Thinking of divorce - help!

[Quichey]

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. I am 22 he is 27. We were engaged and married quite quickly and were sealed in the temple 2 months before our second anniversary. We have been apart 4 months during our first year of marriage. The relationship started on lies and WoW problems on his part, we married for the wrong reasons (sexual sin). Two weeks before our wedding we wanted to split but out parents had put so much into the wedding and we felt bad as my mum is quite poor. It was wrong from day 1 and he was distant since we got engaged. First year he never really wanted intimacy and I was all the more clingy, craving his affection. I began to think of my very loving ex boyfriend who was heart broken I moved away and married another man. I finally asked my husband the final time if he truly loved me...he replied no I don't think so. I moved back home the next day but I was too heart broken and needed to instantly be fixed so we got back together as he felt guilty about it. This happened a few more times until it stuck for a few months. When it came to what seemed like I would not see him again I freaked and we got back together. He wanted to as he doesn't need to be in love to be married and just doesn't want to bother with divorce, plus he wants to do his duties as a mormon priesthood holder. Bear in mind he never tried to win me back when I left. Anyways there was a couple more sin issues with WoW leading to loss of his drivers licence. Nothing since that. We pushed our issues aside and were fine for a while apart from me feeling depressed. I got over that mostly and we married in the temple. Now I can't cope with this distant and unloving nature anymore and am thinking about my ex again. He told me recently he doesn't love me as much as I love him and was depressed but then after seeing me cry so much he took it back. I want to divorce really but don't know if it's bad enough for that and I'm scared of the consequences. Any thoughts would be appreciated and feel free to ask questions I've definitely not covered everything!

[cecelity]

You already know what you need to do. It's time to talk to him and both of you commit to work on your own faults individually and work together for an eternal union, or it's time to go. After I was married for 8 months, I knew it was time to leave, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. After 8 years of fighting, crying, being lied to, and basically being miserable, I left him. And the clincher? He didn't come after me. He came after me 2 weeks later when a friend told him he should. That he didn't fight for me--and I knew that he wouldn't--helped me to know that I wasn't worth it to him, and I didn't really want to be with him any longer either. The best way to know if you should get a divorce is this: go to church, do your church calling, listen to the Holy Ghost, repent and be a better person. Then the Holy Ghost can help you to know if you should try one more time, if counseling is the right thing for you, or if it's time to move on. It's scary, I know. Even though it's been hard for me to be a single mom, etc., ii've been so much happier, emotionally stable, and spiritually better than during my hard, miserable, without-true-love marriage.

[Quichey]

Cecelity - thanks for the honest and straight to the point reply. We have spoken about it a lot but you are right, I need to be a better person and become closer to God to feel what the Holy Spirit is guiding me to do. I know how you feel about your husband not fighting for you. That has happened many times in our marriage but I guess I just went with the excuse of he just isn't that kind of guy or it's my fault for being so needy etc...

[LDS0617]

If you do want to try again, I recommend reading the "Fuve Live Languages" book. It us an eye-opening on understanding yourself and your loved ones. Above all, pray and pray.

[omegaseamaster75]

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. I am 22 he is 27. We were engaged and married quite quickly and were sealed in the temple 2 months before our second anniversary. We have been apart 4 months during our first year of marriage. The relationship started on lies and WoW problems on his part, we married for the wrong reasons (sexual sin). Two weeks before our wedding we wanted to split but out parents had put so much into the wedding and we felt bad as my mum is quite poor. It was wrong from day 1 and he was distant since we got engaged. First year he never really wanted intimacy and I was all the more clingy, craving his affection. I began to think of my very loving ex boyfriend who was heart broken I moved away and married another man. I finally asked my husband the final time if he truly loved me...he replied no I don't think so. I moved back home the next day but I was too heart broken and needed to instantly be fixed so we got back together as he felt guilty about it. This happened a few more times until it stuck for a few months. When it came to what seemed like I would not see him again I freaked and we got back together. He wanted to as he doesn't need to be in love to be married and just doesn't want to bother with divorce, plus he wants to do his duties as a mormon priesthood holder. Bear in mind he never tried to win me back when I left. Anyways there was a couple more sin issues with WoW leading to loss of his drivers licence. Nothing since that. We pushed our issues aside and were fine for a while apart from me feeling depressed. I got over that mostly and we married in the temple. Now I can't cope with this distant and unloving nature anymore and am thinking about my ex again. He told me recently he doesn't love me as much as I love him and was depressed but then after seeing me cry so much he took it back. I want to divorce really but don't know if it's bad enough for that and I'm scared of the consequences. Any thoughts would be appreciated and feel free to ask questions I've definitely not covered everything!

I am going to give you the answer that no one else here will. Your husband is disengaged, he has admitted to not loving you and that love is not that important in the marriage. He wants to keep the marriage for appearances sake. Maybe so his family won't judge him or so that he feels ok when he goes to church which based on everything you have described doesn't happen to often. You have compounded a mistake of marrying the first time by making another one and marrying in the temple. 

 

You are young and have a bright future in front of you, I am assuming no kids as this will influence my advise. 

 

The Lord does not want you to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. 

 

Get divorced, find a worthy young man to take you to the temple and have an eternal family. You will encounter road blocks and have difficult time ahead but you can't progress in the situation that you are currently in.

[yjacket]

You are young and have a bright future in front of you, I am assuming no kids as this will influence my advise. 

 

The Lord does not want you to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. 

 

Get divorced, find a worthy young man to take you to the temple and have an eternal family. You will encounter road blocks and have difficult time ahead but you can't progress in the situation that you are currently in.

 

 

What the??? what absolutely horrible advice.  "The Lord does not want you to be trapped in an unhappy marriage"

 

Please show me the references where the Scriptures, Prophets, GAs, Ensign, etc. support this claim, i.e that if you are in an unhappy marriage, the solution is to divorce.

 

This is contrary to the gospel.

 

Please refer to:

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/divorce?lang=eng&query=unhappy+marriage

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/04/an-elect-lady?lang=eng&query=unhappy+marriage

 

The gospel is almost always about encouraging marriages and saving marriages.  But I guess that in today's society it is always about me, me, me.  If I'm not happy, if I'm not served, I'm not the one who requires change.

 

Look, marriage is hard, it almost always is hard.  Taking two people and putting them together, especially under difficult circumstances.

 

I'll give you the best advice you'll ever receive.  If, and that's a big if both you and your husband want to save your marriage, then eliminate the outs.  Eliminate the thoughts of divorce, what happened before etc. and fight like mad to make it work.  I guarantee you, you can make it work.

[omegaseamaster75]

Wait, the OP is miserable her spouse does not love her. It sounds like by her description that there have been extensive efforts to save the marriage. When you have exhausted all avenues whats left?

 

Please tell me were the GA's or scripture were it says to suffer in a loveless marriage for eternity?

 

You advise to eliminate the "outs" Great in theory but marriage is a 2 way street both people in the marriage need to be full participants. The husband is just along for the ride, were does that leave the spouse? what about her eternal progression? 

[Guest]

Wait, the OP is miserable her spouse does not love her. It sounds like by her description that there have been extensive efforts to save the marriage. When you have exhausted all avenues whats left?

 

Please tell me were the GA's or scripture were it says to suffer in a loveless marriage for eternity?

 

You advise to eliminate the "outs" Great in theory but marriage is a 2 way street both people in the marriage need to be full participants. The husband is just along for the ride, were does that leave the spouse? what about her eternal progression? 

 

Define Love.

 

Both of them do not love each other.

 

Love does not flow inwards.  List every single reason you have for loving somebody.  Take out every single reason that has to do with what you get out of the relationship - e.g. "I love him because he makes me feel good", "I love him because he supports me in what I do", "I love him because he makes me breakfast", "I love him because he <insert what he does to you here>".  Is there anything left?

 

Love flows outwards.  I love my husband.  It is a decision I made.  I love my husband because he is the ONLY person on this planet that I voluntarily pledged to give my life to in service regardless of what I get out of it.  And my service centers completely around bringing him and myself closer to Christ.  That's it.  That's what a marriage is.  Very simple really.  Yes, I do realize that I could wake up tomorrow and find out my husband is a serial killer.  It doesn't change my love and my pledge of service for him.  It only changes how I go about doing it.  My happiness is dependent on my service to my husband.  My husband's service to me is a bonus.

 

Love does not have an IF attached to it... I will only love him IF <insert whatever reason here>.  Dying on the cross for the person who stabbed a lance through your side - that is love.

[mdfxdb]

 

The gospel is almost always about encouraging marriages and saving marriages.  But I guess that in today's society it is always about me, me, me.  If I'm not happy, if I'm not served, I'm not the one who requires change.

 

Look, marriage is hard, it almost always is hard.  Taking two people and putting them together, especially under difficult circumstances.

 

I'll give you the best advice you'll ever receive.  If, and that's a big if both you and your husband want to save your marriage, then eliminate the outs.  Eliminate the thoughts of divorce, what happened before etc. and fight like mad to make it work.  I guarantee you, you can make it work.

Your advice is no different than Omega's, except you couch it in a bunch of if's.  if both you and your husband want to save your marriage.......

 

He is done.  Read the op.  They have tried to make it work.   She is young.  It's time to cut bait, and go.  

 

To the OP.  You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant.

[Guest]

Your advice is no different than Omega's, except you couch it in a bunch of if's.  if both you and your husband want to save your marriage.......

 

He is done.  Read the op.  They have tried to make it work.   She is young.  It's time to cut bait, and go.  

 

To the OP.  You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant.

 

Only applicable if one is maintaining one's own covenant.

 

I am seeing warning bells with the mention of the ex-boyfriend as the catalyst to the wanting of divorce... out of the frying pan and into the fire is what I see.  One has to first learn what makes a marriage to really know that this marriage is not what one should be working on.  A lot of times, one leaves one failed marriage without knowing what it takes to have a working marriage, only to jump into another with the same failures...

[yjacket]

Your advice is no different than Omega's, except you couch it in a bunch of if's.  if both you and your husband want to save your marriage.......

 

He is done.  Read the op.  They have tried to make it work.   She is young.  It's time to cut bait, and go.  

 

To the OP.  You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant.

Lol nope you are wrong.

 

What horrible advice to give to people that "they tried to make it work" but failed and so b/c she's young it's time to cut bait. She has been married for 2 years!  

 

Being married for 2 years is a spit in the bucket of marriage.  Come back to me after 5+ years, marriage counseling, reading marriage books about what it takes to make a marriage and then you might have some creds on "trying to make it work"

 

Oh and CFR on "You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant." 

Unless it is for either abuse or adultery you are so incredibly wrong.  Please show me just one, just one General Conference talk that supports this claim.

 

Yes I said "if both you and your husband want to save your marriage"

 

However, that is a choice by both parties.  From the OP, I can't really say and it really isn't for any of us to say, whether the wife wants to save the marriage.  It isn't clear that the husband does or does not want to save the marriage.  Yes the husband said, "he doesn't need to be in love to be married and just doesn't want to bother with divorce"

Now, that is a crappy way to talk about being married, however there have been many arraigned marriages throughout time;  one does not need to be "in love" to be married.  The requirement to be "in love" to be married is in many ways a recent modern approach.  If one does all the things that marriage requires, one will eventually regardless of whether they choose it or not grow to love that person.

 

The wife needs to choose to have no outs, she needs to choose to save her marriage, she needs to do all that she possibly can to love her husband, to show that she love him and to work out any problems.  To not be loved back is a very difficult thing, however the Lord knows, He understands and He will bless her for doing all in her power to save her marriage.  To not be loved back, is not an acceptable reason for divorce.

 

I'll give you an example from the scriptures about not being in love and being married.  Jacob and Leah.  According to your counsel, you would have advised Leah to have split from Jacob b/c he didn't truly love her.  The 12 tribes of Israel would not exist with your counsel.

[mdfxdb]

First, her husband is no Jacob. I doubt he put in 7 years of work to gain her hand. Did you even read the OP?

The marriage by the op's description was a disaster from the start. He said he doesn't love her. Can you have a marriage without love? Of course but it can only exist where there is at least respect and regard for the other spouse. Marriage with intent and not to cover sin. Two wrongs don't and never did make a right.

By your proposal she should suffer for five more years and sacrifice some of the best years of her life. As some form of penance?

[Guest]

By your proposal she should suffer for five more years and sacrifice some of the best years of her life. As some form of penance?

 

No, I think yjacket is saying to spend however much time is needed (5 days, 5 years, 10 years, whatever) to learn what it takes to make a marriage work.  The best years of one's life has nothing to do with age and everything to do with one's maturity in the gospel.  It won't do her much good to jump out of the frying pan only to roast in the fire... regardless of what age she is in.

[Suzie]

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. I am 22 he is 27. We were engaged and married quite quickly and were sealed in the temple 2 months before our second anniversary. We have been apart 4 months during our first year of marriage. The relationship started on lies and WoW problems on his part, we married for the wrong reasons (sexual sin). Two weeks before our wedding we wanted to split but out parents had put so much into the wedding and we felt bad as my mum is quite poor. It was wrong from day 1 and he was distant since we got engaged. First year he never really wanted intimacy and I was all the more clingy, craving his affection. I began to think of my very loving ex boyfriend who was heart broken I moved away and married another man. I finally asked my husband the final time if he truly loved me...he replied no I don't think so. I moved back home the next day but I was too heart broken and needed to instantly be fixed so we got back together as he felt guilty about it. This happened a few more times until it stuck for a few months. When it came to what seemed like I would not see him again I freaked and we got back together. He wanted to as he doesn't need to be in love to be married and just doesn't want to bother with divorce, plus he wants to do his duties as a mormon priesthood holder. Bear in mind he never tried to win me back when I left. Anyways there was a couple more sin issues with WoW leading to loss of his drivers licence. Nothing since that. We pushed our issues aside and were fine for a while apart from me feeling depressed. I got over that mostly and we married in the temple. Now I can't cope with this distant and unloving nature anymore and am thinking about my ex again. He told me recently he doesn't love me as much as I love him and was depressed but then after seeing me cry so much he took it back. I want to divorce really but don't know if it's bad enough for that and I'm scared of the consequences. Any thoughts would be appreciated and feel free to ask questions I've definitely not covered everything!

 

I am very sorry you are going through hard times but let me ask you, what is that *you* want? Do you want to work on your marriage or you feel it is a little too late? Is your husband willing to work to save the marriage or he wants a divorce?

[Quichey]

This debate over whether it would be ok for me to want a divorce has given me some thought. I am going to continue to pray to The Lord for guidance and talk to my husband about these thoughts some more. I think I do need to try some more but I am so exhausted now...I can't keep this up forever. If I feel we need to part it will happen.

[Quichey]

I am very sorry you are going through hard times but let me ask you, what is that *you* want? Do you want to work on your marriage or you feel it is a little too late? Is your husband willing to work to save the marriage or he wants a divorce?

At the moment he does not want to divorce, which is largely why I am hesitant to ask for one. He doesn't seem very interested in fixing it though or bothered about how this is all affecting me. He just reads or something and cuts himself off, but that's always been his way. I know men and women are different but I deserve respect and want to be cared about. Maybe I didn't earn his respect.

[Suzie]

 Maybe I didn't earn his respect.

 

Please, do not think this way because if you do, it will be even harder to fix it or what is worse..stay in a marriage that might lead to abuse. I would kindly suggest that you seek the help of a professional therapist, you won't believe how much it can help you regardless of your marital status.

[Guest]

At the moment he does not want to divorce, which is largely why I am hesitant to ask for one. He doesn't seem very interested in fixing it though or bothered about how this is all affecting me. He just reads or something and cuts himself off, but that's always been his way. I know men and women are different but I deserve respect and want to be cared about. Maybe I didn't earn his respect.

 

Quichey... have you considered that maybe he himself doesn't know how he can fix it and that maybe he also is telling himself, "I deserve respect and want to be cared about" and is hoping you'll do something to help with that?

 

I always tell people... work outwards, not inwards.  That's the message of the gospel.  Service.  Charity.  Humility.  Lose yourself in the service of God and you will find it... etc. etc. etc.  Figure out how you can love him instead of figuring out why he doesn't love you.

[Leah]

My husband and I have been married for over 2 years. I am 22 he is 27. We were engaged and married quite quickly and were sealed in the temple 2 months before our second anniversary. We have been apart 4 months during our first year of marriage. The relationship started on lies and WoW problems on his part, we married for the wrong reasons (sexual sin). Two weeks before our wedding we wanted to split but out parents had put so much into the wedding and we felt bad as my mum is quite poor. It was wrong from day 1 and he was distant since we got engaged. First year he never really wanted intimacy and I was all the more clingy, craving his affection. I began to think of my very loving ex boyfriend who was heart broken I moved away and married another man. I finally asked my husband the final time if he truly loved me...he replied no I don't think so. I moved back home the next day but I was too heart broken and needed to instantly be fixed so we got back together as he felt guilty about it. This happened a few more times until it stuck for a few months. When it came to what seemed like I would not see him again I freaked and we got back together. He wanted to as he doesn't need to be in love to be married and just doesn't want to bother with divorce, plus he wants to do his duties as a mormon priesthood holder. Bear in mind he never tried to win me back when I left. Anyways there was a couple more sin issues with WoW leading to loss of his drivers licence. Nothing since that. We pushed our issues aside and were fine for a while apart from me feeling depressed. I got over that mostly and we married in the temple. Now I can't cope with this distant and unloving nature anymore and am thinking about my ex again. He told me recently he doesn't love me as much as I love him and was depressed but then after seeing me cry so much he took it back. I want to divorce really but don't know if it's bad enough for that and I'm scared of the consequences. Any thoughts would be appreciated and feel free to ask questions I've definitely not covered everything!

A red flag for me here is that you mention your ex more than once. I wonder how much fantasizing you are doing about him and whether you've convinced yourself that if you were just with him, life would be "perfect", and that is your main motivator in thinking about divorce.

We don't really know your husband's take on the situation as he is not here to tell us, but the issues described here are not insurmountable. But it's going to take work by both of you - this is true for every marriage.

You need to remove your ex as a factor - including daydreaming about him - before you make any decisions. Leaving a marriage to be with someone else is never a good Idea.

[Quichey]

I have come to understand that any daydreaming of my ex does not help. IF we were to divorce though it would NOT be for my ex don't worry. And you're right, my husband will have a different take I'm sure. I feel resent towards him a lot but from now I will work on that and only be kind and loving. I have spent time in counselling whilst I was depressed during our marriage. We could not afford any real marriage counselling/therapy although I hear that where I live the church can offer these services so I could talk to my bishop. I have also purchased the five love languages book someone on this post suggested. Something is telling me I still haven't done enough on my part to feel like I've done everything I could to make it work. Fingers crossed!

[yjacket]

First, her husband is no Jacob. I doubt he put in 7 years of work to gain her hand. Did you even read the OP?

The marriage by the op's description was a disaster from the start. He said he doesn't love her. Can you have a marriage without love? Of course but it can only exist where there is at least respect and regard for the other spouse. Marriage with intent and not to cover sin. Two wrongs don't and never did make a right.

By your proposal she should suffer for five more years and sacrifice some of the best years of her life. As some form of penance?

 

I'm still waiting on my CFR that " You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant." and "The Lord does not want you to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. " .i.e that if one is in an unhappy marriage that it is acceptable to divorce.

 

Until you can provide a CFR, I will not respond and it is my belief that any advice given without one would be unqualified.

[yjacket]

I have come to understand that any daydreaming of my ex does not help. IF we were to divorce though it would NOT be for my ex don't worry. And you're right, my husband will have a different take I'm sure. I feel resent towards him a lot but from now I will work on that and only be kind and loving. I have spent time in counselling whilst I was depressed during our marriage. We could not afford any real marriage counselling/therapy although I hear that where I live the church can offer these services so I could talk to my bishop. I have also purchased the five love languages book someone on this post suggested. Something is telling me I still haven't done enough on my part to feel like I've done everything I could to make it work. Fingers crossed!

 

+1.  Other recommendations:

http://www.amazon.com/Light-His-Fire-Passionately-Hopelessly/dp/0440207533 (old but IMHO very good)

http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

[Quichey]

+1. Other recommendations:

http://www.amazon.com/Light-His-Fire-Passionately-Hopelessly/dp/0440207533 (old but IMHO very good)

http://www.amazon.com/His-Needs-Her-Building-Affair-Proof/dp/0800744233

Thanks yjacket!

[mdfxdb]

I'm still waiting on my CFR that " You are not scripturaly  required to suffer with someone who cannot/will not maintain their covenant." and "The Lord does not want you to be trapped in an unhappy marriage. " .i.e that if one is in an unhappy marriage that it is acceptable to divorce.

 

Until you can provide a CFR, I will not respond and it is my belief that any advice given without one would be unqualified.

1 Corinthians 7:15   But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.

 

The OP has stated she still doesn't feel she has done enough.  With that statement by her I would advise she continue to work on the marriage until she feels she has done enough, and then to continue to work even more until she can't work on it any more.  Divorce is always a last resort, and should always be considered as such.  

 

see: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1993/01/i-have-a-question?lang=eng

 

You are not required to suffer into eternity just because you married someone who doesn't want to be married to you.

[yjacket]

1 Corinthian 7:15 is interesting, however we should also read the preceding verse.

"For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy."

 

Take 7:14 & 7:15 together to me means that being married to an unbeliever is not grounds for divorce, however if the unbeliever wants the divorce then "let him depart".  Essentially meaning that we should hold the believer to a higher standard for divorce than the unbeliever.  And this makes perfect sense.

 

The lds.org article is fantastic . . . thank you.

 

And yes, I do believe that if one has spent their mortal life in a marriage that is unworthy of celestial marriage yet they themselves are worthy of it, they will be recompensed for their faithfulness to the marriage covenant.