Marriage and changes (Is it fair to change religions once married?)

[KGrace]

I have been investigating the LDS church for over 3.5 years now ... In a nutshell, I fell in love with the church and for the first time in my life I finally had my own testimony of faith. For the first time ever, my heart felt at peace and "home" with the church and the restored gospel...So much so that I wanted to be baptized! However, my Husband became very unhappy (He didn't mind me going to the LDS CHURCH, but then when I said I wanted to be baptized, his thoughts changed drastically). I ended up leaving the church for just over a year now in order to save our marriage...I miss the church everyday and dream of the day I can go back ♡ He is Catholic, bit more of the "I go to mass when I can, and I do this bc that is what I grew up doing" ...We have a 2 year old little one and he doesn't want her raised LDS ...Yet he doesn't in the least bit take on the spiritual leader rOle in the house. I am not really sure what I am looking for in a response or as an answer for others, but I could use all the comfort I can get. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... Choosing between my marriage or my faith/beliefs. He says it isn't fair that before he married me I was one way,and now after we are married, I am a different person...I stand firm in my belief of loving my husband and staying true toy marriage commitment, but pray everyday that he will one day soften his heart and learn to love me even with my new found beliefs... that I can still be the same me, just a better version *or so I think the church makes me Please pray for me ♡

[Dravin]

You see this pop up repeatedly, that it's "not fair" for someone to grow or change as a person once you've married them. Fair or not it isn't realistic to expect people to remain unchanging from the point of marriage. Also, you rarely see it trotted out when someone is growing or changing in a direction the spouse approves of. People will bitterly complain that their spouse is going from X -> Y but jump with glee when they go from X -> Z. This makes it read less about there being some sort of underlying unfairness to changing that must be resisted at all costs and more not liking the change they are seeing. Which is fair enough as far as it goes but it should be realized that's the issue, not "marriage means never changing!"

Edited November 26, 2014 by Dravin

[Guest]

In a Catholic household where divorce is not an option, having a spouse that goes the direction away from the Catholic Church can be very scary... it shakes your very foundation.

 

Have patience on your husband.  For all you know, he is questioning this very same dilemma wondering why his wife does not love him anymore... and is praying to have your heart softened.

 

It is always a good idea to go outside of the "I" and concentrate more on the "You" in expressing I Love You.

 

The LDS Church will still be here when you and your husband gets in synch in your journey to Christ and following the tenets of the restored gospel does not get in the way of your marital covenant.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited November 26, 2014 by anatess

[omegaseamaster75]

Don't get baptized, don't bring it up again. If he is OK with you attending services keep doing that. 

[Guest MormonGator]

At first, my wife thought it would end our marriage (going from Catholic-LDS). Instead, it changed for the better. We've never been happier. 

[notquiteperfect]

As noted, growth and change is going to happen in marriage so it's 'unfair' of him to expect otherwise.  Ideally, you grow and change together.  To me, if a spouse finds something good that makes them happy, why not support it?  Have you asked him if there's something specific about the church that he doesn't like?  He might just have a misunderstanding about some aspect.  Also, have you asked him what he's afraid of?  Again, there may be a misplaced fear that you can reassure him about.  Lastly, you mentioned praying for him to have a change of heart and I suggest coupling that with fasting periodically.  hth 

[Guest]

 To me, if a spouse finds something good that makes them happy, why not support it?  

 

Normally, this is how it should be.

 

When it comes to Catholicism, though...

 

You know how LDS believes that when you have a testimony and then you do things against that testimony it is doubly bad?  The Catholics believe in the same thing... basically, when you've been through the Catholic sacraments and you go outside of the Catholic faith, your soul is damned... there are no 3 degrees of glory in the Catholic Church... It's heaven or hell...

 

So... for a Catholic, supporting your spouse to go outside of the Catholic Church is tantamount to paving her way to the damnation of her soul...

 

So, it's really a very tricky situation.

[Jane_Doe]

I have been investigating the LDS church for over 3.5 years now ... In a nutshell, I fell in love with the church and for the first time in my life I finally had my own testimony of faith. For the first time ever, my heart felt at peace and "home" with the church and the restored gospel...So much so that I wanted to be baptized! However, my Husband became very unhappy (He didn't mind me going to the LDS CHURCH, but then when I said I wanted to be baptized, his thoughts changed drastically). I ended up leaving the church for just over a year now in order to save our marriage...I miss the church everyday and dream of the day I can go back ♡ He is Catholic, bit more of the "I go to mass when I can, and I do this bc that is what I grew up doing" ...We have a 2 year old little one and he doesn't want her raised LDS ...Yet he doesn't in the least bit take on the spiritual leader rOle in the house. I am not really sure what I am looking for in a response or as an answer for others, but I could use all the comfort I can get. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do... Choosing between my marriage or my faith/beliefs. He says it isn't fair that before he married me I was one way,and now after we are married, I am a different person...I stand firm in my belief of loving my husband and staying true toy marriage commitment, but pray everyday that he will one day soften his heart and learn to love me even with my new found beliefs... that I can still be the same me, just a better version *or so I think the church makes me Please pray for me ♡

 

 

Have you asked your husband what about baptism makes him so uncomfortable?  

 

I couldn't tell you what's bothering him specifically, but I know a lot people whose spouse coverts are afraid that conversion will make their spouse a different person: that one day they'll wake up next to a total stranger.  I understand where that fear is coming from: faith is a big part of life and who you are.  When that's the case, I recommend to people to take things slow, and to always communicate with your spouse about what's going on spiritually.  Communication removes the fear of this new religion being some scary unknown monster, or you turning into a stranger.  

[notquiteperfect]

Normally, this is how it should be.

 

When it comes to Catholicism, though...

 

You know how LDS believes that when you have a testimony and then you do things against that testimony it is doubly bad?  The Catholics believe in the same thing... basically, when you've been through the Catholic sacraments and you go outside of the Catholic faith, your soul is damned... there are no 3 degrees of glory in the Catholic Church... It's heaven or hell...

 

So... for a Catholic, supporting your spouse to go outside of the Catholic Church is tantamount to paving her way to the damnation of her soul...

 

So, it's really a very tricky situation.

 

Perhaps and I see your point but since the op said that he's of the "I go to mass when I can, and I do this bc that is what I grew up doing" variety, I didn't put as much stock in that as I otherwise might.

[Guest]

Perhaps and I see your point but since the op said that he's of the "I go to mass when I can, and I do this bc that is what I grew up doing" variety, I didn't put as much stock in that as I otherwise might.

Catholic is very different than LDS... "Activity" is not as visible. There's no Sunday School, Priesthood Quorum, Home Teaching, Callings, etc., etc. or ward missionaries going through ward rosters. Church is formulaic, one hour a week. It's easy to just show up on Easter and Christmas...

[Guest]

Perhaps and I see your point but since the op said that he's of the "I go to mass when I can, and I do this bc that is what I grew up doing" variety, I didn't put as much stock in that as I otherwise might.

Catholic is very different than LDS... "Activity" is not as visible. There's no Sunday School, Priesthood Quorum, Home Teaching, Callings, etc., etc. or ward missionaries going through ward rosters. Church is formulaic, one hour a week. It's easy to just show up on Easter and Christmas...

[notquiteperfect]

Catholic is very different than LDS... "Activity" is not as visible. There's no Sunday School, Priesthood Quorum, Home Teaching, Callings, etc., etc. or ward missionaries going through ward rosters. Church is formulaic, one hour a week. It's easy to just show up on Easter and Christmas...

 

I know.

[notquiteperfect]

Had a couple more thoughts about this, KGrace:

- some people need time to warm up to an idea so don't assume his position can't/won't change

- if you aren't already, start living the standards even though you're not baptized

     - this way it's more of a gradual change maybe and won't be so shocking if you're able to join the church later

     - he'd be able to get a glimpse of what/how things would be if you were a member

- stay optimistic and think as though he's totally on board

[Backroads]

Ideally, putting your marriage first would mean respect for each other's religious choices. But... we are human with human fears. He likes the wife he knows and fears a changing one.

much good has been suggested. Live baptismal standards now, love your husband always, and baptism will come in its time.

[Backroads]

Don't get baptized, don't bring it up again. If he is OK with you attending services keep doing that.

If she is to never bring it up again, she may never get baptized. She shouldn't have to live in fear of disapproval and a possibility of dialogue should remain open.

[mdfxdb]

If she is to never bring it up again, she may never get baptized. She shouldn't have to live in fear of disapproval and a possibility of dialogue should remain open.

She shouldn't bring it up in the short term.  She should be as active as she can if her husband doesn't have a problem with it.  He sounds like a somewhat standard Catholic to me.  He likely has deep belief in his religion, and can't understand why anyone would want to change that.  Is the OP catholic as well?  Were they the same religion when they got married and now she wants to leave the reservation?

 

What if one spouse from an LDS couple who had been temple married decided to turn Catholic?  Would we give the same advice?

[Guest]

I know.

 

Right... which means... just because he only goes to church on Christmas and Easter doesn't necessarily mean he does not care about being Catholic.

[avatar4321]

Live the standards of the gospel the best you can. Repent of any sins you have.

some hearts take much fasting and prayer to change. I would say fast and pray about what you will do next. Let the spirit guide. Talk with the Lord about the feelings of your heart.

then I recommend following the advice of some of the others about asking him about his concerns. You can't do anything about his concerns until you know them.

act in faith. Remember that the believing spouse can sanctify the unbelieving.

be kind to him. Be respectful. Remember d&c 121

[pkstpaul]

What I find myself saying a lot is to be a 'patient missionary'. I agree with Anatess and the subtleties of being Catholic. You seem to indicate you were not Catholic, and therefore I would assume you not married in the church or otherwise under the marriage sacrament.  Anatess was a better Catholic than myself, so I would defer to her on the impact your joining a church has on your husband's standing in his. 

 

Overall, I would recommend moving forward in your persuit of the LDS faith, but be sensitive to your husband. Don't try to eat the whole elephant. Take it slow. Watch that the church does not consume too much of your time and attention (it will try - callings can be demanding). As long as you look for a balance, your husband should see the change for the better. You will be a better wife and mother. Take your time, but keep moving.

[Jonathan16]

I will pray for you to make the best decision that you can.

 

What you are asking (as I understand your question) is if you should stay with your husband who has no testimony of his own beliefs and merely does as he was taught, and possibly sacrifice your own testimony to keep him happy, or should you care more for yours and your daughters eternal souls and happiness while you are here on earth.

 

I advise that you talk with the missionaries again and the Branch President or Bishop where you attend church at (I'm not talking about Mass).

 

Six years ago, I had a co-worker go through a very similar situation except she was pregnant with their first, one day after she had made the decision to get baptised and confirmed as a member, her husband stormed into where we worked, drunk and very angry. He yelled to the whole business that he would rather she be dead then become a mormon, and tried to attack her. Unfortunately for him, one of the customer's in the business at the time was an Iraq War veteran who taught self defense classes at the local Y, and stopped him before he could touch her. Now, I'm not saying your husband will become violent if you get baptised, or even that he might.

 

I have already stated my advice and told you of my co-workers trial and hope and pray you will make the best decision for you and your daughter.

 

 

P.S. My great-grandma used to say "It is a woman's prerogative to change her mind as often and/or drastically as she wants, and the only thing a man can do, is try to keep her happy."  My great-grandparents were married for nearly 80 years, they both died in their sleep less than 2 hours apart with less than a week before their 80th anniversary.

[Latter-Day Marriage]

The position of the church as I understand it is that a wife should respect her husband's wishes.  The church will not baptize a married woman without the husband's consent, when a member she can not be given a calling unless he agrees to it.  The church should not become a wedge between husband and wife.  A wife with a husband who restricts her religious practice can pray for his heart to be softened as she respects his authority as head of the family, but rebelliousness is counterproductive.

 

When my mom joined the church, dad wanted nothing to do with it but didn't care what she did.  When it became clear how the church demanded a lot more than just showing up on Sunday morning he became somewhat hostile towards the church, but over time his attitude shifted and 20 years after mom joined, he was baptized. 

 

Don't make the mistake of thinking that how he is today is how he will always be.  Do what you can to bring the blessings of the gospel into your home and wait and pray for his heart to change.  I couldn't go to primary as a kid, but my mom got the lesson manuals and taught me the lessons and songs herself at home.  You have all the manuals at your fingertips online, and General Conference, and more.

[Fran]

"a wife should respect her husband's wishes".  "without the husband's consent", " unless he agrees to it."  "as she respects his authority as head of the family"

 

I'm shocked to read that a woman can't make her own choice and needs to consult her husband before she makes a decision. Is that what it is usually happening within the LDS Church or is it your conception of womanhood ?

It sounds a lot like sexism.

 

Men and women have different roles, we can't expect to be 100% the same in everything, and as a married couple we should discuss matters and make decisions that are best for everyone. But if the woman needs to do something for herself, especially in her service to God, that should be between herself and the Lord, nothing to ask  for the husband's permission. If that really affects the well being of the family as it is too hard for the couple to live different level of faith or different faith, then it's best to see how religion should have a place in the house (teaching children, observing holidays)... and try to come to an agreement of compromises.

[estradling75]

"a wife should respect her husband's wishes".  "without the husband's consent", " unless he agrees to it."  "as she respects his authority as head of the family"

 

I'm shocked to read that a woman can't make her own choice and needs to consult her husband before she makes a decision. Is that what it is usually happening within the LDS Church or is it your conception of womanhood ?

It sounds a lot like sexism.

 

Men and women have different roles, we can't expect to be 100% the same in everything, and as a married couple we should discuss matters and make decisions that are best for everyone. But if the woman needs to do something for herself, especially in her service to God, that should be between herself and the Lord, nothing to ask  for the husband's permission. If that really affects the well being of the family as it is too hard for the couple to live different level of faith or different faith, then it's best to see how religion should have a place in the house (teaching children, observing holidays)... and try to come to an agreement of compromises.

 

Please note that the church is striving to help families (aka Husbands and Wives) be One as commanded by the Lord.  It is not going to endorse actions that can cause greater strife and/or possible divorce... That runs counter to the commandments of the Lord.  It is equally true that if the Husband wanted to get baptized and the Wife was against it the council would be, "A husband should respect his wife's wishes," "without the wife's consent," "unless she agree to it," "should respect her position as wife and mother of the family"

 

You can try to slant it as anti-woman if you choose to see it that way, but it is not.  It is pro-family and acknowledges that everyone in a relationship has to compromise some individual freedoms to keep the relationship healthy.

 

People are of course free to choose their own course of actions...  They will also be held accountable for what they did and the consequence of their actions.  If someone destroys their marriage it will not be because the Church encouraged such actions 

[pam]

Please also keep in mind that this thread is almost a year old.  The OP hasn't returned to the site since the day this thread was started.

[Guest]

As far as I know, that policy has also been changed.  That is an old policy from another time.  The Church will allow such baptisms.  But it is still discouraged because of the concern for marital strife.  But if either spouse truly wants it, they may be baptized without consent.