Taking advantage of a HT or letting him do his thing?


dahlia
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Y'all know I live with my grown son. I think that, since the father died when my son was 14, said son didn't have the opportunity to learn the manly homely stuff guys usually learn from their fathers. Ergo, I usually have to call on a professional when I have house problems.

 

My HT is a gem. A wonderful guy, the same age as my son, but who knows home repair.  He is rehabbing his house and is pretty competent from what I've seen.  He patched the interior damage from last winter's storms and put up a ceiling fan for me. I am grateful for this service. I would have, and could have, paid a professional, but HT offered, I knew he'd done this kind of work before, so I let him. I also provided a little gift as part of me feels weird that it's being done for free.

 

Well, I mentioned was going to get a new toilet and that I had purchased and installed one thru a plumber earlier and was going to do use the same guy. HT says he's done that before, had put one in his current house, and would be happy to install it.

 

I want to add that one of my friends, also a single mom, uses her HTs for everything. I always think I should be struggling before I ask, mostly because these guys have demanding jobs and need to spend time with their families. For some reason I also think that if I can afford to hire someone, I should, before asking my HT for help.

 

So, my Hank Hill of a HT, who was practically salivating at the idea of putting in the toilet, wants to do that for me (obviously I'd buy the supplies). Should I let him? Is this the proper use of a HT?  Why do I feel this borders on using people?

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Being extremely independent and allowing other individuals to serve me is very difficult.  However, I have learned that many times there are blessings associated with serving others and that by giving others the opportunity to serve me, I am helping them have access to the blessings of heaven.  

 

Each and every time I have someone serve me, I pray that HF will help them in their life, in the struggles they are going through that He will see their acts of kindness and provide for them in their time of need.

 

I think the one particular line can be drawn is whether we expect the service or whether we are grateful for whatever anyone is willing to do.  Expectation of being served is extremely self-centered and IMO un-Christlike.  We should be looking for how we can serve others rather than an expectation of others being at our beck and call.  An expectation of being served will develop a sense of ungratefulness that when someone is unable to serve we will develop an attitude.

 

Part of the issue, might be (and I'm reading between the lines-never a good thing), is that you hope your son would be doing some of these same things.  I do not know the age of your son, but only you can determine whether he is contributing adequately to compensate for the generous gift of living at home.

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My immediate reaction is that if you can afford to hire someone for these kinds of tasks, then that is exactly what you should do.

I just don't understand why anyone - widow or not - would expect their HTs to do stuff they can afford to hire done (and I'm a widow with physical limitations due to MS). They are not our personal repair service.

There are enough demands on the brethren's time with such projects for people who are truly struggling financially and they get little enough time with their families as it is

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My immediate reaction is that if you can afford to hire someone for these kinds of tasks, then that is exactly what you should do.

I just don't understand why anyone - widow or not - would expect their HTs to do stuff they can afford to hire done (and I'm a widow with physical limitations due to MS). They are not our personal repair service.

There are enough demands on the brethren's time with such projects for people who are truly struggling financially and they get little enough time with their families as it is

 

I agree with this however, if they volunteer to do a specific task and ask if they can do it for you I say let them do it if you feel that they can do it well and correctly.

 

Many want the chance to do service and should we deny them the opportunity if they ask if they can help?

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How does the wife feel about it?  My husband is pretty handy and is quite willing to help others but he also knows that we have a 'honey-do list' as well so I wouldn't be too thrilled if there was a lack of balance/attention.  At the very least, make sure to let her know how much you appreciate his time because she's affected, too.

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Part of the issue, might be (and I'm reading between the lines-never a good thing), is that you hope your son would be doing some of these same things.  I do not know the age of your son, but only you can determine whether he is contributing adequately to compensate for the generous gift of living at home.

 I know he can't do the stuff. What I was trying to do, in part, was provide some male influence in the hope that my son would work side by side w/my HT and learn something. He doesn't seem interested, tho, which bothers me a little. How is he going to be a 'man' and be able to handle stuff in the house?  Son is a PhD student who contributes to some bills, but way below what it would cost him to live on his own. We are OK with that arrangement; his education (and have a good job so he can get married) comes first. 

 

My stepfather never did anything at home except mow. I guess you don't have to do it if you can pay others to do it, but I think it's good to know the basics so that you aren't taken by tradesmen.

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How does the wife feel about it?  My husband is pretty handy and is quite willing to help others but he also knows that we have a 'honey-do list' as well so I wouldn't be too thrilled if there was a lack of balance/attention.  At the very least, make sure to let her know how much you appreciate his time because she's affected, too.

I know the wife fairly well and she seems OK about it. I think if he were taking time from the rehab work, she would let him know that now is not the time to help me.  I also get the feeling that he likes to switch up jobs and doesn't mind the break to do my little stuff.  As I mentioned, I'm well aware of, and try hard to regard, his family and work obligations. We're such a weird ward. There are so many young families and guys who are in med school, on call, etc., I hate to ask for anything that would take them away from those two important things. My HT is finally out of school and in practice, but gee, like that's not hard on it's own, huh?

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I agree with this however, if they volunteer to do a specific task and ask if they can do it for you I say let them do it if you feel that they can do it well and correctly.

 

Many want the chance to do service and should we deny them the opportunity if they ask if they can help?

 

Yes. This happened last time - I expressed my thanks and concern about his time, but he said, "If I recall, I volunteered."  So...  And I do provide something for him or his family. I would never let him work and not give anything.

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Replacing a toilet is one of the more easy things to do.  At the risk of sounding sexist it is so easy even ladies can do it.  You might want to watch so you can do it yourself next time.  Maybe that would motivate your son.  The hardest part is lifting the thing and putting it down in the exact spot it needs to be.

 

Here is a switch - ask your HT to help you do it to make sure you get it all right.  I would bet that would impress your HT and maybe even a few on this forum.  :)  -- like me.

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I know the wife fairly well and she seems OK about it. I think if he were taking time from the rehab work, she would let him know that now is not the time to help me.  I also get the feeling that he likes to switch up jobs and doesn't mind the break to do my little stuff.  As I mentioned, I'm well aware of, and try hard to regard, his family and work obligations. We're such a weird ward. There are so many young families and guys who are in med school, on call, etc., I hate to ask for anything that would take them away from those two important things. My HT is finally out of school and in practice, but gee, like that's not hard on it's own, huh?

For the record - Your op did indicate how considerate you are about things so my reply was more to the masses than to you specifically because not everyone is as mindful as you seem to be.

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If he volunteers for it fine, but if he screws it up you can't complain and you will have no other resource besides calling a professional. Granted installing a toilet should take all of 30 min, but you get my point.

 

Your son not being able to perform this simple task is/should be the concern. As a PHD student he is plenty smart enough to crack a home improvement book or find a how to video on the internet. What seems to be the underlying reason for the lack of desire to learn this stuff?

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Your son not being able to perform this simple task is/should be the concern. As a PHD student he is plenty smart enough to crack a home improvement book or find a how to video on the internet. What seems to be the underlying reason for the lack of desire to learn this stuff?

Underlying reason? He just doesn't have an interest and feels his time is better spent on things that appeal to him (did I mention he's an only child?). My grandfather was a master plumber. My mother learned some things from him and I learned from my mother. I can snake a pipe or toilet and do some other things that freak out a lot of women. Son could care less. 

 

My late husband was a regular working class guy who knew how to do stuff. My stepfather (the other man influential in my son's life) was a busy lawyer and had no interest or time to do household stuff and always hired people. I guess there's no sin in not knowing how to do things, but you'd think that you'd want to, y'know?

 

Just A Guy - I like the idea of a gift certificate. Thanks. 

 
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Underlying reason? He just doesn't have an interest and feels his time is better spent on things that appeal to him . . . .

 

I am not being snarky, personally, if I lived at home with my parents and had never been on my own, I'd feel my time would be better spent on a doing a lot more things then working around the house.

 

At this point in his life, there is no incentive for him to learn how to fix a toilet.  

 

However, once he is on his own struggling to provide for either himself or a family the incentive margin to learn how to fix a toilet kicks in real quick.  The thought process goes, "Wow, I can pay a plumber $300+ and another $150 for the toilet, or I can spend 30 min. figuring out how to put in a toilet and save $300, hmmm I think I'll figure out how to put in a toilet"

 

If he is fortunate enough to make good money the thought process will go "I could learn to put in a toilet, but I'd only save $300, I can make that by working on a client case and I don't have to deal with the hassle . . . .honey where is the phonebook?"

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Y'all know I live with my grown son. I think that, since the father died when my son was 14, said son didn't have the opportunity to learn the manly homely stuff guys usually learn from their fathers. Ergo, I usually have to call on a professional when I have house problems.

 

My HT is a gem. A wonderful guy, the same age as my son, but who knows home repair.  He is rehabbing his house and is pretty competent from what I've seen.  He patched the interior damage from last winter's storms and put up a ceiling fan for me. I am grateful for this service. I would have, and could have, paid a professional, but HT offered, I knew he'd done this kind of work before, so I let him. I also provided a little gift as part of me feels weird that it's being done for free.

 

Well, I mentioned was going to get a new toilet and that I had purchased and installed one thru a plumber earlier and was going to do use the same guy. HT says he's done that before, had put one in his current house, and would be happy to install it.

 

I want to add that one of my friends, also a single mom, uses her HTs for everything. I always think I should be struggling before I ask, mostly because these guys have demanding jobs and need to spend time with their families. For some reason I also think that if I can afford to hire someone, I should, before asking my HT for help.

 

So, my Hank Hill of a HT, who was practically salivating at the idea of putting in the toilet, wants to do that for me (obviously I'd buy the supplies). Should I let him? Is this the proper use of a HT?  Why do I feel this borders on using people?

If youre not worried abou how well of a job he does, id say absolutely take him up on his offer.
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Also i think the event where Christ washes the apostles feet teachs about the type of situation where someone is going above and beyond the call of duty for you.

As for your son, sometimes a nestling has to get pushed out of the nest.... Just sayin. But as long as hes progressing in life and has the means either to pay or learn how to do it then i wouldnt worry too much. (easierbsaid than done tho).

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He volunteered, let him do it.  I offer to help people all the time, whether or not I HT them.  I would wonder how I had ticked off my HT family if I offered to do something for them and they declined.

 

I'm not sure if it's just a British stiff upper lip thing then, but my relatives rarely accept any kind of FoC external help unless we're absolutely desperate. We either do it ourselves or pay for a professional. It's nothing personal against the person that offered.

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If the man knows how to install a toilet and is salivating at the thought, let him.

In general, I think one can be too needy. But the Church promotes community, and community is a good thing. We ought to be serving each other. The balance is only upset when one's service truly damages his life. Are you asking him to make your toilet a half-hour priority or is he unable to serve his own family because you need his services 24/7? The latter is not the ideal of service.

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