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Crypto

How to have a successful marriage?

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I kinda curious about people's General advise for the do' s and do nots for having a successful marriage.

If your marriage has been successful, what good things have you and your partner done that you feel have contributed to it's success? What troubles have you had to work through?

If you have had a failed marriage, why did it fail, what do you think could have changed the result? Despite the problems was there anything that really worked out well? If you remarried, what have you and your partner done differently? What do you feel should be avoided?

Were there expectations you brought in that turned out differently? Are there things you looked for in a partner that made a difference?

Any other thoughts and comments?

 

My comment: find the right girl and take care she won't look like an alien as in your avatar.

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The hard thing about making a marriage a big success is that it takes both spouses to pull it off, so it is not something that is fully in one spouse's control.  But even if only one spouse is doing the right things it makes a big difference. 

 

Keeping commandments and temple covenants is at the top of course, but on top of that you need to make serving your spouse a bigger thing in your life than serving yourself.  Pretty much all marital conflics stem from somebody (usually both) being unchristllike in some way, so every conflict is a chance to look at yourself, find that bit of not-christlikeness and root it out.

 

Don't go trying to root it out of your spouse, that will be counterproductive.

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We're only 17 years into it... such a baby compared to y'all...  I'd say, out of those 17 years, we were fighting for 10 years and loving for 7...

 

That's why I asked for a definition of "success".  Because, with me being raised a Catholic, privileged ultra-clannish Asian with unrivaled bullheadedness and my husband being a Mormon, penniless, no-permanent-address-military-kid-who-can-barely-name-one-cousin white American who has no problem going toe-to-toe with my bullheadedness... sparks are a common occurrence.  But, we don't pull back.  That's one of the things the Church teaches that we just couldn't learn for some reason.... we're not white-handkerchief type of couple, we'd rather duke it out until it gets bulldozed flat.

 

So, my house is a noisy house.  Chaos all the time.  Not this quiet, peaceful, spirit-filled Martha Stewart house.  I mean, we'd having 3 dogs barking, the bird singing at the top of his lungs, the piano ringing, the drums going, the karoake going, NFL blasting on the TV... all at the same time.  My husband and I yelling at each other just goes par for the course.  Hah.  I guess that's why my kids' friends all just park at my house - there's no need for indoor voices and they can all jump on the couch and add to the chaos.

 

So then they say at Relief Society, we need to make our house a peaceful house that invites the spirit... I know it's a mind-boggling concept, but we do feel the spirit in our chaotic house... when you're used to all the noise, you don't really "hear" it... the spirit flows right over it.

 

But really... what makes this arrangement work is we don't consider being outside of it.  So, when we hurt somebody, or we get hurt... as always happens when you spend 24/7 with each member of the family... we just learn from it and keep going.  We don't think... well, Mr. X will treat me better than you're treating me!  Forgiveness is constant.  Fighting is exhausting when there's no walking out, so everyone is incentivized to work harder to resolve things - before bedtime.  And a lot of times, we just give ground and accept people for who they are and choose more important things to draw hard lines in.  Like my husband's obsession with football... I can yell at him from August to February to demand his attention or I can just sit next to him and read a book... I choose to read a book - or go online and read the juicy personal stories of these celebrities playing football...

I think you have figured it out. After what you described, because the most important thing is you both have figured out how to make it work. That's the main thing. When I am asked "what's the secret" I always answer with ....hard work. I am obsessed with sports watching and my wife sits thru it. Then when she is watching something I watch it with her. I am not a syfy fan at all. Our home was once had lots of noise. Now it only has noise when the grandkids come around. Lol

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I don't know whether I would call my marriage successful even after nearly 34 years together.  We rarely fight.  We are best friends.  We work as a team.  We have a transparent marriage.  We are respectful of one another.  We are both active in the church.  We have a good physical relationship. We have had and still have ups and downs along with some major financial problems.  We are two imperfect people who live with each other 24/7 and we still manage to like each other.

 

Now, I'm going to be very candid.  My husband's prior marriage and dealings with his ex wife are still a nightmare for us, even after so many years.  I can honestly say that if I had to do it all over again, I would not have married him.  If I knew then, what I know now, I would have ran-for-the-hills and never dated him.  Is that a terrible thing to say?  I believe in marriage.  I believe it can be good.  But, it can also be the hardest trial of your life.  I would not wish the heartache and grief that I've had in my marriage on any of my children.  I don't know how I have managed to go on for so many years.  Probably, grit and determination, and knowing it would devastate my children and step children if we ever divorced.  But, yet our marriage has so many good points.  Our children think we have a wonderful marriage.

 

So, do I have a successful marriage?  Successful, yes, in that we have struggled through it and are still going strong.  But, happy?  I would say that my husband is a lot more satisfied and happy in our marriage than I am.

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I don't know whether I would call my marriage successful even after nearly 34 years together.  We rarely fight.  We are best friends.  We work as a team.  We have a transparent marriage.  We are respectful of one another.  We are both active in the church.  We have a good physical relationship. We have had and still have ups and downs along with some major financial problems.  We are two imperfect people who live with each other 24/7 and we still manage to like each other.

 

Now, I'm going to be very candid.  My husband's prior marriage and dealings with his ex wife are still a nightmare for us, even after so many years.  I can honestly say that if I had to do it all over again, I would not have married him.  If I knew then, what I know now, I would have ran-for-the-hills and never dated him.  Is that a terrible thing to say?  I believe in marriage.  I believe it can be good.  But, it can also be the hardest trial of your life.  I would not wish the heartache and grief that I've had in my marriage on any of my children.  I don't know how I have managed to go on for so many years.  Probably, grit and determination, and knowing it would devastate my children and step children if we ever divorced.  But, yet our marriage has so many good points.  Our children think we have a wonderful marriage.

 

So, do I have a successful marriage?  Successful, yes, in that we have struggled through it and are still going strong.  But, happy?  I would say that my husband is a lot more satisfied and happy in our marriage than I am.

I think you both seem to be doing very well.....as I said its hard work and it takes two people working together.

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So, do I have a successful marriage?  Successful, yes, in that we have struggled through it and are still going strong.  But, happy?  I would say that my husband is a lot more satisfied and happy in our marriage than I am.

 

Maybe it's just that you need to revisit the meaning of Happy.

 

But that's just my half-a-cent.

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I've never been divorced and am happily married as of almost 5 years. Self knowledge and having the Spirit with you are the biggest factors, in my opinion. Persons that possess self knowledge do not lead on, manipulate or denigrate people they love. Many people have little to no self knowledge, those many divorce. My wife knows my strengths and weakeness, and I know hers. Witholding salient information while dating (porn addition, promiscuity in teenage years, faith issues, honesty) and then finding out later in marriage of these past behaviors is the height of lack of self knowledge and empathy.

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We are all imperfect beings, dealing with other imperfect beings, and we're doing it imperfectly.

Realizing this, cut each other some slack, don't jump to conclusions, and don't assume.

Communication is key.

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I've been married twice in he temple.  Second time I got a prenup signed before I would even really propose.  So that's my advice.  Not churchy but dang practical, could save you millions in alimony.

 

I've decided it's not humanly possible (even with revelation) to predict if an "eternal companion" will cheat on you or not. Just get a prenup and roll with it.

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Just a quick word on expectations. Your spouse (whether you like it or not) still retains their agency. 

 

 

The acknowledgement of one another's agency has brought wonderful things to my marriage.

 

I'd also advise not getting married until your brain is fully developed (25ish at LEAST), but that's probably just my previous experience talking.

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I'd also advise not getting married until your brain is fully developed (25ish at LEAST), but that's probably just my previous experience talking.

What makes you think the brain is "completely developed" at 25? For that matter, what makes you think an individual human brain is ever "completely developed"? And where would you draw an arbitrary line to say, "Okay, now your brain is Sufficiently Developed to allow you to get married"? I would think that chronological age and physical maturity would be as good indicators as any others you might bring up.

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What makes you think the brain is "completely developed" at 25? For that matter, what makes you think an individual human brain is ever "completely developed"? And where would you draw an arbitrary line to say, "Okay, now your brain is Sufficiently Developed to allow you to get married"? I would think that chronological age and physical maturity would be as good indicators as any others you might bring up.

Hmm... physically children as young as 8 to 16 are generally physically mature enough to have children (depending on gender and person), yet modern society generally (in the U.S.) doesn't see that as an acceptable age. Mentally 20 to 25 is where brain development based on grey/white matter changes, more or less stabilizes. In which case 18 is still a little bit too young. (Depending on State, and parental consent, with a general trend so far towards older ages, In Europe and other places in the world this is different)

 

I think if I were to arbitrarily draw a line it would be: 

#1 Age of maturity based on biology (a.k.a. can have children)

#2 The ability to take care of self

#3 The ability to take care of self and others

#4 The emotional an mental maturity to work together and bond, with others

I think the choking point in when marriage happens and works well is #2 and #3...though in a pessimistic outlook some people as they get older.... they unlearn #4.

Edited by Crypto

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I think the choking point in when marriage happens and works well is #2 and #3...though in a pessimistic outlook some people as they get older.... they unlearn #4.

 

And the problem is that these are virtually all a product of environment.  Some people are more mature at 16 than others will be at 40.  I know some women who were as much a mother to younger siblings as their actual mother, and I would say they probably were mentally and emotionally mature enough to start a family at 16, though because of those same experiences, they wanted a few years of childless adulthood behind them before having kids of their own.

Edited by NightSG

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First off, make sure at least one of you is not crazy.

 

Too bad crazy people never know they're crazy.

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Too bad crazy people never know they're crazy.

There is a good saying to help people with this!

"If you don't know who the crazy one in your family is...it's probably you"

Uhoh... :eek:

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Seven Steps To Strengthen A Marriage

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2002/03/seven-steps-to-strengthen-a-marriage?lang=eng  

  1. Have a clear goal in mind
  2. Try to remember that Heavenly Father must be included in the partnership.
  3. Acknowledge the reality that Satan is our enemy.
  4. When you and your husband to a tough moment, Choose to remember that he is your best friend
  5. Remember that you are growing together toward perfection
  6. Accept the reality that differences of opinion occur, even in the best marriages
  7. Honest but charitable communication is essential to a solid marriage

My husband and I have always put Heavenly Father at the head of our marriage. Want to learn how to have a happy marriage - go here: https://www.lds.org/search?lang=eng&query=happy+marriage and read, read and read some more. 

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What makes you think the brain is "completely developed" at 25? For that matter, what makes you think an individual human brain is ever "completely developed"? And where would you draw an arbitrary line to say, "Okay, now your brain is Sufficiently Developed to allow you to get married"? I would think that chronological age and physical maturity would be as good indicators as any others you might bring up.

 

I didn't say "Let's pass legislation that wouldn't allow anyone to get married before 25!"  As I stated previously, in a rather in what I thought was a cheek way, my statement was probably impacted by my own poor judgement while in an inexperienced and naive state, BEFORE my prefrontal cortex was likely to be fully developed.  I didn't come up with 25 as some arbitrary number.  See the following from MIT researchers:

 

http://hrweb.mit.edu/worklife/youngadult/brain.html

 

"Prefrontal cortex: The most widely studied changes in young adulthood are in the prefrontal cortex, the area behind the forehead associated with planning, problem-solving, and related tasks."

 

"According to recent findings, the human brain does not reach full maturity until at least the mid-20s. (See J. Giedd inReferences.) The specific changes that follow young adulthood are not yet well studied, but it is known that they involve increased myelination and continued adding and pruning of neurons. As a number of researchers have put it, "the rental car companies have it right." The brain isn't fully mature at 16, when we are allowed to drive, or at 18, when we are allowed to vote, or at 21, when we are allowed to drink, but closer to 25, when we are allowed to rent a car."

 

So chill, Vort. I was half joking anyway.

Edited by Honor

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So chill, Vort. I was half joking anyway.

Thanks for the "chill" advise. I'm feeling comfortably cool, so don't sweat it. (See what I did there?)

 

But you haven't answered the question. "Half-joking" also means "half-serious". Are you citing this article as your evidence that the human brain is fully developed at 25? Because I personally don't really find it all that compelling.

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Welcome back to the forums, Honor!  It's so awesome to see you posting again!  Don't mind the members who take things WAY too seriously and run with tangents that are of little consequence.  Usually, they're just upset that they're not going to make it to the Conference weekend meet up.

 

Thanks Vort!  It's so fun to jump back into posting again.  I sure did miss your posts.

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