Starting A Divorce


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So I've been unhappy in my marriage for a very, very long time.  I've discussed it with my wife at length on many, many occasions and feel that I have done everything I can think of to try to make it better.  As much as I hated it, I came to the realization my marriage was dead and I had to consider a divorce.  

 

After much careful thought and prayer, I feel like I've gotten confirmation that a divorce is what I need to do.  I felt a peace that I haven't felt for a long time.  

 

My question is who do I go to first?  My bishop is somewhat aware of the situation but he doesn't know yet that I want to move forward with a divorce.  My wife knows things are shaky, and I feel like I need to tell her what I've decided right away.  But I'm nervous because I have no idea how she will react.  She may lash out in anger about abandoning our marriage.  She may start sobbing and begging me to stay.  She may be relieved that I feel the same way she does.  I have no idea.  I don't have a lawyer, but I know that one will likely be involved at some point, and I know that serving her papers is NOT the right way to tell her I want a divorce.  

 

What should be my first step?  Should I just tell my wife?  Do I go to the bishop for advice on how to tell her?  

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I'm curious why you are asking this on an LDS forum.  Plenty of websites exists to help people who have decided to divorce; you sound like you've made the decision already . . . .

 

If you know (not feel, but know and that is a very important distinction) that God has given you permission to divorce then there really isn't anything to say.

 

However, the Church will always default to saving marriages and except in cases of abuse and adultery simply being unhappy is not a valid scriptural reason for divorce.  Except for the fact that Bishops & SP cannot be divorced the Church has no penalties for divorce.

 

Food for thought, many studies exists and show that in general individuals who divorce because they are "unhappy" end up being less happy after they divorce than when they were married.  And those who were "unhappy" in their marriage are generally happy 5 years later if they stick together.

 

The grass is almost never greener on the other side, you just trade one set of problems for another set of problems.  In cases of abuse and adultery, the other party in marriage has committed an act so egregious that divorce is justified, but not necessarily mandatory.

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Your first step should be a self-evaluation of where you are spiritually. Do you pray every morning and night individually and with your spouse? Do you read and study your scriptures? Do you attend all of your church meetings? Do you attend the temple as often as you are able? Do pay your tithing? Do you fast and pay offerings?

Ask yourself these questions. Don't answer them here, but ponder your answers. If you are not doing these basics, you cannot expect to weather even the slightest storm that bears down on your marriage. If these basics are not being followed, I would not think that the spirit would be able to guide you in making such a serious decision as getting a divorce.

I feel that the only time divorce should be considered is if there is abuse, addiction, and/or adultery. Even then, it should only be as a last resort, after counseling.

Are you going to counseling?

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Well, if we're going down this route -

 

Have you first sought to understand (ie put yourself in her shoes, learn about what makes her tick and why, read up on the different love languages and personality types, etc)?

 

Have you thought back to why you fell in love in the first place?

 

Have you put more focus on repairing what's wrong than what it is that's wrong?

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A suggestion from someone who has been there, try a separation first.  You and your wife sit down and draw up a separation agreement that details each other's responsibilities!  That should help each of you focus on what would happen if you do separate!  Go Iive with a relative for 6 months and spend that time in much prayer and searching the scripture!  Sometimes, being apart can bring issues into focus and help see what the real problems may be!

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A suggestion from someone who has been there, try a separation first.  You and your wife sit down and draw up a separation agreement that details each other's responsibilities!  That should help each of you focus on what would happen if you do separate!  Go Iive with a relative for 6 months and spend that time in much prayer and searching the scripture!  Sometimes, being apart can bring issues into focus and help see what the real problems may be!

And sometimes separation fuels a person's selfishness. They start to enjoy doing what they want, when that want, without having any responsibility or obligation to spouse or children. They focus on that and the seeming "glamour" of the single life and lose sight of the important things. I have heard more than one expert say that separation is rarely beneficial to a marriage.

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However, the Church will always default to saving marriages and except in cases of abuse and adultery simply being unhappy is not a valid scriptural reason for divorce.  Except for the fact that Bishops & SP cannot be divorced the Church has no penalties for divorce.

 

 

Is this true? A bishop or stake pres cannot have ever been divorced?

 

I find it hard to believe that this is accurate.

 

Off topic I know..

 

OP- see a lawyer, find out what your liabilities will be, then man up and talk to her. I do not think that you need to talk to the bishop about this unless you really want to. I can tell you that his advice will be to try to save the marriage.

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@mrmarklin - I think consulting with an attorney before I talk to my wife may not be such a bad idea after all.  I have read many things about the laws in my area regarding those things, but it is often general advice that may or may not apply to my situation.  

 

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@yjacket - Yes, I know that it's right.  I said "feel" simply because that's how I've learned the Spirit talks to me, by the feelings I get: the burning in the bosom, feeling of peace, telling me in my heart, etc.  That being said, this is a life-altering decision, not only for myself, but for many others as well, so I can't help but be hesitant and reluctant despite the reassurance I have from the Spirit.  

 

I'm familiar with and have read studies like those you've mentioned.  I'm not under some delusion that a divorce will magically make me go from being unhappy to happy.  Like you said, it changes one set of problems for another set.  

 

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@Str8shooter - I'm certainly not perfect in those areas you've mentioned, but I do feel like I'm working to improve those areas where I'm struggling (tithing and thereby temple attendance in my case).  I would love to have been able to go to the temple and ponder these things, but that's not an option right now because I can't hold a recommend due to the tithing problem.  But I have thought about, prayed about and fasted many, many, many times about this over the course of several years.  I think the only time the Spirit isn't able to guide us is when we have been involved in serious sins (ie. adultery, pornography) and have separated ourselves so far from God that the Spirit is too far from us, which isn't my case at all.  But even when people are lost in serious sin, it's the Spirit (along with guidance from their Bishop/Stake Pres) that leads them back to the right path.

 

We have done counseling, but nothing ever changes and in general, she has been opposed to it from the beginning.  

 

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@notquiteperfect - I feel like I've REALLY tried to put myself in my wife's shoes to try to understand her perspective and actions.  I've read several books about marriage and strengthening marriage, often to the scoff and amusement of my wife.  But in the end, I can only change myself.  I can try to be the best husband/father I can be, but if that's not reciprocated, then what?  

 

I do think back to when we first fell in love.  I think about it all the time.  I was very young and naive and thought that all I needed to do was find a nice little Mormon girl, marry her in the temple and have our celestial family.  What I've since come to understand is what it means to have an "eternal companion" and everything that entails.  

 

Not sure I understand your third question.  

 

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@Leah - Thank you for commenting, but I didn't find your comments very constructive or helpful, but rather combative and judgemental.   

 

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@drham3rd - I never considered doing a separation.  It's some food for thought, but if I know that a divorce is right, why go through the trouble of doing a separation and delaying the inevitable?  One benefit it could have is giving us an opportunity to see how a divorce would work logistically.  Where are each of us going to live?  How are we going to divide up the financial responsibilities?  How are we going to split up custody of the kids?  I've got an idea in my head of how some of that might work out.  But aren't these the types of things that are hammered out and agreed upon during the divorce process?  

 

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@neurotypical - As I mentioned, yes, we have kids.  I recognize that for a lot of people that totally changes things.  It kills me inside that I can't currently give my children the model marriage relationship I wish I could.  I have read many things about divorce and it's effects on children.  I can only hope and pray that the Lord can guide me in helping my children through it all.

 

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@omegaseamaster - You're right, it's time to man up.  

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@neurotypical - As I mentioned, yes, we have kids.  I recognize that for a lot of people that totally changes things.  It kills me inside that I can't currently give my children the model marriage relationship I wish I could.  I have read many things about divorce and it's effects on children.  I can only hope and pray that the Lord can guide me in helping my children through it all.

 

 

IMO, if you have kids, then your actions to preserve or end a marriage should be driven by what's best for them, not what's best for you. 

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@notquiteperfect - I feel like I've REALLY tried to put myself in my wife's shoes to try to understand her perspective and actions.  I've read several books about marriage and strengthening marriage, often to the scoff and amusement of my wife.  But in the end, I can only change myself.  I can try to be the best husband/father I can be, but if that's not reciprocated, then what?  

 

Then what?  It's not about what you get, it's about what you give.  Also, not all books are created equal.

 

I do think back to when we first fell in love.  I think about it all the time.  I was very young and naive and thought that all I needed to do was find a nice little Mormon girl, marry her in the temple and have our celestial family.  What I've since come to understand is what it means to have an "eternal companion" and everything that entails.  

 

Not sure I understand your third question.  

 

If all you focus on is the problems, you just end up with more problems but if you focus on love and gratitude (no matter how 'small'), guess what happens?

Edited by notquiteperfect
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