Shunned by LDS adult children


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Hi honeybee -

 

I agree with omegamaster--I would like to think it's not common at all and that there are other family dynamics at work.

 

I have seen family disputes where individuals try to (for lack of a more gentle word) shame other individuals into compliance with their own particular desires by calling their status as Church members/temple recommend holders into question.  I'm afraid my experience is that that tactic rarely ends well.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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With all the news stories about unemployed adult children living with their parents in their 20's and 30's I'd say loss of contact is the lesser of the 2 evils.  I'm quite terrified my stepdaughter will never move out, I've started saving to get her an apartment when she finishes high school.  

The rules in my house are pretty set...a mission or college...anything else and your OUT

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The rules in my house are pretty set...a mission or college...anything else and your OUT

 

Wow. So you're saying that even if your 18 yo son or 19 yo daughter got a good paying job and wanted to save money before moving out, you'd kick them out anyway?

 

M.

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Wow. So you're saying that even if your 18 yo son or 19 yo daughter got a good paying job and wanted to save money before moving out, you'd kick them out anyway?

 

M.

If they got a good paying job they can afford to move out.

 

Lets be honest what qualifies as "good paying" without a college education?

 

Mission or School anything else they are on their own

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If they got a good paying job they can afford to move out.

 

Lets be honest what qualifies as "good paying" without a college education?

 

Mission or School anything else they are on their own

 

Why do you have that rule? I've never understood a parent who wants to kick their kids out of the house just because they've turned 18. They are no longer welcomed to live in "your" home because of their age?

 

M.

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The rules in my house are pretty set...a mission or college...anything else and your OUT

 

I don't really see college as a valid solution unless that involves moving out of the house.  As you can see, I'm really not concerned about my kids shunning me.  More concerned that they wont grow up and get out. I'd rather be shunned than have adult kids living with me.  Consider it a blessing your kids have lives of their own.

Edited by garryw
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I don't really see college as a valid solution unless that involves moving out of the house.  As you can see, I'm really not concerned about my kids shunning me.  More concerned that they wont grow up and get out. I'd rather be shunned than have adult kids living with me.

 

Why don't you want adult kids (as in 18yo) living with you? You don't enjoy the company of your children or step-children?

 

M.

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Just wondering how common it is in our culture for active, strong, temple worthy LDS parents to be shunned or seldom contacted by their active adult, temple worthy children.     

 

I don't know how common it is in LDS culture but, I can see any adult children shunning parents if they were treated badly growing up. Those children probably couldn't wait to leave the house and bad memories would keep them away. Not saying that that is your situation honeybee; I'm just thinking of reasons why that could happen.

 

M. 

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I agree with Maureen, and would add that parents should examine their behavior when they are with their children. If communications are rife with guilt trips, lectures, criticisms, etc., it doesn't make the children want to see the parents more. 

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The rules in my house are pretty set...a mission or college...anything else and your OUT

My parents loved to tote the "you pay some rent after 18 if you're not in school" and going on about collage, until that time came however, in which I had a rather serious surgery in my mouth (removing 6 teeth and reparing some damage to my jaw), the job market not being very good and me not having any friends until I got to be like 22, obviously there was no collage, no one had the money for that, I finally did move out at 25 (just in July) and my parents always have said I have a home with them, regardless. I did pitch in, anyway I could and am glad my parents are the wonderful people they are.

I mean if they weren't good people I would have no issue tossing them out of my life, I did it to most of my extended family and feel nothing.

Had they kicked me out I'd have never spoken to them again, and had it been at 18, well I was far worse off since I would have had no support network if things got rough, no family or friends, I'd have probably died.

Edited by Lakumi
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My husband and I have always had an open-door policy for our children. If they need to live with us as adults, they are welcome to do so. I love having them. We've had two different adult children, who were newly married, live with us (and one was a step-son whom I have never considered differently from any of my biological children). It gave them the opportunity to save money for school, future housing, etc. Currently, we have our youngest son still living with us. He is 20 years old and working nearly full time. Also, my oldest grandson, 11 years old, lives with us. (His mom died when he was 2 months old), His dad, (not our child), also lives with us (but, he comes and goes). My 91 year old mother, with Alzheimer's, has also been living with us. And in the past, we have had a co-worker of my husband move in with us for awhile. I figure if we have space in our home, and food to share, it's the Christlike thing to do.  So far, I don't feel like we've been taken advantage of. I've just been grateful we have had the means to help out. I figure whatever I have is a gift from God anyway. 

 

Regrettably, our hospitality is most likely at its end. Due to some financial circumstances, my husband and I will most likely soon have to live with my husband's parents. I've shed a lot of tears over this. I feel like we're letting my grandson down. He has already been to so many different schools, and he finally found some stability with us. I feel like we're ripping the rug out from under him. As for my mother, I have other siblings she can live with. But, she has been the most comfortable with me. It is killing me to know I can no longer provide the stability that my grandson and mother have needed.

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Guest Godless

The most likely scenario I can think of that would relate this to the church is if your kids aren't as strong in the church as you may be being led to believe. Sometimes kids go through the motions in order to avoid tension over the topic of religion. I've been there and done that.

 

It is also just as likely that their behavior towards you has nothing to do with the church and that there are other issues in play.

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Just wondering how common it is in our culture for active, strong, temple worthy LDS parents to be shunned or seldom contacted by their active adult, temple worthy children.     

probably depends on where. altho if that behavior is occuring i'd wager that its either coming from some sort of outside influence or that there's something else in their life that is distracting them or pulling them away from waht one should do (supposing they have the means to contact their parents to some extent or another)

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The words that stood out to me most in the were "seldom contacted" rather than "shunned". These are two very different things. If a person is assuming that infrequent contact means they are being shunned, then it is quite possible they are over reacting. (Not saying this is the case because I am not aware of the exact circumstances). It could be that the adult children in question are over-scheduled with work, callings, kids and their activities and so on. I am not good at initiating contact with people when I am busy (so always). This doesn't mean that I don't love and care for them, I simply am often overwhelmed at all I have going on in my life. I have very good friends that I only see a couple times a year, and we live in the same city. I am blessed to have friendships where we can not see each other for months and then get together and no one is hurt or offended at the lack of contact, we just pick up where we left off. For many people under 40 Facebook is how they share their news and interact with people they don't see on a regular basis, it may be that adult children appear to be seldom contacting their parents because they have become accustomed to sharing their news on facebook, or twitter, or texting. If the OP is feeling neglected perhaps reaching out to their children, or trying to connect with them on their chosen platforms would help the situation.

 

However it could be that OP is being shunned, and the reasons in my opinion could be one or more of many, and most of those have nothing to do with the church. As Maureen said, the children could have been treated badly growing up, or they could feel that their parents treat them badly now, by guilt trips, criticism etc as Eowyn mentioned. The parents could just need too much time and attention, that their children are unable to provide due to other obligations - I have met some very demanding people over the years who can't seem to function without constant reassurance, help, and attention from others, people tend to withdraw from others who demand too much from them. It could also have nothing to do with the behaviour of the parents - I have seen adult children cut their parents out of their lives because they still have not developed the maturity to accept that the parents rules when they were teens were implemented out of love and a desire for the childs' own good.

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I agree, LDS culture has little or nothing to do with this.  That being said, I would like to think that those who are strong in the gospel and faithful in its principles would make an effort to maintain family relationships.

 

But... the world ain't perfect.  There's a lot of factors, and if we are using our stated beliefs and temple recommend status as an excuse for other behaviors.  Frankly, I'm a little unnerved by the LDS status qualifiers in the OP.  Not to point any fingers but to just speak generally, "I believe in the LDS faith checklist and go to the temple, therefore, I'm a great family member" is not an ideal phrase.

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I'm with omega and garry.  My job as a parent is to emancipate my children from me, i.e. teach them the skills that they need in order to live on their own and have their own life with their own family.  Unless it is a short transitory period (i.e. between HS graduation and college/mission), once you are 18 you are on your own.  

 

IMO, if one of my children is 18, not in that transitory period and living at home, then I have failed as a parent.  I am actually hindering their growth rather than helping it.  I refuse to pay for college or mission for my children, make your own way in life.  I did it before them, their grandparents did it before me and their great-grandparents did it before them.  They will never appreciate a mission or college as much if someone else pays for it.  That isn't to say they won't appreciate it, but that they won't appreciate it as much as if they had paid for it themselves.

 

As for being shunned, my personal philosophy is that my parents provided for me growing up, therefore it is my responsibility to help them as they get older and are unable to do some of the same things.  I hope I teach my kids those same principles so that hopefully when I get older I'll have children that do the same.  I have this philosophy specifically because my parents did a wonderful job of ensuring that when I turned 18 I was as ready as I ever would be to make it on my own.  I have gratitude that they did that because I am much stronger in life and able to handle the vicissitudes of life much better than if they had allowed me to stay under their roof once I was old enough to become emancipated.

 

However, I will say that for the first few years on my own I didn't visit home as much . . . . simply because I was working it out on my own.  As I became more established, I was able to give back more.

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I don't consider my parents failures for not kicking me out at 18.
Sure I've acomplished very little in life and don't see myself doing much with it (I'll be honest-not gonna be any family in my future, maybe cats, and certainly nothing like collage or university) but I look at everything I do have and thank them for giving me all the chances I got.

Edited by Lakumi
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I have no idea how common it is... my parents were not LDS and neither was I until I turned 17 years old. I lived with my parents and they took care of me for the first part of my growing years...and they lived with me and I took care of them in their elderly years until they passed.

 

I have a very dysfunctional family...but, my parents and I were always very close.

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I'm with omega and garry.  My job as a parent is to emancipate my children from me, i.e. teach them the skills that they need in order to live on their own and have their own life with their own family.  Unless it is a short transitory period (i.e. between HS graduation and college/mission), once you are 18 you are on your own.  

 

IMO, if one of my children is 18, not in that transitory period and living at home, then I have failed as a parent.  I am actually hindering their growth rather than helping it.  I refuse to pay for college or mission for my children, make your own way in life.  I did it before them, their grandparents did it before me and their great-grandparents did it before them.  They will never appreciate a mission or college as much if someone else pays for it.  That isn't to say they won't appreciate it, but that they won't appreciate it as much as if they had paid for it themselves.

 

As for being shunned, my personal philosophy is that my parents provided for me growing up, therefore it is my responsibility to help them as they get older and are unable to do some of the same things.  I hope I teach my kids those same principles so that hopefully when I get older I'll have children that do the same.  I have this philosophy specifically because my parents did a wonderful job of ensuring that when I turned 18 I was as ready as I ever would be to make it on my own.  I have gratitude that they did that because I am much stronger in life and able to handle the vicissitudes of life much better than if they had allowed me to stay under their roof once I was old enough to become emancipated.

 

However, I will say that for the first few years on my own I didn't visit home as much . . . . simply because I was working it out on my own.  As I became more established, I was able to give back more.

I agree with yjacket 100% with the small exception of paying for the mission and school. If my sons or daughter want to serve I will encourage them to save but I will foot that bill with a smile on my face. Education is a difficult topic gone are the days were you can work a summer and pay for your college. A mountain of debt is no way to start a life, education costs are outrageous I will not have my kids start life being burdened like that. The rule is 4 years. I will pay for 4 years of school finished or not they are on their own after that. 

 

All this said our job is to prepare our kids for life. If your 26yo man child is living with you he has not progressed, not only in this life but his eternal progression is in jeopardy as well. This will sound judgmental but there are those who say "well my married son/daughter lived with us so they could save money for ______"

 

To this I say it sounds like they couldn't afford to get married in the first place.

 

I will sit patiently and wait to read about every exception........

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omegaseamaster75, there is a huge difference between a 26yo and an 18yo who probably hasn't quite figured out what their plans are yet. I think the stress would be huge for that 18yo when a parent tells them to make up their mind, either pick mission or college or you're out.

 

Editing to add: And there's this nifty thing called "Room and Board". If an adult child lives with you and is working, by all means, charge room and board.

 

M.

Edited by Maureen
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omegaseamaster75, there is a huge difference between a 26yo and an 18yo who probably hasn't quite figured out what their plans are yet. I think the stress would be huge for that 18yo when a parent tells them to make up their mind, either pick mission or college or you're out.

 

M.

With the mission age set at 18 decisions to go or not go on an mission should be made while they are 17. A decision to not go is fine but in college they have undergraduate work, a major does not need to be declared at the age of 18. They have time to work it out while working towards a degree. So basically no excuses.

 

Three simple choices

Go on a mission

Go to college

Move out 

 

Life is full of stress, should we shield them from this or prepare them to make life decisions?

 

Let me preempt by saying that there is always the exception if your son/daughter has physical/mental disabilities the attitude will/should be different.

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