls, God qualifies.” - Thomas S. Monson

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That advise does not fit with the scriptures: D&C 107:68 "for the office of a bishop is in administering all temporal things;"

 

Moreover, everything is spiritual advise. D&C 29:34 "Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual,"

 

Do talk to your bishop. "Whom God calls, God qualifies.” - Thomas S. Monson

Unless you are prepared to enter into litigation with your bishop if he gives you bad temporal advise I would only seek the help of a trained professional. Would you ask your plumber for legal or financial advise? Unlikely.

 

TFP likes to quote scripture and that is great, what is often missed is context. The context of the revelations given to Joseph about the structure and foundation of the church are not always relevant to our modern times. 

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Unless you are prepared to enter into litigation with your bishop if he gives you bad temporal advise I would only seek the help of a trained professional. Would you ask your plumber for legal or financial advise? Unlikely.

 

TFP likes to quote scripture and that is great, what is often missed is context. The context of the revelations given to Joseph about the structure and foundation of the church are not always relevant to our modern times. 

 

I didn't say ask the bishop for legal advise. I said tell him. You're being contentious for no reason.

 

Apparently you like to write off any scripture you don't care for as "out of context for our day".

 

Hmm. So apparently, according you you, the bishop administering in temporal things was only valid in Joseph Smith's day, all things being spiritual is no longer valid in our new and enlightened age, and God no longer qualifies whom He calls? Am I understanding you correctly?

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I didn't say ask the bishop for legal advise. I said tell him. You're being contentious for no reason.

 

Apparently you like to write off any scripture you don't care for as "out of context for our day".

 

Hmm. So apparently, according you you, the bishop administering in temporal things was only valid in Joseph Smith's day, all things being spiritual is no longer valid in our new and enlightened age, and God no longer qualifies whom He calls? Am I understanding you correctly?

 

I am not being contentious, and you did say with that scripture you quoted to seek out your bishop for temporal advise, not to just tell him about it.

 

I'm not here to argue but context needs to be inserted when you quote scripture otherwise you can quote till your head explodes and its meaningless, or people take it very literally and things can go very wrong when that happens.

 

When the revelation was given to Joseph Smith the Bishops were in charge of temporal affairs of the people and spiritual this included dividing up land that members consecrated by deeding all their land and goods to the Bishop with an irrevocable deed, the bishop was then to proportionate the goods received based on the needs of the families. Parceling out food and stores, resolving family conflicts, making big decisions about Zion and it's people etc, etc...some of this has carried  to modern day but our political climate has changed and the roll of Bishops while in theory is similar it is not the same at all. Would you deed over all of your land and temporal goods to your bishop? Point in fact the utopia that was planned didn't work. 

 

You think that it's a good idea for her to burden her bishop with her problems, I say that unless it is of spiritual nature ie. faith/sin related you can't fulfill your calling etc. you don't need to burden the guy with your personal problems. Your bishop is your spiritual adviser seek his council in those things, the Lord does qualify I never said he didn't. 

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I am not being contentious, and you did say with that scripture you quoted to seek out your bishop for temporal advise, not to just tell him about it.

 

I'm not here to argue but context needs to be inserted when you quote scripture otherwise you can quote till your head explodes and its meaningless.  When the revelation was given to Joseph Smith the Bishops were in charge of temporal affairs of the people and spiritual this included dividing up land that members consecrated by deeding all their land and goods to the Bishop with an irrevocable deed, the bishop was then to proportionate the goods received based on the needs of the families. Parceling out food and stores, resolving family conflicts, making big decisions about Zion and it's people etc, etc...some of this has carried  to modern day but our political climate has changed and the roll of Bishops while in theory is similar it is not the same at all. Would you deed over all of your land and temporal goods to your bishop? Point in fact the utopia that was planned didn't work. 

 

You think that it's a good idea for her to burden her bishop with her problems, I say that unless it is of spiritual nature ie. faith/sin related you can't fulfill your calling etc. you don't need to burden the guy with your personal problems. Your bishop is your spiritual adviser seek his council in those things, the Lord does qualify I never said he didn't. 

 

 

You are, flatly, wrong. The bishop is responsible for the temporal well being of his ward. And marriage issues, divorce, custody, and the like are very distinctly part of his purview. Beyond that, anyone not seeking spiritual advise in these matters, as well as temporal, is a fool. These things ARE spiritual. Decidedly, distinctly, without question, spiritual.

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You are, flatly, wrong. The bishop is responsible for the temporal well being of his ward. And marriage issues, divorce, custody, and the like are very distinctly part of his purview. Beyond that, anyone not seeking spiritual advise in these matters, as well as temporal, is a fool. These things ARE spiritual. Decidedly, distinctly, without question, spiritual.

I agree the bishop is responsible for the temporal welfare of his ward, that why we have a bishops store house and why we give fast offerings.

 

Martial counseling should be handed over to professionals i.e. LDS family services. Divorce and custody issues in the hands of lawyers.

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How about if I tell my bishop some of my troubles but don't expect him to give me legal advice? :D I've actually talked to him a little bit and he referred me to a nice family lawyer in our ward who said he was willing to give me some free advice. This was before the whole thing started blowing up, though.

 

My ex (I've decided to start calling him my ex even though it isn't official) told me today that I can't tell him not to leave the kids home alone past midnight--that I can't give him a "curfew." He also admitted that he has started dating and that the kids have met his girlfriend, and that it's none of my business. He's acting like a sullen teenager, if you ask me.

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I don't think anyone's suggesting that bishops should be giving legal advice, Omega. It just seemed you were suggesting that the bishop should specifically and uniquely be kept totally out of the loop. That's what caught my attention, anyways. Appears to have been a miscommunication. :)

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How about if I tell my bishop some of my troubles but don't expect him to give me legal advice? :D I've actually talked to him a little bit and he referred me to a nice family lawyer in our ward who said he was willing to give me some free advice. This was before the whole thing started blowing up, though.

 

My ex (I've decided to start calling him my ex even though it isn't official) told me today that I can't tell him not to leave the kids home alone past midnight--that I can't give him a "curfew." He also admitted that he has started dating and that the kids have met his girlfriend, and that it's none of my business. He's acting like a sullen teenager, if you ask me.

 

You can't control what your husband does.  You can only control how you react to it.  Choose wisely in favor of your children's physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

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How about if I tell my bishop some of my troubles but don't expect him to give me legal advice? :D I've actually talked to him a little bit and he referred me to a nice family lawyer in our ward who said he was willing to give me some free advice. This was before the whole thing started blowing up, though.

 

My ex (I've decided to start calling him my ex even though it isn't official) told me today that I can't tell him not to leave the kids home alone past midnight--that I can't give him a "curfew." He also admitted that he has started dating and that the kids have met his girlfriend, and that it's none of my business. He's acting like a sullen teenager, if you ask me.

I think that's exactly what you should do.  While some of the things you tell him might lean towards legal advice needed, Bishops can also give spiritual advice to get you through the tough times.  Sounds like he's already given you some suggestions towards the legal side by referring you to someone else.

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