Shsmith Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 I have had someone very close to me get a divorce because of pornography, so I really want to make sure that when I get married that won't be an issue. How do I tactfully ask the guy I am dating if he struggles with pornography? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 "Do you struggle with pornography?" Done. Well, of course, you don't ask it on your first date. You get to know the person first and be good friends with him before you broach the subject. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dravin Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 How would you want to be asked? I'm not sure one can really ask that question tactfully (certainly not cold), one could try to dance around the question by discussing the topic of pornography in general, but sometimes one needs to simply put on their big girl/boy pants and ask difficult questions. Leah 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Honor Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 I don't believe getting a "no" answer to that question would provide what you're seeking. I'd be more concerned with how open someone is to discussing the issue of pornography (including their own personal experiences), and if/how they currently work on improving themselves in all areas of life. I'm willing to bet that the situations where pornography destroys relationships are where individuals are not willing to admit that it is a problem and/or are unwilling to try to change behavior. Saying they don't struggle with it might also mean that they haven't struggled with it yet. How someone would approach a personal temptation and their willingness to improve would be much more valuable questions to have answered. Those questions will probably be best answered through your own observations as you continue to get to know someone than by the words they speak when you ask a question. Matthew.Bennett, pam and Crypto 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just_A_Guy Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 Can I, as a porn addict, be very, very candid with you? These things should be discussed with a potential marriage partner; but bear in mind--a person in the clutches of a porn addiction is very likely to simply lie about it. It's nothing personal against you; and they won't give it a second thought--they've been lying about it, in most cases, for years. Addicts lie. It's the nature of the beast. I fully agree with Honor--you need to watch his conduct, not just his words. How does he treat women generally, and you in particular? Does he listen to and respect his sisters' and mother's opinion? Is he open with you about his other failings and/or weaknesses, and does he assume accountability for them? Does he try to take physical liberties with you--even "small" ones--that he shouldn't? Is he secretive and withdrawn at times? Is he prone to depression? Does he tend to expect instant gratification? I would also note that the best evidence is that the number of males--even LDS males--who have been exposed to porn and have sought it out at one time or another, is ridiculously high. Now, I'm not saying you should lower your standards in a potential mate at this point--that's between you and the Lord; and if you can find an LDS male untainted by porn and he otherwise meets your criteria in a mate, that's wonderful. But I would respectfully suggest that the more open a person is about his problem with porn, the more advanced his recovery is as well. I'd much rather marry a recovering addict, than an addict who was still in denial. Blackmarch, Honor, Matthew.Bennett and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrShorty Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 I might suggest that, before you worry about asking the men you date, you spend some time in real introspection -- asking yourself similar questions. A few additional thoughts: Among those who attempt to study the effects of porn, they say it can be very difficult to put together a representative "control" sample. As JAG says, there are a lot of men who have been exposed to porn. There is probably some real value in asking yourself how much exposure or what level of porn use is "acceptable" to you. It sometimes seems in some of the literature I have read on the subject that we have a real expectation of "complete abstinence" that, while possible, may not be 100% practical. Are you going to hold out for the guys who have never been tainted and will (hopefully) never ever be exposed to it, or are you able within yourself to tolerate a certain level of exposure? Will it be tolerable only if it is past exposure, but you will expect 100% abstinence from now to eternity? Like JAG, I don't want to encourage you to lower your standards, but I see some wisdom in coming to terms with your own expectations, why you expect them, so that you will be able to articulate them to your potential suitors when the time comes. Are you keeping yourself suitably clean in this area? I personally sometimes feel that there is a "double standard" when it comes to erotica. Men are expected to be completely free of using visual porn on the internet, but women feel it is ok to indulge in some of those steamy romances with their sometimes explicit descriptions. Perhaps along those lines, how do you "define" or describe pornography? Is there a difference in your mind between erotica and pornography? How do you feel about R and PG-13 rated movies? Many of them -- even if they do not show explicit nudity -- carry certain casual attitudes towards sex that you may or may not consider acceptable. One of Dr. David Schnarch's favorite concepts is "differentiation". Considering there is a real chance that you will date men who have dabbled in or are currently using pornography, will you be able to hold onto your own sense of self in the face of these admissions? Does your own sense of beauty, worth, etc. depend on the men you date, or are you emotionally self-sufficient to accept that some men (even in the church) are not 100% abstinent from porn use? Again, this isn't trying to get you to lower your standards. Instead, I want you to consider exactly what your current attitudes are in a clear enough way that you can articulate them to yourself and (as needed) to the men you date so that you can make suitable choices during dating and courtship to minimize the risk of divorce later. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 I have had someone very close to me get a divorce because of pornography, so I really want to make sure that when I get married that won't be an issue. How do I tactfully ask the guy I am dating if he struggles with pornography?Just ask him, he will likely lie about it as stated earlier the exposure to porn is very high, very, very high. As others have said you don't want to lower your standards but keep in mind if you are looking for the guy who has never been exposed it's going to be a tough thing. Also remember that exposure does not equal addiction, the direction that is given to bishops on the matter is very clear on this. Addiction follows a pattern of behaviors. I am not an expert on addiction I am sure others will be more qualified than I am to speak on the subject. PG-13 and R rated movies have also been mentioned, everyone has their own tolerance level for the type of sexual scenes and nudity that are now acceptable in our society. If you have not decided what is acceptable to you now is the time to do so. A frank and open non judgmental conversation need to be had with anyone you are dating seriously not just about this subject but many others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palerider Posted July 29, 2014 Report Share Posted July 29, 2014 Just because you ask a potential spouse if they have a pornography problem doesn't mean you will get a correct answer. They might not think they have a problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yjacket Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have had someone very close to me get a divorce because of pornography, so I really want to make sure that when I get married that won't be an issue. How do I tactfully ask the guy I am dating if he struggles with pornography? Personally, if a divorce is occurring because of pornography, I think something is seriously wrong on both parties end. Contrary to what most people might say, I do not believe that an addiction is an automatic reason for divorce, however it could be depending on the circumstance. Adultery and abuse are definitely automatic reasons. For example, if b/c of porn, the guy is then going to visit strip-clubs, and fooling around, then yes. If he is so consumed by it that he loses a job and can't function, maybe. If he is watching several hours a week . . . . he probably needs help. Part of a marriage is loving someone for who they are, who they want to be and who they may become. It is sticking through the absolute hades that comes in life and building something strong together. Some couples deal with death, sickness, loss of job, etc. Some deal with addiction. I would simply say, you can certainly talk about it, but until you have an extremely close relationship you won't really know. It is not something that if one has a problem with they will tell someone they don't really know (who they are dating), "yes I have a problem with porn", as others have said they will probably only say something if they are really recovery. A few stats for you:http://www.covenanteyes.com/pornstats/https://wsr.byu.edu/pornographystats Porn is a modern-day scourge and unfortunately I think in many ways it left many parents flat-footed because of the speed of technology increase. Only just now are individuals who grew up with the internet starting to have children, (i.e. technologically savvy parents). I think too many parents were unprepared for the internet (no fault of their own) and consequently they were not able to properly teach their children the dangers of the internet, until it was too late. It will probably take another 10-15 years before parenting culture,in general, catches up with technological advances. And porn, IMO is something that without proper training and discipline is very easy to get sucked into. Consequently, I'm sure there are many, many individuals who have/had issues with porn; men and women. The bigger questions rather than porn is can he take you to the temple and feel worthy about going and what is his level of commitment to God and to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crypto Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 He may or may not tell the truth especially if he is addicted.JAG pretty much covered it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted July 30, 2014 Report Share Posted July 30, 2014 Marry a good man who is dedicated to the gospel and right. One who served a mission, does his home teaching, speaks often of the gospel and clearly loves it, has a testimony and shares it, serves his neighbor, and treats you with absolute respect, showing honor and integrity in all he does. Go to the Lord and get confirmation that he is the right one for you to marry. Does this ^ mean he won't end up having pornography problems? No. But the chances are much higher that he won't, and if he does, the chances that he'll repent and overcome it are much higher. mdfxdb and yjacket 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 (edited) you have to be very straight forward Edited December 1, 2016 by LegionObeys Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Here is an idea, I mentioned earlier that you should just ask him in thinking about it some more it comes to mind that most men have been exposed to porn in one form or another.So the question really is do you want to marry someone who has been exposed to porn? Or do you want to marry a liar?I think maybe your better off not asking because you'll be disappointed either way Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
notquiteperfect Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 I think maybe your better off not asking because you'll be disappointed either way A significant other has the right to know! Furthermore, even if the guy lies then that's on him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 A significant other has the right to know! Furthermore, even if the guy lies then that's on him.Fair enough, but when the standard is "no" exposure at all to porn many will lie about it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Fair enough, but when the standard is "no" exposure at all to porn many will lie about it Should the church be teaching that every man should view at least some porn? Also, it should be noted, the standard is also no lying. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzie Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 I have had someone very close to me get a divorce because of pornography, so I really want to make sure that when I get married that won't be an issue. How do I tactfully ask the guy I am dating if he struggles with pornography? I don't think anyone would tell you "Yes, I do" but if you want to ask, perhaps you should ask directly if he watches porn. Most addicts do not believe they have an addiction and they think they have it under "control" until they hit rock bottom. So he might be watching porn but not necessarily believe he is struggling with it so he will answer accordingly. Just_A_Guy 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Should the church be teaching that every man should view at least some porn? Also, it should be noted, the standard is also no lying.As a consequence of the world we live in I challenge you to find an adult male who has not had some exposure in one form or another however minor to some form of what can be considered pornography. Clearly the church standard is to not view pornography and I never said it wasn't. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 As a consequence of the world we live in I challenge you to find an adult male who has not had some exposure in one form or another however minor to some form of what can be considered pornography. Clearly the church standard is to not view pornography and I never said it wasn't. But omega, the OP's question is not "Have you been exposed to pornography?". Her question is, "Do you struggle with pornography?" Two totally different things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Let's say the BF says "yeah I watch porn every once in a while but its not a problem" The OP has not commented on as to what is an acceptable level to her of porn. Is watching it infrequently ok? Does she have a zero tolerance policy? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Folk Prophet Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 "yeah I watch porn every once in a while but its not a problem" This is a baloney answer to give though. If one watches porn every once in a while then, "but its not a problem" is a lie. Purposefully watching porn is always a problem! If the answer was, "I was accidentally exposed to such-n-such but it's not a problem" then we're talking more in the realms of validity. Or even, "I used to watch porn sometimes but I do not any more." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Let's say the BF says "yeah I watch porn every once in a while but its not a problem" The OP has not commented on as to what is an acceptable level to her of porn. Is watching it infrequently ok? Does she have a zero tolerance policy? It's very simple in my head. If you're seeking it out, then it is a concern of morality. Accidentally stumbling upon it and staying away from it is not a concern. But if you sought it out because you didn't know it was wrong (you think it is not a problem), then it's a matter of agreeing that pornography is morally at odds with the OP and the relationship can be worked if you can be convinced that it is wrong and to stay away from it. But, I think the OP doesn't want to deal with this (although she didn't say so). If you agree that it is a concern of morality and you are having problems stopping yourself from seeking it out then it is a struggle. It's the OP's plan to not even bother dealing with this struggle in the marriage and to just walk away from the relationship. Good plan, that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not all members who use pornographic materials become addicted..... This is not to say that members should view pornographic materials they shouldn't and should work towards not viewing them at all ever Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 Not all members who use pornographic materials become addicted..... This is not to say that members should view pornographic materials they shouldn't and should work towards not viewing them at all ever Then it should be easy for them to stop doing so. Same as cigarettes really. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
omegaseamaster75 Posted August 5, 2014 Report Share Posted August 5, 2014 You must not know any smokers Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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