Asking Boyfriend to Wait for Me?


ashtonbailey1
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I don't think I'd ask him to wait.  You don't want any kind of "what might have been" type stuff floating around in your marriage, as in, "who might I have met had I dated while she was away."  

 

Before I went on my mission I dated a girl pretty seriously.  I believed then (and still do now) that if I'd married her then we would have made a fine couple.  Probably would have been very happy.  But, when I was out preaching the gospel, she was doing, well... other stuff.  When I came home I didn't even call her.  We'd grown apart.  If I married her instead of going, we would have grown together and been happy (albeit, I don't think we would have been super-strict Gospel followers);  instead, I went on a mission, came home, and married someone different who was in a similar place to me.

 

It's that old saying, "If you love something, let it go.  If it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't, it was never meant to be."  Have him write.  Write him back.  Tell him to send you candy.  Then come home and try dating again.  If he's grown as you have, he's yours.  If not, it was never meant to be.

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Thank you everyone for your advice. As it is obvious, no one knows what kind of person my boyfriend is, or what is holding him back. He is a righteous priesthood holder and has a strong testimony. He still goes to mission prep for some reason.

From what we have talked about, the reason he doesn't want to go is because he doesn't have the desire. He says it's because he is worried he wouldn't be a good missionary, and that people might not like him. Which is true. Some people won't like him, some days he won't be a good missionary, but I think those are doubts that every missionary has. Including myself. And they shouldn't keep him from serving. He used to have the desire, but I think there are some things he could improve on to get that desire back. I have prayed and fasted about it continuously, and I have the impression that I shouldn't give up on trying to get him out there. He knows he needs to. I know that Heavenly Father brought us together for a reason, but to be together in righteousness.

My qualities for a future husband do not include the requirement of being a returned missionary. I understand that there are circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to rule out those who have been affected by those issues (as long as they continue to live righteously). There is the possibility that they came home early, that they were not able to physically or mentally, or maybe they're even a convert. But not having the desire is not an exception for me. If he stays just because he doesn't want to go, I have no idea if he'll be able to progress spiritually. He is worthy, he is able minded, and able bodied. So I am not giving up. I know that he can change.

I do understand that it is his decision, and only he can make it. No one is forcing him to. His parents are trying their best to motivate him without pushing him the wrong way. He is very unsure of what he wants in the future, so higher education is not something that is holding him back. I know that going on a mission would help him feel more secure about the future. We also have a friend who recently came home from his mission for a little bit due to a surgery, and he believes that he is here for a reason, and that is to get my boyfriend on a mission.

If anyone has any advice on how to continue encouraging him, that would be much appreciated. I don't ever see many people in this situation.

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Posted · Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups
Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups

Thank you everyone for your advice. As it is obvious, no one knows what kind of person my boyfriend is, or what is holding him back. He is a righteous priesthood holder and has a strong testimony. He still goes to mission prep for some reason.

From what we have talked about, the reason he doesn't want to go is because he doesn't have the desire. He says it's because he is worried he wouldn't be a good missionary, and that people might not like him. Which is true. Some people won't like him, some days he won't be a good missionary, but I think those are doubts that every missionary has. Including myself. And they shouldn't keep him from serving. He used to have the desire, but I think there are some things he could improve on to get that desire back. I have prayed and fasted about it continuously, and I have the impression that I shouldn't give up on trying to get him out there. He knows he needs to. I know that Heavenly Father brought us together for a reason, but to be together in righteousness.

My qualities for a future husband do not include the requirement of being a returned missionary. I understand that there are circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to rule out those who have been affected by those issues (as long as they continue to live righteously). There is the possibility that they came home early, that they were not able to physically or mentally, or maybe they're even a convert. But not having the desire is not an exception for me. If he stays just because he doesn't want to go, I have no idea if he'll be able to progress spiritually. He is worthy, he is able minded, and able bodied. So I am not giving up. I know that he can change.

I do understand that it is his decision, and only he can make it. No one is forcing him to. His parents are trying their best to motivate him without pushing him the wrong way. He is very unsure of what he wants in the future, so higher education is not something that is holding him back. I know that going on a mission would help him feel more secure about the future. We also have a friend who recently came home from his mission for a little bit due to a surgery, and he believes that he is here for a reason, and that is to get my boyfriend on a mission.

If anyone has any advice on how to continue encouraging him, that would be much appreciated. I don't ever see many people in this situation.

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Posted · Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups
Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups

Thank you everyone for your advice. As it is obvious, no one knows what kind of person my boyfriend is, or what is holding him back. He is a righteous priesthood holder and has a strong testimony. He still goes to mission prep for some reason.

From what we have talked about, the reason he doesn't want to go is because he doesn't have the desire. He says it's because he is worried he wouldn't be a good missionary, and that people might not like him. Which is true. Some people won't like him, some days he won't be a good missionary, but I think those are doubts that every missionary has. Including myself. And they shouldn't keep him from serving. He used to have the desire, but I think there are some things he could improve on to get that desire back. I have prayed and fasted about it continuously, and I have the impression that I shouldn't give up on trying to get him out there. He knows he needs to. I know that Heavenly Father brought us together for a reason, but to be together in righteousness.

My qualities for a future husband do not include the requirement of being a returned missionary. I understand that there are circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to rule out those who have been affected by those issues (as long as they continue to live righteously). There is the possibility that they came home early, that they were not able to physically or mentally, or maybe they're even a convert. But not having the desire is not an exception for me. If he stays just because he doesn't want to go, I have no idea if he'll be able to progress spiritually. He is worthy, he is able minded, and able bodied. So I am not giving up. I know that he can change.

I do understand that it is his decision, and only he can make it. No one is forcing him to. His parents are trying their best to motivate him without pushing him the wrong way. He is very unsure of what he wants in the future, so higher education is not something that is holding him back. I know that going on a mission would help him feel more secure about the future. We also have a friend who recently came home from his mission for a little bit due to a surgery, and he believes that he is here for a reason, and that is to get my boyfriend on a mission.

If anyone has any advice on how to continue encouraging him, that would be much appreciated. I don't ever see many people in this situation.

Link to comment
Posted · Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups
Hidden by estradling75, October 23, 2014 - dups

Thank you everyone for your advice. As it is obvious, no one knows what kind of person my boyfriend is, or what is holding him back. He is a righteous priesthood holder and has a strong testimony. He still goes to mission prep for some reason.

From what we have talked about, the reason he doesn't want to go is because he doesn't have the desire. He says it's because he is worried he wouldn't be a good missionary, and that people might not like him. Which is true. Some people won't like him, some days he won't be a good missionary, but I think those are doubts that every missionary has. Including myself. And they shouldn't keep him from serving. He used to have the desire, but I think there are some things he could improve on to get that desire back. I have prayed and fasted about it continuously, and I have the impression that I shouldn't give up on trying to get him out there. He knows he needs to. I know that Heavenly Father brought us together for a reason, but to be together in righteousness.

My qualities for a future husband do not include the requirement of being a returned missionary. I understand that there are circumstances, and I don't think it's fair to rule out those who have been affected by those issues (as long as they continue to live righteously). There is the possibility that they came home early, that they were not able to physically or mentally, or maybe they're even a convert. But not having the desire is not an exception for me. If he stays just because he doesn't want to go, I have no idea if he'll be able to progress spiritually. He is worthy, he is able minded, and able bodied. So I am not giving up. I know that he can change.

I do understand that it is his decision, and only he can make it. No one is forcing him to. His parents are trying their best to motivate him without pushing him the wrong way. He is very unsure of what he wants in the future, so higher education is not something that is holding him back. I know that going on a mission would help him feel more secure about the future. We also have a friend who recently came home from his mission for a little bit due to a surgery, and he believes that he is here for a reason, and that is to get my boyfriend on a mission.

If anyone has any advice on how to continue encouraging him, that would be much appreciated. I don't ever see many people in this situation.

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Sorry, I got a little impatient with the internet and it submitted my post multiple times.

 

 

Got them for you...

 

 

It is your choice on what qualities you think are important enough want in a boyfriend (hair color, height, weight, race, etc.)  Serving a mission is/can be one of them.

 

You seem to want it(aka want to encourage him)... but not really.  Maybe you should figure out for yourself just how important it is for you that your boyfriend has the desire to serve.  You can't really change him but you can most assuredly change yourself.   If it is not important to you then drop it and stop it.  If it is not important to you then quit wasting your time about it.

 

But if it is important to you then maybe you should get serious about finding what you want. 

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You seem to want it(aka want to encourage him)... but not really.  Maybe you should figure out for yourself just how important it is for you that your boyfriend has the desire to serve. 

I do want him to go, otherwise I wouldn't be worrying about it. But I don't want him to go for me, which is why I feel like I can only do so much. It's important to me that he goes so that it would be a better influence on him and our future relationship. I know that he would be an amazing missionary. My original post was made out of the impulsive desire that I wanted him regardless of his decision, but since then I have come to realize that out of him specifically, I want him to serve a mission. But then I think to myself now that if I came back and he still hadn't gone, that I would possibly still want him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that I will change while I am gone, and it scares me that I won't want him anymore.  

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I do want him to go, otherwise I wouldn't be worrying about it. But I don't want him to go for me, which is why I feel like I can only do so much. It's important to me that he goes so that it would be a better influence on him and our future relationship. I know that he would be an amazing missionary. My original post was made out of the impulsive desire that I wanted him regardless of his decision, but since then I have come to realize that out of him specifically, I want him to serve a mission. But then I think to myself now that if I came back and he still hadn't gone, that I would possibly still want him. I don't know what's wrong with me. I know that I will change while I am gone, and it scares me that I won't want him anymore.  

 

 

Let him go....  You are worrying about things you have no control over.  You have chosen to serve.  So make the choice to focus all of your thoughts and efforts on serving.  Let tomorrow take care of itself when it comes

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It may hurt now but letting go might be a good idea for both of you. I'm a convert so my situation was different, but I ended a three year relationship in my twenties because I knew it was the best for both of us. It hurt massively at the time (and still sort of does) but it really was for the best. We're both happier people in the long run without each other. 

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My proverbial two cents is this: a lot of life can happen between the time you go and the time you come back. Not sure y'all ages but the brain doesn't really settle down until about time you are 25 or so (results may vary). As I have said in my introduction, I do not believe in romantic love. I believe there is a flux of neural chemicals that take place in the  brain that some call love.

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It's not specifically about whether or not he serves a mission. It's about how he views his priesthood responsibilities, and what that says about how he'll handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father later in life.

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It's not specifically about whether or not he serves a mission. It's about how he views his priesthood responsibilities, and what that says about how he'll handle the responsibilities of being a husband and father later in life.

I couldn't agree more. I find it refreshing that he is self aware enough to know where the desires of his heart lay. He may grow to desire to serve he may not, it has no bearing on his worthiness as a priesthood holder

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I would say that the desires of one's heart have a very great bearing on one's worthiness as a priesthood holder.  The whole point of having priesthood is to minister; and this kid is saying he doesn't want to minister. 

 

That's certainly his prerogative, and I agree that self-awareness is a good thing; but IMHO--having decided that one doesn't want priesthood responsibility--it does seem rather incongruous to persist in demanding priesthood authority and priesthood blessings (including, but not limited to, temple marriage).

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I would say that the desires of one's heart have a very great bearing on one's worthiness as a priesthood holder.  The whole point of having priesthood is to minister; and this kid is saying he doesn't want to minister. 

 

That's certainly his prerogative, and I agree that self-awareness is a good thing; but IMHO--having decided that one doesn't want priesthood responsibility--it does seem rather incongruous to persist in demanding priesthood authority and priesthood blessings (including, but not limited to, temple marriage).

 

There are no priesthood blessings or authority without responsibility. "Incongruous" is not a strong enough way to put it, sez me.

 

I'll restate exactly what you said. (with emphasis added) The whole point of having priesthood is to minister.

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So the only way to minister is by serving a mission?

 

Of course not. But it is certainly, as we've discussed many times, a duty, and not wanting to fulfill it is a clear indication of a lack of interest in serving according to the Lord's will. Part of the priesthood duty is to be willing to go and do what the Lord would have us do, no matter what that may be, despite out personal feelings. As priesthood holders we represent the Lord by oath and covenant. To take upon that oath means a commitment to do as the Lord wants us to. To have a specific and clear desire to do otherwise would be distinctly and blatantly contrary to that oath. So why take the oath if one is unwilling to live by it?

 

Why are you so anti-mission anyhow? I've never put my finger on that. Are you just defensive because you chose not to serve one or something?

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Of course not. But it is certainly, as we've discussed many times, a duty, and not wanting to fulfill it is a clear indication of a lack of interest in serving according to the Lord's will. Part of the priesthood duty is to be willing to go and do what the Lord would have us do, no matter what that may be, despite out personal feelings. As priesthood holders we represent the Lord by oath and covenant. To take upon that oath means a commitment to do as the Lord wants us to. To have a specific and clear desire to do otherwise would be distinctly and blatantly contrary to that oath. So why take the oath if one is unwilling to live by it?

 

Why are you so anti-mission anyhow? I've never put my finger on that. Are you just defensive because you chose not to serve one or something?

We do not know that the OPs BF is a Melchizedek priesthood holder so we cannot assume that the oath and covenant applies to him at this point.

 

I did serve, I am not anti mission, I am anti going on one if your heart is not in to it. I was in a position on my mission were I got to see Elders have to leave early and go home in shame. Either by way of sins committed or a lack of desire to be there. Either way they had one thing in common, they never really wanted to be there in the first place. So now instead of the guy who simply didn't want to serve and went because of peer/family pressure we produced and inactive "return" missionary. 

 

So I stand by what I said. He should not go, no one should go if they are not 100% committed. It is not the only way to serve. 

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We do not know that the OPs BF is a Melchizedek priesthood holder so we cannot assume that the oath and covenant applies to him at this point.

 

I did serve, I am not anti mission, I am anti going on one if your heart is not in to it. I was in a position on my mission were I got to see Elders have to leave early and go home in shame. Either by way of sins committed or a lack of desire to be there. Either way they had one thing in common, they never really wanted to be there in the first place. So now instead of the guy who simply didn't want to serve and went because of peer/family pressure we produced and inactive "return" missionary. 

 

So I stand by what I said. He should not go, no one should go if they are not 100% committed. It is not the only way to serve. 

 

Well on this we fully agree. (Though I could reasonably go with a 90% committed choice I suppose. :))

 

Where we diverge in is the idea that someone who is uncommitted is just as righteous. That makes no sense to me. More committed = more righteous. That seems like a fairly obvious equation.  You're right that we cannot judge someone's righteousness through our perception of their commitment, because we don't know their heart. But we can easily speak in principle, that unwillingness to serve, unwillingness to commit, unwillingness to do as the Lord asks, makes a person less righteous than the inverse.

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And, more to the point of this thread:  Sure, he shouldn't go; but nor should he expect to be able to immediately be considered eligible husband material based on nothing more than his assurances that at some point in the nebulously-defined future, he will find another way to somehow fulfill that priesthood duty to "minister".  Also, I'm not sure that simply avoiding ordination to the Melchizidek Priesthood excuses one from priesthood obligations; because immediately following the oath and covenant of the priesthood in D&C 84 is the warning that "wo unto all those who come not unto this priesthood" (v. 42).

 

If I'm mission-age and don't want to serve--my obligation is to get myself to a state where I do want to serve; not to merely shrug and immediately start trying to find some nice Mormon girl to marry.

Edited by Just_A_Guy
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Also, I'm not sure that simply avoiding ordination to the Melchizidek Priesthood excuses one from priesthood obligations; because immediately following the oath and covenant of the priesthood in D&C 84 is the warning that "wo unto all those who come not unto this priesthood" (v. 42).

 

 

I was going to say something similar. We are all obligated to Him for all that we have. The priesthood is a special covenant we make to clearly define and set promises from both parties to that end. But the obligation exists regardless.

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