Kayvex Posted December 23, 2014 Report Share Posted December 23, 2014 Hello everyone! My first post. I read the rules, so I hope this is all good in here! I have been dating a man for a little over three months. He is simply wonderful in every way. He came from a pretty bad environment, and has a hard past behind him thanks to circumstances caused by his family, yet came out a virtuous, honest, and loving man. He recently joined the church, and we have been attending together since. He's suprised me endlessly with his faith, loyalty, and dedication to both me and to God. After some intense prayer... I've found a strong inclination that this is the man I should marry. We've had a lot of discussion, ranging from our own personal preferences of media, hobby, and lifestyle to how we'd like to raise our kids and more personal matters such as personal relations (I am a born-in-the-church virgin, he is not, but I feel it's very important to discuss one's expectations with their potential spouse in an appropriate way so no one is blind sided by any sexual expecations or lack thereof). We match perfectly, and we get along so very well. So far, we have been doing great. I personally believe we have exceeded expecations thus far for control and respect of each other. He is, in all terms, absolutely perfect and patient with me. I had some issues as a young woman, due to a forced sexual encounter with a man who didn't respect my small sixteen year old self, that led to many years battling pornography and problems with depression and OCD. To this day I am a parasomniac, suffering from vivid nightmares and problems with "fall-asleep-everywhere" syndrome. Cars, floors, everywhere is a sleeping place. Luckily, my sweet boyfriend is respectful and caring when I have my "fits", and quietly holds on to me until I wake up. I couldn't ask for a more patient and loving potential spouse. The problem is, the wait...A year is a long time... it's how long we've got until he can get his endowments. And as someone who suffered from pornography years ago, I KNOW temptation is a strong thing. It's only a matter of time until it starts to try and creep. I've always been told to avoid long engagements for this reason.I also have an issue with the definitions of temple worthiness. I believe the temple is INCREDIBLY serious.... I fear if we wait until he can get his endowments, our minds won't be in the right place. Not that I see us not being worthy (I'm sure with enough incredible force, prayer, and mass fasting we could make it...) but I also don't want to rush. The temple sealing is an incredible commitment that even I as a lifelong member don't fully understand. I often don't feel worthy of such blessings, even though I haven't done anything wrong! I'm also concerned for his health... He is a type 1 diabetic, and I fear that if something happens to him in the next year, I won't be able to be sealed to him in any life... And just the thought breaks my heart... However, civil marriage brings it's own issues... My family, would, FREAK. They have always pushed the temple as the one-and-only, and they aren't wrong to do so. The importance of sealing ordinances and eternal families is BEYOND the importance of mortality. The year between our civil marriage, if we have one, would be a year of my family "rending their clothing" at the idea that I might never ever be sealed to them. While I'm personally not worried about his comittment (as the promise of an eternal loving family is really what caught him on the gospel in the first place), it might cause bitter ties in my family. They may even go so far as to wonder if we broke the laws of chasity. I've tried talking to the bishop... Actually, two bishops!My singles ward bishop is still green, new to the field. He gave rushed, textbook answers, not understanding that I have experienced powerful and spiritual feelings about this situation. I appreciate his love and compassion, but... He just didn't help.My old home ward bishop (the man who helped me through my youth) simply hasn't had a response. I texted him, since he's a bit far from me, and I suppose he just doesn't know what to make of the situation. We are urged not to delay the temple sealing, but some situations are just kinda wonky, like this. He told me he'd circle back when he could, but he is busy and may not know quite what to tell me! We also have some friends at the hobby store we met at who happen to also be LDS, who did the civil marriage and are waiting to be sealed... Everything seems well and good, kinda against everything I grew up being told about how temple marriages are THE ONLY WAY... It's starting to really chew on my poor boyfriend. I want to have this figured out before getting engaged. He is willing to fight for either way, and knows that God will give me the answers I need. But it hurts him to not be engaged, and he's very excited about the gospel and starting a life with me. And I admit, I'm excited too! So, what advice do you all have? A civil marriage would help us focus on the temple as a couple, get us going on our lives (and get him out of his horrible and less then kind parents' house), and also elliminate that long wait period that could cause risk for sexual temptations (as we are very attracted to each other... always have been for the year we've known each other, even before we were dating. We just have control and our respect and love outweight our lusts). But it could traumatize my family, and may spread negativity through my clan. A temple marriage would get us sealed right away, made to spend a wonderful eternity fighting reality and all that it brings together. My family would approve without a doubt. But it may be that doing so could be too rushed, without proper purpose and spirit in mind. It also puts the risk that if he gets very sick from his illness between now and then that we may never make it to that point (I'm not sure how likely or unlikely that situation is currently, and won't know until his next check-up in February. Last Check-up he had some kidney damage....). Not to mention the temptations a year-long engagement brings.... Any thoughts? Anyone here have a civil marriage first? Thanks everyone! Tl;dr. Civil or Temple? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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