Facing divorce. Give in and give up or push forward?


starwarsmom
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So I need some advice. And I have no idea where to begin. In a nutshell my husband and I are trying to decide if we should divorce. Or HE is deciding. The problem is complicated. Though it has only recently be relayed to me, apparently the entire 4 1/2 years my husband and I have been married he's been struggling with what makes him happy. He wanted to get married, and assures me he still loves me. But two months ago My husband reveled to me he has lost his testimony, has more properly has been faking it and never fully had one. He believes if the LDS church is the closest thing to the truth. But he doesn't believe it as a whole. or agree with its restrictions. He still goes every Sunday and participate fully for the kids and me. Because he believes its good for the kids.

 

Now things since then have gone down hill. A month after that he told me he wasn't sure if he wants to be married anymore. He says it causes him too much stress because its too much work for him. He expresses his frustration with always having to sacrifice his personal time for family time. He feels like he sometimes rather just be alone. Im trying to figure a way we can make this work but he says there's only a 30% chance he stays because he doesn't want to make the effort anymore. He can find just as much happiness in solitude as he can with us. Plus in his eyes he can do what he wants when he wants. See the kids and me when he wants, exercise when he wants, work and friends when he wants. And he wont have the church restrictions I apply so ha can watch what he wants drink what he wants go where he wants exct.

 

I want to make an effort to make this work to make him happier. Because he says he does want me and the kids and our marriage but he wants the solo life too. He just doesn't know which he wants more.

 

I don't know how to deal with this and I'm in a slump, were fighting all the time because I get so emotional and that makes him angry. He says he's not good enough and I should leave him. Built I love him and want to make this work.

 

I just don't know at what point am I supposed to call quits. Can we be one of those stories where "oh she stuck by me and put up with so much and now look were a super happy family" or am I going to stick with it and get more hurt and have us end on worse turns then if we just end it now.

 

I don't know what im supposed to do....

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Glad I am not a marriage counselor.  I definitely see a pattern of "the grass is greener on the other side" thinking with those who initiate divorce.  That's often not the case.  Not to beat a dead horse, but immediately after divorce my ex got pregnant and moved into her parent's basement.  Who knows, maybe she loves her new life, but it doesn't sound fulfilling to me considering she is almost 40 with nowhere to go in life.

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My advice would be to stand back a little bit, give him the space he needs (make plans for you and the kids every now and then to give him his solo time), get some counseling for yourself, and try to be understanding. Don't pressure him to fake a testimony, but do encourage him to be respectful of the church in front of the children.

 

But I would also advise you to give yourself (and your husband) a deadline to change tactics and reconsider things so you aren't stuck "hoping things get better" forever. You are his wife, you are committed to this relationship, and that means you may have to try different things.

 

If he were asking for advice, I'd tell him to sit on the divorce question awhile longer before jumping into it. Is it really what he wants?

Edited by Backroads
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I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

It sounds like it is possible that he is suffering from a little bit of depression or possibly an addiction.  Losing faith, wants to be alone, says he's not good enough etc.

 

Some good advice from Backroads; probably give him some space and to be honest love him.  Love him the best way you can and let him know that you do love him very much.

 

A very sad situation . . . your kids must be very young and for their well-being and happiness they need their father to provide the love that only he as your husband can provide.  As a father, I can truly say the happiest memories are spent with my kids and wife.  Earlier this year I was chasing my son around the house, popping out of closets and scaring him half-to death.  If I died today, I'd want my last thoughts to be of chasing him around the house and him giggling and laughing.

 

Having very young children is very difficult.  My son was a challenge, but a significant portion of it was learning how to be a decent parent.  I'm glad I didn't bail in the really hard moments in life, it makes the good moments even so much sweeter. 

 

It's nice to have those personal moments, but as a parent it's all about sacrifice.  But really it's not a sacrifice b/c by giving up what I think its a sacrifice, I gain so much more in life than I possibly give up.

Edited by yjacket
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My husband went through something similar with his ex wife. They had been married in the temple, had two small children, but his ex wife no longer wanted anything to do with the church, or the responsibility of their two children. She loved her children, but no longer wanted the full-time responsibility of caring for them. They ended up getting divorced. My husband got full custody of the children. My husband feels bad for what his children had to go through, (and still go through, even though they are adults now). But, he's so grateful he is no longer with his ex wife. She was excommunicated, and has never returned to the church. He tried to make their marriage work, but she no longer was invested in the marriage. My husband decided that divorce was the best answer. He did not want a marriage where they were no longer a team and had become more like roommates rather than husband and wife.

 

Give it some time to see if this is just a phase your husband is going through. He may come to his senses. He may not. Do a lot of praying to get the direction from the Lord that He wants for you and your family.

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No way of knowing how this will turn out, of course, but your children need you to set an example of how to be strong in the face of adversity.  It's one of the greatest gifts a parent can ever give a child.  I know it's hard, but it will bear tons and tons of fruit when they are adults.

 

I can't help but wonder if your description of your husband mentions only the surface symptoms and omits some deeper problem that he won't admit to you.

 

I've been single my whole life and I'd give anything for a wife and kids, even if they were imperfect.  I hope your husband finds the strength to deal with the causes of his unhappiness.  And garryw is correct, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.  I have a friend who acted much like your husband.  A year after his divorce, he looked down upon the new ruins of his life and told me glumly, "The grass [on the other side of the fence] is brown." 

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Excellent input already and agree with yacket about depression and/or an addiction possibly being the undercurrent of this.  Which leads me to wonder - is he happy with his job or anything else in his life?  I ask because it may just be that you and the church are the easier targets.  Also, this may be a rough patch but two months is hardly enough time to be wondering if you should 'give in and give up'.

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two months is not enough time to quit in, but he's been thinking about it for 4.5 years.  He admits he's been faking it.  I would put pressure on him to produce actions and answers.  Go to counseling individually, and as a couple.  If he wants to make the marriage work he has to invest, that's just the way it is.  If he is unwilling to invest then you don't really have to decide much, he will have already made that decision.

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It sounds as if the problem is depression, if alone he will just sink further into it. It also sounds like he is a bit like myself, introverted, I compensated by marrying the love of my life and extrovert. Introverts do like their quiet alone time, it how they recharge the batteries. Extroverts, charge theirs by being around others. It is a delicate dance (if you will) but all marriage is...he needs to treat the underlying cause of his depression instead of looking for excuses as to why he is depressed. I have been married for 39 years, four children and seven grandchildren and it is exhausting...and WONDERFUL! He may not know it now, but without it he will lose even more, testimony, love, purpose and direction. God bless you sister, hope all works out.

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What statistics?

 

Statistically, children who grow up in the aftermath of a divorce, are more likely to get divorced themselves, more likely to be convicted of a crime and imprisoned, less likely to start or finish college, and more likely to live under the poverty line.

 

Not saying that any of that stuff would happen to your kids, but if he cares about them, you'd think he'd want to tilt the odds in their favor instead of stacking the deck against them.

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  • 4 months later...

Nuero typicals response is spot on about divorce statistics. There are other statistics which to me are worse about future boyfriends and step dads that end up abusing daughters--which is even scarier.

 

Biggest red flag to me is that he "faked" having a testimony for your entire marriage. Such a lack of empathy is a MAJOR concern. Not disclosing to you his lack of faith was cowardice. He has a major lack of self knowledge. But apprently you bought it hook line & sinker, having kid(s) more than one and being married under 5 years it was full steam ahead.

 

Your marriage may be salvage, but family life will never be the same now your children find out that "Daddy doesn't go to church or believe in HF". Also remarriage to a top tier guy would be less likely because most top tier guys are already married and that fact you have several children doesn't help--but not always.

 

Life is about momentum. His momentum is going out of the church and giving up on standards (WoW perhaps?). It's going to get worse before it ever gets better. If you're young enough and in a position to divorce I would start at least preparing for that reality. I'm truly sorry. You deserve a healthy and happy marriage, and hopefully our husband sees that.

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Remember these posts are just advice. No one can make the decision but you on what to do or not. But I'd say pray about it, talk to your Heavenly Father, maybeyour bishop, so you can get counseling. Your husband sounds selfish to me...I have not been married and I'm old. But to me marriage is a way to love, to grow, to learn to become selfless. It does sound like he has other issues like a low self-esteem, not feeling worthy some times it's because of addiction s of some things sometimes it's not. It is true the saying that goes it always looks greener on the other side, and it usually is not. You need to keep living the gospel with in your home with your children and hopefully ask you r husband to say a prayer including him in fhe etc..

But don't push him, love him...while you are doing this, if you choose too go this route. Consider to get an education you never know when you might need it married or not....Wishing you and your family the best,no matter what way it turns out ((( hugs )))

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Posted · Hidden by estradling75, January 24, 2015 - No reason given
Hidden by estradling75, January 24, 2015 - No reason given

Remember these posts are just advice. No one can make the decision but you on what to do or not. But I'd say pray about it, talk to your Heavenly Father, maybeyour bishop, so you can get counseling. Your husband sounds selfish to me...I have not been married and I'm old. But to me marriage is a way to love, to grow, to learn to become selfless. It does sound like he has other issues like a low self-esteem, not feeling worthy some times it's because of addiction s of some things sometimes it's not. It is true the saying that goes it always looks greener on the other side, and it usually is not. You need to keep living the gospel with in your home with your children and hopefully ask you r husband to say a prayer including him in fhe etc..

But don't push him, love him...while you are doing this, if you choose too go this route. Consider to get an education you never know when you might need it married or not....Wishing you and your family the best,no matter what way it turns out ((( hugs )))

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  • 2 months later...

Whether he wishes to share time with you and/or the children, you can continue to do whatever you can to stay strong.  Prayer, scripture study, service in the Relief Society or in the church in general are ways to distract from the pain of facing losing an investment of love for so long.  Crying would be expected and is actually a great way to cleanse the brain of all those stress hormones building up in there.  I hope you are going along alright this month.  My prayers are with you.

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