How not to keep a marriage together: From ldsliving.

[FunkyTown]

So LDSLiving sent me a link that was interesting. It was a story on a wife who realized she no longer loved her husband and how she dealt with it, by choosing to love every day.

 

It's heartwarming and inspiring and shows that marriage is not just fuzzy feelings, but love and work.

 

http://ldsliving.com/story/76856-what-i-learned-from-realizing-i-didnt-love-my-husband?utm_source=ldsliving&utm_medium=email

 

So I decided to look up her other articles and found her on familyshare at:

 

http://familyshare.com/authors/kilee-luthi

 

This included such gems as: 

 

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7 tips for the groom to be - Be empathetic. Listen, don't fix. Women are sometimes hormonal and mean - Learn to recognize this and don't be judgmental and get angry at her for being hormonal and mean. Be honest. Be respectful to her family, even if you don't like them.

 

10 Not-so-good tips for husbands - Don't always talk sports. Don't always bitterly complain about your job. Don't watch porn.

 

Using Grace to forgive and heal family hurts.

 

Recovering a marriage from pornography wreckage.

 

 

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Everything that talked about marriage basically said, "Hey! Husbands! Don't be so self-involved. Take our feelings in to account. Don't be jerks who hate our whole family and talk about how crappy things are for you, then talk about sports all the time. ARRRGH!"

 

 

So... It was pretty specific information. What I learned about this is that her husband has a pornography addiction, hates his job and moans about it all the time, never listens to his wife and hates her family and never acknowledges her feelings. He loves sports and probably drives her crazy with his sports talk when one of his friends comes over.

 

What I learned about her was that she is a saint who rises above her unlovable husband and loves him despite him not deserving it, because that's what the saviour would do for us.

 

As a tip to her: We all make mistakes. Her husband, with pornography, made a very big and hurtful one. However, when you can only make public the grievances you have with your husband, you're suggesting that you are incredibly not self aware. Your articles make you seem like a shining beacon of holy light in the midst of incredible darkness.

 

That may well be true. But writing about it in this way really, really is not a way to make your marriage healthy.

 

To other spouses out there: How would you feel if you were the spouse of this person and every little thing that bothers the other person were talked about in detail like this?

Edited September 17, 2014 by FunkyTown

[omegaseamaster75]

It is a 2 ways street, I haven't read the articles, but am not likely to based on your review

[Guest]

I think airing your grievances regarding your spouse in a public way like that is a violation and I think it undermines a healthy relationship. In fact, I think you should always be very careful about how you talk about your spouse to anyone. Their opinion of your spouse will continue to be negatively affected after you've forgiven your spouse for whatever it was. Not only that, but I think the way we speak about our spouses feeds the way we feel about them. If I build him up, I feel positively about him (and bonus points if he catches wind of me building him up. Who doesn't want to know that someone is saying good things about them?). If I gripe about every little thing that bugs me, those bad feelings grow. 

 

I have one friend- ONE- with whom I have an agreement. We have an understanding that if we really need to get something off our chests about our husbands, we do that with each other, then let it go. This is with the understanding that we love and respet our husbands, who are human and make mistakes, but sometimes we just need to vent. 

[Wingnut]

I have one friend- ONE- with whom I have an agreement. We have an understanding that if we really need to get something off our chests about our husbands, we do that with each other, then let it go. This is with the understanding that we love and respet our husbands, who are human and make mistakes, but sometimes we just need to vent. 

 

Are your husbands part of this agreement?  In other words, are they okay with the dirty laundry sharing with this particular friend?  I'm asking genuinely, because I think that's important, too.  I don't think it's realistic to keep all the problems internal...people need to vent sometimes, and need to get things off their chests.  I think it's healthy to do so, appropriately and constructively.  It can also help getting perspective.

[applepansy]

I think airing your grievances regarding your spouse in a public way like that is a violation and I think it undermines a healthy relationship. In fact, I think you should always be very careful about how you talk about your spouse to anyone. Their opinion of your spouse will continue to be negatively affected after you've forgiven your spouse for whatever it was. Not only that, but I think the way we speak about our spouses feeds the way we feel about them. If I build him up, I feel positively about him (and bonus points if he catches wind of me building him up. Who doesn't want to know that someone is saying good things about them?). If I gripe about every little thing that bugs me, those bad feelings grow. 

 

I have one friend- ONE- with whom I have an agreement. We have an understanding that if we really need to get something off our chests about our husbands, we do that with each other, then let it go. This is with the understanding that we love and respet our husbands, who are human and make mistakes, but sometimes we just need to vent. 

Its great you have a friend you can do that with.

[Guest]

Are your husbands part of this agreement?  In other words, are they okay with the dirty laundry sharing with this particular friend?  I'm asking genuinely, because I think that's important, too.  I don't think it's realistic to keep all the problems internal...people need to vent sometimes, and need to get things off their chests.  I think it's healthy to do so, appropriately and constructively.  It can also help getting perspective.

 

 

That's a great question, and yes,  I know that at least my husband is aware. I'm not tearing down his character or anything like that. I'm still careful about how I'm putting my husband across to my bestie. I want them to be comfortable together and have good feelings toward each other. But when we have a little tiff I need to bounce off of someone or something like that, something that wouldn't be solved by going to him instead (because I don't believe in nagging or nit-picking), I go to her to get it off my chest and then move past it. It's mostly just small annoyances that I can and should let go of, and it's not frequent in any way. In this case it's actually really helpful, because she and he think a lot alike and often she ends up defending him and telling me how a brain like that works. lol

 

But yes, he's aware, and appreciates that I'm not at parties participating in husband-bashing. I think he also knows I wouldn't discuss anything that should be kept between the two of us and I still do it in a respectful way overall.

[Just_A_Guy]

FWIW - I'm particularly sensitive to the idea of females who hang around kvetching about their husbands.  But I also realize that through some of my own decisions and weaknesses, I've sent Just_A_Girl to Gethsemane and back.  She needs to have a safe place to talk about what she's going through. 

 

Our arrangement is very much like Eowyn's--Just_A_Girl has one or two close friends with whom, I realize, all of my weaknesses might potentially come up for (respectful) discussion in my absence.  It certainly takes some getting used to; but at this point I've more or less made peace with it.

Edited September 17, 2014 by Just_A_Guy

[Wingnut]

Somewhat related, I never tell a girlfriend anything that I'm not comfortable with her passing on to her husband.  I may not have as close a relationship with him as I do with her, but I will never ask her to keep anything from her husband.  I have a friend who has asked that of me once or twice, and I was really uncomfortable with it.  I trust that my friends aren't going to go blabbing the details of our conversations to their husbands, but when I decide to share something, I decide that I'm okay sharing it with both my friend and her husband.

[rayhale]

I have to ask the author of the article, "did you, at any time, tell your husband, that you had lost your romantic feelings for him? Also on your trail of self reflection and learning to love what you can, did you involve your husband, your article kept saying I, I, I, not we, we, we. It is unfair for your husband if you never informed him of the fact that you lost your love for him, and never gave him the chance to bring back those romantic feelings of yours."