Have healthy company and be healthy company

[Bini]

I'm a very private person, with the exception of a small group of friends, I choose to keep distance from those outside my circle. I think this behaviour stems from being burned in the past, and so, I don't invest much into others unless I feel I can trust them. That said, when someone I consider to be close with betrays me, I feel especially violated, and find myself cutting (or wanting to cut) ties. Blah blah blah. So in the last six years, I've had to make some new friends because of meeting my husband and relocating to his neck of the woods.

 

So. Our group of five has become a group of three. Having babies changes everything. I'm one of the three left who has a mostly flexible schedule on weekends after my husband gets home for a girls' night out. Since I moved to a new area, I'm the furthest out from the other two, and it was agreed upon that as a courtesy we'd give each other at least a day or two notice for meet ups. In the last few months, I've been able to make maybe two get togethers, and have missed out on about four or five because the other two are winging activities within an hour's notice. The first one or two times this has happened, I let it go, I figured it wasn't a big deal. But it's feeling like a common trend now. I'm on good terms with both friends. In fact, one of them is coming with me to The Walking Dead's Walker Stalker con, so I'm really lost as to why she's so quick to make plans without me. (I guess it's true what they say about the third wheel, ha.) Since I can't control the on whim hangouts, I've tried to get us back on track to our regular TGIF! nights out, but one of them is always busy and then the other backs out too. I'm not one to get into drama, I'd rather just sever my ties now, and save myself from dealing with it. I did mention about a month ago how I felt and the two just said, "It was last minute!" I left it at that. It was clear both are oblivious to my feeling left out of the loop.

 

Fortunately, my friends aren't what my world revolves around. My husband and my daughter certainly are my most preferred company. But I guess in the last three months of missing out on time with "friends" it's left me feeling a bit down and out. Maybe I'm overreacting, but I really feel that I have some validity in my feels lol. For those of you that know me, when I first joined this forum I was a broken record of past relationships gone sour, and you may recall that. I feel that I'm in a place in my life now where I'm truly happy and I can say that I'm truly grateful for the people I have met and continue to build a relationship with. I want to keep having healthy company and be healthy company.

 

Any advice for me? Thanks.

[classylady]

I can understand why you're feeling left out.  I would too.  And, you wouldn't want to push yourself onto them if you're just the third wheel.  Maybe it really is just a last minute thing?  It's hard to know at this point.

 

I'm private too and dislike confrontation of any kind.  If it was me, I would let the friendship continue, but let them set the tone.  It could be that the friendship is going through an inevitable change and all you can do is let it go where it will go.

 

As I'm getting older I'm finding making friends more difficult.  I never struggled as a child or young adult with making friends.  It just seemed to come naturally.  But, as I was raising my children, I got so involved with my immediate family I let friendships slide.  Now, with 20/20 hindsight, I wish I would have nurtured my friendships more.  Now that my children are adults, and it's mainly just my husband and me, although he is my best friend, I miss the female companionship I used to enjoy.

Edited December 13, 2014 by classylady

[Bini]

The friendship could be going through a change. If it does go that way, I will drop them both in a heartbeat, and I won't look back. I'm a loyal person, always have been, through thick and thin - I've always had the back of my friends (even the not so great ones) - but if you don't want me around, done, I'm gone.

[PolarVortex]

Ouch.  Yikes.  I've been burned by triangular friendships in the past and I tend to be very skeptical of them, especially when distance makes it an isosceles triangle as in your case.  Triangular relationships often lead two people to do something which they think is harmless but which really hurts the third person.  I have a good friend who was in a 3-person carpool, and even something as harmless as that generated more drama than a bad soap opera.

 

Here on the Left Coast I have even met 3-person marriages that purport to bind all spouses in coequal marital ties.  (It's unclear how this works at night, but let's not go there.)  Of course, there is no legal recognition of these 3-person marriages (yet), but it doesn't matter because all these relationships seem to disintegrate by the hour. 

 

Anyway, back to you.  I would reject the structure of your friendship without rejecting the friends.  I'd focus on building point-to-point relationships with each of your friends without worrying whether the triangle is healthy.  If you plan an activity with one friend, by all means open it up to anyone else you wish to invite without feeling obligated to always invite the third person of your current triangle.  If that breaks your "courtesy agreement," well... it sounds like it's already broken.

 

And I strongly agree with classylady's comment.  I once interviewed a 90-year-old man and asked him about his happiness.  He said as you get older all the luster and glitz of the material world fade away, leaving only relationships with other people.  He said his friendships brought him more joy than bars of gold, especially friendships with lots of history and adventure.  If you pull the plug on a friendship, do it as a last resort.

[Jane_Doe]

I'm going through a similar thing myself.  Similar to what ClassyLady said, forcing it is the worse thing you can do.  

 

What I found works best is I offer a time to hang out (when it works for my schedule), and friends will either take me up on it or not.  If they do, then awesome!!  If not, then I don't let it bother me or act like I have a "hang out quota".  That way there's always an open door, but I'm not going to get burned.  Yeah, some of my friendships have drifted this way, but some... it's kind of funny how we can chat once every few months and still giggle like school girls.

[Crypto]

This sounds like a friendship doorslam. The term is particularly used by INFJ's, a particular personality type defined by the MBTI typology test.

 

I don't think it would be a good idea to slam the door on friends because of timing mismatches for enjoying each others company. While hurtful to you they might not realize what they are doing, so it will probably leave them confused while having no idea what caused it. 

 

I'll admit, unless they are being destructive to your life I really don't understand why people do this shutting out thing. I understand setting boundaries, it is a healthy thing, but burning bridges seems a little extreme and not so healthy to me. 

 

Communication, patience, and knowing your own boundaries are key to maintaining a healthy relationship. (I think at least)

Edited December 13, 2014 by Crypto

[Guest]

I could have written your exact post a year and a half ago, except these two friends live in my neighborhood. Next door to each other, but I'm just around the corner! I said something and was accused of overreacting. Then they made and followed through with plans for a big year-end trip to the water park with their kids that we had been talking about all summer, and didn't tell me. I was so hurt! I made a bigger deal about that one and they stopped inviting me to anything at all. 

 

After that I invited them to a few things, and when they didn't show up and didn't reciprocate, I just faded out. 

 

In hindsight, they got what they wanted all along, I think. They are still together all the time. We see each other at church and barely acknowledge each other. We never talk outside of that. I've reached out once or twice, but the writing is pretty much on the wall: they don't have any use for me. 

 

But you know, long story short, it's okay. I've found that I'm better off, anyway. It hurt pretty bad for a long time, but my time has filled with better things and nicer people. I think everything turned out for the best. 

 

So I guess my advice is, try making plans once or twice and see how it goes. If you're reading that they are reluctant or aloof or they can't make time for it, you don't need them. 

[Bini]

Eowyn, thank you for your post! This gives me comfort that at the end of the day, no matter what the outcome, I'm going to be fine and life goes on. I'm not a clingy or needy person to begin with, so once I sense I'm being brushed off, I'm mentally prepared to move on myself. Of course, I don't want to get too ahead of myself, but I'm not going to waste my energy on bringing a relationship back together that's on its way out.

[Guest]

My opinion only:

You're my good friend when I can be completely myself - good, bad, ugly and everything else in between - and you're still there. The flip side is - I'm your good friend because you can be completely yourself - plan in advance, be last minute, forget to invite me, invite me every 10 minutes, be sweet, be obnoxious - and I'm still here. When I chose you to be my friend, you don't need to apologize. You're already forgiven.

... So... one of my bestest friends live only a mile away from me. Last time we saw each other was a few seconds in September when she dropped off a bunch of stuff she got me from her trip to Japan. We saw each other before that last Christmas.... Nope, that doesn't mean we are not bestest friends anymore. It just means... the stars haven't aligned on our super crazy schedules. Yes. One mile away. Now, his son is over at my house like he lives here. Same as my sons in their house.... so I get all my updates of how they're doing through her son. And that's also how she found out I've been looking for this bento thing that's made in japan so she got it for me while she was there...

[Bini]

Anatess, that's not really the issue.

 

This is a triangle friendship. As others have cautioned, I am seeing that no matter the situation, there's always going to be a third wheel. Right now - that third wheel is me. Sure, it could change down the road, and be one of the other two at some point. None of us keep tabs on each other, other than, direct correspondence with each other via text or phone call. So if that method of communication were to die, the friendship is pretty much severed.

 

I gave them some dates that I'm free, with the exception of the holidays and an upcoming surgery (that no one knows about except my husband) that will set me back the whole first week of January. I sent that text 2 days ago and haven't heard back from either. The cold shoulder stung a bit. I was really involved with the one friend's two pregnancies and the other I've known well for the last six years. So yeh, they're definitely sending a message loud and clear, I think.

[Just_A_Guy]

This is probably a terrible over-simplification, but I would say:

 

. . . meh.  If you like hanging out with them, go when you're invited.  If being excluded is bothering you even to the point where you can't enjoy their company when they do include you . . . maybe it's best to put the relationship on the back burner.

 

I don't affirmatively "cut people off"--I'll still send Christmas cards, do a phone call once in a blue moon, etc., and I don't formally tell them "I'm pulling back from our friendship and this is why"--but where people don't seem to be reciprocating and the reason seems to be lack of interest (as opposed to, say, a life crisis), I do tend to put in less effort and just let nature take its course.

[Bini]

I'm just venting now.

 

My last communication was said text a couple days ago. I will not beg for attention or company. I already sent my holiday cards out to both, that was right after Thanksgiving, received nothing in return but I've never been whiny about that before - some people are card givers and others aren't.

 

It'll just be awkward after new years when the one friend and I do the Walker Stalker con and Comic Con next year. It was planned a year in advance, I go almost every year now, or every other year for some conventions. Her only way of travel to both conventions is via my car, so, awkward...

[Guest]

Mean girls suck, and unfortunately they often don't grow out of it. 

 

Seriously, the "mean girls" in my life were so fun to be with, and I even had several meaningful moments with them. But that kind of crap got more and more common.

 

When I either got pushed out (so juvenile) or walked away, whichever it actually was, I found that I had so much more time for other people who actually treat me well and act like adult human beings. It's nice. 

[Bini]

Or maybe I should tell her to find her own ride! Just kidding, kind of. Wouldn't do much good because we're VIPs and will be sat together most of the convention. Again, could be awkward if we have no contact between now and then.

[Guest]

Let it be awkward for her, not you. You've done nothing wrong. She's the one who should be ashamed of herself. Just go on like everything is fine and enjoy yourself as much as you can. :)

[Suzie]

I hate when "friends" treat others like you are a disposable tissue. You are good when they *need* you and you are not, when they don't, I call it "convenient friendship". After reading your post Bini, it doesn't sound like they were making last minute plans. If I was you, I would still be normal with them when they contact me etc but I wouldn't force myself to them and I wouldn't go out with them anymore. Real friends behave differently.

[Misshalfway]

Let it be awkward for her, not you. You've done nothing wrong. She's the one who should be ashamed of herself. Just go on like everything is fine and enjoy yourself as much as you can. :)

 

I agree. :)

 

But it's ok to be sad too.  Sorry this is happening.  Losing people....especially for dumb reasons.  It just hurts.

[Guest]

Anatess, that's not really the issue.

This is a triangle friendship. As others have cautioned, I am seeing that no matter the situation, there's always going to be a third wheel. Right now - that third wheel is me. Sure, it could change down the road, and be one of the other two at some point. None of us keep tabs on each other, other than, direct correspondence with each other via text or phone call. So if that method of communication were to die, the friendship is pretty much severed.

I gave them some dates that I'm free, with the exception of the holidays and an upcoming surgery (that no one knows about except my husband) that will set me back the whole first week of January. I sent that text 2 days ago and haven't heard back from either. The cold shoulder stung a bit. I was really involved with the one friend's two pregnancies and the other I've known well for the last six years. So yeh, they're definitely sending a message loud and clear, I think.

Bini, I think you missed the point of what I was trying to say... The most important line in that post was.... When I CHOSE you... I don't choose my friends because of what I get out of it.... I choose my friends because of what I'm willing to do for them...

This actually is a principle of mine that bleeds into most everything in my life... I chose to love my husband not because of what he does for me but what I'm willing to do for him... I give out Christmas cards/presents not because I got cards/presents but because I want to give cards/presents... etc., etc.

So that, it doesn't really matter what the duo does... If I chose to be their friend, I'll be there when they do decide to include me in whatever it is they're doing. If they don't want to include me, that's fine too. If they include me but they will only do x things and not the things I want to do, that's fine too. In the meantime, if they ever get in a bind and they need something, I'm here.

But the important thing is the Choosing part. There are people I did not choose to be my friend because I'm not quite willing to do those things with them. The ones I do choose, they're my friends for life.

Make sense?

But, that's just me.

Edited December 15, 2014 by anatess

[Bini]

Anatess, thanks for explaining further and I think I'm understanding.

 

I am a fiercely loyal friend, sister, lover and I will do anything for the people I care for. But if you don't want me around and make that clear, I'm not going to stick around and waste my time or yours. I won't play games.