Dating, Lonely, Depressed, Hopeless


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Hey all

 

I'm just becoming disheartened, frustrated, and disillusioned through my recent experiences dating in Provo. Rejection after rejection, and I just can't take it anymore. I'm not exactly bad looking, but I just must have had bad luck at picking girls in relationships or that had no intention of progressing in a relationship. School is great, and I have a great career ahead of me. Family life and other things are well. I just feel destroyed from the negative experiences I've had - I feel like I have a dagger in my heart from the painful experiences of just trying. Mission had lots of rejection, but this is different. I always used to feel liked and appreciated. Now that i'm in my major classes, there are just hardcore science and career women, and I really (no offense to feminists, but I disagree with that philosophy) would prefer a more traditional wife/GF. I'm pretty flexible, but I am just finding women as focused on their careers as I am, and I'm just getting weary of the journey alone. Missing church sometimes because I just can't stand to see the happy couples - the only thing I've wanted and have failed miserably at. It just pains me. 

 

Add my current pain and struggles onto the vision forward of so many divorces, so many relationship problems, changing gender roles, career and educationally burdened women...I just feel the hope is running out. My confidence which was once strong is now weak and dim. I just can't go on. Picked up swearing, changed my music, and have lost faith in the disenheartening depression that followed. I only say that so you can appreciate the extent that this has affected and pained me... I don't even have the will to ask for one more date, because so much has happened. I'm considering adopting a practice of celibacy and just going to grad school and living as a science man. Sad, but I have lost all hope for relationships and marriage.e Just women that want money, abuse men...we're a dying breed. 

 

Every once in a while I get a boost back up, but my sad state returns quickly. Dating-induced depression. Never felt this way before. Ever.

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In the words of Edna Mode: pull yourself together!!... fight, win!!  

 

 

Really, pull yourself together!!  I say that to be encouraging: get out there!  Show them who you are and go for it!  

 

Take it from someone who spent years moping about never finding the "one", I learned a couple of things:

 

1) The "one" doesn't exist.  

2)  If you confine yourself to dating a person with characteristics "xyz", you're limiting your potential and the possibilities God has in store for you.

3)  Finding love is a lot like building a rocket: patience leads to joy out of this world, impatience leads to explosive fireworks on the launch bay.  Don't rush it.

4)  Feeling sorry for yourself is the best great quicksand pit in the world.

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When you happily live and keep your standards independently, you're a more attractive prospect for marriage. Don't blame your sins on lack of companionship. Marriage comes with its own challenges, so you've got to be able to stand on your own two feet. 

 

Open your mind to be willing for whoever Heavenly Father leads you to. If she has career aspirations, you'll likely be able to compromise. Besides, you can paint the whole of the female student body with such a wide brush. Many of my stay-at-home or part-time-work mom friends have college degrees that they used until they had children to be home with (and by the way, you never know how long it will take to have a family, and rearing children is only a fraction of a woman's life, AND we've been counseled to be prepared in case we need to support or help support the family). If she's educated, she is not burdened! You want your children to have a capable and well-rounded mother. By placing limits on who you're willing to look at, you're really shrinking your pool. . . especially living in an academic town. If you can't open your mind to other things, get out of Provo when you can. 

 

Don't let depression hold you down, and for goodness sakes, stop feeding it. :) 

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I married Sister Vort because I was deeply in love with her (and because she agreed to marry me). At the time, she had aspirations of a French PhD and a career at the UN. I knew this full well going in, but I married her anyway, even though her aspirations didn't match up with mine, and her vision of our future wasn't like mine.

 

As it turns out, she pretty much adopted my viewpoint on most such things. If she hadn't, I do not know what would have become of us. But I did love her and I was committed to making our marriage work, no matter what.

 

I'm not saying you should go into marriage determined to win your fiancee over to your viewpoint. You shouldn't; that's not honest, and disappointment is almost inevitable. What I am saying is that neither you nor your possible future spouse knows what life will actually look like going forward. Marry someone who shares your same basic values and who likes you (and whom you like). Then move forward from there. If you wait for someone to cover all the checks in your bottomless list, you will be waiting a very long time.

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Guest MormonGator

Oh, I feel your pain brother. 34 year old married for a few years guy here. 

 

I loved being single, though I am happily married. I dated a lot and was totally averse to choosing one particular woman. I heard horror stories and saw my friends get cleaned out in divorces. Too often in the religious world people view men as the ones who always ruin relationships (yes, it's a generalization, there are exceptions) and that's simply not true. One of by best friends was cleaned out in a divorce by a woman who took their son and traded him in for a new version who was a lawyer and could, in her words, "provide a better life for her and their son". I was/still am outraged by her cold bloodedness. My friend pulled himself together after a few years of darkness and is now married to a wonderful woman. I have another friend who was ruined by a woman he was living with who took everything, ran up bills and forced him into bankruptcy. Both genders can destroy relationships. 

 

Women and men are attracted to happy, confident people. If you wallow in misery (and my goodness, it's such an easy trap to fall into) you will find yourself alone and miserable. It's like quicksand. the more you struggle, the easier it is to drown in it. 

 

Sometimes you just have to make the choice, "you know, bad things have happened to me. I'm going to remain positive and trust that God has a plan for me." 

 

The church is the best lifeboat from the world, though sometimes in my view they don't do enough for single people. It's their church too. 

 

From one brother to another, I'm praying for you and take my word on this-it gets better and you really will find the one. When you do, all the relationship drama from the past just sort of ends. 

Edited by MormonGator
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How old are you?  If you're still in school and looking forward to advanced degrees you're too young to get married. 

 

Go to church.  There will be someone who will date you!  If not go to www.loveme.com for further instruction! B)

 

Once you have your degrees and are out in the world making $$$, buying a home and accumulating some assets, believe me, the single girls will be coming our of the woodwork.

 

Want a traditional girl?  Be a traditional man. :)

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Utah is one place where if you dont feel like you fit in then you need to leave. Like mrmarklin said, once you get into your career and start making some money the women will start to notice and relationships will be easier to start. There are a lot of beautiful available LDS women on dating websites.

 

I got married at 26 but wished I waited till about 30. The first 10 years of our marriage we were in depth and couldnt enjoy vacations or other expensive things, now that I am making more money we do have a savings and spend a little more freely I just wished that it could have been like that from the begining of our relationship.

 

I do envy you in that I wish I was your age again and I wish I was more career oriented like you are. I only have an associates degree and work in the labor field.

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I disagree with the previous two posters. Marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I may be so bold, to Sister Vort. If there were one thing I wish I had done differently, it would be that we had started to have children a year or two earlier than we did.

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Guest MormonGator

I disagree with the previous two posters. Marriage is the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I may be so bold, to Sister Vort. If there were one thing I wish I had done differently, it would be that we had started to have children a year or two earlier than we did.

 

Vort-That's wonderful to hear. It has been a blessing to me as well. 

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... Picked up swearing, changed my music, and have lost faith....

 

Aaarrgghh. I was right there with you until this.

 

You may be surprised to hear this, but depression over failure with dating is pretty common.

 

Holding to the faith is my counsel. Dropping standards and faith is absolutely guaranteeing failure. At the least the traditional wife you want will never be attracted to that kind of a person. At the most, what good will it do you to find a great wife and lose your soul?

 

Get your life in order. Period! Then move forward and trust the Lord. Otherwise, you're lost for sure.

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Thanks for your kind words. It's difficult to remove the walls one has built to guard his heart after it's been slashed one too many times. I'll just give it time in the garden of life :) Focus on building up my life and perhaps someday she'll come along. 

 

 

 

I was praying to God the other day and full on whining about the difficulties in my life.  I must have said, "That's not fair!" at least 5 fives.  And then God said back to me, "Who do you think you are, sweetie?  Who promised you an easy life?  Who promised you that all your dreams would come true?"  

 

And so I was humbled yet again. :)

 

It's so easy to get stuck in the wallowing place. Isn't it?  But gosh it's a trap.  Gratitude works better.  It helps us tame our unruly expectations and it keeps us from suffering unnecessarily.

 

Sorry rejection has happened so much.  Sorry marriage has been elusive.  Sounds like you really really wanted your happy dream.  I wanted my happy dream too.  But I got my life instead.  And I'm better for it. Even if I am a little sad about the whole thing. 

 

Don't give up.  Maybe you just need to change your brand of breath mints. :)  And,  If you get married, happy new year!  If you don't, it can still be a happy new year cuz life is good!!  (and cuz marriage is kinda hard sometimes.  Sometimes I've wondered if the single folks have it easier. You know what I'm saying???)

Edited by Misshalfway
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"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

The one common denominator in all your relationships is you.  You pick the same type of 'traditional' woman each time, you get the same result each time.  As wild and radical as it may seem to you, maybe the woman for you shares your interest in science! 

 

I urge you to truly become more flexible and less dismissive of the women around you.   I say this from the other side, as a woman who was overlooked because I wasn't "traditional" enough, because I had an intimidating educational background and made more money than a lot of the men my age.  If they had gotten to know me, they would have learned that I was having fun in my career, that I think it's vitally important for a single woman to be able to support herself comfortably, and that ultimately, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother and have a traditional family.  

 

I did not change who I was, but I made myself more approachable.  I dressed in a more feminine way.  I showed off my home making skills more.  I learned to disagree in less harsh ways.  And I eventually met a man in my field who appreciated my independence, valued our shared interests, and understood true equality in a relationship.  

 

If you want different results, you need to get out there are do things differently.  Clearly, your current strategy isn't working.   

   

 

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"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

 

I know this is a total derailment but...I've always thought this quote was so much garbage. First of all, that is, decidedly, NOT the definition of insanity. Second. Repetition is how we improve. Of course we expect different results from it. Because the more we do any given thing, the more we are comfortable with it, the more muscle memory we have (if it is physical). The more we understand and grow and learn. Of course we expect different results through repetition. Duh.

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I have lots of cousins... Yes.  Straight from the Philippines...  and they all need visas.

 

 

 

 

But, they're all educated, career-minded women.  They will stay home only if they can't hire a maid... By the way, I'm also a career woman... I work so I can hire a maid, and buy ready-made meals, and send the clothes that need ironing to the Laundromat.  So, unless you can afford all those on your own money, my cousins will be wanting to work - I mean, they make more money working as a nurse/doctor/physical therapist (what's with Filipinos and the medical field?  Yeah, most of my cousins are in that field!) for one hour and hiring a floor scrubber than saving money by doing an hour of floor scrubbing themselves!

Edited by anatess
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