How to help a new widow?

[Guest]

My dad has been gone for 2 weeks today. Now that the funeral and everything is over, Mom is really struggling. I think she was in shock/denial for a long time. I understand that this is normal and that she needs to grieve, but does anyone, especially our resident widows, have any advice on how we can help her through this?

[PolarVortex]

I am not an expert in grief management, but here are some ideas from my own experiences. 

 

Recovering from the death of someone so close will often follow a zigzag path, and your mom may have good days and bad days.  When my mom was widowed (my stepfather), she would have bad days and she'd tell herself that all her days would be just as bad forever or even get worse.  That really wore her down.  At the time, I lacked the wisdom to tell her she'd learn ways to live without her husband and that she had plenty of good days ahead of her, even if she didn't feel that was possible.  (And indeed, she has had over two decades of a wonderful life after his passing and is still going strong.)

 

Also, for reasons that I still do not fully understand, my mom felt that God was punishing her by allowing her husband to die, and that he'd still be alive if she had been a better person.  Then she went into a period where she read about ouija boards and thought she'd still be able to communicate with him beyond the grave.  Fortunately, this bizarre behavior came and went very quickly.  Your mom's grief may pop out in all kinds of strange ways.  If that happens, gently guide her back to the right track and be ready to call in professional help if needed.

 

Keep your mom plugged in with lots of routine contact from lots of people, but listen to her very carefully and give her her space if she wants it.  I would take care not to pester her with lots of bland questions about "how she is doing."  I would open all conversations with her with something very specific, like "what are your plans for today?" or "how was your visit last night with so-and so?"  Most importantly, talk about whatever she wants to talk about, including nothing if that's what she wants.

 

I am a big believer in the healing power of living creatures.  If your mom doesn't have a pet with warm blood and fur, consider loaning her one that she can sleep with (if she is an animal lover).  Be careful about giving pets, because it can create stress that she doesn't need. Get her to volunteer at the local SPCA.  Or any other worthwhile things that will break up her time alone in her house.  And don't just tell her to volunteer... go with her. 

 

I've heard from several relatives that learning to sleep alone in bed is the hardest part about losing a spouse.  Maybe you could pick some part of the house to rearrange or redecorate?  A few pleasant changes to your mom's life might refocus her energies away from that very difficult change two weeks ago.

 

Best wishes... losing a parent or a spouse is tough.  I'm sorry again about your loss.  And I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I suspect that your relatioship with your mom will deepen and change in some big ways.  Welcome and embrace this.

[John Prather]

I've attended several seminars and conferences over the years dealing with death and grief.  The take away that I learned was that, though there are stages of grief, there is no set order in which a person experiences them.  I have found that letting the person know that they are loved and you are thinking about them is a good foundation for caring.  Making yourself available and letting them know this is comforting.  People grieve (inward) and mourn (outward) in various ways. Concern should noted if their grieving is impacting their quality of life.  Some people may tend to want to be alone and this should be respected but if they become totally isolated from the world for a extreme amount of time then an intervention of some nature would be recommended.  People often think that the subject of the decease is taboo but it has been my experience that people generally like to talk about their loved one who has passed.  Another factor related is the loss of the sense of identity.  I was so and so's husband/wife. That is what some people refer to when they experience the death of a person in their life when they say they feel a loss.  Again, everyone is different so the approach has to be tailored to that individual.

[Guest]

Family activities, family activities, and more family activities.

 

My mom cared for my dad for 2.5 years that when he died, she would wake up and just be at a loss of what to do.  It came to be that she would just sleep most of the day away.  So, my siblings filled her day with things she has to do... we would even make up things like - "Mom, can you please help my sons pick out their school uniforms?  I just haven't figured out what is a good material and what is not good..." - it's a school uniform provided by the school, there's really not much choice in the matter - but she has to take a ride with us to the school so then we would just go ahead and do some shopping for shoes and school supplies and eat out... which became an entire day's activity.

 

Also, she's been married to my dad for 50 years... so she wouldn't sleep in her bed because she's never had to sleep by herself for so long.  We would catch her sleeping on the recliner infront of the TV.  So, the grandkids camped in her bedroom.  So then, she got to fuss at all the kids... checking to make sure they showered and brushed their teeth and that they haven't outgrown their pajamas and that they would sleep instead of playing on their electronics... then she'd wake up and get the kids up and changed into their "day clothes"...

 

She's lived with my brother for a year - fussing over his kids... then she moved to my sister and will be there for a year - fussing over her kids... but then my aunts and uncles are always dragging her to go places now that she has "freedom", so she's been traveling a lot... so she's slowly getting weaned out of "fussing".

 

She's never alone, though.  I think her world will come crashing down if she has to be alone.  Maybe she'll eventually choose to be alone, but I don't see that happening in her lifetime... so we continue to help out with filling her itinerary.

Edited December 3, 2014 by anatess

[Maureen]

When my dad passed away, my 8 year old niece (at the time) came to live with my mom for the school year. It was good for both of them.

 

M.

[applepansy]

Just include her.  Especially during the holidays.

 

A great book that might help her and you and others is "Grieving: The Pain and The Promise" by Deanna Edwards.

[Roseslipper]

If shes Lds theres this book called the birth called death.. its been around along time.

[Iggy]

My Mom was kept busy with two teens still left at home, AND the Branch members only left her alone for the 8 hours at night when she should have been sleeping and then an additional 4 hours a day. The rest of the time they were visiting her (learning to make and bake nearly everything and anything, or to mend clothes, or talk and glean info regarding raising children). 

 

All of us kids either called her (half of us lived on the west coast while she lived in So. Dak.) the other half was with her as much as they could be. Living in the same town as her.

 

Daddy passing affected me way more than it did Mom. She was with him when he passed. I had just developed a relationship in which we were writing to each other on a weekly basis, and my phone calls home were more with Dad than with Mom. I already had a close relationship with Mom. [i found out 20 years later that Daddy never wrote letters to any of his children, except me.]

 

One thing that helped me and Mom was that we talked about him. Mom related stories about him, and I asked her if my memories of him were real or not. One thing ~ I really regret NOT writing this all down. All the conversations I had with Mom, NOT saving the letters to and from Daddy. I have only four pictures of him. 

[notquiteperfect]

Great input already.  Will add a couple thoughts.  

 

- Depending on the situation, she might be overwhelmed and could use someone to walk her through some things.  For example, when my grandpa passed, my aunt took over paying the bills for grandma since grandpa always took care of it.

 

- Help her find new opportunities to get involved in - travel, family history, classes, etc.  

 

- Suggest service (one of the best antidotes ever)!  Join her in planning and executing.

 

{hugs to all}

Edited December 4, 2014 by notquiteperfect

[Bini]

Our family went through this recently (within the last year) with a dear family friend and his wife. She passed away, not abruptly, we knew she was sick but it was still too soon. Anyway, just one thing I would say is don't tell someone who is grieving how to grieve, and what he or she should and should not do during their healing process. Traumatic events register with everyone differently, and we're not all on the same time frame, either. Biggest thing is to listen and talk when that person is ready to take that step. Don't treat them like they're incapable, they're not, they've just lost apart of themselves and it will take time for the pieces to go back together. The balancing act between giving them space and hovering over them with good intentions is a fine one. I'd say checking in with them on a daily basis or every couple days (depending on how well they receive interaction) is important, I think the duration of that check-in is less important, and the sincerity of the check-in is more important. If the person wants to hangout, great. If not, just let them know you're there for them, and sweet and short is acceptable.