convert and stuck between civil/ Temple marriages


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I love the gospel and my saviour so much however it would break my heart to leave my family out on my wedding day since I am the only member in my entire family. I'd just like to hear if anyone else has experienced this or advice people may have
thank you all

Edited by jennabeach13
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Honestly, I would probably elope to a favorite temple, then come home and have a civil wedding and/or a reception that inclues everyone. No one even has to know if you don't want them to. 

 

  1. I learned when we got married that it was going to be absolutely impossible to please everyone and
  2. The only ones that day that really mattered were my husband and I.

 

By getting married outside of both of your families, you get to make the covenants you want to, and no one gets left out (because everyone gets left out). If you permanently lose family members over it, were they worth having? I can't imagine disowning a loved one for running off and getting married anywhere. Maybe anger or hurt for awhile, but I would think that love would eventually overcome that as they wish to be in your lives.

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Honestly, I would probably elope to a favorite temple, then come home and have a civil wedding and/or a reception that inclues everyone. No one even has to know if you don't want them to. 

 

  • I learned when we got married that it was going to be absolutely impossible to please everyone and
  • The only ones that day that really mattered were my husband and I.
 

By getting married outside of both of your families, you get to make the covenants you want to, and no one gets left out (because everyone gets left out). If you permanently lose family members over it, were they worth having? I can't imagine disowning a loved one for running off and getting married anywhere. Maybe anger or hurt for awhile, but I would think that love would eventually overcome that as they wish to be in your lives.

How can you have a civil wedding AFTER being sealed in the temple? In order to be sealed in the temple, you either have it have a valid marriage license in order to be legally married at the same time, or you have to have been previously legally married, with all the attendant requirements regarding waiting periods, etc.

I have to admit I don't have any advice to give in these situations, as I really don't understand the mentality of a wedding being about making potential guests happy and giving them the party they want, rather than focusing on the sacred ordinance that it is.

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If I were friends with an LDS couple about to be married, and the wedding were to occur outside the temple, and either the groom's family or the bride's family were mostly non-LDS, then I would assume that the civil ceremony was being done as an act of compassion and generosity so everyone on both sides of the family could be together and united.  I think it would be very nice.  The unworthiness question wouldn't even cross my mind.  And having a civil ceremony open to all might go a long way toward relaxing some of the tension your family is feeling about your marrying a non-Catholic.

 

If all else fails, I have heard that some countries prohibit non-public weddings, so LDS couples in those countries must be married civilly before they go to the temple.  You could fly your entire wedding party and guests to one of these interesting countries.  :P

 

But I do think your family has a point about going too fast.  When young couples fall in love, they sometimes fall into the delusion that their lives will be ruined if they don't get married as soon as possible.  I was in an engagement that went too fast and the train came off the rails at the end and hurt a lot of people.  (Fortunately, we called off the engagement.)  Different couples go at different speeds, so I can't say what's right in your case.  I'm just advising you to think carefully before you make a big step and to listen to loved ones around you who might be wise in ways you don't yet see.

 

By the way, your boyfriend's mother sounds like a spectacularly wonderful person.  We should all have mothers-in-law like her.

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My big problem- choosing to have a civil wedding, all of our member friends and family would instantly assume we have been unworthy. Which is so not the case for us. I would be embarrassed even to have other people think that about us, like I'd want to make a public service announcement to let others know we are Temple worthy. 

We know and will strive like every other member to be sealed in the Temple for time and all eternity, but I just want to hear some genuine responses to this painful issue we have to decide over soon

Thank you all 

 

Do not let would-be gossips dictate how you're going to get married!  If any LDS folks can't understand why you want to have a civil ceremony to include all your family, then they need something thrown at them (frankly, what business of their's is it anyways?).  

 

I really like Eowyn's idea of getting sealed just the two of you.  Then you can come out of the temple, put on the big white dress, meet ALL your collective family, and have a giant celebration of the happy occasion.  

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First, welcome to the Church (and forum)!  Glad to have you join us!

 

Just as a caution - making great money and knowing how to manage it are two very different things.  There are millionaires who've gone bankrupt.

Age is irrelevant for a lot of things - it's about maturity level.  The fact that you're already in your second year of college is a good indicator (as long as you're getting good grades).

 

Now regarding the ceremony (civil vs temple) - although I haven't been in your shoes, I feel for you and can imagine how difficult this may seem.  

Some questions:

-Have you considered that this may be a test of your faith?  

-To start your marriage off on the best possible footing, what do you consider that to be?

-Have you considered that this may be a chance for your family to learn and grow and prove their unconditional love?

 

Some reading:

-https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2002/04/follow-me?lang=eng

-https://www.lds.org/church/news/elder-david-s-baxter-urges-ldsbc-students-to-follow-jesus?lang=eng&query=leave+all+to+follow

-Luke 18:28 Then Peter said, Lo, we have left all, and followed thee.

 

You stated that you "want to be married in the temple" so...the way I see it - since it's your wedding, it's your choice and the decision is already made.

 

You can have a ring ceremony and big reception for everyone so it's not like they'd be totally left out.  You can even talk to your bishop about possibly pledging your love to each other so it feels more like what your family is thinking they're missing out on.

 

This will not be the last time your family disagrees with choices you make so where/when will you draw the line?

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I have an unbearably large immediate family and extended family and I could not imagine the shunning and exclusion for life that I/we would face if we chose to be married in the temple. I already face a huge amount of this and I don't think leaving them all out of my wedding would make it any better.

Maybe this didn't come out quite the way you meant it to, but I can only answer the question as it is phrased--

It's one thing to want to avoid hurting feelings; but the above makes your family sound like they have crossed from "hurt" into outright "manipulative". You and your fiancé need to learn to follow the course you two have laid out with the Lord; regardless of what the uber-Catholics or uber-Mormons in your life might think of your choices.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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My brother-in-law and his wife were married secretly at city hall  4 months before their public wedding. The only difference is when the marriage certificate is signed.

Not really.

If they were married at city hall, that's when they were legally married. You don't get actually married again four months later. You can get sealed after a legal/civil wedding, or have some other kind of religious ceremony. You can ostensibly have a "wedding" after your city hall marriage, but the fact remains the actual legal marriage took place in city hall (why else do it then?) Just because there weren't bridesmaids and a big party doesn't mean it wasn't a wedding. And just because there are bridesmaids and a wedding dress involved, doesn't necessarily mean that a legal wedding took place.

People make all sorts of mental gymnastics when it comes to the things they want. I once attended a "wedding" only to find out later that the "groom" was not yet divorced from his first wife. But they had a lavish "wedding" and then quite some time later, when his divorce finally came through, got legally married.

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Do not let would-be gossips dictate how you're going to get married!  If any LDS folks can't understand why you want to have a civil ceremony to include all your family, then they need something thrown at them (frankly, what business of their's is it anyways?).  

 

I really like Eowyn's idea of getting sealed just the two of you.  Then you can come out of the temple, put on the big white dress, meet ALL your collective family, and have a giant celebration of the happy occasion.

I am not sure I understand your "solution".

Her family is being manipulative to get their way, so the solution is to give them the kind of wedding they want, but exclude his family for being part of the sealing?

So we are to respect non-LDS customs/wishes/desires, but no one should respect anything LDS related.

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Being aware of how other may react is wise.

Trying to please everyone is foolish and bound to fail.

 

There are three people that need to be happy with what you do... The Lord, You, and your Spouse to be.

 

Once you figure that out you will know the right thing to do.  Then do the right thing... knowing that whatever else happens because of that is trivial compared to getting it right

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My point is that the sealing isn't about making anyone happy. It's about making covenants with each other and Heavenly Father. That can be done without anyone there but the bride and groom (and necessary sealer and witnesses). The celebration can be all-inclusive. Where and when the marriage became legal shouldn't affect the fact that it's something to be celebrated with family. Family issues shouldn't affect the fact that the covenant is paramount. 

 

If one of my children were in the OP's position and decided to do what I recommend here, I would definitely be a little disappointed that I didn't get to be there. But I would hopefully recognize that the intent was to keep peace and hurt the fewest feelings while still getting married in the place they wanted to. Mostly, I hope I would be joyful that they were putting their goals and covenants first and foremost. 

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My big problem- choosing to have a civil wedding, all of our member friends and family would instantly assume we have been unworthy. Which is so not the case for us. I would be embarrassed even to have other people think that about us

 

 

Not to be overtly negative (oh well) , but that statement is immature.  At some point in your life you will stop worrying about what other people think of you.  That day will come hopefully sooner rather than later.  

 

This scripture is about prayer buy I think you can swap out prayer for marriage:

 

And when thou marry, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to marry standing in the socially accepted place and get photos posted on Facebook, that they may be seen relief society members. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 

But thou, when thou marry, enter into My house, and when thou hast shut thy door, covenant with thy Father who is present at the altar; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

 

There is also a good one about seek ye first the kingdom of heaven.

Edited by garryw
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Congratulations on being a member and finding someone you believe you should marry.  I'll add a few words of caution. . . 

He is 21 and I am almost 19. Spiritually, emotionally and financially we are ready for marriage. 

 

1) One is never really ready for marriage; one can think one is ready, but until you've done it and passed through what it really means to be married you only think you are ready.  And that is Okay and it shouldn't stop you from getting married; but it is important to recognize that Marriage isn't a "and they all lived happily ever after" fairy tale story.  Marriage requires a lot of self-sacrifice, hard work, dedication and a certain amount of grit.  It is well worth it and one can recognize it prior to marriage, but there is nothing like going through it personally.

 

2) Do not elope.  IMO it can be one of the worst, most selfish decisions ever.  It is one thing if you told your parents we are getting married in the temple and we'd like you to be at the reception, etc. they don't approve and you do it regardless.  But if you elope (i.e. go get married secretly) expect the backlash to last decades.  Do not be young and foolish in this regard.  I have two daughters and one of a father's most cherished desires is to see his daughters get married to someone worthy of her and worthy to be his son, to be able to formally with the marriage ceremony join him into my family.  Eloping is taking all those hopes, dreams and potentially cherished moments and trashing them.

 

While the most important family is your spouse, the older one gets the more important extended family becomes you do not want to ruin the potential for a wonderful relationship with your in-laws or your parents.  

 

Being married in the temple is extremely important, one never knows what might occur in life . . . .and Satan does his best to prevent us from doing those things that God would have us do.  Personally, I would vote for going ahead to do a temple wedding and have everyone involved in the ring ceremony (no rings are exchanged inside the temple); but I'm not you, I don't know your family and I don't know all the particulars involved.

 

I do know someone who does though :-).  Heavenly Father knows, and He will help guide you to the appropriate decision and as long as you and your spouse are in line with Heavenly Father's Will then it will all work out just fine.

 

As a sidenote, this is one of those policy things the Church has that I really wish they would change.  In many other countries, a temple ceremony is not legally binding, so the policy is for individuals to get civilly married and to then go to the temple-there is no year waiting period.  I really wish the Church would eliminate the year waiting period for individuals in the US/UK who are worthy to enter the temple prior to a civil ceremony, i.e. as long as they have temple recommend interviews prior to a civil ceremony and both are worthy as soon as the civil ceremony is over they can go to the temple.  Other then a trial of faith, I just don't see the point . . . but that is me. 

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I believe that was ultimately matters is the sealing, whether you get legally married at the same time or are sealed later.

 

Don't let yourself be manipulated, but do what makes you as a couple happiest--as long as you are intent on making it to the temple now or later. Do you want the sealing now? Do you highly value having all the family at the actual ceremony? Consider what you want.

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As a sidenote, this is one of those policy things the Church has that I really wish they would change.  In many other countries, a temple ceremony is not legally binding, so the policy is for individuals to get civilly married and to then go to the temple-there is no year waiting period.  I really wish the Church would eliminate the year waiting period for individuals in the US/UK who are worthy to enter the temple prior to a civil ceremony, i.e. as long as they have temple recommend interviews prior to a civil ceremony and both are worthy as soon as the civil ceremony is over they can go to the temple.  Other then a trial of faith, I just don't see the point . . . but that is me. 

 

(At what point does a sidenote become a threadjack?  :satan:

 

IMHO, the Church's concern with making sure that its members are married civilly at all, is going to be fundamentally re-thought within the next couple of decades.

 

The world is too much with us, particularly where our wedding traditions are concerned . . .

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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My wife and I got married in May 2013 so that my 80 yr old mother could be present!  We then got sealed this August in the temple.  But we both have been married before so our situation is different.  I would say that follow your heart and what your prayers to God are telling you.  I agree with those who say that the three people most important to satisfy are you, your spouse-to-be, and God.  What everyone else thinks or says in very secondary!

 

Good luck to you both. 

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  • 2 months later...

I'm all for flexibility.  The sealing is what matters.  I can't see anything doctrinally that says anything about timing.  If it's at the start, the end, or stuffed in the middle somewhere, it's all good.  We have flexibility for converts and people in other countries.  Why not give flexibility everywhere?  We add on the ring ceremony, don't we?  and we even allow it inside the sealing room.  It's not part of the sealing.  And we do that, why?  Because it's important to people.  Why not open the door to more flexibility?  

 

Go have another party/ceremony/ritual that will include and protect your family from unnecessary hurts.  And then don't worry about it.  We humans worry about stuff way too much.

Edited by Misshalfway
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My cousin and his wife were married in the temple. At their reception they held another ceremony (more a ring ceremony) because there were many of her family that weren't members and they wanted all to share somehow in the wedding part of the celebration.  Their Bishop conducted the ceremony.

 

The bride did the whole walk in escorted by her father and everything.  

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