don't go to church because of racist neighbor

[echo1001]

I’m not a native speaker so if my English isn’t good, Please have some patience. Thanks.

I live in Davis county, Utah.

My neighbor who is White and from South has been ignoring me for years.

When I saw her in a store, I wanted to say hi  but she just ignored me.

I was naïve enough to think, she didn’t see me etc. It happened all the time.

Funny thing is in public (like neighborhood block party etc), she said hi etc.

It was weird but I didn’t care much.

Her daughter left flyers for babysitting on my porch this summer.

Even I don’t like the neighbor; I didn’t want to be same person so I tried to be nice her daughter.

Her girl didn’t have cell phone, so I sent a msg to the neighbor Fb but sure enough, she ignored me.

I was pretty mad.  Facebook shows when people check your msg or not.

She checked but she just didn’t do.

And she advertised about her girl’s babysitting on RS fb page.

What the heck?!

I was super mad at her so I sent her another fb msg.

I told her that ‘why are you doing this?’, ‘are you racist something?’ ‘Gospel doesn’t teach like this’ etc.

She totally ignored me again.

I started to have a depression. It became pretty serious. RS president found out I have a depression and tried to help me. I told her about what happened with telling her the name.

She was nice to do things like find a doctor for me etc.

I still have hard time; I decided to tell her about who the neighbor is.

RS president said “You might offend her first”. “She is nice person, don’t give her more stress” etc.

Later I found out the neighbor’s son had drug problem and her oldest daughter got divorce.

So RS president knew about it and worried about HER.

I was suicidal and she knew about it. But she still worried about the neighbor not ME.

At the time, I felt like why I’m here. No one treat me like this before. Maybe I should be out of my family’s life and they’ll have better life etc..

It started because of her. And RS president talked her. She said she didn’t do anything wrong, so she ignored me. What?

Every year she hosts charity party for poor people. It makes me laugh about it.

I think she wanted to show off people how nice she is.

I don’t go to church because I don’t want to see her face.

She is so hypocrite. When she talked about LOVE others, it made me mad so much.

I can’t talk about this in my neighborhood. I tried without telling name, people said they don’t want to involve it.  I feel so lonely.

If I didn’t try to be nice, If I was just like her. I won’t her this much.

What should I do?

  

 

 

 

[prisonchaplain]

It's hard to know what turns people away.  It might be race.  It might be nervousness over an accent.  It could be something you said or did, that meant nothing to you, but was interpreted negatively by the other person.  To give an example, I was speaking with another pastor one time, and we were talking about beverages.  I said that I prefer higher-end brands, as they really do taste better.  His response was something to the effect that he did not think Jesus would be so picky.  I was totally caught off guard by that.  He thought I was being pretentious, snooty, and arrogant.  We continued to be acquaintances, but I doubt he would ever let me get close after that.  There wasn't much I could do.  He'd formed an opinion, and no protesting on my part would change that.  So, I was nice to him--cordial, but came to realize that we were never meant to be close buddies.

 

Perhaps your neighbor falls into this category.  The problem is probably not yours, and you cannot do much to fix it.  So, be nice, be cordial, but stop investing emotional energy into this lady.  She's probably not one that Heavenly Father meant for you to get close to.

[Vort]

echo, I am not sure what you should do. I can tell you what you SHOULDN'T do, though. You shouldn't let your neighbor's (perceived) racism make you unhappy. You have plenty of other neighbors, friends, and fellow Saints you love you just fine. Don't let one bad apple spoil your barrel of happiness.

 

I would also suggest that you cannot look into this woman's heart and see her motives. What looks to you like racism may in fact be nothing of the sort. So rather than condemn her, just let her go her way. Don't let her actions hurt you. Just live your life as you think the Lord wants you to, and don't take offense. Let it go. That's my opinion.

[Bini]

I loved PC's post. I agree, obviously, well said.

[mdfxdb]

Echo,

 

Get a grip.  It isn't about you.  Everything isn't about you.  Go to church, worry about your own salvation.  

[Guest]

Echo1001... I'll be very direct.  I have a thick accent and I know I alienate people because I just have a different way of doing things.  For example, it would insult my mother terribly if you walk into my house and not take off your shoes... Americans don't do that and my White father-in-law think it is very rude to ask them to take off their shoes.  So, I'm constantly having to play a balancing act between two diverse cultures with different ways of doing/understanding things.  And then there's the way I speak - even here on lds.net I get in trouble a lot - because a lot of times, the way I form my sentences are considered offensive and it is too difficult for me to remember what combination of words are offensive and what isn't... so, I don't worry about it and just try to smooth out ruffled feathers when I offend somebody without my intention.

 

That said... you cannot control what other people do.  You can only control what you do.  You say - The Church teaches us to love people.  But, you're only looking at other people loving you.  You are not looking at you loving other people.  Jesus never said - only love those who love you.  He said to Love One Another.  Yes, that includes your neighbor.  Think of this - Jesus was hanging on the cross minutes to his death and yet he pleads with God - Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.  He never once said - Father, forgive them but not those soldiers who just stabbed me...

 

So, think of your neighbor who is going through such a hard time with her daughter getting divorced and her son having drug problems.  SERVE HER and LOVE HER.  This is not a contest of who is lesser fortunate and deserves more help.  This is about serving your fellowmen in the name of Christ.

[yjacket]

echo,

 

Something that has brought great joy into my life is the following:

 

Stop worrying about trying to change others and Be the change you wish to see in the world.

[andrewc]

It sounds like you just need to let this go completely... I agree that you should really stop worrying about what other people are/aren't doing. Maybe pray for your neighbors wellbeing, and let go any perceived slights as it is just harming your mental state.

Edited December 9, 2014 by andrewc

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

Sorry about your neighbor.  Whatever is going on with her, it is painful to be treated that way.  

 

I'm reminded of these words attributed to Mother Teresa* 

 

*  People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

            If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

            If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

           If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

            What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

            If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

            The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

         Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

 

 

* -- http://prayerfoundation.org/mother_teresa_do_it_anyway.htm

Edited December 9, 2014 by LiterateParakeet

[Laniston]

If you don't go to church because of another person, you are denying yourself the sacrament.  This is basically punishing yourself for someone else's behaviour.

 

Oh Anatess, I don't know how this happened, since Canada has such a similar background of European immigration, but we also take our shoes off when entering homes.  Maybe it's time to head north :)

[Guest]

Oh Anatess, I don't know how this happened, since Canada has such a similar background of European immigration, but we also take our shoes off when entering homes.  Maybe it's time to head north :)

 

If only there's such a thing as Tropical up north.... 

[Laniston]

If only there's such a thing as Tropical up north.... 

(Last off topic post here I promise)

 

It was +4 Celsius yesterday.  That tropical enough?

[Guest]

(Last off topic post here I promise)

 

It was +4 Celsius yesterday.  That tropical enough?

 

Uhm... no.  +24 is where it needs to be.  +30 is good too.

[Misshalfway]

You know, sometimes we humans are really good at causing our own suffering.

 

You'll have to forgive me.  I'm a little bit of a Byron Katie (writer/guru person) follower and after reading your post, I'm thinking about her writings.  She does this exercise where she asks her readers to "judge their neighbor".  So basically you pick someone and go to town indicting their weaknesses.  Kind of like what you've done with this woman in your neighborhood.  "she's a hypocrite" or "she's unloving" or "she ignores me".  Then Byron Katie tells you to turn it around.  So, you turn it around onto yourself.  "I'm a hypocrite" or "I'm unloving" or "I ignore me".  

 

It takes a load of courage to really look at yourself this way.  I'm sure you'll agree.  But what I've learned that what we see in others or hate in others or love in others has a lot more to do with us than with them.  And even though it takes courage to look within in this way, when we take responsibility for our own judgments of others and maybe of the unloving way we treat ourselves, we can change that and help ourselves feel better.

 

Sweetie, it sounds like you are or have really struggled with depression and suicidal feelings.  That's hard stuff.  It really is.  I've struggled with some of that myself and I sympathize.  But if you are like me, depressive headspace can kinda warp ones perceptions on things.  I remember being so offended by others.  So offended because I was reading their mind and guessing about all sorts of things I feared might be true.  It really didn't have nearly as much to do with them as it did with me and my faulting expectations and beliefs.  Is there a chance that might be happening here with you?

 

I read once, "There are no stressful circumstances.  Only stressful reactions to circumstances."  It kinda feels like your suffering might be due to your stressful reactions, not so much due to this woman and her seeming indifference.  I mean, if I do another Byron Katie......Who are you without this dreadful story you are telling yourself about this woman and how she hates you?

 

Blessings.

[Guest LiterateParakeet]

You know, sometimes we humans are really good at causing our own suffering.

 

You'll have to forgive me.  I'm a little bit of a Byron Katie (writer/guru person) follower and after reading your post, I'm thinking about her writings.  She does this exercise where she asks her readers to "judge their neighbor".  So basically you pick someone and go to town indicting their weaknesses.  Kind of like what you've done with this woman in your neighborhood.  "she's a hypocrite" or "she's unloving" or "she ignores me".  Then Byron Katie tells you to turn it around.  So, you turn it around onto yourself.  "I'm a hypocrite" or "I'm unloving" or "I ignore me".  

 

Misshalfway, I loved your whole post.  I hadn't heard of Byron Katie, but after reading your post I will have to check her out.

 

I can relate to so much of what you said in the last two paragraphs.  Recently my therapist commented (with a kind smile) that I "trend toward misery".  I was really offended by that at first, but later when I was less emotional I thought about it.  I knew he would not intentionally say anything to hurt me so I had to ask myself if what he said was true.  I realized that it is (my husband and daughter generously agreed with him, LOL!)  I also decided that it is "okay" that I trend toward misery.  I mean I don't want it to be a way of life, but it doesn't make me "bad".  Now that I am aware of it, I can work on rewiring my brain.  :)   I'm thinking Byron Katie might have some helpful suggestions based on what you said here.  

 

Thanks so much for your post!

[Pa Pa]

I’m not a native speaker so if my English isn’t good, Please have some patience. Thanks.

I live in Davis county, Utah.

My neighbor who is White and from South has been ignoring me for years.

When I saw her in a store, I wanted to say hi but she just ignored me.

I was naïve enough to think, she didn’t see me etc. It happened all the time.

Funny thing is in public (like neighborhood block party etc), she said hi etc.

It was weird but I didn’t care much.

Her daughter left flyers for babysitting on my porch this summer.

Even I don’t like the neighbor; I didn’t want to be same person so I tried to be nice her daughter.

Her girl didn’t have cell phone, so I sent a msg to the neighbor Fb but sure enough, she ignored me.

I was pretty mad. Facebook shows when people check your msg or not.

She checked but she just didn’t do.

And she advertised about her girl’s babysitting on RS fb page.

What the heck?!

I was super mad at her so I sent her another fb msg.

I told her that ‘why are you doing this?’, ‘are you racist something?’ ‘Gospel doesn’t teach like this’ etc.

She totally ignored me again.

I started to have a depression. It became pretty serious. RS president found out I have a depression and tried to help me. I told her about what happened with telling her the name.

She was nice to do things like find a doctor for me etc.

I still have hard time; I decided to tell her about who the neighbor is.

RS president said “You might offend her first”. “She is nice person, don’t give her more stress” etc.

Later I found out the neighbor’s son had drug problem and her oldest daughter got divorce.

So RS president knew about it and worried about HER.

I was suicidal and she knew about it. But she still worried about the neighbor not ME.

At the time, I felt like why I’m here. No one treat me like this before. Maybe I should be out of my family’s life and they’ll have better life etc..

It started because of her. And RS president talked her. She said she didn’t do anything wrong, so she ignored me. What?

Every year she hosts charity party for poor people. It makes me laugh about it.

I think she wanted to show off people how nice she is.

I don’t go to church because I don’t want to see her face.

She is so hypocrite. When she talked about LOVE others, it made me mad so much.

I can’t talk about this in my neighborhood. I tried without telling name, people said they don’t want to involve it. I feel so lonely.

If I didn’t try to be nice, If I was just like her. I won’t her this much.

What should I do?

It is not because she is from the South. The South has changed in a big way, in most ways we get along better with difference races than any other place. The person you speak of may be a racist, but not because she is from the South...to often people like to use the stereotypical view of a South that is no more racist. I live in Georgia, and it is filled with good, God fearing people, who love their neighbors as themselves. I love my State and "all" the people who live in it.

[sxfritz]

As hard as it might be, you should reach out to the neighbor in a loving way. Show her love and service. The RS president told you about her having issues. She was telling you the sister is hurting. Once you have reached out, you should tell her how you feel and how much you are impacted by the lack of a relationship. I don't think this trite or easy at all. I think it one of the hardest things you could do. However, you are hurting severely. Isn't it worth the cost considering you hurt so much you considered suicide?

 

Again, not meaning to minimize something to a single statement or action - it is what Jesus taught.